To Tomoe

A Rurouni Kenshin fanfic by Raberba girl

Summary: From Kaoru

o.o.o

We're not so different, Tomoe-san - it turns out I made the same choice as you in the end.

I thought I could be strong enough to go against my instinct...strong enough to do what he would have wanted. But when it came down to it, there was no thought; no hesitation; no sense of choice. My body moved before I realized what was happening, and even as I flung myself into death's path, there was no fear. No room for horror, or regret, or anger - only peace, because he would be safe.

I know now what your last thoughts were, as you saved him. What I can only imagine is what you must have felt, when you looked into his eyes and saw his tears and realized you had broken his heart. I had told myself I would never do that - that I would choose to live, and let him die in peace. But in the end, I couldn't.

He is so selfish, though. He never understood how my heart would have shattered if he were the one lost, rather than me. I can't imagine what life would be like without him, so many long years without his smile, his strength, his love...

Of all people, I have your brother to thank for sparing us. I have you to thank for watching over us. Enishi's love for you saved my life more than once, and your love for Kenshin brought him back from darkness. Kenshin is finally free - there is true joy in our life together. I pray that your brother will one day find such rest. I would pray that wherever you are now, your spirit has found happiness - except that I know you have. If nothing else, there is the fading scar on his face; but it's also your smile Kenshin saw in his mind, your protection that he felt, your blessing.

Kenshin is so beautiful. You already know, of course - it's in the strength and speed of his sakabatô, the gentle look in his eyes, the soft touch of his hands, his lips. Yet it is so much more than that, which you also know. It leaks out of him, no matter how much he tries to lock himself away; the goodness in him overflows, unable to be contained. Even as just a child, he had compassion on those who were cruel to him. As a boy, he willingly carried the weight of countless lives on his sword. As a man, he nearly killed himself in atonement. He could not live with the stains he saw on his hands, he condemned himself to exile - and even then, he touched so many lives. Untouchable himself, yet he reached to help the wronged and the weak.

I called him selfish, and he is. But so am I. The rurouni set foot in my life, intending oh-so-politely to help and then move on. I wouldn't let him.

I know that you saw it, too, when you met him. You expected a murderer, a remorseless butcher. So did I, when I heard the name Hitokiri Battousai. What we found instead was a man with a kind heart, whose soul wept over the blood his hands had shed.

It was his effortless charm that first caught us, the endearingly bumbling boy who fell flat on his face when he discovered you hadn't run; the soft-spoken man who didn't realize he was supposed to dodge my punch (or perhaps chose not to, now that I think of it). It was his sorrow that drew us in, speaking to the pain in our own hearts - you who lost your beloved, I who lost my parents. It was his need for us that first made us fall in love with him. You were the sheath for his madness, the anchor to his purpose. You showed him what it meant to truly live. He has told me that I am his home. He has become mine.

When he tried to leave me, I was lost. I couldn't let him go... Part of it was that he had taken my heart with him, but part of it was that I knew he would be lost again without me. Kenshin loves people, he was not meant to be rootless, to only touch other lives briefly. He needs family - we all do.

Yahiko and Sanosuke, Megumi-san, Tae-chan and Tsubame-chan, Kenshin and I, we are each other's support. You understand. Your father and your brother loved you so much, they were broken when they lost you. I don't think their hearts will heal until they're a family again. After so long, Kenshin finally learned this, and opened his heart at last. It's no longer a mere thread that holds him to us, so thin that I was terrified it would snap as I clung tighter and tighter. Now the bonds go both ways. He does not fear to reach out for me, to become entangled; he comes to my arms gladly. He does not hold himself at a distance from Yahiko, guiding but never investing. Now he passes his strength on to Yahiko, who can sense it, and flourishes because of it.

Our life together is happy, and I know you are glad that Kenshin has found rest at last. I'm sure you were proud of the man you knew back then, and I know without a doubt that you would be proud of the man he's become.

I wish I could have met you...even now, though, I feel as if I know you. Even though you're no longer with us, it's like our hearts are still connected, and I'm glad. I sensed your smile in the falling flakes of snow. You're my sister and my friend, Tomoe. I love you.

o.o.o

Author's Notes: For those of you who haven't read the manga, this takes place soon after Kaoru is rescued from Enishi's island. There's a manga-only sequence where Kenshin, who's finally beaten Enishi after a long and difficult battle, is shot at by Enishi's discarded minion Woo Heishin. To everyone's utter horror, Kaoru leaps into the bullet's path to save Kenshin, but Enishi manages to disarm Heishin before he can fire the fatal shot. I got the idea for this fic when I was recalling that scene, and Kaoru's earlier conversation with Megumi. Kaoru had stated then that she would not do what Tomoe did; she would choose to live, because dying for Kenshin's sake would only make him suffer again. Yet in the end, Kaoru jumps to save him with her own life, anyway! Just like Tomoe! I wanted to explore that further.

I wrote this during a graduation ceremony back in May...can't be 2003, so it's probably 2007, but looking at my publish/update dates, the one that makes more sense is 2009. Whatever. In any case, it was a LONG time ago, when I was hurting from the KK vs. KT stupidity in this fandom. (Well, I'm still hurting from that, actually; it's one of the reasons why I'm leaving.) The story sat incomplete on my flash drive for all these years, and now that I'm giving up writing for RuroKen, I dug out this draft to see if I could tack on a few lines of closure and finally actually post it. (LOL, figures I'd have to end it on a Kingdom Hearts note, hahahahaha. XD)

I really HATE how this fic turned out, all the rambling is kind of disgusting to me now and I wanted to delete it, but whatever; I'm just gonna leave it as it is and write off this story as one of my stupider fics. Man, not a single one of my RK fics has made it onto my "Fics of Mine That I Actually Like" list (except the "Cheat" theme from Unlost, heh - ponies FTW!). There's an FB fic from seven years ago that I was shocked to find I still enjoyed upon re-reading, but all my RK crap seems to get worse with age. -.-