Steel: Whoo-hoo! Back again!
Shikoku: And not for the first time, or was it last time. -confuseded look-
Steel: Who cares? No one reads this part anyway.
Shikoku: True, true.. Then they're surprised when our story offends them.
Steel: Yes! For if they read this part, they'd know that this story will more than likely offend ALL Mamoru Chiba fans, and maybe some Usagi Tsukino fans as well..
Shikoku: And even a few Chibi-Usa fans for good measure.
Steel: Yeah, her too, but we don't really care about her much.
Shikoku: Obviously.
Steel: But then, we really don't care about Mamoru either..
Shikoku: Obviously.
Steel: Oh well, enough babble. On with the story!!
Shikoku: Not for people who have sensitive stomachs.
Steel: Or for the under-aged!
Shikoku: Characters owned by Naoko Takeuchi... sorry about this.
Steel: We hope you never read our stories.
Shikoku: End intro?
Steel: Yes!
----------
We Never Said We Liked Mamoru
----------
For White Day, Mamoru decided to take Usagi on a vacation. He had everything planned out, booked a hotel and even bought the tickets.
Now, to tell his girlfriend.
But he had THAT planned out too. "Hey Usako, let's go on vacation, I already got everything worked out." he said to her one afternoon while putting his clothes back on.
"Ooooooo! Mamo-chan! Really? A Romantic Trip for just the two of us??" Usagi squealed, still under the covers.
"Plane leaves tomorrow at ten. I'll be by to pick you up at eight." He zipped his pants up and went searching for his shirt.
"Where are we going? Paris? Rome? London?"
"America."
Usagi's face fell. "America? But Mamo-chan, I don't want to get shot!"
Mamoru frowned. "It's not that bad. I spent my first two years at UCLA, remember?" 'Now I can scout out a few schools for my Masters.' He smiled dashingly at his concept of multitasking.
Usagi still wasn't too sure. She'd heard some pretty hokey things about America. "I don't even speak English well.." she whimpered.
"Don't worry, some of the people who live there don't speak English well, and they do just fine." He wondered if he should try Harvard, or if he was more of a Stanford man. Or was he even East Coast Ivy League? Maybe he'd better stay with the West Coast. Ah well, this trip will help him decide.
"Of course, the ones who don't speak English, DO speak Spanish..." Ah HA! THERE was his shirt. He crawled out from under the bed with it. "But you occasionally run into an American Otaku and their Japanese is pretty good. Don't worry though, we'll stop in Little Tokyo for you." He was proud of thinking about his girlfriend's concerns.
And she was wavering. "Well... okay.." At least he was finally taking her with him to America, she reasoned. She then broke into a wonderful fantasy where her parents let her move to America with him and they started a family and lived happily ever after.
"Great!" Mamoru said. "See you tomorrow, Usako." Then he climbed out her bedroom window, turned into Tuxedo Kamen, and jumped away, back to his apartment.
Usagi sighed blissfully. "He's so romantic!" He'd even remembered the condom this time!
Usagi jumped up and immediately started packing. Good thing by this point in the series, her parents had disappeared so she didn't have to ask them for permission to go. AND it was a good thing that monsters were no longer threatening the city.
But she wasn't too concerned about that part, she knew the other Senshi could handle them. Oh wait, maybe she should call them and tell them where she's going. So she dropped everything right then and there and rang up the first Senshi who came to mind.
"What do you want?" Rei grumbled.
"Rei!Mamochan'stakingmetoAmericaonvacation,canyoubelieveit?We'releavingtomorrowmorning!Oh,I'msoexcitedIjustcouldn'twaittotellsomeone!!" Usagi babbled into the receiver, all in one breath.
It took a second for Rei to process this, but she was used to Usagi by this point. So she DID eventually understand what her princess said: "America? I hope you don't get shot."
"Mamo-chan says it's not that bad." But Usagi didn't sound so sure.
"I'd wear a bulletproof vest, just to be sure." Usagi sweat dropped. Where was she supposed to get a bulletproof vest? "But I am glad Mamoru is finally taking you somewhere. It's about time."
After taking with Rei, Usagi called Makoto and Minako, who in our world, live together. It took a while for them to answer. Eventually she ended up calling Minako's cell phone. When the blonde finally answered, Usagi thought she could hear a shower running.
"Hello? Usagi?" Minako was breathing fairly heavy. "I'm.. in the middle… of something, can I call you back?"
"Mamo-chan's taking me to America!" Usagi rushed in before Minako could hang up on her.
There was a pause. "America? I hope you don't get shot." Then Usagi thought she heard a scream. It sounded like Makoto. "Damn! I missed it! I'll call you back!" And Usagi was listening to dial tone.
She sweatdropped for a second, then called Ami.
Ami was the only NORMAL one.
"Ami-chan! You'll never believe where Mamo-chan is taking me!" She gushed the moment her blue-haired friend answered.
"Where?" Ami had learned that any guess she might make, would probably be wrong, and hurt Usagi's feelings somehow.
By this point Usagi was afraid to tell anyone. "America?"
There was silence. "I know where you can get a bulletproof vest."
Not Ami, too! "But Mamoru said it isn't THAT dangerous there!"
"Better safe than sorry." Ami replied.
Usagi sighed, and then asked where she could get a bulletproof vest. "It's 'www dot bulletproofme dot com'. Or 'E-Bay'." So Usagi got on the web, and bought a bulletproof vest.
The things were damned expensive, especially with the overnight delivery charge. "This vacation better be romantic, damn it." She'd just wiped out her entire savings.
So in a slightly bad mood, she finished packing and completely forgot to call the Outers. Oh, well, they were used to being left out of everything. They were probably too busy having sex anyway.
Anywho, Usagi stayed up till three am packing. She never WAS very good at making choices. Or packing 'light'. Besides Mamoru didn't tell her how long they were staying.
So when he showed up, it was to a bleary-eyed Usagi standing next to a mountain of luggage. Mamoru was taken aback. "Usako?" How did she know they were staying for a month? And where was he going PUT all that baggage? He hadn't brought a trailer.
"I didn't know what to bring, so I packed everything." She smiled shyly at him.
"I see.." THIS was going to be complicated. So suffice to say that they struggled with the baggage all the way to airport, then let the airlines deal with it.
Poor airlines. They were going to have to use a separate plane just for the bags.
But Usagi didn't care. By this point she remembered she was deathly afraid of flying. Though not as bad as Makoto. Still, she clung to Mamoru in fright. Even when they were sitting in the terminal.
"WAAAAAAHHHHH!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!!!!"
"Usako.." Mamoru sweatdropped. "We're still in the airport."
"So? We can die ANYWHERE!"
Mamoru closed his eyes. 'Tight ass, tight ass, tight ass..' he thought the mantra he used when Usagi got.. trying.
To make a long story short, they didn't die in the airport.. or during the flight.. or when they landed.. But they were nearly killed leaving the airport in LA when, asked if she had anything to declare, Usagi spouted: "Please don't shoot me!"
The security only sighed. Damn foreigners. But being American, they decided to shoot at her, just in case. After frisking her, of course. Slowly… and thoroughly… She was just starting to 'warm up' to these Americans, then they shot at her. Screeching, the blonde fled to baggage claim where Mamoru was swamped in suitcases.
The airport only lost half of them.
Good thing she'd packed every piece of clothing she owned. The rest was in Guadalajara, being used by some underprivileged, and under aged, prostitutes.
She jumped on Mamoru and clutched onto him in a nonsexual manner. "They're already shooting at me!"
"Well, considering what you said at the declaration station, I'm not surprised." he replied. "C'mon, we need to pick up the rental car." They had to pick up a rental moving van to move all the luggage. Afterwards, Mamoru ditched it for a sleek, hot rod convertible. After they found their hotel anyway.
"Wow, American drivers sure are angry." Usagi commented after meeting one too many swearing people who 'flipped the bird' at them.
Mamoru sighed, exhausted after the drive. At least they already knew where they were staying. Usagi talked INCESSANTLY. EVERYTHING was amazing to her. It was as if she'd never seen people in string bikinis before. Frankly, she was already getting on his nerves, and they haven't even checked in yet. He'd better have sex with her soon, he was forgetting why he liked her so much.
She 'ooh'ed and 'ahh'ed over the Comfort Inn they were staying at. She'd never seen palm trees INSIDE before. "..and they're REAL!" she gushed to him, unashamedly feeling up a frond.
"Yes, yes they are." Mamoru sighed. The rest of what she said, he ignored, in favor of chatting with the cute clerk.
Usagi then 'ooh'ed and 'ahh'ed over their room, bounced on the bed, then squealed over the standard fridge AND microwave. "It's really like an apartment!" Usagi squealed. Again. "I feel so domesticated!"
Mamoru came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. "Hey, let's fool around." he rumbled in her ear.
"Wow, like a honeymoon?"
He blinked. "Yeah, ok." He picked her up, and as she giggled, he tossed her onto the bed, then started taking off his pants.
She laid there, admiring his abs. Then his rock hard 'Little Mamo'. Meanwhile, he was stripping her clothes off like he was opening a present. And just as quickly. Soon they were doing the deed. Then it was over, and Mamoru was asleep.
Usagi sighed. He always fell asleep before they could cuddle. So she did what she always did, snuggle against his back and try to sleep too.
----------
When she woke up the next morning, he was gone.
'Gone to meet up with some friends from UCLA, be back tonight. Love Mamoru' said the note he left.
Usagi slumped down. He'd ditched her! And didn't leave her any food! She was going to starve! Wait! Room service! She dashed to the phone and pressed the button for the Front Desk.
"How can I help you?" The perky ENGLISH-speaking receptionist asked.
Usagi thought for a moment, desperately trying to remember what her English teacher had taught her. "I.. want.. food." She hoped she conjugated the verb properly.
"Okay, what kind of food would you like?"
"Miso!"
"I'm sorry, we don't have Miso. We do have a lovely chicken noodle, however."
Usagi didn't understand that. She cursed herself for falling asleep during her English class. Then she tried to think of American foods. "Chizu baga?"
There was a moment of silence. "Cheeseburger?"
"Yes!" Usagi was happy to get her idea across.
"Alright then, one cheeseburger." The receptionist sounded even more perky, now that they were communicating. "Would you like fries with that?" Then she silently cursed herself for reverting to her old job monolog.
Usagi was getting tired from all this English speaking. "Oh-kei!" she said, willing to agree to anything at this point.
"We'll send your order right up. Would you like to charge this to your room?"
"Oh-kei!"
"Alright then. Have a nice day." And the woman hung up.
Usagi hoped she didn't just promise this woman her firstborn child. She suspected Chibi-Usa wouldn't like that.
Sighing, she turned on the television. Then realized everything was in English. WITHOUT subtitles. "WAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!"
The only thing left to her was sleep. Good thing it was her hobby. She was going to give Mamoru a piece of her mind when he came home.
Fourteen hours later.
She threw a lamp at him the moment he came through the door.
Surprised, he dodged and it crashed against the wall. "Usako!" he exclaimed, shocked. "We'll have to pay for that!"
"Why did you leave me alone all day??"
"I told you I was going to see some friends!" he replied, mentally counting up the price of the lamp.
Her eyes started watering up. "But.. but.. this is our honeymoon!"
"We're not married Usagi!"
"WAAAAAHHH!!! But this is OUR vacation!"
"You were asleep, I figured you'd be jetlagged and I didn't wanna wake you!" He was beginning to regret coming back. Too late, she just sat there and cried. Mamoru sighed and did his boyfriendly duty and hugged her in his arms. Then had sex with her.
That brightened her up.
Then he fell asleep.
But she was happy now. She didn't even care that she couldn't understand the TV show she was watching. She just KNEW tomorrow was going to be when the date started!
----------
Until she found herself walking across the commons of a college in San Francisco. Alone. "Why am I here?" she muttered to herself, and not for the first time.
She wondered where the day had gone wrong. She'd gotten up early (to make sure he didn't leave without her again) and had ordered breakfast-in-bed for them. Cheeseburgers weren't a normal breakfast item (or so Mamoru had informed her) but they'd been filling at least.
Then he'd said he had to do a small errand. The 'small errand' had turned out to be a visit to a collage she couldn't even pronounce the name of. And upon arrival, he'd promptly ditched her to spend the day with a campus tour group.
Usagi was starting to think that Mamoru wasn't being very nice to her.. and that he had ulterior motives for coming to America. She sighed, found a bench, and called her friends long distance. The first to come to mind was:
"What do you want?" Rei huffed. It was four in morning.
"REI-CHAN!!! Mamo-chan is being a jerk!!!"
The priestess had to hold the phone away from her ear. "Usagi, calm down! HOW is he being a jerk?"
"He dragged me to America just so he can ditch me to go on college interviews!"
"Ow, that sucks." For Rei, this was sympathetic.
"What should I do??"
"Fill out applications?"
Usagi blinked. "Rei-chan, you lost me."
Rei sighed. "You're stuck at colleges, you might as well look them over! I hear America has some pretty good programs." Sometimes Usagi could be as dumb as a box of rocks.
"But- but.. I haven't even graduated from high school yet!"
"Never too early to start looking, Usagi."
The blonde pouted. This is NOT what she wanted to hear. "Rei-chan, I don't want to live in America!"
"Do you want to be with Mamoru?" Rei asked. She was tired, she was cranky, she just wanted Usagi to shut the hell up.
"YES!!"
"And just WHERE is it, that he wants to go to school?" Rei rubbed one hand over her face and seriously considered changing her number.
"Uhhhh…" Usagi was never good at tests.
Rei sighed. Loudly. "AMERICA." she answered for her ditzy friend.
Usagi blinked. "He is?"
That was it. Rei was hanging up. "Usagi, just fill out the damn applications!" And she slammed down the receiver, pulled the cord from the wall, then curled back up in bed.
Usagi stared at her phone. Why was Rei always so cranky? She decided to call Minako and Makoto to ask their opinion.
It took several minutes before she finally heard Makoto's groggy voice over the phone. "Hello?"
"Mako-chan?"
"Usagi? It's four in the morning! What do you want?"
"I need your advice! Mamoru dragged me to America, and now he's ignoring me!" She was sure Makoto would be able to help her, unlike Meanie-Head Rei.
There was silence for a moment. "You're in America?" Makoto asked, sounding confused. "When did you go to America?" Another pause. "I hope you don't get shot."
"I only got shot at once so far, and they missed." Usagi sighed. "I told Mina-chan I was going."
"Oi, Mina-chan!" Makoto nudged the blonde awake. "Did you know Usagi was in America?"
Minako only grunted and shrugged off Makoto's hand. She curled up deeper into the blankets so only her blonde hair stuck out. "Well it's news to me." Makoto informed Usagi. "So what do you want?"
"What should I do? Mamoru is too busy checking out colleges to pay any attention to me!"
There was another long pause in which she wondered if Makoto had fallen asleep on her. "Fill out applications." the brunette suggested.
Usagi blinked. "What?" Was Makoto channeling Rei?
"If you wanna be with Mamoru and he's going to school in America, then you should too! Now, I'm hanging up, goodbye Usagi." And with a click, the line went dead.
Usagi sighed despondently, and rang Ami.
Ami answered promptly. "Yes?"
"Ami-chan! It's Usagi! I've got a big problem! Mamoru isn't paying any attention to me! He's spending all his time looking at colleges, what should I do?!" Next time she was calling Ami FIRST.
"I'd think you'd fit in well at UCLA. They have a very active student life."
Usagi blinked. "What?"
"I always thought you'd make a good valley girl."
That only confused Usagi more. "What's a 'valley girl'?"
Ami sighed. She'd prefer to go back to her early morning cram session, than try to explain something to Usagi. "Forget it Usagi-chan. It was a '90s term anyway." Ami replied patiently. "Look, just try to enjoy yourself as best you can. Fill out a few applications, take the campus tour, meet some students. Just don't get yourself shot, ok? You ARE wearing that bulletproof vest aren't you?"
"Yes, I am!" Usagi answered, rather proud of herself.
"Good. Don't want you getting yourself shot, now, do we?" Ami smiled into the receiver, glad she'd been able to save a friend's life. "Now, go to the cafeteria, order yourself something good, and I'll talk to you later, ok?"
"Thanks, Ami-chan!" Usagi was crying tears of joy.
"What're friends for?" Ami asked with a smile, before hanging up.
Fueled by Ami's pep talk, Usagi walked determinedly to the cafeteria. Stared the lady-in-the-hairnet directly in the face... and promptly realized she still couldn't speak English.
"Chizu baga?"
The lady looked at her a moment. "Cheeseburger?" she asked finally. "You want fries with that?"
"Oh-kei!" She took her cheeseburger and fries and found a nearly empty table at which to sit and enjoy them.
"Hey! You're supposed to pay for that!" the cafeteria lady shouted after her.
Usagi turned back around, her face pale. She only had yen in her pocket. The cafeteria lady pulled out a rifle and started shooting at her. Usagi threw all the yen she had at the lady, before running from the building, clutching her food while screaming.
She hid behind a planter, and clutched her cheeseburger and fries to her chest. There she ate like a frightened squirrel, then dashed off, hoping to run into Mamoru by some freak accident.
She had trouble finding him in the crowd. Why did everybody in America have to be so gigantic? And they all looked the same, damnit! Finally she managed to spot her boyfriend chatting with a man (who happened to be the Dean of the school, but she didn't know that).
"MAMO-CHAAAAAAAANN!!" she cried, flinging herself at him.
"Usako?" Mamoru almost fell over. "What happened? What's wrong?" His girlfriend was bawling all over his shirtfront.
"The cafeteria lady tried to kill me!"
Mamoru sighed. "What'd you do?"
"I think I was supposed to pay.. but I didn't have any money."
By this point, the Dean sneaked away.
"Oh Usako, why didn't you wait for me to come find you?"
"I called Ami-chan and she said I should go to the cafeteria and find something to eat." Usagi sniffed.
"Well next time, let's go together, ok?" Mamoru was proud of how nice and understanding he was being with her.
"Oh-kei." Usagi sighed.
"There now." Mamoru soothed, glad he could placate her. "Let's go have something to eat, alright?" And he began leading her back to the cafeteria.
"But I already ate." Usagi was not going back in there.
Mamoru frowned. "But I thought you said you didn't have any money."
"Heh heh heh, I kind of ate anyway." Usagi said, sheepishly.
Her boyfriend sighed. "Then we HAVE to back and pay for it." He took hold of her arm and dragged her back before the cafeteria lady.
She reloaded her gun the moment she saw Usagi.
Usagi hid behind Mamoru. "How much does she owe?" he asked in heavily accented English, pulling out his wallet.
The lady might not have understood what he said, but EVERY American understands a full wallet. "$5.95. And she forgot her drink." The cafeteria lady put down the gun and plopped a regular sized Coke on the counter.
Mamoru paid her and ordered himself a meal, though it was definitely NOT a cheeseburger, breakfast was enough thank-you-very-much.
They found themselves a nice, quite, out-of-the-way spot and had lunch together. For the first time since the hotel, Usagi actually enjoyed herself on this trip. And when she was happy, Usagi babbled. And when Usagi babbled, Mamoru tried not to scream.
'Tight ass, tight ass, tight ass...' He envisioned himself sliding into her hot, tight body, and ignored what she was saying.
Thinking of sex with Usagi is good for what ails you, especially when she's talking. So lunch was rather pleasant for him.
As well as for Usagi, that is, until Mamoru decided he needed to find the Dean again so they could finish their conversation. "But Mamo-CHAAAAANNNN!!" she wailed. "I thought we were gunna spend the day together!!"
"Tomorrow, Usako, I promise." He waved her off, then followed the Dean into his office.
"What am I suppose so do NOW-OW?!" she pouted, crossing her arms. She thought back on her friend's advice, and decided to try the filling-out-applications-thing. But where to get one? Hmmm.. Bet the girls didn't think about THAT now, did they??
So she stomped off in search of... what, she wasn't exactly sure, but she was gunna find it, or die trying!
----------
Hours later, Mamoru found her still wandering the campus, now talking to herself, loudly, and not caring if anyone heard her. "Usako?" Mamoru wondered if she had finally snapped.
"Not now Mamo-chan, I'm looking for applications!" she informed him, pushing past.
That stopped him in his tracks. "Applications?? You? What for?"
"So I can apply, duh!" Wasn't it obvious?
"But.. you're still in high school!" 'And have a lousy chance of actually graduating from there,' he didn't add.
"Rei said it's never to early to start looking!"
"But why would you want to go to school here?"
"Because this's where YOU'RE going, isn't it?" Mamoru stopped dead. She was on to him! He wondered what gave him away. "The girls all said you were." Usagi said crossly, now realizing for sure it was true.
"Usako.." he said, in a 'there there, don't get your temper up' manner. He held his arms out to her. "it's not for sure if I'm going here, I still haven't decided. There's no need for you to fill out any applications, I still have several other schools to look at yet."
"What other schools?" Usagi asked suspiciously.
Mamoru blinked. "Other colleges, in other states."
"States?"
"Uhm.. yeah.. There's more to America than just California you know."
Usagi exploded. "Mamo-chan, are you planning on dragging me from state to state, just so you can check out colleges??"
Mamoru winced. "Yes?"
"Why did you have to drag me along with you?"
He shrugged helplessly. "I... just thought you'd like to..." He thought fast. "..to spend some time alone! Yeah, that's it! Quality alone time!" He grinned.
But she wasn't buying it. "How are we going to spend quality time alone, when you're busy touring campuses and talking to teachers?"
"I wasn't planning on doing that the WHOLE trip!" Mamoru retorted, indignant. "Take tomorrow for instance, I was gunna spend the WHOLE day with YOU. But now I'm not sure I want to, seeings as how you're being so GRUMPY and all.."
Suddenly she was 'Cute Usagi', again. "I'm sorry Mamo-chan! I WANT to go on a date with you!" she said, looking all cute, with big sparkly eyes.
"Well.. I don't know..."
"Please please please!!!"
He pretended to relent. "Oh, alright. But only because you asked nicely." He hugged her to him. "Now don't let this happen again, alright? No more thinking I'm ditching you?"
"Mm-hm!" she nodded, already mentally planning on what she was going to wear for their date. She wondered where Mamoru was going to take her.
"Ok then. Now, I'm going to want you up and ready by eight, ok?" He was leading her back to their rental car.
"Oh-kei!!"
----------
The next morning, Usagi got up early and spent hours trying to decide what to wear for her date, while Mamoru snored in bed. Finally she chose the cutest little dress she had been saving, for just such a special occasion. Then spent even longer getting her make-up 'just right'.
For Mamoru's part, he was finally sitting up in bed and blinking sleepily. He yawned hugely, burped and scratched himself.
"What do you think, Mamo-chan?" Usagi asked, twirling for him.
He looked blearily at her a moment, then rubbed his eyes and got up. "You look hot." he informed her, then smacked her on the behind and headed for the shower.
She giggled He said the sweetest things! She sat down on the bed and waited for him to get out of the shower. She smiled when she heard his off-key singing, then started flipping through the channels. She was starting to like this American TV. Even if she still didn't understand it, it was fun to sing along anyway.
Finally her Muffin emerged from the shower. He was glistening from the steam and places he hadn't quite dried, and felt her love for him welling up once more. "Mamo-chan!" she exclaimed gleefully, throwing herself at him.
"Woah! Usako, what's the matter?" he asked, almost being bowled over.
"I'm so glad we get to finally go on a date!"
He blinked. "Uhm.. yeah.. right..." He pried her arms from around himself, then started searching in his suitcase for clean underwear. By smelling them.
Usagi patiently waited for him by bouncing on the bed. Eventually, not nearly as long as it took HER, he was dressed and zipping closed his luggage. "Do you have everything packed up?" he asked.
Usagi blinked. "Why Mamo-chan?"
"Because we're going to the airport." He hefted his bag and put it by the door, then started gathering up the little things he carried with him.
"We're leaving already?"
"Yep, it's time to move on to Denver." He looked around the room. "Have you seen my wallet..?"
"But.. but.. what about our date?"
He waved her off. "Yes, yes, I remember. We'll pick something up at one of airport restaurants, now please, will you start packing up? We're going to be late!" He found his wallet under a shirt of hers, which he threw to her.
What could Usagi do? Sadly, she packed up all her stuff and said goodbye to her "Honeymoon" suite. Mamoru rushed her through her packing, hustled her out the
door and to their rental car.
They just barely made it to the airport on time. Good thing too, the security lines were HUMONGEOUS!! Mamoru worried they were going to miss the flight. Usagi hoped they did so they could finally go on their date.
Fortunately for Mamoru, they got through in time, and even had an hour to spare. So he took her on that date he'd promised. "So, where would you like to eat? McDonald's?"
"Some place expensive." Usagi muttered.
"We're at an airport Usako, EVERYTHING is expensive." Plus, America was expensive in general.
"Mamoru, I wanted a REAL date."
The older man looked offended. "I'm taking you out to eat aren't I?" He looked around. "Here. This place looks good." And he steered her into an 'Outback Steak House'.
Usagi sighed, pointed at a picture of a salad that she wanted to eat, when the waiter asked what she wanted. She then gave Mamoru the silent treatment for the whole rest of the meal. Not that he noticed however, for HE talked the whole time about his experiences on the university tour from yesterday.
--------
Then they flew into Denver, where Usagi froze her butt off, since she wasn't expecting a snowstorm after a few days of California warm weather. "Why the hell are they having SNOW in APRIL??" she demanded, as if Mamoru could control the weather.
"I heard it's not unusual for Colorado." he replied, somewhat distracted as he poured over the bus schedule. They had to wait twenty minutes for the next one to arrive, and when it did, it was full of smelly, probably drunk, old men who leered at her and asked if she was 'legal yet'.
Usagi was already not liking Denver. The motel didn't help her views any. It was far from her 'Honeymoon' hotel. It was placed on some street called 'Colfax' and named 'The Big Bunny.'
Oh the irony.
Usagi started crying the moment they got inside their room. It smelled like cigarette smoke and something less definable. "I WANNA GO HOME!!!" she wailed to the empty room. Mamoru was downstairs getting directions to some place called 'Casa Bonita'. She didn't even know what that meant.
"Don't worry, Usako, it's supposed to be a great restaurant. The guy at the desk said tourists shouldn't miss this place. And it's even in walking distance!" And it was. They just had to pass a few pawn shops, drug dealers, and prostitutes. Not to mention the liquor stores as far the eyes could see. Then there were the abandoned buildings…
Usagi was certain that at any second, she was about to be abducted. She clung to Mamoru more than usual.
And there it was, the giant, gaudy pink.. thing.
Mamoru stared at the monstrosity before him. "Wow, it's certainly... interesting.. looking.."
Usagi tilted her head. "What is it?"
"It's the 'Disneyland of All Mexican Restaurants'." Mamoru quoted from the guidebook.
The blonde blinked. "Mexican?"
"Yes."
"Is that food?" Usagi was confused. She didn't encounter many 'Mexican' restaurants in Japan.
"Yes, it's food." Mamoru said, as Usagi realized there was a fountain. She squealed and ran to it, then promptly started playing in it.
Mamoru sweatdropped, still amazed by his lover's short attention span. "C'mon Usagi, let's go in. People are staring." He took her arm and led her past the two large front doors.
"Wow..." Usagi said, staring at all the decorations inside. She was entranced by everything she saw and flitted from one display to the next. She couldn't believe they could fit all this stuff under one roof.
Even Mamoru was fairly impressed. The place was so much bigger inside than out. It was like they fit a small Mexican village in one building.
Then they hit the 'Gigantic Line'.
"WOAH!!"
The line was divided in two, but both were wall-to-wall people, that wound around the caverns.. ending destination unseen. They stood staring, wondering what to do, when they were shoved from behind by a large family with screaming children. They ended up on opposite sides of the divide.
"Mamo-chan!" Usagi was getting scared. She was feeling that 'small and insignificant' feeling again. Why oh why were American's so big?
She was quickly pushed out of his sight. "USAKO!"
Suddenly, a big burly man with a full beard, pulled out a gun and started firing warning shots into the air. "Stop hurting the little lady!" he ordered, and pulled Usagi out of the crowd.
She started screaming and fell to her knees, covering her head. But he kindly thrust her over to Mamoru, who blinked in surprise. The rest of the crowd hadn't even flinched at the gunshots.
"Oh Mamo-chan! I was SOO FRIGHTENED!!" Usagi buried her face in his chest.
"Uhm, thank you." Mamoru said to the big burly man, who just shrugged and melted back into the crowd. He looked down at his girlfriend who was sobbing messily.
"It's okay, Usako." He soothed her, running his hands down her back.
"I HATE AMERICA!!" she wailed into his expensive shirt.
"There there. We'll have a nice dinner and go back to the hotel for sex. Hotel sex can cure anything." Usagi only nodded, then blew her nose on his said expensive shirt. Mamoru sighed. His dry cleaning bill was astronomical because of her.
But finally they ordered and continued down the line, which became more and more cafeteria like, when they each got a tray. Mamoru had kept her from ordering another 'chizu baga'. Instead they chosen the specials, which cost an arm and a leg. And which Usagi couldn't identify.
All she knew, was that she'd ordered 'beef'. But even Mamoru was having trouble identifying what was on the hot plate the cafeteria lady slammed down on his tray. He'd THOUGHT he'd ordered chicken, but now he wasn't so sure. He poked at it dubiously.
"Hey! Move it, will ya?!" a particularly obnoxious man shouted from somewhere in the line behind them. He shoved the person in front of him, and like dominos, each person shoved into the one in front 'til Mamoru stumbled and nearly fell.
"Owe!" screeched Usagi as Mamoru tried to get up, but was tangled in her pigtails. They struggled a few moments before finally breaking free of the crowd, and each other. Now, to find a table. But that was easy, as a host showed them where to sit. The hard part was carrying their trays. The plate was heavy! And hot!
"My arms are gonna fall off!!" Usagi wailed. She was really taking advantage of the fact that no one seemed to understand her, by complaining ceaselessly. But finally they arrived at their table for two, which was right next to a waterfall.
To Mamoru's relief, she became too enthralled to yabber any more. Especially when the half naked diver came out and started juggling sticks that were on fire. She was so mesmerized she actually forgot to eat! Not it was very appealing anyway. But finally she did try it, after the diver had jumped off the platform and into the small lagoon below.
She immediately regretted though, and violently spat the heinous thing across the table. It stuck to Mamoru's left cheek.
"Usako!" Mamoru was not amused.
Usagi gave him a sheepish smile. "Sorry."
Mamoru sighed and wiped his face with his napkin. "Just eat your dinner, it's not THAT bad!"
The blonde frowned. "It is to ME." she mumbled, pushing odd colored food stuffs around on her plate.
"It cost me fifteen dollars, it better be good!" Usagi sighed and tried to choke it down. As did Mamoru. Truth be told, he didn't like it either. But he blamed it on his Japanese pallet. Too refined.
"Would you like seconds?" A waiter had suddenly popped up.
"Er, no.. thank you." Mamoru replied as politely as he could. "I think we're ready for the check now."
"Oh, but you have to have dessert! Our sopaipillas are the best!" He pranced off before Mamoru could say no.
Usagi was currently enthralled by another skit being performed on the stage by the waterfall. She had no idea what was going on, but it involved a guy in a gorilla costume. She laughed at the antics, then 'ooo'ed and 'aah'ed and gasped when the gorilla knocked a hot hunk into the lagoon.
"Here's the sopaipillas, and some honey!" The waiter had reappeared. "And of course, the Finger Bowl wet wipes." He winked at Usagi before prancing off again.
Mamoru stared at the basket of.. he still didn't know what a sopaipillas was, but Usagi grabbed one and shoved the whole thing in her mouth.
"MmmmMM!! They're GOOD!!" She sucked on a packet of honey.
Mamoru blinked and tried grabbing one, but Usagi had grabbed the whole basket. "Hey! Leave one for me!" He frowned at her and she tossed him one, but ate the rest herself.
He picked up a honey packet, squirted it on the little pastry, then took a hesitant bite. "Wow, these ARE good!" He finished it off happily. But the rest were long gone, and Usagi was sticky. He opened a Finger Bowl and tossed it at her. "Wipe your hands and mouth."
She did. Mamoru was grateful, he was afraid she would hug him and get honey all over his VERY expensive jacket. He then called up the waiter and ordered another basket of sopaipillas. Which he didn't let Usagi eat.
She cried, even though she'd eaten the last basket of them. For some reason she had completely forgot about this fact. He tried reminding her, but she just gave him a blank look and kept whimpering about being denied. So he threw her one. She promptly ate it in one bite. Then sucked on more honey packets.
Mamoru decided now was a good time to pay the bill and wander around the restaurant a bit. Usagi forgot about the pastries when she heard this. She squealed happily and skipped about anxiously, then proceeded Mamoru through every inch of the restaurant, which he didn't mind too much cause they found a few prime make-out spots.
They even had a quickie in the dark bend of a stairwell. So Mamoru's spirits were pretty high, when Usagi discovered a courtyard, with a sign pointing to something called 'Black Bart's Cave'. Of course Usagi dragged him into it, where she promptly began screaming at EVERYTHING, even when there was nothing to scream at.
She even clung to him simply because it was DARK. So he did the only logical thing he could. He had sex with her. This didn't go over very well with he people behind them. But it was America, so they only took pictures before moving on.
Finally when Usagi was less afraid, he led her out, where they were met by a group of college boys who applauded Mamoru for his score. They clapped him on the shoulder and howled at his 'underage lay'.
Mamoru blushed in an 'ah, shucks' manner. Usagi didn't know what they were taking about. Besides, she'd spotted the gift shop. So she skipped off to spend money she didn't have. Yay for rich boyfriends!
"Hee hee hee!! This's so cute! Ooo shiny!" Usagi flitted about, picking up things she didn't need and wouldn't be able to take on a plane.
Good thing Mamoru caught her in time. His wallet wouldn't have been able to take her purchases. It was already thin from the meal. And all of the 'chizu bagas' Usagi had charged to their previous room.
This trip was becoming way more expensive than he had originally budgeted for. He was starting to regret bringing her.
'Tight ass.. tight ass.. tight ass..'
"Are you okay, Mamo-chan?" Usagi asked, looking at him with concern in her big blue eyes.
He sighed. "Let's go back to the hotel."
"Okay!" But then they passed the arcade.. And he just HAD to win a stuffed animal for her. She told him so.
Then they passed the Photo place where they take pictures of you dressed up as cowboys. And she just HAD to have a picture to remember their trip together.
Then they passed by the fortune telling machine that looked like Michael Jackson. And she just HAD to get their fortunes told.
Then she wanted a balloon.
Mamoru's wallet was getting thinner and thinner, and he and Usagi were getting chubbier and chubbier.
So he finally grabbed Usagi by the back of the head and marched her out of there. "Awww!! Mamo-chaaaann!" She was pouting.
"Hotel sex! Now!" Usagi sighed. That seemed to be ALL he wanted nowadays. She still enjoyed it nonetheless. After all, it WAS the ultimate show of affection. Wasn't it?
Besides, she enjoyed a good toss in the hay as much as the next girl. She just wished he wouldn't fall asleep right afterwards. So feeling particularly lonely as he lay snoring away, she decided to check in with her friends.
Ami was first this time.
"Ami-chan?"
"Usagi? Hello, what's up?" The blonde was actually calling at a decent hour.
"Mamo-chan's asleep and I'm bored."
There was a pause. "Uhm... okaayy..."
"What's wrong, Ami-chan?"
"Well, I'm not really sure what you want to talk about..." Ami replied.
"Tell me what's going on! I miss you guys!"
"Well, we miss you too." Then, in the background, Usagi thought she heard: "Ami-chan? Who're you talking to? Come back to bed."
"Who was that?" Usagi blinked.
"Huh? Oh! Uhm, no one!" Ami seemed startled. "Just the uhh.. TV! Yeah, the TV! That's all!"
Usagi narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "Ami-chan. Are you lying to me?!"
"Uhm, no! Of course not! Usagi-chan, you know I wouldn't do that! Oops, I have a test to study for, bye!" -click-
"Hmmmm..." Now Usagi was suspicious. She decided to phone Rei to see if the priestess had noticed anything odd about Ami. But when she called, she only got Yuuchiro, then Rei's grandfather, and when she called Rei's cell, she only got voice mail.
"Hmmm.. something's wrong here.."
She called Minako. But Makoto picked up instead, even though she had called Minako's cell. "Hi Usagi, Minako's down doing laundry, is there anything I can do for you?"
"Mako-chan, what's going on with Ami? And Rei, too!"
"Ami and Rei? I don't know, I haven't seen them in a couple days." Makoto sounded genuinely confused by Usagi's worry.
"They're not... " She lowered her voice. "cheating on me are they?"
"What?"
"Are they playing without me?!" she demanded, considerably louder.
"Playing what?" Makoto had no idea what Usagi was getting on about.
"You know.. the way you and Mina-chan play.."
There was silence.
"Mako-chan?"
"... Are you three having sex?"
Usagi blinked. "You didn't notice?"
"Uh, NO-OH!!"
"Are you okay?" Usagi was slightly alarmed by Makoto's reaction.
"I can't believe you guys didn't TELL US!!" Makoto sounded like she was stomping and pacing. "Does Minako know?!"
"She probably figured it out, she's good at that."
"Oh Kami... I can't believe I'm SO DENSE!!"
"Mako-chan?" Usagi was now worried.
Makoto sighed. "Look Usagi, I don't know what Rei and Ami are doing... And I have to leave for work in twenty minutes.. I'll talk to you later, ok? Bye." And she hung up.
Usagi stared at her phone. Damn, she probably shouldn't have said anything. Still, it bothered her that Ami and Rei might be sleeping together without her. 'Damn.. why did I have to let him talk me into coming here?' she thought darkly. Now she was missing out on all the fun!
She conveniently forgot all about the sex she'd just had with Mamoru. But what if Rei and Ami became exclusive? Then she'd have to sleep with MAMORU exclusively! That would be no fun! No offence to her Muffin, but she'd really miss being sandwiched between those two, hot, sweaty, lithe, FEMALE bodies.
She paused in her thinking to drool a moment. Then went and took a shower. At least they had a decent showerhead here. Mamoru, unfortunately for him, slept through it.
----------
The next morning she slept through Mamoru leaving again. Not that she would've WANTED to visit the University of Colorado with him. But she still didn't have much to do at the dinky hotel. Good thing she was really starting to enjoy these American cartoons.
Then she found cartoons from HER country. In English. "Oohhh! Yay! Anime!" She sang along with the English intro in Japanese.
Wow they'd really picked some shrieky-voiced actresses! They never sounded this bad in Japanese! (She was completely oblivious to her own shrieky voice.)
So she passed the day watching badly dubbed cartoons, and when she ordered room service, she discovered Mamoru had forbidden the front desk from serving her anything but salad and bottled water.
Which worked for her, since she was tired of 'chizu bagas' anyway. But it sort of annoyed her that Mamoru thought she was getting fat.
"He's developing a spare tire himself!" she harrumphed as she munched her dry, flavorless lettuce. She then vowed to never have sex with him until he told her how beautiful she was.
Like Ami and Rei always did.
Course her vow went out the window when Mamoru finally came home. She jumped on him and snogged him 'til he fell asleep. Then she spent another boring evening alone. TV was readily becoming her best friend. Surprise, surprise.
This was getting annoying. But it was the same, state after state. Didn't matter if it was Texas, Chicago or Michigan.. She was REALLY getting upset with him.
"Where are we going now?" she asked dully, when they were on yet ANOTHER plane. At least it wasn't a train again, that had been long and boring.
"Boston!" Mamoru replied excitedly. He was REALLY looking forward to checking out some Ivy Leagues!
"Oh." She'd never even HEARD of 'Bah-ston'. Though after three weeks, her English was improving. She'd finally figured out it was 'toy-LET', NOT 'Toy-RAY'. And she could now order 'pi-za', 'sa-ru-da' and 'zo-da'. But Mamoru still preferred she ate nothing but 'let-us'.
What did he think she was anyway? A rabbit?
So Mamoru was scoring very low in boyfriend points. Especially since he seemed more interested in universities, than he was in her. Unless he was horny. Which wasn't NEARLY as often as she'd like. Nor as long.
She was actually close to feeling sexually deprived. She was already emotionally deprived. She was becoming more familiar with the hotel showerheads, than she thought she really should be. Or her hand in a pinch. It was getting so bad that she was actually starting to TALK to her hand, like it was another person.
She named it "Raymi." That in and of itself was disturbing.
Speaking of the two traitors, neither of them had called her once! Nor had they actually owned up to sleeping together without her! So she was in a bad mood, and didn't care one iota that they were back in a NICE hotel.
She didn't even care that he was taking her to a concert tonight. Even when he teased her by saying she'd love it, but then not tell her anything about it.
She was too busy carrying on an animated conversation with 'Raymi'.
"Hi, Raymi, how are you today?"
"Why, I'm doing wonderfully Usagi-chan!" she made 'Raymi' say in an extremely annoying voice. "Boy, you sure are looking sexy today! I really wanna do you!"
"Ooooo.. do tell!" Usagi said in her normal voice. Her hand then went into some particularly sordid descriptions of sexual acts.
"Hmm? Did you say something, Usako?" Mamoru came out of the bathroom, adjusting his tie. They were getting dressed for the concert.
Usagi snorted. "No." she replied. She relaxed her hand and shoved it into her pocket.
Mamoru blinked. "Well, you should start getting dressed then." Usagi just shook her head at him. As this trip had progressed, she'd been talking to him less and less. She wasn't really sure he'd noticed.
So he ended up dragging her to the concert the without her changing clothes. She immediately regretted it though. It turned out to be quite a swanky affair. Wow, cheapskate Mamoru was finally taking her someplace NICE! Little did she know, he'd gotten the tickets for free. But the actual surprise wasn't how swanky the concert was, but who the performers were.
She didn't even know Haruka and Michiru had left Japan! She almost cried tears of joy to see them. She couldn't wait 'til the performance was over so she could talk with them.
She practically glomped Haruka the moment she found them after words. "Woah! Usagi!" The tall blonde nearly fell over from impact. "Did you put on weight?"
And then Usagi burst into tears. "WAAHH!! HARUKAAAA! MAMO-CHAN IS A JERK!!"
Haruka didn't even blink. "Well, yeah, he kind of is. But I thought that was just part of his personality."
"Now now," Michiru admonished. "isn't that a little harsh?"
"Sorry." Haruka said, though she didn't look it.
Usagi was too busy crying to reply. Though Michiru did finally manage to get the whole story out of her. With a lot of motherly poking and prodding.
"And.. Rei and Ami.. are ..cheating on me!!" Usagi finished, all blubbery and tear stained.
Haruka arched an eyebrow at Michiru. "Uhm.. Odango.. If the three of you were sleeping together, their sleeping together WITHOUT you, isn't really cheating."
"But they're leaving me out!" Usagi whimpered.
"But that isn't cheating Usagi-chan." Michiru said. "And anyway, you're here, and they're there. It would be kind of hard to include you, ne?"
Usagi sniffed. "Stupid Mamo-chan! Why did he have to drag me to America? I hate him!"
Haruka and Michiru exchanged looks. "I thought he brought you along so you two could have some 'alone time'." The tall blonde arched her brow at Usagi this time.
"But we never have alone time except for hotel sex and when we're moving on to the next location." Usagi sniffed. "Most of the time he's touring colleges."
"And you don't LIKE hotel sex?" Michiru asked. The thought was mind-boggling.
"Sure, but I think that's the only reason he brought me."
"You NEED another reason?" That was Haruka, who was equally shocked. Many times she'd gone on tour with Michiru, simply for the hotel sex.
"Yes! I want to be told I'm beautiful! Not that I'm getting heavy and then being pushed off his lap!"
Haruka pursed her lips. "You're beautiful. Better?" Michiru bopped Haruka on the head. "Ow."
But Usagi was happy to be called beautiful again. She sighed and snuggled into Haruka's small chest. Michiru started prying her loose. "She's mine!"
Usagi blinked. "Huh?" Then pouted. "Awww.."
"Did you ever try talking to Mamoru?" Michiru asked, after dislodging Usagi from her Lover. It may have been a small chest, but it was HERS damnit!
"About what?" Usagi gazed at them, confused.
"About what you're feeling." Didn't these young people know anything about maintaining a relationship?
"I tried!" Usagi wailed, the tears flowing once more. "But he only snored at me!"
Michiru and Haruka looked at each other. Mamoru was a jerk. "Where is he, anyway?" Haruka asked, looking around.
"I dunno, I managed to lose him."
"Is he really being that mean to you?" Michiru asked, concerned.
"So far he hasn't given me an orgasm once on this trip."
The lesbians gawked at her. "That's.. that's.. HORRIBLE!!" Haruka's face turned hard. "I'll kill him!"
"I'll get the shovel out of the car." Michiru offered.
"And I'll get Setsuna's sack." Haruka turned to leave.
"Wait!" Usagi screamed. They paused and looked back at her. "I don't want you to kill him, I'm destined to marry him!"
"You wanna marry a man who doesn't make you orgasm??" Haruka and Michiru were incredulous.
"He does! Occasionally.. when he doesn't fall asleep first.."
Haruka turned to Michiru. "Do you know where my shotgun is?"
"It's in the back seat."
"Good." They turned to leave again.
"Wait!"
"What?!"
"Chibi-Usa wouldn't like it if Mamoru died.. she probably wouldn't exist anymore."
Haruka only shrugged. No big deal. Then she could set Hotaru up with that cute Card Captor Sakura kid. She was a little young, but Hotaru would teach her quick enough. She was at least less annoying. And a hell of a lot less PINK, thank Kami. Hotaru was about to go blind due to the light that reflected off her lover's head. She had begun continuously wearing sunglasses to protect her retinas. And Hotaru didn't do the 'sunglasses-at-night' look very well. Though Haruka had to admit, her daughter DID look more mysterious.
Usagi was still debating whether the disappearance of Chibi-Usa would be a bad thing or not. She WAS her daughter, so she was obligated to like the little twerp. But she DID understand everyone's belief that Chibi-Usa was obnoxious. Still, signing a death warrant was way too out of character for Usagi, even for us as the authors.
"So what would you have us do then?" Haruka asked, eyebrow arched once more.
"Just.. get rid of him.. but don't kill him! Ok?"
The blonde thought it over. "Hmm.. well.. ok then.. I've got an idea... but you might not see him again for five to ten.."
Usagi blinked.
Michiru giggled. "Don't worry about it Usagi-chan." She smiled warmly. How fun this would be.
--------
The following week, Michiru and Haruka made the front headlines in all the papers, especially the celebrity gossip columns. But that was nothing new, their blatant sexual escapades usually landed them there. But this time the headlines were proclaiming them as heroes for 'Rescuing a Poor Minor from the Clutches of an Evil Pedophile!'
Usagi turned to Michiru. "What's a 'ped-ee-file?'" she asked, confused.
"It's somebody who is old, but is sexually active with somebody much younger." Michiru answered. She ordered a tea from the stewardess, who had stopped by their aisle, offering them drinks and those peanuts you always get on an airplane.
"Someone so young they're not legally supposed to be having sex." Haruka stated, using her teeth on her own bag.
"But I don't understand. Why did they lock Mamo-chan up?" She stole Michiru's peanuts.
Haruka sighed. "He shouldn't have been having sex with you. You're under eighteen." She gave her bag to Michiru, then stole the guy's from across the aisle.
"Eighteen is too young?" That was news to Usagi.
"In America." Michiru replied, popping a peanut daintily into her mouth.
"Aaaaaah.." said Usagi, even though she still didn't get it.
"Just be glad he won't be bothering you any more." Haruka told her. "And think of all the free time you'll have, to have sex with Rei and Ami now."
"Yay!" Usagi perked up, then hoped Mamo-chan didn't become some prisoner's 'bitch'. She still planned on marrying the poor sap someday. Sadly enough. But for now, she contented herself with drooling thoughts of new positions she wanted to try with the other two.
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Epilogue One:
As Hotaru and Chibi-Usa were playing their favorite game, they had a shock when Chibi-Usa started disappearing.
"NOT AGAAAAAINNN!!" Chibi-Usa wailed, as once more, she ceased to exist.
"Darn!" Hotaru pouted. She hadn't gotten off yet. So she started using her hand instead.
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Epilogue Two:
"OH KAMI USAGI-CHAN!!!" Rei screamed in ecstasy. "Where did you learn that??"
Usagi grinned to herself. Spending the last week of her American trip with Haruka and Michiru had been... educational.
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Epilogue Three:
Five to ten years later: "OH KAMI MAMO-CHAN!!!" Usagi screamed in ecstasy. "Where did you learn that??"
Mamoru grinned to himself. Being Big Mac Daddy's bitch had been... educational.
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Epilogue Four:
"Yay! I'm back!" Chibi-Usa cheered, five to ten years later. Then she realized there was someone in bed with Hotaru. "Hey! Who the hell is that?!" From Hotaru's bed, the Senshi and her new love interest, Card Captor Sakura, stared up at her in surprise.
The End!!
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A/N:
Steel: Yes, we actually HAVE been to Casa Bonita, and no, their food isn't THAT bad. But their sopaipillas really are DAMNED good:D
Shikoku: Ja Ne:)