Summary: I am writing a series of one-shots about the Divergent Universe with the assistance of a variety of quotes. Some will be pre-determined. Some, I hope, will be suggestions from readers. I do not own the rights to the Divergent trilogy nor spoke these quotes originally. Nearly all events contained will follow the timeline and plot created by Veronica Roth. And with no more ado, here is Chapter 1. Please enjoy!
Chapter 1: Those Who Know the Worst
"We love those who know the worst of us and don't turn their faces away."
– Walker Percy
"Tobias?" Her voice was unusually deep for one so small the rational part of my brain observed as the irrational portion went haywire over just how good my name sounded when it was spoken reverently for the first time in years; especially when it was spoken by her. For the umpteenth time in the past half hour, I wished that we weren't in such a setting so I could soak in this moment when she took my very essence off the shelf, dusted it off, and claimed it as hers. However, my father had never been a man willing to wait in reality let alone as the star in my worst nightmares. "Tobias?" He echoed in a high pitched voice that sounded nothing like hers before his features hardened in time with the paralysis that was spreading throughout my veins and encasing my muscles in what felt like liquid nitrogen or molten lead. "This is for your own good." With those ill-fated words, my father multiplied and circumvented me as the metaphorical lead hardened and froze me there in place with the strength of the fear that I still felt at the sight and sound of him systematically and sadistically removing his belt loop by loop. As the gray leather snake slithered across the color behind him, all of the hims involved, my heartbeat began to gallop in my chest as my brain screamed at my legs to fight or run and all they did was remain there motionlessly pathetic and ineffective as if my veins and arteries had indeed been filled with lead rather than blood.
The belt smacked against Marcus' hands painfully enough to make me close my eyes in mental preparation for that same sting on my own tattooed and scarred back. But the pain never came, instead came the wince of pain of a familiar female voice; hers. Both my eyes flew open in surprise at this and I saw the belt looped around her arm as she jerked it away from the sadist. Her action drove me from inaction into my own action as I pulled her behind me and took up my fighting stance.
Suddenly the scene lifted and I was stolen the first chance I ever had to beat my father for all the times he'd hurt me. At that moment it was mostly for hurting the only girl who had ever made me truly come alive, but, in hindsight, it was probably better that I didn't get to hit him because becoming anything like him was the worst possible nightmare for me. Tris was saying something but I couldn't focus on it and just looked up at her, which I suppose, must have answered her question because she grew quiet afterwards. Shaking myself from my thoughts, the fatigue of going through my fear landscape hit me harder than normal and I pulled her close and leaned into her for the first time not caring what she would think of the contact. Physical contact was nothing after seeing the worst parts of a person.
Rather than pull away in disgust or give me that hurt puppy dog look, she loosened up quickly and leaned back into me as a support and closed her gray-blue eyes as she hummed comfortingly. Without meaning to, I leaned down and pressed my forehead against hers and breathed her air in deeply to calm myself. In turn her thin arms wrap around me and my body felt electrified by the touch. "Tris?" I regretfully asked after a long moment of this and she stopped humming before opening her eyes and meeting mine. "Yes?" She replied as I searched her eyes carefully for any speck of the pitying kicked puppy look that I so disliked. Finding none and feeling as confused as ever, I suddenly felt an un-satiable urge to kiss the bird-like blonde in front of me. This was not a new feeling for me however this was the first time that I found I truly couldn't ignore the commands of my brain and my lips seemed to move of their own accord as my head moved up and I pressed them lightly to her forehead.
"Thank you." Her eyes flew open in response and gave me a puzzled look as I whispered the words against her skin. "For getting me through my fear landscape." The explanation seemed to still confuse her as she pulled away slightly and my heart leapt in fear of losing the physical contact that was calming and healing. "But I didn't do anything really, I was just there. It was all you." She explained and I had to try hard not to roll my eyes at that, she had no idea the kind of effect that she had on me, really people in general but mostly me.
Looking at her carefully, I strived to take in every aspect of her pale face framed by her long blonde hair. Those gray-blue eyes that demanded my attention shone brightly in the dim light of the room; they had come alive with the power that she had gained from being brave in the face of fear. Moving down from her eyes, I focused on the light dusting of freckles that barely were visible and coated her nose in light brown dots. Some may call her nose out of proportion and it probably was however it did not bother me in the least. Below her nose was her lips, a light rosy pink at the bottom that turned to a bright red right where her lower and upper lip met. As I watched, she bit lightly at her lower lip and the red was suddenly explained. What was not explainable, however, was how much I wanted to connect my mouth with hers. There was a fire boiling inside of me as I stared at those lips and it was then that I decided to take a chance despite the part of me that was suspicious of who could be watching. To hide my shaking hands, I brushed a bit of her silky blonde hair behind her ear and left my hand there cradling the side of her head carefully. I was still afraid that I might break her. Leaning forward again, I brushed my lips against her check as near as I dared to those tantalizing lips. Her skin was soft against my chapped lips, better than any chapstick.
Her eyes closed tightly as she leaned her head into my hand and sighed with relief, at least I hoped it was relief. If it was disgust than I had a huge problem on my hands because I had fallen too far to pull myself out of this relationship. Her tiny hand reached for mine and I clasped it tightly in mine. Surely, surely she wouldn't do that if she didn't feel something, anything, for the man in front of her. Bringing myself to pull away from her, I watched as her eyes opened at the lack of contact and looked up at me waiting to see if I would dare to go further. Now was not the time nor the place for that due to the location evoking thoughts of my status as Initiation Instructor, the fear landscapes, and my sadistic father's legacy of abuse. Separating myself completely from her embrace, and ignoring the sudden cold where her hands had been previously, I kept my hand wrapped around hers and used the space to force my brain to think of a place that was private and not reminiscent of anything that this room symbolized. "Come with me, I have somewhere to show you."
With that she nodded and I slipped my fingers betwixt hers as I led her from the hellish room. Her body was inches from mine and I became hyperconscious of every step of her feet and the way that her hip knocked into mine when she tripped over her own feet. The side of my leg felt like it was on fire just from that second's worth of contact. She too must have felt the same hyperawareness, because she shivered slightly when I ran a finger across the back of her hand in a motion I had seen Zeke use with Shauna. It made my stomach do flip flops at the idea that I could make her shiver with pleasure at a mere touch. "So…" She interrupts my thoughts and I glance up from where I've been staring at our matched step. "Only four fears?" Back to safe ground then with Initiation and fear simulation talk. "Same then and same now." I paused as I considered revealing to her when she might deem to be masochism but ended up admitting it all the same, this wasn't a secret really in comparison to what she'd seen just moments ago. "I keep going back in there but nothing changes and I haven't made any progress in the two years I've been here."
"You physically can never be fearless because you still care about things," like her, I care about her a lot, "like your life." And that too I suppose. I guess it was my turn to answer and as fine as I was with the quiet, I gave in and spoke in my naturally hoarse voice. "I know." Two word answers were always easier especially considering that words not ought to be wasted unnecessarily. By now we have reached the hidden path that leads to the river and I sigh with relief, no cameras can reach here. She asked a question about my results and I diverted her attention carefully with only a tell tale scratching of the back of my neck that revealed how uncomfortable I was with the subject. Glancing over at her as she demanded that I tell her my results, I smiled despite myself at her stubbornness. It was one of our most similar qualities and I loved her for it.
By now we have reached the river and she is distracted by the sight in front of her allowing me a moment to collect my thoughts. After a moment of her wide eyes and open mouth taking it all in, I led her to the ledge and pulled her down to sit beside me. Her sitting on my lap itself would have been perfect however the Abnegation part of my brain feared it as I'm sure hers did too. Intimacy was hard for people like us. Releasing her hand, I finally explained the reason for my inability to give non-ambiguous answers, "These are things I don't tell people, you see. Not even my closest friends." No one ever knew any of this all at the same time and willingly with my consent. I felt closer to her than anyone else and this incredibly terrified me because she now knew the worst parts of me and I still didn't even know for sure how she felt about me because she too was vague and feared intimacy so neither of us were ever going to bluntly ask. "My result was expected. Abnegation." Being open was one thing, all my secrets in one night was pushing it.
She sighs in response and sounds disappointed, does she judge me for why I left Abnegation? "But you chose Dauntless anyway?" This girl is smart, I know she is, what is she trying to dig up with this question? My dad is now common knowledge to her. "Out of necessity." I'm returning to ambiguity and I know I am but I cannot help it, old habits die hard after all.
"Why did you leave?" Judgment, that's what this is; she judges me for abandoning my faction because I was scared. Turning my face, I look at the ground and analyze the patterns on the stone and the few scratches that cover her combat boots compared to my scarred and busted ones. "To get away from your dad." Finally, I took a chance and looked up at the girl in front of me and was taken aback by the lack of judgment in her eyes. A surge of hope goes through my chest as one of Abnegation sayings come to mind and confirms that at least my feelings are what I think they are. "We love those who know the worst of us and don't turn their faces away." Echoes throughout my thoughts causing me to lose focus momentarily
The tiny girl asked another question but I could only focus on the beginning that asked about being a Dauntless leader. "I've always felt that I don't belong among the Dauntless at least not the way they are now." Her gray-blue eyes meet mine in surprise as she looks at me in surprise at my statement. "But you are incredible!" At that my heart beat sped up and I watched as she blushed at her forwardness. To tell the truth, I blushed too because no one had ever thought me to be attractive before because in Dauntless my lean muscle, intelligence, computer skills, and narrow tall build was nothing compared to the other males. It was clear that she was trying desperately to backpedal and I gave her the chance even as the blush grew redder on my face. "I mean, by Dauntless standards. Four fears is unheard of. How could you not belong here?"
At this I shrug slightly as I lean back on my hands in an attempt not to do any unintentional touching. "I have a theory," I begin thinking of her in front of that target, "that selflessness and bravery aren't all that different. When you've been trained all your life to forget yourself, it becomes your first instinct when you're in danger. Abnegation could just as easily have been my faction." Her nose wrinkled at that idea as she believed the misconception that she was not capable of being selfless. "Maybe for you but I left Abnegation because I wasn't selfless enough." That makes me laugh, not my fake gruff laugh but a hoarse rumble that travels through my chest and bubbles up my throat. Once I've calmed enough to speak, I can't keep the smile off my face as I start, "That's not entirely true. The girl who let someone throw knives at her to spare a friend, who hit my dad with a belt to protect me - that selfless girl, that's not you?"
For awhile we flirt there and I lean close until I cut the distance between us in half. When she leans forward and we're sitting there with our faces only inches apart, I decide that I cannot wait any longer and whisper, "I watched you because I like you." She starts to shape the syllabus for my nickname and I shake my head as I recall how my body had felt when she called me by my real name. "And don't call me 'Four', okay? It's nice to hear my name again." Her blush still surprises me because she seems too strong to be phased by mere words. I wasn't lying when I told her that she looked tough as nails after all. "But you're older than I am F- Tobias." With that I smile, she'd making me smile a lot more than I ever have, because in Dauntless age is just a number, it doesn't dictate anything even in this new crueler Dauntless. "Yes, that whopping two-year gap really is insurmountable, isn't it?"
She is growing more flustered by the second and I'm worried that she's just making excuses at this point until she speaks again. "I'm not trying to be self-deprecating. But I just don't get it. I'm younger, I'm not pretty." With that I laugh because she had no idea that just a look out of the corner of my eye is enough to make me want her like I've never wanted anyone before. I want to look at that face every day, memorize every line and color, kiss those lips until they're as chapped as mine but mostly I want to, need to, protect her. Even after all my inhibitions, she thinks that she isn't worthy of me when it's really the other way around. "Don't pretend, you know I'm not. I'm not ugly, but I am certainly not pretty."
That Abnegation self-doubt strikes again and it kills me the way that this perfectly brave and selfless person doubts herself because of it. I desperately want to, need to, convince her of how brave, selfless, and gorgeous she is in my eyes but Rome was not built in a day and stubborn people like us don't change our minds in a day. "Fine. You're not 'pretty', so?" My chapped lips press lightly against her cheek because I truly cannot resist any longer. "I like how you look." Unmeaning to, my voice had dropped an octave at this point as I whisper the words against her cheek. "You're deadly smart and brave. And even though you found out about Marcus, I'm not getting that look like I'm a kicked crying puppy or something."
"Well, you're not." She states bluntly and I can't control myself as my lips move down her jaw line to her cheek and I press my lips to hers in all the wrong ways. Kissing wasn't exactly something they taught at school or in Initiation. Despite this, it was the best feeling of ecstasy I have ever felt. Vaguely I'm aware of my hand caressing her face but I am hyperaware of her hand tentatively reaching up and resting on the back of my neck. Pulling back to catch my breath, I placed my other hand on the opposite side of her face and was about to pull myself back in when she beat me to it and pressed her lips to mine. That moment alone silenced any fears I felt when she kissed me and I fell even further for the one who knew the worst of me but loved me anyways.
AN: Accuracy as far as quotes (and possibly chronological events) goes is nonexistant due to the fact that my copy of the book has chosen now as the best time to play hide and go seek. Either way, please read, enjoy, and review! Any quote ideas just post as a review and I will get to them ASAP.