Author's Note 1: Hey everyone! It's the one and only Panzerraptor with a new oneshot. No this isn't gonna be a coupling; it's a versus fic with two characters few people would ever put together in the same story. Figured it's about time someone did, and low and behold that someone was me. It's a battle from opposing ends of the sanity spectrum. A supernatural teen with strange orange hair versus a red and black gun for hire with strange... everything. Who will win this brawl in Karakura Town. Why don't we go ahead and find out?

Authors Note 2: Italics are regular thought. Italics in parenthesis are substitutes for Deadpool's yellow boxes. Gotta do what you can with the resources you have, right?

Duality's Schism: Of Psychopaths and Psychopomps

Traveling through the city in search of hollows, substitute shinigami Ichigo Kurosaki was on the job. Dashing through the air, the teen was on his way to the shopping district at the northwest side of town. In a few minutes, the orange-haired teen arrived at the center of the mall. He looked around the area, only to see that it was deserted. "This is weird," Ichigo thought. "This place is usually busy at this time of day. Where is everyone?" He walked through the building, looking for any sign of life (or afterlife). However, his search came up empty, causing Ichigo to scratch his head. "I could've sworn the badge said there was a hollow around here? Maybe I need to check back with Ukitake next time I return to Soul Society. My seal must be broken or something."

As the teen was about to leave the scene, he heard a loud, ear-splitting scream echo through the hall. "Ah! Save me! Save me! Help, somebody! Ah!"

A deadpanned look was pasted on the teen's face. "You can't be serious," he thought. "If that's a cry for help, then it's clearly for need of acting lessons."

"Ah no!" the squealer continued. "Someone went and stole my purse! And my baby! Oh dear, he's so big and strong! And quite handsome too… But I still wish someone could help li'l ol' me!"

"Oh god," Ichigo massaged the ridge of his nose. He knew that the call was some kind of ruse. Still, if it had something to do with what was going on, he knew there was no other choice but to find out. "I just know I'm going to regret this later on." "Hang on… whoever you are!" he called. "I'm on my way!" The strawberry-haired teen followed the yells of the unidentified person. Knowing that it was most likely a trap, the teen wrapped his hand on Zangetsu's bandaged hilt as he continued through the building.

Once he arrived at the cafeteria section, the teen took in his surroundings. All around him stood empty white chairs and circular tables. Hanging above the center was a large flat-screen television set which usually showcased the mall's products and sales. Honestly, the teen didn't know why there was a T.V. in a place like this, though it didn't really matter to him. He stood on guard, focusing more on the unknown entity who was somewhere nearby. "Hey, where are you!" Ichigo called as he treaded carefully across the food court. However, he heard no response in return. "Hello? Anyone here?" Again, there was no one reply from the young male's call. "I wonder if I'm just wasting my time," he thought. "Even if there's someone here, I'm in shinigami form. Unless whoever they are can see spirits, I doubt they know I'm here." Suddenly, Ichigo heard a loud screaming noise very close by. He turned to the direction of the source and saw the back of a stroller only a few feet away. "Could that be.…?" The teen ran to the wheeled contraption and turned it around. Sitting in the seat was a seemingly ordinary doll, still screaming like mad. "What the hell?" he asked himself as he grabbed the noisy object by its head. He glanced at the object over, acknowledging that he, or whoever this intended person was, had been duped.

As he held the doll close, the shinigami began hearing small beeps. With every second, the clicks became louder and faster. Instinctually, Ichigo knew there was something wrong. He looked around in hopes of finding the noise, but saw nothing out of the ordinary. Then he realized that it was coming from the baby itself. He spun the doll around and saw a large black box attached to its back with a small blinking red light. At that moment, Ichigo realized that he literally had a ticking time bomb in his hands. "You gotta be kidding me!" he mentally screamed. Just as the box's light flashed violently, Ichigo tossed the doll into the air at the last possible second, hunkering down to the ground quickly after.

Now airborne the doll chirped "Bye bye!" before the bomb on its back went off. The force of the explosion sent a screaming Ichigo flying, along with everything in the blast's range. Chairs and tables were thrown about like mere plastic toys while nearby kiosks and restaurant counters were reduced to rubble. Store windows and fragile items shattered to pieces by the strong force of the shockwave.

After the explosion subsided, the surrounding area was demolished and a large burn was etched in the ground. Whatever objects survived were stacked in piles around the clearing. Not far from the blast site, a hill of cafeteria equipment rustled objects and pieces were being moved to the side. Emerging from the mountain of rubble and debris was Ichigo. His body was covered in burns and parts of his attire were ripped. Even so, the damage was more or less minimal. "I can't believe I survived that," he said. The teen then surveyed the mess. What was once a beautiful cafeteria crowded with seats was now a small clearing with destroyed property strewn about the area. "At least there was no one here. Still, who the hell would leave a bomb in a mall? Could it be a terrorist attack?"

"Hey, testing!" an unclear voice called. "Is this thing on?" Ichigo looked in all directions for a source. He then noticed the television, whose frame was dangling by a few wires only a few inches from the ground. He was surprised to see that there was a transmission coming in, even if the signal was mostly static. "Hello? Testing, testing!" Ichigo pushed himself out of the mountain of furniture and stepped toward the screen. "Oh man… Whoever's in charge of these crappy things really need to change service providers." After a few moments, the static cleared and revealed a person on the screen. His face was covered in a red mask with large black patches over each eye. "There we go," the person said, finally satisfied with the semi-clear picture. "Hey there, buddy! I see you're still up and walking! Not bad for a guy who took a C4 detonation head-on." Ichigo was skeptical as to whether the masked man was directly speaking to him. He glanced around, believing that there was someone else who might have been in the blast. "Yeah, I'm talking to you! The guy with the black clothes and ridiculously orange hair! I mean come on! A blind man would notice something as bright and loud as that cranial scruff." Ichigo scowled at the man, his hand resting on Zangetsu's hilt with deadly intent. "Whoa there, easy does it! Geez, someone needs to calm down."

"You're telling me to calm down!" Ichigo hollered. "You just tried to blow me and this entire building to bits, you bastard!"

"Who, moi?" the man said innocently. "I wasn't trying to blow you up. It was more along the lines of singeing and well-done. Though I admit, I was a little too creative with the nitroglycerin. But hey, you're still in one piece. That averted quite the mess." Ichigo looked back at the chaos from the explosion and back to the man on television. He was at disbelief from what the person was saying. "I mean a bigger, nastier mess. Trust me when I say it's hard to clean off blood and organs from such hard surfaces. You can only carry so much Pledge with you at once."

"Shut up!" Ichigo shouted. After hearing the constant rant and surviving an explosion, the teen was both angered and annoyed. All he wanted to do was find this man and make him pay for what he did. "Who the hell are you and what are you doing in Karakura Town!"

"You mean you don't know? I figured with the number of on-going series, guest appearances, cover variants, and appearances in video games and movies, would have been able to divert that attention by now. Of course, I am in a distant anime-type universe set within a foreign country. I guess I'm still not at that Wolverine-level publicity like I thought. Heh, guess I should start talking to the big heads at Tatsunoko about a crossover. I mean, I'm already making waves with the staff at Capcom."

"Just answer the damn question, you idiot!" Ichigo shouted, annoyed by the fact the man had ignored his query altogether.

"Alright, fine. The last thing we need is for the rest of your body to catch on fire. Much like your head." The shinigami growled once more as his fist tightened. "I go by many titles: The Crimson Nutcase, Mithras, Wildcard, Jack if you want to believe a pasty magical carcass. But to everyone and anyone that has any taste in their heroes and really loves a good kill with a pinch of comedic comeuppance, I am the one and only…"

"[Unless dimensional crosses are involved.]"

"Merc With a Mouth, Deadpool! Please, keep in your excitement, my loyal fans. You're flattering me."

"Deadpool?" Ichigo questioned. "What the hell kind of name is that? Was Dirty Harry taken?" "Alright, Deadpool. Tell me what you're doing here?"

"Oh I have my ways, Ichigo. I'd tell you all about that, but the author doesn't want this fanfic to end up like that movie Transporter."

"[There was talking? I thought it was just a show about a car?]"

"Maybe he was thinking of Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang…"

"What did you just say?" the shinigami asked with a risen brow.

"Anyway, you want to know why I'm here, right? Well suffice it to say…" Suddenly, Deadpool disappeared from the screen for a split second. The teen knew something was wrong. However, he was unable to respond in time as the orange-haired boy heard the sound of a gun cocked behind his head. "You're life's on the D-List. And I don't mean that unfunny reality show with the wanna-be lesbian chick Kathy Griffin. I mean the one where I get to either cut you up or shoot you down. Either way works for me."

"What the hell!" Ichigo was stunned by how fast Deadpool had arrived. He was sure the room the mercenary was in had to be located on the other side of the mall.

"You see, I was hired by a client, oh, let's call him 'He Who Shall Not Be Named' for those few Harry Potter trying to stick it through this Twilight fad. He wanted me to take some time out of my busy schedule of killing and maiming to spend a little 'fun time' with you. And what can I say, I always love having a little fun."

"D-Damn it! So you're working for Aizen!" Ichigo hissed. He knew that Aizen was not above pulling any trick out of the book. By using hypnosis to creating a deadly band of hollows as pawns, the traitorous ex-captain would do anything to further his goals. Though hiring an assassin from the World of the Living, his home realm, was the last thing that came to mind.

"Aizen?" Deadpool asked with a risen brow. "You mean manga's answer to an evil Superman? The one that goes from walking sperm, to hillbilly, to freaky butterfly, to freak butterfly dragon thing?"

"What!" Ichigo asked in shock.

"Never heard of him. See, I'm working for a different clientele. But enough of the details."

[Like the fact that you were hired off of Craigslist. See kids? You can still find anything floating around the classifieds in this day and age.]

Deadpool quickly drew his semi-automatic guns, their barrels pointed at the teen's head. "Let's get to the killing! Try not to take it personal when your dead." Without a second thought, the mercenary pulled the trigger of his firearm, sending a volley of bullets at his quarry. Ichigo evaded the initial shots and began running around the foe, using his giant cleaver as a shield. Once the shots ended, the strawberry-haired teen charged toward Deadpool, his sword's blade running along the linoleum floor, leaving a shallow trail. Once he was in range, the shinigami swung his blade in an attempt to strike his competition. However, Deadpool managed to avoid the swings with surprising speed. "Wow, that's one big sword," the hired gun responded. Putting away one of his weapons, Deadpool drew one of his katanas and locked the teen in place. "You know, my source said that unlike the rest of your buddies, that thing's always stuck in this form. Looks like someone's overcompensating for something."

"Shut up," Ichigo glowered before freeing himself and delivering a strong swipe. However, the assassin merely chuckled as he backflipped away from the weapon's reach.

"Oh don't be like that," Deadpool replied before he charged toward Ichigo. The strawberry-haired teen held his weapon firmly and blocked the killer-for-hire's strike. "I get that you're at that age where you're finally noticing women. Believe me, I've been there. But take it from me, you need more than a large blade to get the ladies' attention."

[Course nothing says conversation opener like bringing a fully loaded Rocket Launcher to a birthday party.]

"I said shut up!" Ichigo swung his blade forward with enough force to push the mercenary back. "Getsuga Tensho!" he yelled as he slammed the weapon in the ground, unleashing a wave of energy. Seeing the light blue wave rushing toward him, Deadpool pressed the button on his belt buckle and teleported from the trail. Ichigo stood still, his eyes shifting from side to side for any trace of his opponent. "Where'd that bastard go?" he thought.

"Yoohoo!" the shinigami heard. Ichigo snapped his neck up and saw the red-and-black clothed foe hanging on an over head banner. Leaping off the decoration, the mercenary unloaded his lead from his gun at Ichigo's spot. Ichigo backed away from the bullet spray, his spot now taken from the wily Merc-With-a-Mouth. "Not a bad attack, Carrot Top," Deadpool complimented. "But really, do you have to announce. I get that we're in Japan and all, but come on! Unless this is Gundam, Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann, Pokemon, a miscellaneous harem show, or an internet meme contest, you're only making it easier for me."

"H-How the hell is he doing that!" Ichigo muddled as he scowled deeply at his enemy. "Even if he is human, I should've been able to sense him. Unless… he has no spiritual awareness! How the hell is that possible!"

"What's wrong, Ichigo? You seem to have something on your mind. Let's see if a little lead therapy can't take care of that!" Deadpool pulled the trigger, sending another furry of bullets to the shinigami. However, Ichigo quickly used shunpo to escape onto the second level. "Why did you run? I figured you would like the taste of chicken! And here, I even ordered a side of pineapple to go with it!" Ichigo leapt off the level as the mercenary lopped a grenade where he stood. The handheld explosive detonated on impact, destroying a store nearby and sending Ichigo crashing onto the first level. "I think I'd give that landing a six at best."

Ichigo rose to his feet and firmly held his blade. He panted heavily as he focused on the comedic killer before him. "How are you fighting me?" he asked. "You don't have any spiritual energy. You shouldn't even be able to see me."

"Oh, so now we're going into spiritual mumbo jumbo? Honestly, that stuff is so overrated," Deadpool said. As he saw the young man's expression, the mercenary decided to humble his target as he approached him. "Who knows? Maybe it's because I tried to hook up with Death, but was cursed with immortality and this is a little side effect. Maybe it's been all those experiment that the good ol' folks at Weapon X put me through. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm so messed up and seen so much supernatural crap that a dead head, like yourself, is as easy to spot as a canker on Amy Winehouse's face. Or at least, what she calls a canker. But I digress?" Deadpool fired another shot, which was blocked by Ichigo quickly raising Zangetsu's blade. As the teen lowered his sword, Deadpool disappeared once again. "You know what my favorite move in Street Fighter is?" he heard from behind. Ichigo whipped around to retaliate, but was too slow to respond as Deadpool beat him to the literal punch. "Shoryuken!" he shouted as the mercenary used a jumping uppercut that connected beneath Ichigo's jaw. The force of the blow was enough to send the young man flying.

[Nice. Like that reference hasn't been overdone by now.]

"Hey, shut up! I'm working on my homages here, you substitute expositions!"

"This guy is strong! I bet Chad would have his hands full with this guy," Ichigo thought before he recovered in midair. He rubbed his sore jaw, which was surprisingly not broken.

Back on the ground, Deadpool fired his gun at the hovering target, but the attacks missed as Ichigo used his shunpo to escape the rounds. After a few minutes of dispelling ammunition, Deadpool's gun was empty. "Well, there goes Professor Veronica. Welcome back, Dr. Betty!" the mercenary replied as he tossed away his empty weapon and was about to replace it with his second gun.

"Not so fast!" Ichigo replied as he shunpoed in front of Deadpool just as he drew his firearm. Crouched low, the strawberry-haired shinigami swung his sword upward, slashing the mercenary's gun hand clean off his limb (with the owner letting out a shrill yelp). Deadpool staggered back as he held his partially amputated arm close to his body. Ichigo gave a threatening glare as he pointed the edge of his sword toward his attacker. "It's over, Deadpool," he replied. "If you leave now, this doesn't have to go any further."

However, Ichigo was surprised to hear only a low chuckle coming from Deadpool. "Well, it looks like you're starting to get serious," he said. "That's good. Now I don't have to hold back either." The mercenary let go of his arm, still dripping with blood. As Ichigo watched him closely, he was shocked to see the arm quickly grow into a fully functional hand.

The shinigami's eyes widened in shock as the assassin tested his newly grown limb's flexibility. "No way!" he thought. "He can instantly regenerate! What the hell is he!"

"Ah, there we go," Deadpool said with a smile under his mask before slipping into a glove. "Nice." He then turned to Ichigo as he drew his second katana from the sheath on his back. "Now to have some real fun." Deadpool charged at the shinigami with a burst of speed, his arms crossed as he approached his target. Ichigo also dashed after the mercenary, ready to take down his enemy quickly. Blades clashed together and the two's eyes met with venomous glares. Both opponents parried and blocked one another's attacks.

Thanks to Yoruichi's training, Ichigo was able to hold the ninja-like killer at bay with his quick reflexes. Still, he couldn't take anything away from the assassin. Deadpool's speed and skill in nitojutsu proved to be a challenge. Every time he thought he found an opening, the Merc With a Mouth managed to defend accordingly. Not only that, but he was starting to see the speed of his attacks were getting faster and more focused. "It's time to finish this!" After trading blows, Ichigo blocked the mercenary's attack before shoving him back with all of his might.

Deadpool slid back from the force of the attack, his weapons held defensively. However, the assassin was unable to counter as Ichigo shunpoed behind him and swung his large blade upward. "Uh oh," was all the black and red killer could say before he was slashed into the air by the shinigami. The next thing, he saw was Ichigo looming over him, Zangetsu held high above his head. "Getsuga Tensho!" Ichigo fired his energy slash at point blank rage. All Deadpool could do was yell as he collided into the ground from the hit's strike.

Ichigo returned to the ground and walked forward to the crater his attack created. Looking down, he saw Deadpool's broken body lying in the center. "That should take care of him for a bit," the substitute thought out loud.

As Ichigo turned to leave the scene, Deadpool began to open his eyes and watched the young shinigami. A smile grew under his mask. "Little does Carrot Top know that I left him a little present." Attached to Ichigo's blade was a small explosive that the mercenary placed just as he was tossed into the air. Raising his arm in the air with the detonator in hand, the wily assassin's thumb rested on the trigger switch. "Can you say 'boom goes the dynamite'? Or rather 'bang goes the explosive'?" The Merc With a Mouth pressed the button to his bomb.

A few feet away, Ichigo heard a series of chirps. "No way!" he thought, knowing full well what it meant. He looked around to find the explosive, knowing it was close. After scanning the area, he froze in place and grabbed Zangetsu. Much to the shinigami's shock, he found a small blinking light resting on Zangetsu's blade. "Dammit!" was that last thing that ran through Ichigo's mind before he was blinded by a flash of light and a loud bang.

Ichigo groaned as he slowly sat up. He felt nothing but pain all over his body, though it all paled in comparison to his head, which felt like he was hit with two sledgehammers. After rubbing his forehead, the strawberry shinigami realized most of his body was covered in bandages. He also noticed that he was no longer at the mall. Instead, he was on a cot in a familiar room. "This place…" he thought. "Am I at Urahara Shoten?"

"Well, look who's up," a feminine voice called. Ichigo whipped around and saw Yoruichi sitting on a chair. The chocolate-skinned woman smiled as she watched with gold eyes.

"Yoruichi," he called.

"Took you long enough," she said nonchalantly. "Had a pleasant dream?"

"Knock it off," Ichigo groaned as he rubbed his forehead. "Man, how long was I out?"

"Well I don't know the exact amount, but I'd have to say through most of the whole day."

"What!" the shocked substitute replied. He was worried about what his family would think of his absence. Especially the thoughts that floated in his father's head.

"Relax," Yoruichi said assuredly. "I told your friends about what happened. They said they'll tell your folks you're staying at Chad's house."

Ichigo let a small sigh of relief. At least he knew his sisters wouldn't be worried. "What happened? One minute I was fighting this psycho at the mall. But everything after that is a blank."

"Looks like that guy gave you quite a workout," Yoruichi replied. "When I arrived over there, you were knocked out and covered with some severe cuts and burns. Luckily, the weapon your opponent used was only able to knock you out thanks to your high reiatsu acting as a shock absorber."

"I see…" Ichigo replied as the information sunk in. That would explain why his face is still the same even though he was literally holding a hot potato. "Oh! But what about Deadpool!" the shinigami replied. "That guy I was fighting is downright insane! I knew I should've used bankai at the beginning. We have to go and stop him before-!" Once more Ichigo was cut short by his wounds reacting to his movements.

Yoruichi let out a small sigh as she shook her head. "Didn't I tell you to stop moving?" she asked, partially annoyed by the teen's stubbornness. "If you keep this up, you're going to kill yourself."

"But Deadpool…"

"It's alright. Right now, you need to rest. You can worry about that stuff later on." Yoruichi pushed herself from her seat and walked to the door. She slid it open and was ready to leave before being stopped by the teen behind her.

"Hey, Yoruichi," he began. "Thanks for bringing me here."

A small chuckle escaped the dark-skinned woman's lips. "Actually, it wasn't me who brought you here," she said. "But I was the one that patched you up."

"But I thought you said you were the one who found me knocked out?"

"I was," Yoruichi said with a smile. "But let's just say someone else did the heavy lifting."

Ichigo could only blink in confusion as the mirthful ex-captain left the room. With her pupil in recovery, she walked down the hall and entered the front of the store. "He'll be alright," she reported to Kisuke, who was sitting on a step with a smile on his face. "He just needs some rest and he'll be good as new."

"That's good to hear," Kisuke replied.

He then turned his attention to his patron, who was busy browsing the merchandise of sweets throughout the store. "Holy crap! They got the limited Chocolate Shurkens! I thought they discontinued these back in the 80's!"

[Oh we are totally getting a pack of these and the licorice choke wire.]

"Thanks for your help, Deadpool," the storekeeper said with a smile.

"Hey, no problem!" the mercenary replied. "It's not everyday you get to go up against a hero in a crazy crossover!"

[As a fanfic character or as a regular occurrence in your on-goings?]

"Oh, hardy, har, har." "So why did you have me go up Ichigo in the first place?" Deadpool asked. "I mean, you know… For the readers at home to figure out."

Yoruichi only shook her head in confusion to the assassin's statement. "Well, I guess I can repeat it since you've finished your job," Kisuke replied. "I figured Ichigo had to fight someone who was unexpected and… unconventional. A person who can't be fought using ordinary tactics. Since he'll be facing Aizen soon, Ichigo needs to be prepared for anything that man can throw at him."

"And that's where I come in!" Deadpool replied triumphantly as he placed a thumb on his chest. "Because I'm just so damn awesome!"

"Sure, that's it," Kisuke said as he waved a fan. "Hey, Yoruichi. Could you get the suitcase from the back? The one with all the cash in it."

"Yeah, sure," the purple-haired woman replied before leaving the room.

After he was sure the young woman was out of earshot, Deadpool approached Urahara and bent forward. "So Yoruichi's her name, huh?" he whispered.

"That's right," replied the hat-and-clogs wearing male. "She's an old friend of mine who comes by from time to time."

"I see… Out of curiosity, is she single?"

"Oh, I see where this is heading," Kisuke said with a slick tone as his smile began to widen. "Yeah, she's single. And trust me when I say she really loves hot springs."

"Oooh!" the mercenary responded with glee.

However, their discussion ended abruptly as both men were hit hard on their heads with a heavy briefcase. They turned and saw Yoruichi, who was glaring daggers at both the client and her childhood companion. "Whatever you're planning, Kisuke, I'd advise you stop immediately," she warned.

"Oh, come now, Yoruichi," Kisuke pleaded. "We were just having a little business discussion."

"Yeah, just some guy talk between… guys," Deadpool added.

"Course you were," Yoruichi replied. "Anyway, there's your pay. Eighty-two million yen paid in full."

"For those of you playing at home, that's around one million green backs American," Deadpool thought.

"So Deadpool, what will you do now?" Kisuke asked.

"Who knows?" the assassin shrugged. "It's a toss-up between being written by Daniel Way or Victor Gischler."

"What?"

"I mean travel the world, kill some people and miscellaneous things. You know, merc stuff. It's in the job description after all. Or I can stick around here for a while. See the sights, take out some of them freaky monsters."

"Do what you want," Yoruichi said nonchalantly. "It's a big town after all. I'm sure you find something to do."

"Oh she is so in love with us," the mercenary thought as a smile formed under his mask.

[Right. I'm sure she does.]

"Well, I'm off. Smell you guys later," Deadpool replied.

"See ya," Kisuke waved as the assassin walked out the door. "Hm. He's not half bad. It's not every day that a person can take on a shinigami and match him."

"Perhaps," Yoruichi said before turning to her friend. "What do you have in mind, Kisuke?"

"Oh, just a few things," the shopkeeper said as he hid the lower half of his face behind his fan. "It's possible that this guy might come useful in the long run."

Author's Note 3: Well that's the end of this little one shot. I've been working on this thing for quite and it feels good to finally finish it. I admit it has been a while since I last wrote about the Merc With a Mouth (who is one of my favorite characters of all time and the best big damn hero that every man, woman, and child should look up ), but I'm sure I didn't butcher him too badly. I might do some more like this later on when I'm not busy (though between Ambitious Wing and the Dubious Ronin and The Hodgepodge Romance of Ichigo Kurosaki, along with schoolwork, that's pretty unlikely). Anyway, I hoped you all like this little tale. Please read and review.