Unknown Pleasures
Chapter 1: Disorder (1985)
Sara POV:
I tilt my head up towards the ceiling and close my eyes, listening to the sound of Steve Perry's voice echo off of Resa's pink walls. His voice, I don't think I've ever heard anything like it before. Suddenly, the music stops. I open my eyes and look down at Resa, she's at the foot of her bed; boom box next to her thigh.
"Why did you turn it off? That was my favorite part."
She turns her head towards the door and I hear a soft knock on her front door. Oh. She chuckles and climbs off of her bed, walking out of the room. Someone was at the door. I let out a small sigh and lean over to the boom box, pushing the power button on; Steve Perry. I lean back against the pink wall and hear the door open. I turn and Resa walks in, BB and Richard following behind her.
"What are you guys doing here?"
BB jumps on the bed, resting his head next to my thigh. My lips pull into a tight line and he takes off his snap back hat, resting it on my knee. No matter how many times I've told him no, he still tries to get close.
"You girls wanna go to a concert tonight? My Pops landed me four tickets."
Richard says, looking at Resa with raised eyebrows. Resa turns to me and her eyes light up, no doubt her brain already searching for an outfit in her huge walk in closet.
"Wanna go, Sara?"
I feel BB shift against my thigh and I look down, his eyes looking into mine. He wants me to go. I turn back to Resa and she has her lip between her teeth, silently begging for me to say yes. It's Friday. I'm spending the night at her house. Her parents are out of town. My parents wouldn't know.
"Uh, yea. Who's playing?"
Resa jumps up from Richards lap and walks to her closet, a smile on her face as she pulls the chain hanging from the ceiling.
"Joy Division. I don't think you girls listen to that style of music though, at least Resa doesn't."
I look at Resa and she looks at me, shrugging her shoulders. Joy Division? I've heard the name before, just never heard their music. I mean, at least I don't think I have?
"Sara, you wanna borrow an outfit?"
I trail my eyes down to my outfit, eyeing it with confusion. I'm wearing a knitted black sweater, which is a little too big for me, and my favorite Skinny Guess Jeans with a pair of plain black Jelly Bean flats. What's wrong with my outfit?
"No, I'll just go in this."
She takes in a small breath and slowly nods her head, looking back at her clothes that are hanging in her closet, most of them having glitter and sparkles. It amazes me, Resa and me. How different we are. I mean, financial status, we're both the same. Both of our parents are lawyers, we have huge white houses to prove it. But, personality wise, we're both so different.
Resa likes glitter. Anything that sparkles and stops traffic a mile away at how bright it is, Resa wants it. Resa likes Madonna. According to her, that's her idol; 'Her style just speaks to me on an emotional level.' And, jewelry. Resa loves to walk around with beads and pearls hanging around her neck, tied in a little knot at the bottom.
Then, there's me. I have things that sparkle, but I only wear them when I go out and have dinner with my parents. I don't like Madonna as much, I prefer Journey; 'His voice speaks to me on an emotional level.' And, jewelry? It's never been my thing. Besides my ear piercings and the necklace my grandmother gave me, I don't wear any.
"Sara, your hair looks pretty today."
I hear BB's voice. I tear my eyes away from Resa and look down, a piece of hair falling into my face. My lips curl into a small smile and he lifts his hand, pushing my hair behind my ear. I take in a small breath and look down at the ends of my hair. BB loves my hair.
He tells me every day at school. He tells me every time he walks me home. He tells me every time he sees me. He tells me all the time. But, I don't understand why? My hair is completely straight. It has no life to it, nor does it bounce brightly when I walk. The only thing it does is fall into my face whenever I run my fingers through it. It's annoying.
"Thanks, BB."
His lips pull into a small smile and he closes his eyes, pressing his head further into my thigh. I wish I liked BB. I do. He's the sweetest guy I know, and he's always complimenting me. But, I don't feel anything for him. I mean, I care about him. Just, not in that way. He's like a brother to me.
"Baby, we gotta leave in an hour. They go on at 9."
Richard says, his voice laced with annoyance. I turn to Resa and she rolls her eyes, walking over to her Vanity, plopping down on the small chair.
"I won't be that long, Rich. I just have to do my makeup and hair."
Richard groans and tosses his head back against the bed, shaking his head. Resa rolls her eyes again and opens her makeup bag, pouring everything out on the desk.
"Shut up, I don't take that long."
She's annoyed too. I look down at Richard and he takes in a deep breath, trying not to say something back. They argue all the time, but lately he's been biting his tongue for the small things, which is good. I think?
"Just hurry, okay?"
I look down at the ticket in my hand, the word's Joy Division take up most of the paper. I feel a large hand on the small of my back and look back, BB's face right over my shoulder. He smiles and motions to the line with his chin. I turn towards the line and notice that it's moved a couple of feet. I walk the few feet and turn back, looking at BB, Richard and Resa. Resa looks mad and Richard looks annoyed, both of them standing next to each other with pouts on their faces. Great, they're fighting again. I turn to Richard and he points over my shoulder. I turn and see a man standing next to me, holding his hand out.
"Ticket?"
I hold it up for him and he grabs it, ripping the bottom bar code off. He hands it back to me and points his thumb to the door, another guy standing there with a handful of wristbands. I walk over to him and he hands me a blue one, motioning to his wrist. I nod and wrap the band around my wrist, snapping it into place. I feel a familiar large hand on the small of my back again and I tense, finding his touch too intimate. I step away and enter the warehouse, the sound of people talking filling my ears. I look to my left and there's a small hallway with a large black curtain at the end. The smell of alcohol and cigarettes fills my nostrils and I feel my stomach turn. I've never been to Concert in a Venue, only at large places.
"You okay?"
I hear BB's voice. I turn and he's standing right next to me, his eyebrows raised in concern.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I've just never been to a Venue before; I don't know what to do or where to go."
His lips pull into a small smile and he laughs, looking down. Suddenly, I feel his long fingers slip between mine. I take in a small breath and he tugs my hand, walking towards the curtain. He walks in front of me and I look at our hands between us. This is the first time he's ever held my hand . . . and I don't feel it?
'It's like a shock. It's like a bolt of electricity running through your veins. It's a little scary, but the feeling you get after . . . It feels so good, Sara. I don't know how else to describe it, but as a shock.'
Resa's words run through my head. I didn't feel a shock when he grabbed my hand, I didn't feel anything. BB pulls the curtain back and a cloud of smoke hits my face, making my nose scrunch up. He pulls me in more and my pupils grow wide. The room isn't exactly big, but it's filled with a lot of people.
I follow behind him as he pushes past people, people who are eyeing me with confusion. I squeeze onto BB's hand and let my eyes roam over the crowd. We don't fit in. Everyone here is dressed in Denim Vests with Patches sewn onto them. Social Distortion. The Sex Pistols. The Ramones. The Clash. The Misfits. The Smiths. Yeah, we really don't fit in here.
"I'm gonna grab a beer, do you want one?"
I turn to BB and he's looking at me, eyebrows raised. He should know by now that I don't drink.
"You're gonna go grab a beer, man?"
I hear Richards voice behind me. BB nods and I feel a pair of bony fingers grab at my arm. I turn and Resa looks around, her eyes wide in fear at the people surrounding her. She's the one who wanted to come.
"I feel like I should have let you dress me."
I look down at her outfit and take my bottom lip between my teeth, trying to hold back my laugh. She stands out, bad. She's wearing a white sweater, the top cut to hang off of her shoulders. A pair of tight skinny jeans with neon orange leg-warmers and white heels. Yeah, she definitely stands out.
"Where did BB and Richard go?"
I turn my head to the side and look at the people surrounding me, searching for two familiar faces. Suddenly, I hear shouting. People turn their heads towards the stage and lift their hands up, big smiles on their faces. I turn towards the stage and see 2 guys standing there with guitars, one guy sitting in front of a drum set and one guy standing in front of a microphone, his hands gripping the microphone stand for dear life. They must be Joy Division.
The two guys on the guitar begin to strum, the drums slowly entering. I take in a small breath and listen as the beat starts to accelerate, getting faster and faster with each second.
So this is permanence, love's shattered pride
What once was innocence, turned on its side
Grey cloud hangs over me, marks every move
Deep in the memory, what once was love
I trail my eyes to the man gripping his microphone, watching as he sways from left to right with his eyes closed. My stomach grows warm as his voice fills my ears. His voice, it's not like anything I've heard before. His voice is raw and low, yet surprising soft. Gentle. Like he's testing the words out as he sings. It's amazing.
"We're back."
I feel a familiar hand rest on the small of my back and I turn, BB's face right over my shoulder. He's so close. I slowly move away, looking at the people surrounding us. They're all jumping up and down with the music; some people even have their eyes closed. My lips pull into a weak smile, this is their music. This is the music that makes them happy.
"So, how do you like them so far?"
I hear BB's voice. I trail my eyes back to the singer and watch as the words fall from his lips, his eyes shut tight. He's singing like it's the only thing keeping him alive. This, is music.
"I love them. His voice is amazing."
The music slowly fades away and I close my eyes, waiting for the next song. Waiting for his voice. Suddenly, the drums start to play. A soft beat, the guitars joining in gently. I open my eyes and look at the singer. His back is facing the crowd; his shoulders slumped as he lifts the Mic up.
I've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand
Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?
New sensations bear the innocence, leave them for another day
I've got the spirit, lose the feeling, take the shock away
"Hey, I'm gonna go and get another beer. I'll be right back."
I feel BB's hand leave my back and I turn to the side, watching as his body disappears into the crowd. I take in a small breath and slowly skim through the people around me, watching them get lost in the music. My lips pull into a small smile and I start turning my head towards the stage, when something orange catches my eye. I look back in that direction and my eyes land on someone leaning against the wall, their whole body black as a shadow, a cigarette hanging from their lips. The person next to them leans against the wall and the stage lights glow around the left side of their face, my pupils growing wide. It's a boy.
I take in a short breath and look at the cigarette between his lips, watching as it burns a bright orange. Suddenly, he lifts his hand and places his index finger and middle finger around the cigarette, pulling it away from his lips. Smoke slowly blows out of his lips and into the air, the blue stage lights making it look like a fading cloud. I trail my eyes down and skim over his body. He's dressed like everybody else, but a little different. He's wearing a Denim vest with band patches all over it, a white t-shirt with the sleeves cut off and a pair of black skin tight pants. I move my eyes up to his face and study his skin. He must be pale if it looks this blue under the stage lights. I take my bottom lip between my teeth and slowly move up, noticing how firm his jawline is as I stare at his lips. They look relaxed and soft. I trail my eyes up more and look into his, feeling my lungs close. He's staring straight at me. Not only do the blue stage lights make his skin blue, but the color around his pupils too. The corner of his eyes scrunch up a little and his left eyebrow rises. How long have I been staring?
I turn my head towards the singer and take in a short breath. Suddenly, I feel my skin begin to burn. Is he still looking at me? I swallow a puddle of saliva and slowly turn my head towards the boy, a shiver running down my spine as our eyes connect again.
It's getting faster, moving faster now, it's getting out of hand
On the tenth floor, down the backstairs into no man's land
Lights are flashing, cars are crashing, getting frequent now
I've got the spirit, lose the feeling, let it out somehow
I gently cock my head to the side and a piece of hair falls into my face. I lift my hand up and tuck it behind my ear, noticing his lips pulling into a small smile. I feel my cheeks burn and I take my bottom lip between my teeth, watching as he places the cigarette between his lips again. The tip of the cigarette turns bright orange and he removes it from his lips, closing them. I watch him. I want to see the way the smoke dances off his lips. Suddenly, the smoke leaves his nostrils. My pupil's blossom and I watch in fear and amazement. Doesn't that hurt?
The guy next to him leans down to his ear and the boy stiffens, tearing his eyes off mine and planting them on the ground. My eyes soften as his features change from relaxed to . . . angry? He brings the cigarette back up to his lips and takes a short inhale before tossing it onto the concrete ground, the smoke leaving his parted lips in a rush. The guy next to him walks in front of him and the boy pushes his body off the wall, running his hands through his hair. Where is he going?
I take a step towards his direction and he turns his head towards me, his eyes softening as they stare into mine. My feet plant themselves to the ground and he licks his lips, his chest rising and falling at a steady rhythm. Is he leaving?
What means to you, what means to me and we will meet again
I'm watching you, I watch it all, I take no pity from your friends
Who is right, who can tell and who gives a damn right now?
Until' the spirit, new sensation takes hold, then you know
He tilts his head back and I trail my eyes down his long neck, watching it drink in the blue stage lights. I take in a short breath and look back up, noticing the small smile on his lips as our eyes connect. My cheeks start to burn. The guy in front of him taps his shoulder and the boy turns to him, slowly nodding his head. I take my bottom lip between my teeth and he turns to me, no smile on his face, no heavy gaze. I tilt my head to the side and he turns away, walking behind his friend; disappearing into the crowd. My skin burns and I turn to the wall where his body once was. I close my eyes and imagine him standing there, a cigarette gracefully between his lips while his eyes look into mine.
"You okay?"
I hear a familiar voice. I open my eyes and BB's standing next to me, blocking the view of where the boy once was. The look in his eyes flash genuine concern and I look down at the ground, finding the floor littered with burnt out cigarettes. The boy.
I feel his large hand on my back and I lift my head, looking up at BB. He cocks his head to the side and I force a smile onto my lips, gently nodding my head. He stares at me for a quick second and nods, bringing his beer up to his lips. He turns his attention up to the band on the stage and I tilt my head forward and look to the side, the wall bare without a body against it.
I fold my pants and set them down on the desk, feeling my eyes droop. I turn to the boom box resting on the nightstand and lean down, pushing the button to the side. The soft beat of Kajagoogoo fills the room and I walk over to the right side of Resa's bed, climbing onto her soft pink satin sheets. I pull the white comforter over me and rest my head against the pillow, a satin pink pillow case covering it. Resa and pink.
"Did you have fun?"
I hear her voice from the hallway. I turn to my left and she walks into the room, her makeup gone and her clothes replaced by a pair of cotton shorts and a white t-shirt.
"Yeah, I did. I thought they were pretty rad."
Resa walks to the lamp on her desk and pulls the small string, the room suddenly dark except for the street lights shining through her window. She walks to her side of the bed and climbs in, pulling the comforter over her. I turn onto my side and she does the same, so we're facing each other.
"BB didn't take his eyes off of you all night. He's got it bad."
I take in a small breath and look down at the sheets between us, a familiar face coming to mind. His blue pale skin. His sharp chiseled jawline. I blink and look back up at Resa.
"I don't like him like that, Resa."
She raises and eyebrow and looks at me, her eyes searching my features for a playful smile. This time it's different though. This time, I'm not gonna smile and act like this is a joke. It's not.
"You're serious?"
She asks, her eyes softening. I take in a deep breath and nod, watching her features fall. She lets out a small sigh and nods, picking at a loose string on her comforter.
"I just thought it would be fun to both be dating best friends, since you and I are best friends."
A small smile pulls at my lips and I chuckle. Oh, Resa.
"I know. Just get rid of Richard and we can find another pair of best friends, hopefully I like one of them."
She scoffs and slaps my shoulder, making me laugh harder. She smiles and I shrug, watching her shake her head.
"I'm not leaving Richard, you know that. I'm happy with him."
Her features fall and she looks down at the space between us, her eyes softening. She's lying to herself, again. Lately, things haven't been the same for Resa and Richard. The fighting has died down between them, but it's not the only thing that's died down. They've died down, too. They hardly kiss each other, they hardly hug each other. In the beginning, they couldn't keep their hands off of each other. But, that was a year ago. It's obvious that things have changed.
"C'mon, let's go to sleep."
She keeps her eyes on the satin sheets between us and nods, moving a little closer to me. She needs me. I move closer and wrap my arms around her, her head resting against my collar bone. She lets out a small sigh and I lean down, resting my cheek against the top of her head.
"Thanks, Sara."
It's quiet; I'm surprised I even heard it.
"I'm here, Resa. Go to sleep."