Modernized
Okay, now I'm officially addicted to the meaningless babble that are "crackfics."
When I show up in rehab everyone will laugh at me. D:
Day one, our main family, the Trojans, get a dinner invitation to Menelaus' house. Priam is skeptic, and therefore stays home, instead sending his favored sons, Hector and Paris. (They have better booze at home, anyway, he reasons)
Day two, the night of the gathering. Hector is stuck with a bunch of drunken guests when Menelaus gets called to work. He's a lawyer. The bad, scumbag kind. While he's gone, Paris and Helen, Menelaus' wife, end up in the bedroom, doing what else, fucking. After some serious nookie, they drunkenly decide to "be together." What this entails, we hopefully will never have to know.
As the new-formed couple is making their way out the door, Menelaus shows up and, enraged, shoots them both in the back with his semi-automatic and they fall, dead as birds that have been shot, fall through the sky, get caught on some branches but are pecked at by the other birds and then hit a bunch of rocks on their way back down to solid ground. Whoo-hoo. When Hector comes out to see what's happened along with the rest of the party, he moves his brother's body off the sidewalk with his foot and starts on his way home.
Helen's daughter, Hermione, though, doesn't have the same luxury. She grows up repressing the circumstances of her mother's death and the fact that she had been hiding in the closet while her mother and Paris had been doing the dirty and ends up murdering her father, Menelaus, by some sadistic ritualistic thing that we haven't though a name up for yet. Thus Agamemnon went after her, because apparently in his mind "women are inferior," and she killed him, too. Priam was next, because he lived next door and it was found that he'd accidentally killed her cat when she was little and let her blame it on her dear Uncle Agamemnon. She stabbed him with a steak knife that magically appeared in thin air. Poor Odysseus never even saw it coming, but Hermione killed him too. For no other reason than she just couldn't stand ever reading the Iliad again in school. Patroclus...well, he dies by a falling platform, but Hermione was really aiming for Achilles and Briseis, which she had decided were too pretty to be together. And then she took up Satanism and brought back Helen and Paris only to kill them again. For your sake, we've edited what exactly she did to them out of the story so that we don't get sued when you have bad dreams. So pretty much everyone was killed off...
Except Hector, Andromache, and their son, Astyanax. Not some other random name, including Scmander, Sxmander, Scamandrium or any other kind of stupid nickname fan fiction writers cannot spell correctly. A S T Y A N A X. Who did not die by being thrown off of a very high wall. These three lived happily after ever, as well as Hecuba, who was jubilant that she had such a cute grandson and wasn't forced to be a sex slave for some random Greek we for the life of us can't remember the name of. Iphigenia was, thankfully, never sacrificed to the gods and went to college, but married beneath her due to her serious mistrust in gorgeous, successful men.
And as for Oenone, Paris' fiancee, she has a little thing called a voodoo doll that she pokes every once in a while for…therapeutic purposes.
Meanwhile, in hell, Paris rubs his sore behind. "DAMMIT SHE'S GONE FOR MY ASS AGAIN!"
"Oh, shut that hole in your face, Paris."
Okay, so I was kinda sloshed when this was written. Whatev.
---theend---