Long ago, well not that long ago actually. There used to be a little girl who would sneak out of bed every night. Unlike most little girls- who'd probably only sneak out of bed to play with her dolls in secret or sneak downstairs to watch Telly - she would tip toe past her mother and daddy's room; careful not to wake them up of course. Then cracking open the window at the end of the hallway, she'd climb out and scurry up the pipe to the roof. To simply look up at the stars.
The simplicity of the act brought to her an emotion she couldn't place. An emotion she could only ever feel when she was up on the roof.
When she was up there, and the moon was full or sometimes when it would rain and she'd develop a sniff she felt oddly...normal. As if her world wasn't so confusing anymore.
Penelope, or Penny to her mother and daddy you see was not like other girls. Sure she was the average height and weight for a 7 year old, had perfectly normal curly black hair which framed her light brown skin perfectly and went to ballet every Saturday. Just believe me when I say.
That nothing about Penelope Sharpe was or would ever be normal.
At just the age of five Penelope developed an extreme emotional detachment disorder, it disenabled her to feel any basic human emotion the way normal people should. The disorder would develop further according to the doctors if not treated correctly.
5
At such a young age there was only so much her parents could think of doing to help their childs problems. So they decided therapy would be the best option. Before she knew it she was seeing a strange woman everyday after school.
The woman had beautiful blonde hair which came just past her shoulders, a round face to which she would cake in makeup and tacky red lipstick, patronising blue eyes and Penny disliked her. Rather strongly.
When they'd sit and talk about her day the woman would look at her in a way which read. 'I personally don't give a shit' and after Penny answered her in what she made sure was yes and no answers, the woman; Vicki.
Smiled and told her to go play with the toys while she went outside to go play with hers.
Which actually meant the woman was outside talking to her boyfriend Trevor on the phone and destroying her lungs with the toxic drug Penny identified as a cigarette.
She didn't tell her mum about Vicki's habits of course. for if she did Vicki said she'd tell her parents she was damaged and for some reason Penny didn't like the sound of that.
"I won't tell."Penny promised.
11
She really never did. Six years passed since her diagnosis;now being 11 she'd definitely worsened. Her mood was all over the place- it got even worse when she was diagnosed with damaged canals in her ears and was told without hearing aids she wouldn't be able to hear anything clearly by her Otolaryngologist. In the next months she was erratic, She'd either care about something with a ferocity her parents couldn't take or would shut her self away from feelings completely which her parents couldn't take either. Her life was like a constant roller coaster, with bends and sharp turns no one expected.
"Penny, please come out of there." her mother gently knocked on the door holding the girls pills.
"NO! What part of it don't you understand! N-O spells No!" The sound of the lamp being thrown across the room and at the door caused the woman to jump back in fear.
"Penny p-please, your father is very unwell and he d-doesn't need this right now." Her mothers voice cracked every so often betraying her calm posture, this wasn't the first time Penelope had acted out against the house when she felt an emotion she couldn't handle.
"Then go tend to him mother!" Penny spat stopping her rampage to address the annoyance beyond her door.
"Then when you've finished pretending to care you can go and fuck off with my ballet teacher, oh wait sorry no you've finished with him haven't you, must be the guy from that yoga class you've been taking!" The girls exposing rant caused the woman to gasp in horror. Without a second thought she reacted.
"How on earth did you know all that!" She demanded then listened to the menacing chuckling from inside the room, awaiting an answer.
"Oh please, what else could make you of all people bother to slap on a bit of makeup and wear those tight yoga pants which shows off your flabby butt for all the unfortunate to see! Tell me mother are white men not enough for you anymore? Or is it that you have a special spot for the Latinos?" Penelope's mother decided enough was enough. Opening the doors she dodged the book which had been flung at her head and ignored the protest from her child, slapping her sharply across the cheek.
Penelope had her head kept in the position her mother had put it in. Without a noise she raised her small hand to her ear and touched it gingerly, the nuisance had hit her right on the blasted thing. When she felt the pain from the touch, her anger fell from her completely replaced with a numbing feeling.
"Penelope I'm so-so sorry my darling I'm so-" said girl pushed her way out of her mothers arms softly, ignoring her apology.
"You can get out now." Her response was so cold it earned a hesitant reaction from her mother. "Daddies awake." Then without another word the girl shoved her mother out of the room, took her pills then shut the wooden door silently.
Christine Sharpe had experienced something very near to fear that afternoon.
And that fear would stay with her for longer than she'd like to imagine.
13
She stares at him from her space in the church. She's in the front row and her mother is crying whilst watching the man Penelope once knew as her father.
The man is dressed in a black suit and tie, she recongises it as the one he wore on his wedding day. What she doesn't recongise is the expression on his face. He's not smiling like he always does and it makes her feel weird, well weirder than normal.
Her father's lying in a coffin. It's a simple wooden one with flowers decorated around him and it makes the girl smile.
Daddy loved Tulips.
Penelopes eyes meet that of a older lady who is glaring at her smile. Without fuss she drops it, realising that's considered abnormal behaviour, especially when one is at a funeral.
Her daddy died three days ago from a heart attack at the age of 42 and she's smiling at his funeral. Penny felt the sudden urge to fake her emotions but thought better of it when her mother wailed at something the man speaking said. Penny couldn't understand why her mother was crying so much if all she ever did was hurt the man.
All those men she'd slept with had been either known by or close to her daddy and now he's lying in a wooden box while her mother cries next to her.
Penelope decided she hated the world on that day. A fact she'd known for forever but had never truly acknowledged. Penelope knew better now, emotions would get one nowhere. It was better to be cold.
Cold kept one focused.
Images of stars and the moon came to mind when she thought of her cold spots and she had to resist the urge to smile that time.
17
Turns out she should have left home a lot earlier, with her mother finally testing the limitations of her disorder, penelope decided to get the hell out of the crummy flat they'd had to live in for the past few months after her mothers gambling addiction precipitated the loss of her beloved family home.
Her grandmother on her fathers side had decided to welcome her with loving arms, moving all her stuff to the apartment she had in London.
Penelope found this lifestyle more befitting as her grandmother was fortunately doing well financially. To put it into blunted terms her nanny was filthy rich and not a bitch. Plus the fairly old lady treated her as a human being with a few more baggage rather than a robot.
Currently Penny sat down on the floor as her nanny straightened her black curls behind her. They had engaged in conversation sometime ago but had stopped when Penny had decided she didn't have anything to say anymore.
"A girl called me a bitch today at school." Penelope had unexpectedly spoke without encouragement and the grandmother nodded dragging the device over hair, then smiled.
"What did you do about it?"
"I told her the bitch has claws and could cut her pretty little face with them." The comment earned the girl a famous cackle causing her to slightly upturn her lips.
"That sounds like you. Oh dear will I have to see the headteacher about such...behaviour."
"No, thankfully the girl got the message and fucked off with her friends." Nanny nodded approvingly.
"Good sweetheart, you handled that situation very appropriately. Your father would be proud." Penny nodded slowly not sure how to react about the mentioning of her father. Nanny hardly ever did it, so instead she changed the subject.
"How much more to go?" Nanny frowned at the sudden change in topic but soon she went along with the girls decision and started lightly tugging the straightener over the last pieces.
"hmm about 2,000 strands of hair to go and we should be done." She joked loving the fact that Penny scoffed in response.
"Nanny!"
"I'm only pulling your leg dear, your already done. Take a look in the mirror then put on your dress we're going to be late to the dinner reservation if you don't hurry." Penelope rolled her eyes at her nanny's almost warning.
"I still don't understand why I have to meet this new boyfriend of yours, I mean it's not like I'm going to make a good impression on him." The older of the two smiled then stood from her space on the white couch sauntering over to her granddaughter.
"It's because at least one of us has to keep this apartment moderately dirty and seeing as your not bringing any men home, it's going to have to be my job." The girl grimaced staring at her reflection in the mirror above the fireplace.
"Not really my thing, far too emotional." The older woman smiled then pulled out a necklace from a jewellery box she kept above the fire.
"Well are diamonds your thing." Penelope smiled deviously.
"Which one gave you this?"
"His name was Pierre. He was French and highly talented." Both ladies looked at one another then burst out laughing.
"It feels good to find something funny." Penny smiled glancing at her older.
"Yes well, pills will do that to you. I'm just happy your out of that room and not reading that blog. What's it called again?" Nanny clicked her fingers as if the action could boost her memory.
"30 different types of tobacco ash analysis." The woman shook her head and laughed pinching the girls cheeks while giving her the necklace.
"You are the most eccentric person I know sweetheart, never lose that." Penelope gave her a grin that didn't meet her eyes and watched as the woman went off with the excuse of getting ready.
Now, being alone. Penny dropped the smile and glared at the mirror.
Eccentric, she wonders what her nanny meant by that. Clearly another word for weird yes but what did she mean by never lose that. Was it alright to be weird or was it only acceptable when she controlled it.
Seeing no point in becoming fixated in the thought she put the necklace around her neck and put on a smile.
The extra pill she'd managed to smuggle into her bra would help her get through dinner.
26
Smack!
Smack!
Smack!
Penny smacked her head repeatedly as she slumped into her chair.
"Stop doing that Penny dear, you'll give yourself a concussion."
"That wouldn't be so bad actually, are you sure I couldn't have one more?" Penny even made the attempt to give her nanny's boyfriend the puppy dog eyes, to which the man responded with a role of the eyes.
"Oh come on Sebastian, I'd give you one!" He rustled his paper and nodded.
"I don't doubt that for a second dear." Penny groaned.
"Useless!" She screeched and banged her head on the chairs armrest.
"Don't yell at Sebastian Spock. You might just scare him off and stop bamging your head, do you want your hearing to get worse." Nanny at last
"Nanny! More pills please!" She smiled smugly when Sebastian looked at her only to frown again when Nanny denied her request.
"What do you mean no!"
"You've already had three today love, that's your limit." Nanny reminded but the girls frown only turned more vex.
"Who's idea was that!" she exclaimed exasperated.
"Yours!" The couple simultaneously reminded her. Penny rolled her eyes.
"Right."
"Look spock you know I love having you here, but when are you going to go off into your own space. I would have thought by now you'd want to explore the world and settle down away from your old Nanny." The girls brows furrowed.
"Why would I want to do that? I like it here." The couple before Penelope gave each other a secret look and it was Sebastian who spoke next.
"We just want what's best for you sweetheart, plus me and your Nanny were thinking of going to the Netherlands to live."
"For how long, you're not getting married are you?" The girl questions puzzled and completely clueless to what the adults implied.
"Actually Penny, we want to go live there permanently." Boom! bombshell dropped, the gears in Penelope's head started turning.
"You want to go to the Netherlands together without me." Her reaction of course was clipped and she barely moved a brow.
"Well yes but-" Penelope kindly cut her Nanny off.
"It's alright Nanny, you've done all you can for me, I'm fine with your decision I hope you two are highly successful when it comes to the new environment."
"Really!" Penny gave her an obvious look.
"Of course I'll need some financial aid until I can become stable on my own I'm afraid."
"Oh dear of course, I'm giving you a small fortune to survive off until you get to your feet." She drew the girl In for a hug. "I'll miss you loads hun!"
"Yeah, yeah. Alright that's enough." Nanny got off of her apologetically.
Hugs made Penny uncomfortable as she couldn't quite yet understand how they were remotely important.
"Shall we go and pack Sebby?" Nanny grinned suggestively and Penny scoffed leaving the room immediately.
Where the hell was she gonna find a place to live in London that she actually liked. With people she actually liked!
Penelope, alone, surrounded by, strangers. The thought made her grimace.
NO.
SHE COULD DO THIS!
Right?