And now it's time for Bum Reviews. With Chester A. Bum.
Tonight's review...Mass Effect 3
...
OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST GAME I'VE EVER PLAYED IN MY LIFE!
I am the vanguard of your SPOILERS!
There's this guy, named Commander Shepard!
And he's in trouble because he killed a whole bunch of Batabatatarians!
Wait, why's he in trouble for that?
Aren't Batabatatarians like nazis in this universe?
But then all the Alliance's colonies drop out of contact!
Because they're being attacked by THE REAPERS!
I WAS A REAPER ONCE!
Blue Oyster Cult did not fear me.
Even though I was trying to turn them into cyborg zombies.
AND THE DEFENSE COUNCIL IS LIKE:
"We need a plan!"
AND SHEPARD IS LIKE:
"We fight or we die. That's the plan!"
"Well obviously, yes. But we were hoping for something more specific. You know, like where we should fight or, with what weapons we should fight?"
"I was actually just getting to that. You see, if we're going to kill Reapers, we need a whole bunch of- Oh crap a Reaper."
ZAP!
BOOM!
And then Shepard and Anderson try to get back to the Normandy!
AND SHEPARD AND ANDERSON ARE LIKE:
"CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP."
AND ANDERSON IS LIKE:
"We can't win this alone. Go get help!"
AND HACKETT IS LIKE:
"Before you go, could you drop by Mars and pick up some milk, bread, eggs and the blueprints to an ancient super-weapon? Kay, thanks."
And on Mars Shepard fights CERBERUS!
AND THE ILLUSIVE MAN IS LIKE:
"I'm going to control the Reapers and take over the galaxy! Muahahahahahaha!"
And then you find out that the only way to beat the Reapers is to create an ancient super-weapon called THE CRUCIBLE!
Wait, we're going to beat the Reapers by taking them to see a 1952 play by Arthur Miller about the Salem witch trials?
So Shepard goes around the galaxy to rally together all the disparate races of the galaxy!
AND THE TURIANS ARE LIKE:
"We can't support Earth until we can get Krogan support on Palaven."
AND THE KROGAN ARE LIKE:
"We're not supporting the Turians until we get a cure for the genophage!"
AND THE SALARIANS ARE LIKE:
"We won't support Earth if the genophage is cured!"
AND THE QUARIANS ARE LIKE:
"We can't help against the Reapers, because we're fighting the Geth right now."
AND THE GETH ARE LIKE:
"We can't help against the Reapers, because we're fighting the Quarians right now."
AND THE OVERPRICED DLC SQUAD MEMBER IS LIKE:
"Everyone in this cycle is an idiot."
I know right?
Oh Javik. I don't care if you cost me 15 dollars I could've spent on drugs. You're worth the abuse!
Like a Russian Dominatrix.
Wow, I'm way too hung up on that Russian Dominatrix, aren't I?
I have issues.
Anyway...
Mordin dies curing the genophage!
*sniff* He really WAS the very model of a scientist Salarian.
AND THEN:
Legion dies giving the Geth independent thought!
Wait a minute.
Legion died to bless his race...
OH MY GOD!
LEGION IS TED NEELEY!
Leeeegion!
Suuuperstaaar!
Dooo you think you're what they say you aaare?
Does that make Tali Carl Anderson?
But I digress.
So then you go to Thessia to get data on the Catalyst!
HOORAY!
But then some Asian douchebag takes it from you.
Hu-roo.
But then you go to Horizon and get the data back!
HOORAY!
But the data isn't there and Miranda dies in your arms.
Hu-roo.
But then you go to Cronos Station to get the data back!
HOORAY!
And you actually get it back this time!
DOUBLE-HOORAY!
And you get to kill the Asian douchebag!
TRIPLE-HOORAY!
AND THEN THE VI IS LIKE:
"The Citadel is the Catalyst. Also: The Reapers have moved it to Earth."
"Wait, how do you just MOVE a gigantic space station without anyone noticing?"
"Uh..."
"Piss off. I'm gonna go finish the trilogy."
AND THEN:
All the allies you've spent the game recruiting arrive at Earth!
AND THEN:
You land on Earth!
AND THEN:
You fight Reaper bad guys!
AND THEN:
You bid your squad mates a final farewell, as well as giving them all a rousing speech!
AND THEN:
You fight more Reaper bad guys!
AND THEN:
You blow up a Reaper!
HOORAY!
But then Harbinger blows you up and all your dudes.
Hu-roo.
AND THEN:
Shepard gets up, but is heavily injured!
And this marauder shows up!
AND THE MARAUDER IS LIKE:
"Shepard stop! My name is Marauder Shields and you don't wanna go up that beam!"
"Explain yourself, Reaper scum..."
"The ending to this game is bad. Like, really, really bad."
"Oh come on, it can't be that bad."
"Dude! Haven't you read all the threads on the Bioware social network that go on about how much the ending sucks?"
"Ah, that's just a bunch of talimancers that are pissed off that they didn't get to marry Tali in the epilogue or something."
"No, you don't understand. Shepard DIES in the end, for one."
"Really?"
"Yeah!"
"Well that doesn't sound so bad. Why, a heroic sacrifice is a great way to end this trilogy! What are you talking about?"
"No, that's not how it plays out! Look, you lose the mass relays and-"
"Really?"
"Yeah!"
"That IS a downer. But I'm sure it was a necessary sacrifice!"
"What?"
"In fact, shutting down the mass relays makes perfect sense!"
"What do you mean?"
"The Reapers built the mass relays, right?"
"Right."
"And they built them so that organics would evolve along the paths they desire, right?"
"Right."
"So the only way to free the galaxy from Reaper influence once and for all is to shut down the mass relay network once and for all! And though it means I'll never see any of my alien friends again, their memories shall always live in on my heart, as my memory will live on in theirs."
"...Did you just describe the ending to Digimon Adventure 01?"
"Pretty much."
"Well there you have it! A friggin' DIGIMON ANIME ENDING would've been preferable to the ending you're gonna get!"
"I've had enough of your snide insinuations, Marauder Shields."
"Shepard wait!"
*BANG!*
*DEAD!*
Stupid Maruader Shields.
As if Bioware would ever let me down.
Anyway...
You make your way up to the Citadel!
And you meet up with Anderson there!
But you also meet THE ILLUSIVE MAN!
AND THE ILLUSIVE MAN IS LIKE:
"I control the Reapers now! I am powerful beyond imagining!"
AND SHEPARD IS LIKE:
"You were a champion of Humanity! And now you're killing Humans! You're a monster!"
"Oh my God, I am a monster."
"You are."
"I am, aren't I?"
"Yes indeed."
"Hm."
"Quite."
"Right, shall I shoot myself in the head?"
"That may be best."
"Okay then. Goodbye cruel world and all that jazz."
*BANG!*
*DEAD!*
And so Shepard opens up the Citadel arms so the Crucible can dock with the Citadel!
AND ANDERSON IS LIKE:
"Hell of a view."
"Best seat in the house sir."
"I'm proud of you son."
*bleh*
AND I'M LIKE:
*weeping*
What an emotional moment!
I don't see why the fanboys are complaining, this is a wonderful ending!
Bravo bravo!
Encore encore!
AND THEN:
A heavenly elevator takes Shepard up to the roof of the Citadel.
AND I'M LIKE:
The fudge is going on?
Remember; Mormon.
And Shepard meets THE CATALYST!
AND THE CATALYST IS LIKE:
"Organics inevitably create synthetics that rebel against and destroy them. So I created the Reapers to kill all organics before they can create synthetics that kill them. You see, organics and synthetics will always be at war with each other!"
AND I'M LIKE:
WHAT THE HELL?
FIRST:
His solution to synthetics killing organics is to create synthetics to kill organics before the organics can create synthetics and then get killed by them.
Isn't that like shooting a guy in the head so that he doesn't get shot in the heart later?
SECOND:
What's this 'Synthetic and Organics are destined to always try and kill each other' stuff?
I created peace between the Geth and Quarians!
...After they spent the last three hundred years killing each other.
Okay, I guess the Catalyst has a point there.
THIRD:
If the Reapers ARE wiping us out for our own good, couldn't they do it in a way that's not as...terrifying?
I mean:
HUSKS ARE LIKE:
UuuuuuuuUUUUUUuuuuuuHhhhhhhh!
AND CANNIBALS ARE LIKE:
HUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAHHHHHH!
AND MARAUDERS ARE LIKE:
Veeeeeeeeooooooooooor!
AND RAVAGERS ARE LIKE:
SkrrrreeeeeeeEEEEEEeeee!
AND BRUTE ARE LIKE:
GRRRrrrrRRAAAAAAAAAGH!
AND BANSHEES ARE LIKE:
RREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
AND THE WHOLE TIME I WAS LIKE:
Aaaah! Aaaaah! AAAAAAAAH!
Not exactly a mercy killing guys!
Couldn't the Reapers have been nicer about the whole 'genocide' thing?
Like use unicorns and rainbows instead of cyborg zombies born from my nightmares?
"I'm a fairy! Would you like to step inside this chamber for an ascension tea party, Mr. Human?"
"Why I'd be delighted!"
"He's in the processing chamber! Fire it up!"
That's how My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic indoctrinates people. That's all I'm saying.
But I digress.
So the Catalyst gives you three choices!
You can DESTROY:
Which kills all the Reapers in the galaxy!
HOORAY!
But also kills all the Geth and EDI.
Hu-roo.
You can CONTROL:
Which makes the Reapers go away!
HOORAY!
But you get vaporized.
Hu-roo.
Or, you can SYNTHESIZE:
Which makes the Reapers go away!
HOORAY!
But you get vaporized.
Hu-roo.
AND SHEPARD IS LIKE:
"Which one should I pick? Which one should I pick?"
AND THE CATALYST IS LIKE:
"I recommend Synthesis."
"Why?"
"It is the final evolution of life."
"...What?"
"It gives everyone glowy green eyes."
"Cool!"
So Shepard dives into the beam and gets vaporized!
AND SHEPARD IS LIKE:
"AAAAAAAAGH! THIS HURTS! THIS REALLY REALLY HURTS! WHY DID I CHOOSE THIS OPTION? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
AND THEN:
The Citadel sends out this big green laser beam!
AND THEN:
All the mass relays shoot out the green laser too!
AND THE REAPERS ARE LIKE:
"Huh. Shepard's enacted the Synthesis. Welp. Guess we'll be leaving now."
"Really? Aw, but I was gonna squish this orphanage."
"You know the plot! Alright guys! Pack your bags! We're outta here!"
And then the Normandy is in the middle of a mass relay jump...for some reason.
But they're being chased by the GREEN LASER BEAM!
AND JOKER IS LIKE:
"CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP."
AND THEN:
The Normandy crash lands on a planet in the middle of nowhere!
AND THEN:
Joker and EDI hold each other.
AND I'M LIKE:
Awwww...
Wait, they're stranded on a planet in the middle of nowhere?
Sucks.
AND THEN SOME KID IS LIKE:
"Did that all really happen?"
AND THE GRAMPA IS LIKE:
"Yes, but some of the details have been lost in time. It all happened so long ago."
"So it's possible that the ending was actually kinda good?"
"Eh. Maybe."
The End!
This is Chester A. Bum saying: CHANGE? YA GOT CHANGE? AW, COME ON! HELP A GUY OUT WILL YA? COME ON, CHANGE!
Come on, man! I need enough money to repair all those mass relays! Space magic can really leave a mess, I'll tell ya.
...
Seriously though. 99.6% of the game was just brilliant. The last .4% percent though? Yeah. I can see why a lot of people don't like it