- Doubting Christianity
"I'm having trouble with my faith."
I see her sit down beside me, her mouth twisted into a frown. It surprises me that she would come to me with religious questions. I know her denomination and I know my own. They are not the same. Not at all. Why would she talk to me about this and not a Christian who could probably help her better?
Does it matter why?
I suppose not.
"What is your trouble?"
"I am having doubts about Christianity."
"….so?"
She is angry now. I can tell.
"What do you mean 'so'? I'm having doubts about my religion! I'm losing my faith and it's horrible….why are you laughing?"
"Don't glare at me, I'm not making fun of you. Look, do you still believe in God?"
"Yes."
"In Jesus?"
"Yes."
"In heaven?"
"Yes."
"In hell?"
"YES."
"Then what's the problem?"
"I still believe in all these things, I just don't know WHY! I can't find any proof of why the things I believe in are right, so I doubt. And everyone knows that true believers don't doubt…stop laughing or I'll punch you, I swear."
I pull myself together and offer a serious face. I don't want to get punched. She has a mean left hook, for a Christian.
"Look," I say, "doubt isn't a bad thing, especially when it comes to matters of faith. It means you have passion about whatever you're doubting."
"Liar."
"No, I'm serious. People don't go around frantically proclaiming that the sun rises in the east, do they? No one lobbies outside of buildings, chanting reverently that, 'cat's have fur,' and 'frogs can leap,' do they? Of course not. Everyone knows that cats have fur. Everyone knows that the sun rises in the east. People are dedicated to things that are in a state of doubt, not well-known facts. Because you are able to see the doubt in your religion, you prove your passion and devotion to it."
She is beginning to understand, but it still isn't enough.
"My beliefs are still questionable, both by me and other people. That's why I'm so eager to defend my views, to figure out why certain things remained unsupported, to test my theory over and over again against the world. I'm a scientist testing a hypothesis. Just because certain experiments remain inconclusive or contradictory, doesn't mean that I've got it wrong. It just means I have to search harder. And maybe I'm asking the wrong question. Because I doubt, I have a reason to keep searching and reinforcing my hypothesis, my faith, my religion. You do the same with yours."
She is quiet a minute, absorbing. I let her take her time. Faith must be sought after on its own, otherwise it is not faith, but some spiritual conformity. And the bonds of spiritual conformity are soon broken. As many recovering Catholics have learned. Finally she smiles and gives me a nod.
"Thanks, I feel much better now."
"I'm always glad to help," I say.
"I wonder…"
"Yes?"
"Why didn't you use that chance to convert me? To tell me that your religion was the right one and I was having doubts because my God isn't the real God?"
I sigh and my smile is wistful, or rueful. It's hard to tell what expression your face is wearing when there isn't a mirror nearby.
"I told you already, I don't need to convert anybody to my faith. The salvation in my mind and the salvation in your mind are the same spiritual conclusion. What does it matter if the paths are different?"
She bites her lip. "My faith says that your salvation depends on conversion."
"And that's the only reason why I do not rebuke you for trying. You mean well. But it's a fruitless endeavor. I will turn to your faith on my own rejection of my hypothesis or I will not turn at all. In the meantime, it makes for interesting conversation."
She grins and lays back on the grass, hands cupping the back of her head, elbows spread out like wings.
"Jesus love you, you know," she teases.
"I doubt it," I tease back.
Our laughter tumbles over the hills and disturbs the rabbits, hiding in the grass. The sun is shining, it will rise in the east tomorrow, God is everywhere, God is nowhere, I am breathing in God, God is breathing into me, and all is right in the world.
The End.