Title: Empty Words (One-Shot)
Fandom: Yasha
Pairing: Takeru x Rin
POV: Mikami Takeru

If you had been 'Sei', would you have had a better life?

I've been always asking for this couple years when knowing you have another self. I've been asking and always come up with no answer. Because it's just an 'if' yet we're living in the reality where you are Amamiya Rin and never Arisue Sei. And I know that I'm drawn to Amamiya Rin more than to Arisue Sei, because you're the only one I always care the most.

If you had been 'Sei', would you have had a better life?

Still, I'm asking because I'm desperate to see 'that' scene. If you had been 'Sei', would you genuinely smile? Would you be loved by Arisue Hisaki as you've always wanted? Would you treasure people close to you more? Would you hate Amamiya, your father? Would you hate yet love 'Rin? And importantly would you... would we be drawn to each other? But I guess to the last question the answer is no. Because at that case you are Arisue Sei and not Amamiya Rin.

But if... but if... and only if; the you is still Amamiya Rin in Arisue Sei's self, there's still a possibility, isn't there? For us to be drawn to each other-ah forget it, because I've always known the feeling I have for you is just one-sided. Even though we're tangled up, you never touch me. Even though we do care for each other, it's never equal. I've always sunk in a jealousy sea of my useless self because it's indeed useless when I have promised to protect you yet I want to make you all mine. It will mean I can't even protect you from myself.

If you had been 'Sei', would you have had a better life?

When the name Arisue Sei came up, I was angry and at the same time felt pathetic. I came to realize that it was the only reason and is the only hope for you to be happy; as long as there's Arisue Sei, not me. Because you are him and he is you though you are definitely not each other. And there was a time I wanted to kill Arisue Sei, to kill you so that you could become mine-the whole you.

But I stopped thinking like that because I couldn't stand to see your vulnerable self, your pathetic self, your lifeless self; it'd hurt me to death as well because you're the only one I always care the most. Therefore, I changed my way of thinking and try hard to restrain the jealousy inside me with genuine love I can manage. I allow Sei to take you, to pull you, to save you. It's definitely a better way. For you. For him. For us.

And I still try hard even when you bluntly refuse Sei's out-stretched hand though with tears and blood from your unhealed mental wounds because you're long to take that hand but you're still in your contradicting self since the hand that Sei offers is too honest and too pure and too kind, different from mine which contains only love and that alone will never save you; that alone will never save you...

...

I know I'm pathetic.

...

Nee, Rin?

Sorry because I can't help but asking. I can't do anything but asking. Even though, I know these are just empty words and they won't lead us anywhere...

I keep asking while embracing you tightly.

I keep asking while smothering you with love as I can manage.

I keep asking.

And come with nothing.

"Those are just empty words. Because I'm not Sei and won't be Sei. I'm forever Rin. I'm still me and drawn to you. That fact doesn't satisfy you enough? I love you, Takeru. I love you"

You say it nonchalantly with a nonchalant tone, half-smiling, slightly mocking my useless thought. And I merely sigh while embracing you as tightly as usual. And you return it unexpectedly gentler.

...

(I slightly smile)

Nee, Rin? Can I believe that words of yours? At least for now?

-end-
11 August 2011
by Natsu^^v
AN: lame ffic is lame ._.