The Spin-Off fight OR Maybe there is a grain of truth in shipping pairings after all

Summary:

It is the last day of the anime, and all Gintoki wants is to engulf in this melancholic day, with all of his awesome fight recaps, when suddenly something unimaginable happens.
Otae tells them she is dating Kondo.
What the fuck? How could this happen? Nobody believes them, but they deliberately stuck to their story, until all of them fight over the best shipping pair!
The honor of the Heroine and the Protagonist are at stake, so of course neither Kagura and Sougo, nor Gintoki and Hijikata wants to loose! An epic battle occurs. And maybe some other feelings resurface?
Or something like that xD

Ginhiji, Okikagu lots of nonsense, shouting, screaming, drama and maybe a bit OtaeKondo (but well… maybe not :D)

OKAY!

Here it is! Attention please, I have finally finished this story!

I'm so proud of my self! (Even though it sounds a bit arrogant, I truly am, it was so much work, like actual three months! )

It was my first story I wrote and I actually wanted to post it before my other works, but ehh... It got longer and longer and all the other ideas popped in my mind in between...

So here it is, my -sadly not first anymore- fanfic ;)

It's Canon (for anyone who wondered) and plays after the series ended (hopefully not anytime soon) at the last day of the anime.

Oh, and a reminder, I said it was my first story, meaning my first english story, so the language is in the beginning not solo good but it's progressing in the story, I promise :)

Also, at first it's mainly comedy but fear not, the time for hotness will come in the end xD

Ah, before I forget.

It's finished, and I primely wanted to make a oneshot... but well... it's over 22000 words, so I thought, why not make it a good old-fashioned story?

Eh, now enough words, enjoy my blood and tears, and have hopefully as much fun reading as I had writing :)

Otaes wrath, a haunted Shinpachi and two Gorillas mating? What the hell?

„So…" Gintoki frowned „..you and Gorilla are finally together?"

Otae smiled kindly.

Gintoki stared lazily, not be confused with unwarily - you will never know when Otae switches into berserk-mode, and he had enough bruises when she has caught him off guard- and scratched in a display of complete indifferent his belly.

„What du you mean finally? We were always meant to be together. As a heroine I deserve nothing but the best. Why do you say it as if it is something surprising?"

Her smile creeps up into her face while her fists clutches together.

He scratches his belly more intensely.

„Do you have a problem with my exhibition of affection?"

Her eyes open mid-lid into a hella scary Open-your-damn-mouth-one-more-time-and-you-will-bid-your-farewell-to-your-balls glare.

Gintoki immediately recoils and forces a happy smile on his faces, violently scratching his belly that left him thinking how long it takes for Gin-san to have a huge black hole within his abdomen.

Not that he is scared or something. Nope. not he.

Not almighty Gin-san.

„W-w-what are you saying? Gin-san wouldn't accuse you of anything? haha …i'm just surprised that you.." -a threatening glare and a hand securely grasping something hidden behind her back-

„.. didn't tell us sooner! yes yes, thats it." the smile switches to her normal only half-threatening glare, however her hand remain behind her back.

„Well.. I am sure everybody is happy for you.. right Shinpachi-kun?" he asks in the desperate need for backing in the huge life-or-death task of calming the wild beast.

His flawless attempt got destroyed, for his side-kick has nothing better to do than stare wide eyed into space.

In a not so life threatening situation he might have considered if Patsuans glasses broke due to the impact of the newly received information.

But as the damocles sword still hanging over his head, or to be concrete over his precious analog stick he smacked him till the light returned into his eyes.

„Oy, Patsuan? Don't you have anything to say to your sister? Shinpachi-kun? Hello? Have your glasses finally met death? Is your sister-complex to much to handle? Don't worry Shinpachi-kuuun~, Gin-san knows a good place where you can relive your glasses. It even has 24 hours surveillances and there are nice guys in white who will anticipate every one of of your wishes. There will be even nice neighbors like Nagato, Captain Kurotsuchi, Hannibal Lecter-"

„OII! What are you saying? Are you shunting me off? You are clearly shunting me off! And what you are describing, is a mental hospital, isn't it? Are you insulting me? Are you saying I am a lunatic? ME?" Shinpachi screeched totally furious.

„No, no, no. Shinpachi-kun~. You clearly misunderstood. I am saying your glasses are lunatic."

„That doesn't make it any better! Why am I reduced to my glasses? I am more than my glasses!

I AM NOT PART OF THE GLASSES, THE GLASSES ARE A PART OF ME!"

He screamed heavy breathing to the shocked audience.

Everybody went silent.

Even though a little bit embarrassed over his little outburst he can find a flaring burn of hope inside his chest.

No doubt they all feel guilty about trampling over his feeling.

No doubt they will all recognize what for a decent human being he was.

A human being that was so much more than glasses, that helps them as a boring character, clean after their messes and make them shine more brighter, clearly they all understood his importance, his supreme understanding of everything, his-

„Oi, oi, Kagura, I think Patsuan has lost it. He probably thinks he is Ken from Tokyo Ghoul, who can have a mental breakdown to rise from his boring unwanted character to a popular badass main character to eat human flesh."

„Oi, oi, Gin-chan, he first have to be tortured for weeks and meet his deceased father to finally arrive at the peak of power known as white hair."

„Oi! Oi! Kagura! We can't let that happen! Gin-san is the only one who has the right to have white hair! There can only be one white haired person in every anime! Gin-san without the white hair isn't outstanding anymore, nobody will recognize him!

No, no, no, I can't allow that! The unique white permy hair is mine alone!"

„Gin-chan, no need to worry like I said he has to be tortured before he can claim the right of white power."

„No, you don't understand Kagura-chan, he is living with this sister of his, he is already a at Bankai stage of receiving torture."

Suddenly the temperature drops some degrees.

„What was that? I must have misheard something, you couldn't mean to accuse my sincere love to shin-chan, could you?"

„ah-ah, n-n-n-no. haha… of course not? Who said that? Did anybody hear that? Who would dare say that? I would never! ha-haha."

„But Gin-chan, didn't you just compare boss lady with torture?"

„Ah! NO! Kagura! What are you saying! I didn't say that, I…! N-n-n-no O-otae the stupid kid has …m-misunderstood. Misunderstood! I tell you! Ca-calm down please! there is no way I would say anything against your gorilla-like affection for your mutant baby glasses child- AAAH!"

„No. This live is definitely nothing than torture." Shinpachi speaks slowly and self-confident to the room. Nobody listens.

„Anyway" Gintoki starts, ignoring the itching pain in his right shoulder and head „Since when do you guys go out?" Otae shoots him a glare, but swirls her hair behind her back with a „hmpf".

„Well obviously quiet a while."

Nobody reacts. Disbelief clearly written all over the faces.

Otae pauses and than stands up, dramatic music suddenly accompanying her from the off.

„I had a harsh live" she begins with fake tears in her eyes

„where I had to take care of my little glasses" everybody ignores said glasses objection

„and then one blissful but sorrow morning where I was walking in my humble clothing's along the streets, searching the ground for 300 yen"

-„Hey! Thats my line!"-

„there was suddenly this heavenly light shining from above. At first I thought it was a stalker with a flash lamp, but after I beat him up he told me, my dream of a comfortable live will come true if I become the heroine of Gintama."

-„Eeh, Anue you clearly said something very misleading here. Like something totally frightening here!"

„Oi, you gorilla lady, I am the beautifully gifted heroine you are speaking about! Don't try to confuse the reader!"-

„As a heroine it was my job to become absolutely dedicated to the protagonist, to care about him, to love him, to beat him up if he disobeys me-"

- „OI! What did you say? That is no way a proper heroine should talk! More like a sadist talks about his wife! Am I your wife?! No, more like am I your freaking dog who you starve till he does what you says?!"

- „Well actually that describes you pretty well, Gin-san"-

„And when the hell did you even care about me? All you ever do is beat me up! in fact all you ever do in this shitty anime is beating the living shit out of everything that comes across your way! And what is your problem with me being protagonist? Gin-san is a superb protagonist! There is nothing wrong in loving someone handsome as me! I feel kinda sad for your gorilla-race for not understanding the god like figure of a male protagonist- AAHK!"

„AS I WAS SAYING the decision was not a easy one, especially after meeting my work partner, who was nothing more then a homeless good for nothing with a natural perm, but in desperation for escaping this harsh life, and for my glasses, I finally submitted in this contract, discarding all my feelings in ambition of a lonely life without true love. I felt proud in my duty and managed accordingly to my script-"

- „No way in hell is this your script!" -

„as a man stepped in the life of this tragic heroine. At first she doesn't paid him to much attention, but after she beat him up occasional times because of his stalking, she started to remember this burning feeling inside her chest."

-„Yes, the burn of an resentful devilish women with no time for anger management."

„Oi, Gin-chan, why is gorilla lady talking in third perspective?"

„Sht! Don't wake her split personality! Dr. Jekyll is enough to handle without mister hyde!"

„Gin-san what are you saying? Don't be ridiculous! You dare to insult my sister? You dare offend my every day terror? Anue is always Mister Hyde! Except maybe in front of kyuubei-san. At least be appropriate when you offend somebody. For example, you could say that her cooking skill is a newly discovered death weapon, challenging the death scythe of Soul Eater-"

The window suddenly obtains a huge hole in the middle and nobody moved, solidified, till Otae slowly retracts her fist.

It passes another minute where her killer intent spreads and sinks into every object -persons implemented- before the sorry human beings dare to take another breath.

„Ahem. The burning inside my chest."

She paused and tried to indulge again in her tragic story.

„It was something I had long forgotten, something I never dared to hope for since this heroic choice of mine.

It was the feeling of joy, a feeling that can only be described as an renewed happiness in living. After all this long years I find myself truly laughing while beating somebody up, truly enjoying the time spent with another person. I never would have guessed that this annoying stalker could move my heart like this, but I finally acknowledged my feelings for him. This day changed my entire life."

A single tear made its way down her face. The audience -still freezed stiff- listened in a scared silence that could be mistaken for some, as rather doubtful.

„But unfortunately for both of us I had already signed the heroine contract-"

-„Like I said! I am the heroine- mmf!" -

„and we couldn't be together. Therefore we could only stare from far away at each other in a desperate way to express our love! We could only exchange fists than words and embraces-"

-„No, I am pretty sure you demonstrated your hatred for him through your fists! Kondo-san had no problem in expressing his love for you Anue." -

„and thus our secret relationship was a strain in body and mind. But at last this day has finally come…"

She hold her breath in a theatric gesture.

„… the last day of the series! We can be official together now! Nobody has to worry because of the audience anymore! We are FREE!"

She screamed, her eyes wide open with a malicious glance in them. Stunned, Gintoki and attachment slowly slid backwards, eyes never leaving the maniac in front of them.

„Oi, Shinpachi, your sister sounds like a 15-year old drug addict who is home alone for the first time."

„Oi, Glasses, maybe your sister was drugged by the pheromones of the other gorilla."

„Don't say that Kagura! That is an insult to every honorable gorilla out there! Nothing could be ever attracted to this witch!"

„Gin-san! You're talking about my sister! My sister is perfect! It must be her pheromones that attracted the gorilla, which she couldn't turn down, because my sister is so kind hearted!"

„Oi, are you sure we are talking about the same Person? About this demon in human form? Have your glasses forgot the brain today?"

„This is bad, Gin-chan! Patsuan has forgot his kleenex and now he is starting to hallucinate! Maybe he will try to attack us! We must eliminate him first!"

„WHAT?! How the hell do you come to this conclusion?! Wait! Kagura! It's me! And are you saying my brain is Kleenex? You're totally saying my brain is a kleenex, AREN'T YOU?!"

Gintoki barely snatches Kaguras collar before she manages to land one of her destructions moves, and soothes her while still aiming for the goal -the door.

„Woah. Hold on Kagura. Never forgot my important lessons! Let him hallucinate his sister for all I care, it is a advantage for us!" Kagura blinks one long second till a huge grin spreads over her face.

„You are right, manager. I am terrible sorry."

He smiles genuinely and pats her head, proud of their mutual understanding. „Nothing to worry about, nothing to worry."

Shinpachi stares confused to his comrades nodding and smirking at each other, and a small thread of dread makes his way through his innards. His flight instincts are screaming and just as he sets to sprint for the door, a treacherous all-to-familiar voice whispers softly against his neck:

„Shin-chan… did you just say… I spread… pheromones… like an… animal?"

He instantly know he is doomed.

A quick glance to his left confirmed his foreboding, as the sight of two clothes dashing around a corner, a far cry of farewell and a promise to give him 300 yen for his funeral echoing in the far-to-silent room.

He gulps down in a desperate attempt to clear his dry throat and faces, sweating heavily, the huge gorilla monster, who happens to be his sister.

In times like this he regrets his choice of life the most.

„AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

The horrific scream only threatens them to run faster, none of them admitting the fact that they sold out a comrades for their lives.

Nonetheless it is the responsibility for a side-kick to sacrifice themselves for the hero, so he died in execution of his duty, therefore it would be in vain if he get caught at this point in the stage.

So his attempt for survival is also a way to esteem Patsuan's life.

At least that was what Gintoki told himself, while trying to outrun Kagura -than damn! Why is she so fucking fast? She is only 14 years old for gods sake!- in case he has to give up another one of his pawn.

„Don't you dare try it Gin-chan! You better escape with me together, or I promise I will bring you on your knees begging!"

„What are you thinking of me? I am your honorable mother! Gin-san would never let somebody touch you! Even though you are quite a pain in the ass, with all your binge eating through our months salary!"

„I am a little girl in her growth stage! Shame on you for trying to let a helpless kid starve only for your own greed!"

„Helpless girl? Who? Where? I don't see her? Maybe she has got eaten by this gluttony monster beside me!"

„What are you saying? The helpless girl obviously had to switch personality to survive in this dangerous world of hunger!"

„We are in Gintama not in One Piece or in any other proper shounen manga! We can't just switch into cool personalities just because we feel like it! Don't insult our honorable mangaka, Kagura!"

„NO WAY! I already had an awesome transformation into insane-killer-kagura! You're just jealous because I had one, even though you, as the protagonist, hadn't!"

„HAA?! N-NONSENSE! I am already awesome ! Thats why I don't need a lousy transformation! Don't try to confuse the audience! In the first place, you're the lame one because you actually needed a transformation to boost you popularity! I can be good old Gin-san the whole year and everybody still loves me! YOU HEAR ME? EVERYBODY LOVES ME!"

„Tch! Talk about arrogant protagonist. To cocky to face reality."

„What was that? What did you say? Gin-san couldn't hear you. No, he couldn't. Bet it was another one of your unjustly insults, right? Right?"

„Don't think just because you are the main character you can do what you like!"

„Don't think just because you are the heroine you can do what you like!"

„Don't think just because I am a boring character I will let you do what you like!"

„Don't think just beca- … wait what?" Both of them looked to the left where a really pissed glassed person was running beside them.

„SHINPACHI!"

„GLASSES!"

They simultaneously dropped their argument in favor of trying to outrun Shinpachi and the huge wildlife animal behind them, that they where too distracted to notice sooner.

„Wait how long are you here? Why did you follow us after your death? Is it because we left you? I tell you it was also in your favor! So you could fulfill your duty as side-kick! So your parents could be proud of you when you greet them!"

„Shinpachi, when you haunt somebody haunt Gin-chan, he persuade me in doing so! I would never do something so filthy! You know how he is! He bribed me to get along with him! I had no choice for three stashes of Sukonbu!"

„EEH? Don't believe her! I would never offer three Stashes for this! Only one, you hear me? Kagura you just give yourself away! AHAHA!"

„No, in fact this conversations makes it a lot easier to let you both just to…

DIE IN HELL!

FULFILL MY DUTYS AS A SIDE-KICK? BRIBED BY THREE STASHES OF SUKONBO? ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME?"

„NO! I already said only one! Don't you listen Shinpachi?"

„THAT IS EVEN WORSE! YOU'RE THE WORST! YOU BOTH! AAAAHRG! I HATE YOU!"

„OI! Shinpachi don't think you can steal my awesome transformation! I am the only one who gets it!"

Her eyes narrow and she manages to send a killer look to pitiful glasses mid running.

„If you dare touch my things, I will destroy your Otsuu-chan collection."

Shinpachi paled noticeable and sputters apologizes non-stop as the glasses without balls he was.

Gintoki was in the middle of lecturing Kagura, that she has no right to lecture Shinpachi about his lecture, as the unmentionable happens.

He slips over a Banana peel and crashes face first in the ground. Luckily he was able to grip Kagura's trousers (and she Shinpachi's) to make them meet him on the street.

Unfortunately, as they were all spitting and cussing and screaming, Otae catches up.

She smiles sweetly.

Everybody looked panicked to each other, no solution of this awful situation in sight.

Then everybody pointed to the person left of him and they shouted unison: „It was his/her fault!"

For their bad luck, this display of solidarity didn't save them of Otae's wrath.

„So" Gintoki started for the third time this day while casually eating Dango. That was of course no easy task, because a certain gluttony girl constant tried to steal his, after already devouring her share.

„If you really want us to believe this hilarious scheme you have to prove it to us."

„Yes, Boss lady" Kagura mumbled behind a palm on her face

„show us that you truly love Gorilla."

A pause where she shoves the alien hand of her face to reveal her huge grin.

„With a kiss."

Otae glared and Gintoki smirked too.

„A wonderful idea Kagura-chan~. I'm sure they will enjoy this opportunity to finally exhibit their love openly."

„W-w-wait a moment! I don't want to see that? Anybody? I don't want Gorilla to kiss my sister!" He screamed but to his misfortune Otae had already agreed, to not lose face.

„Haha, no worry Shinpachi, it will never come to this."

„Yeah, when they kiss the next thing that would happen is that you get a girlfriend…. and we all know that no power in the world can force a girl to try a move on you."

„Whoa! That was way to mean! Kagura! You said something really cruel here! I have also feelings you know? I am a living being, you know?"

„I know it is harsh, Shinpachi, but that is the cruelty of adulthood. This day had to come, where all you're dreams of childhood face the horrid reality."

He paused and patted his shoulder sympathetically.

„I remember like it was yesterday, when the shop owner told me this parfait coupon that I found was already expired… This awful feeling of disappointment, the imaginary tears of your heart, the-"

„Gin-san! That did happen yesterday and you did cry! Like actual tears, no imaginary!"

„What are you saying? Gin-san would never cry! He is a grown-up man!"

„Yeah right," Shinpachi deadpans „thats why you told me your childhood dream of having a parfait is equivalent to be said no girl will ever love me. Really."

Gintoki makes a hurt face.

„How could you? Sweets are the most important thing in life! Didn't you listen properly to my tales of wisdom? How dare you!

I will detract your title of Sweet-man-number-4!"

Kagura made a shocked noise while Otae was ignoring them, preparing for her big role in the coming act.

„I never ever had this ridiculous title in the first place! You are making this up and why the hell am I number 4? Do you count Sadaharu in? Are you saying I am after Sadaharu? After a dog?"

„Well inanimate objects are lower than animated ones, so..."

„NO! When will you ever quit these dam glasses jokes? Don't you know how all the people with glasses watching will feel? Don't you care about your idol role?

In fact, does anybody in this stupid anime care about how the discriminated will feel?" He screeched furious.

„And that's why you are the boring, unpopular character." Kagura stated.

Gintoki nodded sadly and Shinpachi thought about the nth-time why he just didn't quit and make holiday in Hawaii.

Soooooooo... how was it?

Seriously I am craving for reviews here (since my last comedy story kinda got no response and I am seriously doubting my talent for comedy writing here -_-°

Eh, anyway forget my wallow in self-pity and focus on the story..

You liked it?

You felt sorry for Shinpachi?

Are you curious why Otae is 'dating' Kondo?

(Well I hinted it in the summary, but oh well... let me have my fun^)

In the next chapter the huge secret will be revealed! And No worry our beloved Shinsengumi appears as well :)

(I originally wanted to put their entrance in this one as well... but it got so long -_-°° ...

Please don't hate me for this ^^)

AND you will get a insight in the inner minds of our beloved characters xD

So stay tuned! ^^

And comment if you wanna make me happy :)