Authors Note:
This story is being uploaded because I can't get it out of my mind. I hope it is only a one shot, but who knows. In advance sorry for any spelling or gramma errors, for some reason spell check is not working, and I have no Beta.
Greed, Failure, Worthess, Gross, these are words that discribe me.
I can not control the greed, once I start I can not stop, when I can not stop I fail. There is no room for failure.
Yet still failure becomes me, I gave into temptation, I must push harder to make sure I do not fail again, and somehow I am persueded to once again start, I still can not stop once I begin, once again I fail.
If I fail I am worthless. Nobody cares about you when you are worthless, who cares that you needed it, who cares , you are still worthless. I will try harder the next time.
Trying so hard to be perfect is making me gross, my hair is falling out of the hairstyle it was in this morning, I have run my hands through it so many times trying to find the answer. My clothes have become wrinkled and are sitting completely wrong.
Nothing is right anymore.
But I can fix it, I can control the greed, the failure, the worthlessness, I can rid myself of the grossness. I just need to make sure I can last until the end of the day, then everything will be ok.
Finally the day is over and I can relax, I made it through the day. I didn't fail today. Today I managed to get everything right. Today I am proud of myself.
I walk into the common room to find it is loud, I leave just as quickly as I had come in. No one see's me enter or leave, I am worthless and nobody cares, I understand though, afterall we have just won the quidditch match. What I don't understand though is why Lavender's tounge was shoved down Ron's throat.
I am no longer proud.
Tears begin to fall down my cheeks, I make it half way before I realise where I am going. I have to regain my control. I wipe the tears from my eyes and turn back the way I came from. I can not give into the greed that I feel, if I do, it'll only be worse tomorrow, everyone wil know I failed.
Sleeping has become difficult, continually I am waking up with bad dreams, dreams that point out my flaws, the imperfections that I can already see when I am awake. For once I want a night where I can just have a dreamless sleep, a time to forget that I am not perfect.
Professor Binns, has his class always been so boring? I am finding it hard to keep my eyes open. I'll just lay my head down for a minute.
"Hermione, let's go, we can't be late for Deffence against the Dark Arts, Snape will take 100 points from Gryffinder," I hear Harry say. I open my eyes, there is only Harry, Ron and I.
This can't be right, class only just started, I only closed my eyes for a second, didn't I?
"I'm coming," I quickly put my books into my bag and stand up.
Black dots swim into my vission. Must have gotten up to fast.
"Are you okay 'Mione? You look a little pale," Ron's voice. I think.
Black spots cover my vision completely.
I feel myself falling.
Then nothing.
Waking up there is something down my throat. What is it? I try and pull on it, only to have two large hands take mine in their own and hold them.
I look into the eyes of the person sitting by my bed. Harry.
He knows I have failed again.
He believes I have failed him, yet I believe it to be I have failed myself.
People have noticed again, they will try to take my control away again.
"I'm sorry Hermione," he says, tears in his eyes, "I should have been paying more attention to you, it's just I was so caught up in lessons with Snape and Dumbledoor, I forgot about you".
Acknowledgement that people do not care about me. If they cared they would have noticed, they would have tried to stop me.
I can't look at Harry anymore, I feel ashamed that I have been caught.
Madame Promfry comes over, she tells me I am dangerously below a healthy weight.
I hear, you failed, you are worthless, you are gross.
Soon I will be at a healthy weight again and I can resume being greedy. I will make myself feel better by limiting my food once more, whilst my friends suffer watching me hurt myself.
Inturn making me feel even more worthless that I make my friends feel this way.
I am gross, slowly loosing weight until I look like a twig.
This time I want to fail. I don't want to have my friends suffer whilst I limit my food, I do not want to look like a twig anymore, I will not make my friends feel this way.
But I hate to fail.
The cycle will begin again.
Fin
Authors Note:
Not my normal style of writing, and I am not even sure if this will make sense to anyone who isn't me. I was inspired from this picture: .
Please leave a review, and let me know if it made any sense to anyone outside of my brain, tell me if the writing style is horrible, or if you thought it was amazing.
Thanks all,
Danni.