Sacrifice.
I do not own these lovely characters,… If only.
Authors note: Inspiration for this is watching that awesomely dissociated and broken expression on the WS's face during the chair scene in CAWS. There is so much going on that he seems overwhelmed and yet restrained and lost all at the same time. Sebastian Stan,… You are a beautiful muse you pouty, brooding Man doll!
The Asset sat on the exam table, eyes on the floor, both hands loose in his lab. They had found him unconscious, hidden in a cement erosion drain, sheltered from the pouring rain. The engineer, who's face was familiar but different, used a specialized magnetic beam to pull him out of the narrow cement tube and keep his arm inactive when he woke up thrashing with a knife in his flesh hand. The man with the Shield, Steven Grant Rogers, the man who was once small, had deflected his wild slashes and knocked the weapon away. That man, they call him Captain America, he knew him.
Steve stood near by, hands in tight fists, jaw clenched as he watched Bucky's blank, expressionless face, so different from the wild and crazed man they had subdued only a few hours before. They had sedated him when he continued to fight, soaked to the bone and injured with panicked eyes and guttural screams of rage and fear. Steve had tried to talk him down, tried to reason with the man who was once his brother in every way that mattered. It was clear that the Soldier was in bad shape and intensely malnourished, but most obvious was his complete lack of control and desperate confusion. When the Captain had finally given the okay to Barton, he watched with heart ach as the terrified man continued to fight even as the strong tranquilizer from the well aimed dart overtook his body and finally his turbulent mind. Steve had knelt down in the pouring rain, using his shield to cover his friend who was panting with strangled cries, eyes growing heavy and limbs jerking with clumsy spasms.
It had been only a few hours since then and despite the other's uncertainty, The Captain had insisted that the Hydra Assassin be brought back to the Avenger's tower to recover. Steve had carried the unconscious Winter Soldier with tender care and had accepted the help of Natasha and Dr. Banner as they carefully removed the ragged cloths and tactical gear from the injured Soldier. With mute sympathy they washed him clean of the blood and dirt and grim, dressing his numerous lacerations and burns, some infected, before clothing him in loose fitting light blue pants and a white shirt and soaks, all extremely soft. Steve had actually punch a hole in the wall when he first saw the scared up seem of the metal arm, an anger burning bright in his eyes as he snorted harsh breaths through his noise even as his hands remained gentle, tracing over the tortured flesh. He apologized afterward to Stark, Ironman assuring him it was fine as he stood over the unconscious Soldier and used his scanner to get a three-dimensional diagram of the complex inner workings of the prosthetic limb.
Despite Steve's protests against restraints, he reluctantly agreed for the other Avengers' safety and had stood by with anxious heart ach as Banner slowly withdrew the IV drip that had been administering fluids and antibotics and a sedative. The others stayed back, giving the slowly waking man space, the Doctor monitoring his brain scan and heart monitor as Steve stood nearby, ready to offer calm reassurance should Bucky wake up panicked and struggling against the padded restraints that held his arms, chest and legs strapped to the hospital bed. Little did they realize that the Soldier's reaction would be the exact opposite and all the more heart breaking.
Steve felt his chest grow tight and his throat contract as he watched with temppered grief as his friend regained consciousness, looking down at his own restrained form with a brief flash of alarm followed instantly by a resigned expression, his head dropping back down and the tension in his body dissipating as he settled into his conditioned response. His face became blank, eyes distant and a forced calm dominated his compliant form, no fight or will to break free, just acceptance of his fate. Steve had spoken to Bucky once he was able to find his words, a pat on his back from Sam who understood why Bucky's submission was far more distressing then his fierce resistance.
When Steve called him by name, Bucky, he received the slightest hint of a reaction, eyes blinking and jaw twitching slightly. As the Captain asked the despondent Soldier to look at him there was no pause or hesitation, following his instruction with dull lifeless eyes that fluttered up to the meet him. He asked Bucky if he would stay calm when they removed the restraints and he was answered by a simple nod. The Asset kept his lidded gaze on Steve's face and as the Captain unbuckled the chest strap their eyes met and Bucky blinked with a spark of recognition, eyes becoming pensive instead of unfocused. Steve tried to smile as he undid the padded straps but could not hid the sorrow in his eyes when he stepped back and his friend remained still, waiting for permission to move. The Captain had sighed and asked Bucky if he could sit up. The Soldier nodded but still did not move, eyes fixed on Steve's face with a slightly uncertain expression, as if trying to understand the context of the question. Natasha spoke up from across the room with a quiet sigh and explained that Steve had to provide specific orders or instructions.
With another heavy breath Steve hung his head before looking back up at his friend and asking him in a gentle voice to please sit up. The Soldier complied and sat with his legs hanging over the bed, eyes still fixed on Steve with a look that was growing in curiosity, studding his features. When Steve took a step toward him he stopped as Bucky instantly dropped his gaze to the floor, head hung in submission as if prepared to be struck for the crime of prolonged eye contact. He did not shudder or flinch but his body did tense slightly and he remained ridged. Steve stepped back and could barley contain his grief as he fought the urge to rush forward and pull his damaged friend into a tight embrace. Sam offered a steady hand on his shoulder before Bruce cleared his throat, eyebrows raised as he waited for Steve to give the order.
The Captain nodded then turned back toward Bucky and explained that Dr. Banner was going to ask him some questions so they could help him heal. The Asset had simply nodded once, eyes remaining on the floor as the Dr. approached with slow deliberate steps. Steve stood nearby with Sam as they watched Bucky sit in obedient silence, willing to be subjected to what ever they required.
"Hello, My name is Dr. Bruce Banner,…. You can call me Bruce or Dr. Banner if you like,…. What can I call you?" Bruce asked with a calm, directness as he lowered his own head, trying to catch the Soldier's eyes. Bucky blinked and let his gaze shift up, chin rising as he studied the Doctors face with the same uncertain and puzzled expression he had given Steve when he was asked if he could sit up. The Soldier looked away, brow furled and lips in a pout before he brought his deep blue eyes back up toward Bruce's face, responding in a voice that was soft and troubled as if he was uncertain how to answer.
"I am an Asset, Code Name: The Winter Soldier,…." His gaze glanced over toward Steve's distraught expression then back down to his lap. "I…" He began but his voice caught and he swallowed. A contemplative look graced his hunted blue eyes before a pained wince crossed his features as he let out a trembled breath and spoke in a low mumbled whisper, Russian words muttered to himself.
"What was that?" Steve asked as he stepped forward again but stopped as Bucky's body again went ridged, fists clenching and breath stunted, prepared for a strike.
Bruce turned to Steve and shrugged with a shake of his head.
"He said there was a different name." Natasha offered from the corner where she observed the Soldier, Stark and Barton at her sides. The Asset looked at her sharply with narrowed eyes but quickly looked away when she met his gaze. Steve turned back toward his friend and took another slow step forward so that he was next to Bruce, just out of arms reach.
"Your right,… You are not just an Asset with a code name,… You are Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes,… but those who knew you,… the people who cared about you,…. We called you Bucky." Steve's tone held strength through sincerity and remained gentle with compassion. The Asset's brow creased and he again looked up at the Blond man who had called him by that name, his name.
"Bucky…." The Soldier said slowly, hesitating as if the word was strange on his tongue. Steve smiled and nodded, swallowing as his friend fixed him with another studied look. "You…. are Steven Grant Rodgers." This time he spoke with more certainty. And Steve's smile turned into a hopeful grin as he nodded in enthusiasm.
"That's right Bucky!" Steve took another step forward, letting his arms fall loose at his side. The Soldier watched him with a guarded expression then bit the side of his lip before speaking in a voice that sounded broken and almost scared.
"I knew you." He looked away with a pained grimace as his flesh hand came up to his head and he let out the smallest whimper of pain. "I Knew You,…..I…I…." His words choked as he squeezed his eyes tight, gripping his hair as the familiar crackle and echo of electricity rang in his ears along with the phantom voice that belonged to Peirce. Wipe him and start over. The Soldier shuddered and hunched over with a hushed sob. Steve closed distance despite the tension and gasp from the Soldier as he wrapped his arms around him in a desperate hug, unable to stifle his own small sigh, eyes wet.
"Yes Bucky!... You do know me,…. God Buck,… I am so sorry!" Steve sighed again before he released the frozen Asset who was staring at him in puzzled confusion, the sensation of the hug completely foreign and strange. The Soldier watched the Captain's face for a long moment, eyes blinking in deep thought before he removed his hand from his hair and looked back down, speaking with a soft mumble.
"They made me forget,…" His brow creased again as he closed his eyes and shook his head. "Hard to remember." He sighed, a solemn look taking over, shoulders slumped.
"You seeing this brain activity Doc?" Stark spoke up from across the lab as he studied the brain-imaging scan that was live-active feed. Banner had stepped away from his patient and was looking over the readouts.
"Yea,… Makes sense. There is a lot of damage to the Prefrontal Cortex…. and some how they manage to isolate and sever connections to the part of the Temporal Loab that actually forms the long term memories,….. Basically they burned away his past and continued to zap the areas that tried to retain new memories." Banner mused with consideration.
"Yet somehow they were able to ingrain the conditioned responses they wanted even while whipping away the specifics of his working memory from mission to mission." Natasha mused.
"Is the Damage,…. Is it permanent?" Steve felt his voice shake and he looked back toward Bucky who was once more staring down, but with focus and concentration instead of blank distance. Banner turned toward Tony and they exchanged looks.
"For a normal person,….. I would say most likely,….. but,… the Serum,….. what ever version Hydra cooked up,…. It might be able to regenerate his neural transmitters and repair those areas of the brain just as it heals broken bones and wounds…. Right now it's the only thing that's been keeping him alive." Banner sighed again. "We need to get his body healthy again then perhaps his mind will follow." Bruce offered a half smile.
Steve swallowed and nodded as he looked back toward Bucky with compassion. "I would like to take a blood sample,…. So I can get a better idea of how his biochemistry works,…. If that's okay with you Bucky?" Bruce asked from a few feet away but received no response, the Soldier lost in thought, face in a grimace as his eyes shifted back and forth, his mind struggling with the raw shards of broken memory that seemed to be cutting through his programing, mesmerizing and horrifyingly vivid.
"Bucky… Bruce is going to take a small sample of your blood… Just so he can see if the serum can help repair the damage done by Hydra. We don't know exactly what they've done to you but we're going to find out." Steve's voice was a resolute promise as he placed a hand on his friends flesh shoulder, receiving a sudden shudder as the Soldier blinked rapidly then looked up, eyes readjusting and focusing on Steve. A flash of fear was quickly masked by blank compliance then a glance towards the doctor with a simple nod before once more hanging his head. Steve sighed and nodded to Bruce who closed distance before carefully taking Bucky's flesh arm and gently applying the needle.
The Soldier watched out of the corner of his eye as the blood left his arm and entered the syringe, his gaze detached and mouth in a hard line. His mind was racing with fragmented memories and half formed thoughts but he was programed to be obedient and conditioned against giving voice to the confusion that gripped his aching head. Steve watched his friend with patient eyes and could tell he was holding back an onslaught of unknown thoughts and feelings that where trapped in his muted mouth. Once the needle was pulled free the Soldier took in a shuddered breath, eyes wide and looking all around, almost frantic and more alert then he had been just seconds before, as if he was waking from a daze, finally looking around him and assessing the present situation.
"Bucky,…..it's okay,…. Your safe here… No one is gonna hurt you." Steve spoke with calm reassurance as he watched the pensive eyes scan the room with intensity before locking on his own. Bucky stared hard at Steve, tilting his head to the side with narrowed eyes, as if trying to understand the disjointed memories that the Captain's face brought to his shattered mind. After a moment his eyes blinked wide and he looked away biting his lip with a troubled expression. There was a slight tremor running through his ridged form, fists clenched in his lap as he glanced back up toward Steve with a bowed head, his eyes begging for answers to questions he hadn't asked, hadn't ever been given permission to ask. "What is it Buck?... You can ask me,…. You don't need permission to speak,… not from me or anyone else!" Steve promised as he grabbed Bucky's flesh hand and ran his thumb over his knuckles with a small patient smile. The others watched silently, waiting to hear what would be said next, a glimpse inside the mind of Hydra's most lethal and well trained Assassin.
"I was bad,….. before?...I did not preform effectively,… or with precision?' The Asset asked the question with a soft, submissive tone as if expecting to be punished for asking. Steve looked at Bucky with confusion and dismay, a frown beneath concerned eyes.
"Bucky,…. What…. What do you mean?" Steve asked as he healed his friend's hand more firmly. The POW looked down at his flesh hand held by the man who was so good, who was a symbol of everything right. His mind drifted back to what he had learned at the Smithsonian, the pieces to a puzzle he had once known, that now seemed lost and broken. He took in a breath as he glared off to the side and began reciting what he knew in a monotone voice.
"A symbol to the Nation,….a Hero to the world,…. The story of Captain America is one of Honor, Bravery,…." Bucky swallowed again blinking as he looked up at Steve with an expression of uncertainty and sadness,….. "And Sacrifice." His eyes where asking but Steve was still unclear of the question.
"You went to the Smithsonian?... We thought that was you on the Cameras but,… you're good at hiding your face." Steve mused with a soft voice as he tried to read Bucky's confused and grief strike expression. The Soldier nodded once to confirm that he had gone to the museum, then began reciting a part of the biography that belonged to Sergeant Barnes, the man he once was.
"Barnes is the only Howling Commando to give his life in service of his Country." The monotone broke and the Soldier looked up, bottom lip in a pout as his deep blue eyes searched Steve's face with such hurt that it was painful to look at him. "I was an Asset,… to Captain America, … I Failed…..I was Sacrificed…. to Hydra?" He asked with a trembled whisper as he blinked up at Steve with a look of loss and then shame. He was not good, he was bad, and so he became Hydra's Asset instead of Captain America's. Despite the awareness that weapons should not feel, The Soldier hung his head in despair at his obvious inadequacy, the sensation evoking a dread in the pit of his stomach as once more his conditioning took over and he prepared himself for punishment or worse, termination.
Steve felt his heart stop and his voice choked in his throat as he watched Bucky hang his head and tremble, like a guilty dog waiting to be kicked by it's owner. Steve let go of Bucky's hand and covered his mouth in anguish as he shook his head, the others all sighing with empathy. After only a shocked second Steve responded to his abused friend by carefully placing a hand on either side of Bucky's tense jaw as he lifted the familiar face that had become so haunted with unspoken horror. Steve took a breath to steady himself as he stared with conviction and sincerity into his lost friends tearful gaze.
"No Bucky,…You where a great Soldier and so much more then an Asset,….. you were my brother,….. my only family,….. and…." Steve's voice faltered as he blinked, the first tear spilling down his cheek, followed by another. "I failed you Buck!... You fell from the train,….. I couldn't save you!" Steve's voice broke and then he let out a haggard breath and his tone turned angry but also desperate to comfort and sooth. "They STOLE you from me!...Hydra found you and they made you forget!... I am so sorry,… I didn't know!... But your safe now Bucky,….. and I swear to God I will Never let them get you again!... Never,….. I got you pal,… I got you…." Steve pulled Bucky into his arms, wrapping one around his shoulders and the other hand in his long shaggy hair. The Asset took in another trembling breath, unused to the close contact that was not threatening or violent. He rest his forehead against Steve's broad chest and sighed as he let the warmth and comfort seep into his weary bones and warm the ice in his veins.
"'Till the end of the line Steve?" The Asset mumbled softly, hands loose in his lap and weight leaning heavily into Steve as he rolled his head to the side, one ocean blue eye brimming with wetness blinked up from between his curtain of hair as he bit his lip with trepidation, wanting so badly for those words to be said to him again and for the familiar yet foreign feeling of warmth to spread through him completely.
"Steve shifted so he could look down at his friends timid expression and despite the redness of his eyes and wetness of his cheeks his mouth broke into a grin as he nodded.
"Yes Bucky,… I am with you 'Till the end of the line!"
The End
Authors note: Short and sweet. If you want to read something much,…much longer then check out my other tales of recovery and friendship!
"No More Pain" followed by "To Be the Man That I Am…..Bucky's Recovery." I also have some other one shots and a few more on the way. Let me know what ya think!