Kara bobs left then right. Her fists are tight balls and hover right below her jaw. Hazel eyes clouded with fatigue are intent on the white and red punching bag before her.
Jab, jab, right hook.
She bounces on the balls of her feet, ignoring the sting of sweat as it burns her eyes, dripping down from the fringe of her bangs plastered to her forehead.
Upper cut, jab, feint.
Her fists make slapping noises against the leather and if she closes her eyes Kara can almost believe she's hitting an honest to Gods person and not just working out her demons on an inanimate object.
Another flurry of punches ring off the bag and Kara's stance never falters. She knows how to fight. Regardless of the pain setting fire to her hands, she knows how to stay on the defensive. She knows how to attack, how to parry, how to take down an opponent twice her size.
She has no idea how to grieve.
The thought brings a flood of anger to her chest. It radiates through every vein and nerve-ending until she's again attacking the bag as if it presents the deadliest threat imaginable.
Kara Thrace had lost feeling a while ago. Regardless of the damage she was currently inflicting on her hands, her body had already shut down. Channeling auxiliary power to her vital systems like a Viper with its engine blown.
She smiles callously. She's running on back-up systems.
It seems a fitting analogy. Everything has been tinted, shaded since the day of Zak's death. It all looks surreal: herself, her surroundings. Even from inside the blessed cockpit of her Viper, things seem hazy and out of focus.
As she continues to pummel the bag, vaguely aware of the blood wetting her cracked knuckles, she wonders if space would look hazy too.
She wouldn't know. She hasn't flown since Zak's death.
It's your fault, Kara.
The memory and image from her nightmares springs to mind and Kara fights harder.
It always is. You ruin everything you touch.
Hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit-
Kara's eyes burn now as she continues to pummel the bag, each hit faster than the one before. She strikes out for Zak and her own stupidity. Kara Thrace had never let her emotions cloud her judgment. And now that he's gone, she resents the fact that Zak should be the first to carry that honor.
The first man she loved to death.
She strikes out again, ignoring the sickening crack of her knuckle and the subsequent pain. She's tried before to drive her mother's disapproval from her head. Tried to drown out that voice with alcohol or adrenaline or, occasionally, sex.
But Zak had been the only one to silence her nagging for good. Now that he's gone, Kara can hear her mother reminding her of how worthless she is.
And for the first time in over a decade, Kara believes her.
Grunting with each blow, Kara doesn't know when the room around her becomes a blur. She tells herself she's not crying, it's simply sweat pouring down her face. She almost believes it.
"Kara."
She hears his voice and doesn't stop. What's the point? There is nothing the great Lee Adama can say that will make her feel any better. With her mouth twisted in a retched expression, she just keeps on hitting.
Lee watches her, helpless. He hasn't seen much of her in the past weeks since the funeral. He tells himself it's because he's been busy, not because he's avoiding her. He tells himself it's not anger he feels. He tells himself he doesn't resent her.
But he knows he does. He resents Kara Thrace because she got to spend the most time with Zak in these past months which turned out to be his last. He resents her because she came into the picture and the Dynamic Duo that was Lee and Zak Adama vanished. Their brotherly bond had become an afterthought.
Outwardly, Lee had been thrilled for his little brother. Kara was brash and loud and sexy as all hell. All the things any man would be more than happy to find in a partner. Lee had never thought they were the things Zak was looking for in a partner. His young, sweet, quiet brother, whose smile lit up rooms and whose laugh was literally infectious.
Inwardly, Lee had found his thoughts straying to Kara on a few lonely nights and wondering how Zak had ended up with her in his bed. She was so much more Lee's type. He didn't want to covet his little brother's girl, but Lee Adama had and he resents Kara for that as well. For being so frakin' irresistible that he actually entertained the idea of making a move for her. She'd never have gone for it, he's sure, but he still hates himself for thinking it.
He'd tried to become a member of their little club. On the nights when the three of them had managed to go out, onlookers would dub their trio "the three musketeers." Lee wonders what he is now, if he will become something else. Zak was always the common denominator.
Another sickening hit draws Lee from his conflicted thoughts to Kara Thrace, the indomitable Starbuck. And if Lee didn't know any better, frakin' crazy as a loon.
"Kara." He tries again for reason, guessing it won't work and he's right. Stepping closer his mild concern skyrockets in a second as he spots the reddened bag and Kara's equally reddened and ungloved hands.
In three strides he's behind her, hands reaching around to hold her wrists. He effectively crosses her arms over her chest, pulling her back into him. He can feel her sweat wetting his double tanks, but he also can feel how badly she's shaking. He just holds her tighter.
"Frak off," Kara grounds out, voice rough with too many emotions to identify.
"What in the name of the Gods did you do?" He questions, his mouth close to her ear. Eyes traveling to the closest hand he can see, he feels his stomach turn at the sight. "Look at your hands, Kara."
She does look and feels her stomach bottom out. Now that she's stopped moving, the dehydration and hunger and exhaustion have caught up with her, pain and emptiness tight on their heels. Her bloodied and swelling hands make her want to retch and she swallows the bile down. She will not toss her cookies on Lee Adama's shoes.
"So?" She goes for petulant and it comes out strangled. She feels Lee's heavy sigh on the back of her neck and wills herself not to tremble. She hasn't been this close to another living person since the morning of Zak's death. She'd woken in his arms. Twenty-three days ago.
"I'm going to let you go."
Kara wonders if he has any idea how condescending he sounds.
"Are you going to run?"
Turning her head to the side, she catches a glance of his ridiculously square jaw and challenges, "Try it and find out."
Lee knows that the best answer he can hope for. He lets go and feels relief when she doesn't run.
Relief that turns to panic as she crumbles at his feet instead.
Kara curses her traitorous legs. The last thing she needs to do is show weakness in front of him. In the back of her head, she knows it's her own fault; the human body has some pretty strict rules regarding sleeping and eating. Considering she's been ignoring those rules, she knows she has no one to blame for her current weakened state but herself.
You ruin everything you touch, Kara.
Lee's eyes are studying Kara closely, searching every inch of her face for a clue that will tell him how he can help her. He knows what he wants to do; what would make him feel better, but he knows Kara is not one for physical contact. He figures she'd just as soon take a swing at him as accept a hug from him. Although judging by those hands, she won't be hitting anything soon.
Reaching for them, Lee silences her protest with a soft shushing noise, as though gentling an animal. It amazingly does the trick and as Kara's body continues to breathe heavily, trying to recover from her bout with the punching bag, Lee pulls her bloody and bruised hands into his lap.
She winces as his fingers close around her palm, tempted to pull them back, but unable to give up the human contact. It's weak, she knows. Weak to want to feel warmth from another person, but she misses it, damn it. Misses it so much she feels sick at night, as though her grief will choke her. That's why she's not sleeping – Kara cannot stand even looking at her empty bed.
Lee turns over her right hand, noting the way her pointer finger is cocked at an odd angle. The knuckle protrudes sharply against the skin, but luckily did not break through. It's going to have to be set.
As gently as possible, he rests her hands on his thigh. Raising his eyes to her face, he asks, "Can you walk? You need to get to the med center."
She nods in silence and Lee watches as Kara carefully reconstructs her outer shell – her wall of protection. Zak had confided to him once, when they'd both been drunk that breaking through Kara's defenses had been exhausting and exhilarating. Lee feels another surge of jealousy that he can't do the same.
Kara refuses to meet his gaze knowing she'll see pity there. She's seen it in everyone's eyes since the accident. They feel sorry for her and Kara wants to rail at them, wants to deck every last person who looks at her as if she's half a person. But it's not because they're wrong.
It's because they're right.
Slowly, she curls her legs beneath her and tries to stand, but using her hands to help her up was a grave error and she sees stars for a minute as the pain overwhelms her. Crying out, she bites her lip to stifle more of the whimper, pulling her hands into her chest and holding them close to her heart. There's nothing she can do to stop the pain and so she simply keeps breathing, praying for it to pass.
Lee's hands around her upper arms are strong and sure. With a firm hold he slowly raises her to her feet, moving one arm to wrap around her shoulders as she sways. Kara leans into him heavily, her body giving her no choice as it refuses to stand on its own. They slowly head for the door, Kara's head on his shoulder, her hands still held before her in some kind of antiquated prayful gesture.
Lee reaches for her sweatshirt as they pass to the door and stops for a moment to wrap it around her shoulders. Now that the adrenaline has receded, her body is shivering, covered in a damp layer of sweat that does not agree with the internal temperature of the gym.
She murmurs what he believes is a thank you. They walk the rest of the way in silence.
----- -----
"You can see her now."
Lee looks up feeling a little hazy as his eyes focus on the nurse before him. He's seen her once or twice before, perhaps even bought her drink on some Friday night when the only thing that seemed to matter was how much fun could be had until Saturday.
He smiles at her and she returns the grin, but its politeness, not genuine regard. Not too many people smile at Lee Adama with genuine regard. He has friends, but not close ones. In truth, Zak had been his best friend. Zak had been the only other one who could understand the pressure of being Bill Adama's son. The isolation it caused.
"Is she all right?" He doesn't recognize the sound of his own voice.
"She will be," the young woman tells him, something like true compassion flickering across her features. "She's severely dehydrated. The doctor's got her on fluids and wants to keep her at least overnight until she gets some of her strength back."
"And her hands?" Lee knew how essential hands were to a pilot. If Kara had done permanent damage to her nerve-endings she could kiss her Viper career goodbye.
"They'll heal. It's going to be painful, but they'll heal."
Murmuring his thanks to her, Lee brushes past her and out of the room. He knows that seeing Kara now is probably not a good idea. She hates to be vulnerable, he knows. Knows because she stood beside his father during Zak's funeral and for most of the wake and didn't cry, didn't falter, not once. If he didn't know her – or rather, if he hadn't known the kind of man his brother was – Lee would think she was a cold-hearted bitch.
But he knows that's not true. He knows because he saw something raw and frightened in her eyes back in the gym. Right before she'd slammed her shields back into place and walled herself and her heart behind them. He saw truth in her eyes and the truth is Kara Thrace is terrified.
Stepping into the private room she's assigned, Lee stands nervously by the door, rubbing suddenly sweaty palms onto his pant leg. She's not looking towards him, her head turned towards the window instead, one of Caprica's sunsets painting the sky pink and yellow. He swallows hard as he recognizes the IV line dripping something clear and viscous into her blood stream.
Her damaged hands rest gently on her lap, covered almost completely in white casts. The tips of her fingers are just visible, looking as though she'd colored them with blue and purple markers. But no, it's just bruises.
"Hey," he says softly, hoping she'll turn and look at him. She doesn't.
Approaching the bed cautiously, he stops before he reaches it, his hands itching to touch her face. She seems so small all of the sudden, as if the hospital gown and the uncomfortable bed are too big for her. It's odd, Kara's presence is normally larger than life. It could fill a room and had on many occasions, whether it was a Triad game or a frat house party. No matter who was there, Kara was always the life of the party.
And Zak had always been right beside her, smiling at his girl with a grin that would have been foolhardy on some, but was just endearing on Zak.
Lee had been there too, but no one had seen him.
"The nurse said your hands will be all right." He knows its lame. He guesses that they've probably already filled her in on her condition. But he has to say something. Clearing his throat, he tries again. "Do you want anything? When's the last time you ate?"
"Just stop." Her voice is as hoarse as it was only an hour before and the sound grates against Lee's skin like coarse sandpaper. He can only stare, hoping she might turn and look at him. Maybe this time he'll figure out how to help her – maybe this time he'll be able to. "Just stop, okay?"
Lee realizes this as a moment of truth. He could do as she asked; he could walk away and forget. Forget what Kara Thrace meant to his brother, forget what she's come to mean to him. Lee likes to think he's here because he wants to remember Zak, reminisce about old times, but it's just not true.
He's here because he wants to help Kara. Because he knows she has to be as broken as he is and the thought makes him cold. He's here because if she can't have one Adama brother she might as well have the other.
His cheeks burn as the thought passes unheeded through his mind. It's disrespectful to think such a thing so soon after his brother's death. He's ashamed and suddenly very glad that Kara's refusing to look at him.
"Why are you here?"
Lee glances back at the sound of Kara's voice. She's still facing away, but he figures his breathing gave him up. Kara's a pilot and a damn good one. Just like Lee her senses are attuned to an almost uncanny level.
"I wanted to see how you are." It's the truth, Lee is determined to be truthful with her.
She snorts softly and he recognizes it for the bitter sound it is. "Yeah, I'm great," she mutters. Her hands twitch in her lap and she hisses through her teeth as the slight movement sends pain coursing through her. Slamming her eyes closed, she rolls her head back onto the pillow and breathes in and out laboriously, trying to will the pain away. Lee watches, helpless.
Slowly, her eyes blink open. She continues to stare at the ceiling and Lee continues to watch her. Minutes pass in silence. Finally, unable to handle the quiet or his distance from her, Lee steps around to the side of the bed and gingerly sits down by her feet. She does nothing to acknowledge his presence.
"So," he begins quietly, hoping he sounds at ease. "How are you?"
Brash Kara is back. He can see it in her hazel eyes as she offers him a glare. "Peachy." The word is more of a growl than Lee had expected and he actually flinches at the sound. "You can go." She commands his dismissal with such finality that he almost obeys. Almost.
"I saw you speaking with my father, after the funeral."
Kara's head falls back against her pillow and she resumes her stare at the ceiling. What is he playing at? "Yup."
"Talk about anything interesting?" Lee doesn't want to let on that he's jealous. Jealous that his father so readily accepted Kara when he and Lee have been on the outs long before Zak's impromptu death.
"He offered me a spot on Galactica." There's an air of smugness in her tone and Lee's jaw tightens at the sound. "Said he could use a pilot with my skills."
"You're going then?" Why is he jealous? The fleet would never allow him to serve under his father's command anyway. And he wouldn't want to, not now, not after his father's pushing and goading and damnable pride cost his baby brother's death.
"I'm thinking about." Kara tries to sound nonchalant, but she isn't. Since Bill Adama offered her a home, it's been just about all she can think about. When she isn't consumed with self-loathing over her stupidity. Stupidity that caused Zak to explode. Shaking the thought away, she still doesn't look at him, but says, "The two of you didn't seem to be too close." Risking it, she darts her eyes to him, glad he's glancing at his hands clasped firmly between his knees.
The set to his jaw and the grim expression in his eyes steals her breath for a minute. He doesn't look like Zak, not really. Lee and Zak were so different, in appearance and demeanor. They're both sweet, Kara supposes although it's obvious by the trail of broken hearts Apollo has left in his wake he's not quite as sincere as his younger brother. But at this moment, just able to make out his profile, Kara could swear its Zak sitting beside her and the recovered memory, coupled with the harsh reality that's he's really gone is too much.
"Get out."
Lee's eyes snap back to her face. Words catch in his throat as he watches a lone tear snake its way down her pale cheek. It covers the darkened circle under Kara's eye and Lee finds himself staring at her as if he's never seen her before. When he'd found her in the gym, he'd concerned himself with her hands and the obvious injury. Now though her skin is remarkably pale against the non-descript hospital sheets, the circles under her eyes remarkably dark in contrast. Her cheeks are hollow too and her eyes are dull. There was a spark a moment before when she'd attempted to goad him into a fight, but now there's nothing.
He'd rather she fight with him.
Wondering what could possibly be motivating his actions, Lee inches forward and places his hand to her shoulder. She flinches and tries to move away, but the bed isn't that big and she has no choice but to endure his touch. Squeezing gently, he holds her gaze, trying to offer her something. Whether its permission to break down or the strength not to, he isn't rightly sure. But something has to be better than nothing.
Kara's grateful Zak's eyes were brown. Lee's blue eyes, while piercing, don't dredge up painful memories. She pauses as that non-sequitir sinks in. These memories, the ones of her and Zak together: in bed, on a date, at a movie, having a picnic was not painful before. Not until twenty-three days ago. Now, twenty-three days later, she prays to the Gods for amnesia.
"I wish I knew what to say." That is the first truly honest thing Lee's said since he found Kara in the gym. She can read his sincerity and it hammers out another crack in her protective wall. "I can't imagine-"
"Don't, all right?" Kara's angry her voice is so shaky. She was hoping for threatening. As Lee's eyes implore her for an explanation, she releases a heavy sigh and gives him one. "There's nothing to say. Zak was alive and now he's dead."
"He loved you." Lee can tell her this, because he knows it's true. He knows because Zak reminded him at every opportunity. Lee had almost lost his cool once, almost shot back that maybe he loved her too. But he'd held his tongue like a good older brother and let Zak be happy.
Now, no one is happy.
"Yeah, well, look where that got him," Kara spat back, deciding she'd rather fight than cry. "You should have warned him about girls like me. Isn't that your job, big brother?"
"Don't." Lee's mad now and he lets it show. "Don't belittle Zak's feelings just because you're hurting. He loved you and that means something."
"It meant something," she reminds him hotly. "And all it meant was I got stupid and Zak got dead."
You aren't worthy of love, Kara. Why do you think your father left?
The memory, while painful, is familiar and Kara basks in the ache that pulses through her chest. The ache she remembers from feeling completely abandoned, right before physical pain blossomed after it; the pain of her mother whipping her hard across her back with a belt.
"I should never have let him-"
"What? Love you?" Lee spits the words at her. He doesn't know much about love, he's fairly certain he's never really experienced it. But he did know his younger brother. And Zak's capacity to love far outshined anything. "I didn't think you had a choice in loving someone."
"No one's loved me before, I don't know what made Zak so different," she shoots back, her voice low. It's the only way to keep her emotions in check, talking in a growl.
Lee blinks a few times at the intensity of her words and their meaning. "Kara, that can't be true. What about your parents? They must have loved you."
She feels the tears come, and she knows that she won't be able to hold them back. "My parents?" Her voice is thick with emotion and she hates it, but she keeps talking anyway. Secretly, she hopes that if she tells Lee enough about her distorted past he'll become so disgusted he'll leave her be. Once he realizes how unworthy of love or concern she is, he won't feel a need to pretend that he cares. "My parents were hardly decent examples of love and devotion."
Lee has never heard this story. Zak was always fairly tight-lipped about Kara's past. When Lee had ever asked, when his mother or father had ever questioned him, Zak would always smile and state that all they needed to know about Kara was how much he loved her. That his love for her should be enough to convince them of her goodness. None of the Adamas had been able to disagree.
Slowly, Kara raises her damaged hands from her lap, bringing the white-wrapped hands into view. She turns them over, her heart beating sharply against her ribcage as memories she's fought for years to deny come roaring back to the surface. It's all so familiar – the pain, the sadness, the despair. It's happening all over again.
She tries to use her hands to cover her face. She feels more tears falling and it shames her. Shames her that she's being weak in front of Lee, in front of the all-mighty Apollo. His legend permeates the flight school – her nuggets whisper about his escapades when they think she's not listening. She's heard them mention his maneuvers in the same breath with her own and it's always made her pause. Sometimes Kara wonders what it would be like if they ever flew together. They had once or twice in basic, but it was before either of them really had their wings. They'd been nuggets then, still full of flight school bravado and young stupidity. Now that they're older and maybe a bit wiser, Kara wonders if flying with Apollo on her wing would be as great as they all speculate.
Her recklessness tempered by his level-head. Her brashness tempered by his quiet calm. With Zak, she'd always had to fly conservative; he wasn't a good enough pilot to handle her. She thinks that maybe Apollo is. Maybe he has the chops to follow her moves, to go along with her craziness – and survive it.
She's crying in earnest now and Lee is helpless once again. Gods how he wants to help, but he doesn't know how. She's never been forthcoming and it isn't as if they're close. She has no reason to confide in him, barely any reason to trust him, except one. He is Zak's brother; he's alive and Zak is not.
Flinching as her hands come into contact with her cheeks, Kara lets out a strangled scream of defeat. It's as bad as she fears; she won't be using her hands for quite some time. Trying to turn away from Lee and his intense glare, she whimpers softly as rolling to her side brings her hands into sharp contact with the bed.
She wants to die. She would never have admitted that before. But the yawning emptiness inside of her is slowly eating her alive and she can't stand it. Now, doped up on powerful medication and feeling helpless, Kara Thrace has never felt a deeper desire to fade away.
"It's going to be okay." His voice is a quiet whisper that instantly soothes her although she has no idea why. The warmth of his hand on her back as he rubs light circles between her shoulders blades should make her tense. She isn't used to casualness, but Lee's touch is gentle. She inhales a few shaky breaths as her sobbing subsides. "You're going to be okay."
More silence passes between them. Lee continues to rub light circles along her back, nothing the way her body has relaxed at his touch. He feels a swell of pride in his chest that he's managed to help her. He also feels more concern for her as his hands pass over her vertebrae, far too visible beneath her skin. She really hasn't been eating.
"What can I do, Kara?" Lee doesn't know what he expects her to say. He just prays she'll say something.
"Nothing, Lee." Her voice is hollow. "Nothing."
----- -----
Kara awakes in a cold sweat, eyes unable to focus in the dim light. She's breathing heavily and as she tries to push her damp hair off her forehead she's rewarded with a sharp, stabbing pain. The pain clears the fog in her head and Kara squeezes her eyes shut as she remembers: Zak, gym, hospital, Lee.
It's the middle of the night and Lee is finally gone. It had taken the nurse informing him three times that visiting hours were over before he'd finally agreed to leave. Kara swallows hard as she turns onto her back and stares at the ceiling. Lights from the city are painting a muted tableau above her and she can see make out familiar shapes in the shadows.
The one to the left is her music player, the old one that's beat-up, but she won't part with because it's the only thing she has that will play the recordings of her father's music. If she closes her right eye and cocks her head to the side, the images to the right look like a Mark II Viper similar to the one she trains pilots on. If she blinks once, she can see it do a full reverse one-eighty.
Above her, Kara's heart catches in her throat as she sees Zak's smiling face. He has his arms around her and Kara feels her cheeks flush as she remembers that day. Her head is buried against the top of his chest and she can recall her embarrassment, although not the exact words that caused it. Something about her and Zak, something that Lee said.
Lee – he's standing to the side, holding a football. He's grinning, but he's so far away from them. Kara doesn't remember him being that far away. It always seemed that when Zak and Kara hung out with Lee he was right there, part of their group, the "three musketeers," as the other pilots dubbed them.
She'd only had cause to speak to Lee on a handful of occasions, but she had instantly recognized the similarities between them. And the differences between him and Zak.
Lee is the big brother, with all the responsibility that entails. He had never stopped looking out for Zak. Kara had witnessed that first hand. She smiles now as she remembers the first time they met. An Adama family dinner, Caroline, Lee, Zak and herself. The Old Man was already out of the picture although Zak's memories were far fonder than Lee's.
It had been a nice meal, full of easy conversation and laughter. Zak and his mother had gone to get the dessert, leaving Lee and Kara staring at one another across the table. Lee's blue eyes had caught her off guard even then. They were too piercing, almost intuitive and Kara squirmed at the thought that Lee might be able to see past her layers of bravado and good manners.
"Your call sign is Starbuck, right?" Lee's voice was tight, even though Kara guessed he'd been going for nonchalant.
She took a sip of her drink and answered, "Yup. And you're Apollo." Unlike him, it wasn't a question. Kara had done her homework. That, and Zak took every opportunity to brag about his big brother.
"You're one hell of a pilot." It was hard to tell if it was really praise, Lee wasn't smiling. Kara nodded reluctantly, having the decency to at least duck her head at the compliment. "Reckless though."
Her eyes snapped back to his face. His expression was still unreadable. Uncertain what he was getting at, Kara waited and he finally cut to the chase. "Don't be reckless with Zak. He cares about you, a lot. If you frak with him, I won't like it."
Caught off guard, Kara's eyes narrowed as she read the sincerity in his words. Allowing a small smirk to turn up the corners of her mouth, she took another sip of her ambrosia. "Well, I'm already fraking with him." The look of shock that passed across Lee's face was totally worth it and Kara stifled a laugh.
Sobering, she told him, "But I care about him too. I have no intention of messing that up." She didn't tell him then how rare it was for anyone to care about Kara Thrace. How uncommon it was for her to be loved so completely by another human being. Maybe if Lee understood that he'd understand how desperate she'd been not to hurt Zak in any way.
Snorting, Kara closes her eyes again, fighting the tears that leak out the corners. Of course, in her desperation not to hurt him, she'd gotten him killed. Glad you thought that one out, Thrace.
----- -----
"Frak me."
Lee comes up short outside of Kara's hospital room. He hears her mumbling and the curses don't surprise him. Pilots are notoriously crass although Lee tries not to subscribe to the same carefree manner. He has too much riding on every flight – like the legacy of the Adama name.
Shaking the thought, he knocks lightly on Kara's door and peeks his head around the jamb. Immediately averting his gaze, he clears his throat. "Sorry."
Glancing up, Kara is by no means embarrassed. Sharing a bunk room with ten other horny Viper pilots has completely desensitized her to being naked in front of others, men and women alike. "What are you doing here?"
Still staring at the floor, Lee says, "The doctor told me he was going to release you today. I thought I'd take you for breakfast." Pulling his eyes up to her face, he says seriously, "You need to eat."
"Don't patronize me," she tells him, although his concern for her well-being touches her for more than she'll ever let on. Waving one of her bandaged hands at her still undressed body, she tells him, "But until I can get my fatigues on, I don't think I'll be going anywhere." It's the buttons that have stymied her progress. She had begrudgingly accepted help from the nurse to get her bra and underwear on, but had refused to let someone else dress her. Now she realizes she may be physically unable to do it herself.
Lee swallows hard several times trying to determine if the next words out of his mouth will get him slapped. Throwing caution to the wind, he blurts out, "Want some help?"
Kara's hazel eyes snap to his face, her expression unreadable and Lee holds his breath. He knows she's fierce, he's heard all the stories about the indomitable Starbuck. Whether she's in a Viper cockpit or out of it, she's flattened far big and burlier men than him for less.
This is not a good idea. Kara knows that. She's already let Lee get too close. But then again, Kara Thrace has never been known for her overabundance of good ideas. Shrugging lightly, she tells him, "Sure."
Lee steps fully into the room, shutting the door behind him. As he reaches the bed, he takes the pair of pants Kara's holding and shakes them out. Kneeling before her, he lifts one foot and then the other. He keeps his eyes focused on her feet. Feet are safe, feet are not knees which lead to hips which lead to other parts of her body that he should have absolutely no interest in.
Kara stares at the top of his head. His breath glances across her calf and she wills her body not to shudder. Gods, he is too close and this was such a bad idea …
"Can you stand?"
His voice is so soft it almost undoes her on the spot. He's being so kind, so gentle and it's something Kara is completely unaccustomed to. And far more than she deserves. If he had any idea how completely she'd contributed to his brother's death, she knows Lee would leave her there, shivering and naked and not give a damn. But she can't tell him, because then he'll go away and she'll be alone. And while she doesn't want to, she needs someone there. The loneliness is slowly driving her insane.
He's staring up at her, his blue eyes searching her face for what has her frozen. "Kara?" His voice is soft again and it breaks her from her thoughts. Nodding absently, she rests her wrists on his shoulders and tries to use the leverage to stand. It doesn't work so great and she almost topples forward, but Lee catches her, his hands around her waist and helps her stand, before bending over and grabbing the waistband of her pants.
Kara wishes he'd hurry up and wishes he'd take forever in the same breath. She can't tell if she's feeling something because it's Lee or just because she's sad and hurting. She wants it to be the latter, it would make her life a hell of a lot less complicated. But she's also not known for being uncomplicated.
Lee rests the waistband on her hips and says a silent prayer that they're drawstring. As he fixes them to her waist, he leans past her, reaching for her shirt. The move puts his cheek close to her mouth and he feels a small puff of breath caress the skin there.
Clearing his throat to hide his discomfort, he shakes out the shirt, and takes a step closer to her. Keeping his eyes locked on the floor as he figures it's the only safe place to look, his arms encompass her, bringing the shirt up to rest on her shoulders. Kara leans into him, steadying herself by leaning one shoulder against his as he works her arm into the sleeve. She winces once as her hand gets caught on the fabric and he whispers an apology, his lips next to her ear.
They repeat the process with the other arm and Kara feels a deep sense of loss as she loses any reason to lean on him. Straightening reluctantly, she watches his hands as they start at the bottom of the shirt and put the buttons together.
She tries to tell herself that her chest isn't heaving with anticipation and that the tightness she's feeling in her belly is just hunger. She tries to think of anything other than how solid and warm Lee felt just now or how gentle he's being. She tries to remind herself that it's her fault his baby brother and her fiancé is dead. But Kara is having an incredibly difficult time forming a coherent thought when Lee Adama is this close.
Kara thinks of the picture that haunted her dreams last night and wonders, not for the first time, what would have happened if she'd met Lee first. Zak was sweet and charming and completely in love with her and Kara misses that so much she can barely breathe. But Zak hadn't been strong or particularly confident. He had needed Kara's validation, needed her approval, which in the end is what had killed him.
Lee is a little less sweet and a little less charming, but unbelievably strong; he doesn't need Kara to tell him he's a good pilot, doesn't need Kara's approval or her clearance, not like Zak did. In light of recent events, Kara finds that incredibly appealing.
Lee's finished with her shirt, leaving the last two buttons open and his hands naturally drift to her shoulders, resting there gently. Kara meets his gaze, her gratitude evident in her shining eyes and he offers her a small smile.
It's the smile that causes her world to implode. Lee is strong where Zak was weak. Kara had always thought that was all right; she was tough, everyone always said so. Starbuck didn't take any crap from anybody. She can lay out a man twice her size and still walk away. But she realizes in this moment, she doesn't want to be strong, not anymore, because it's killing her.
Biting her lip, she stares at the ceiling, hoping to avoid his gaze. If she just takes a few deep breaths, it'll pass, she knows it will. Just breathe, Kara.
Lee's hands drift from her shoulders to her cheeks as he watches her struggle to keep it together. He doesn't know when he became so attune to her emotions, especially considering how guarded she keeps them, but he can read her. Just as he watched her slam those walls into place in the gym the day before, he's watching in awe as they crumble around her now.
"Hey." He strokes her cheek with his thumb, catching a tear as it falls from her eye.
Reluctantly, Kara brings her eyes to his face, her lower lip trembling uncontrollably. Almost without thinking, she leans forward, her forehead resting against his shoulder. She lets out a deep, shuddering sigh and with it comes her tears. They aren't sobs, but they still shake her body and Lee feels her trembling against him.
Stepping closer, he wraps his arms around her and holds on tight. Kara's arms rest loosely at his waist. She can't really hold onto him, not with her hands in so much pain, but she burrows in as close as she can to his warmth and support and finally lets it out.
She knows she doesn't deserve to feel better, that she doesn't deserve to ask Lee to help her. Kara knows that she's broken; that something irreparable was ripped apart the day Zak died. But Lee can't fix that, no one can. So what's the harm in leaning on him now?
Lee continues to hold her, more than surprised as the minutes pass. He never expected Kara to break down so thoroughly. In a twisted way, he's almost glad; glad because this kind of comfort he can give to her. And this is the kind of comfort he needs as well. Surely Zak would not begrudge them that? He knows his brother; he wouldn't, so Lee buries the guilt he feels at holding Kara so tightly and not wanting to let go.
It could be hours before they finally pull apart. Kara leans away first, her head bowed as she hurriedly wipes her cheeks against her forearms. Lee turns slightly, finding a few tissues on the night stand and offers them to her. She takes them with a watery smile and blows her nose in a very unladylike manner that Lee finds endearing.
"Hungry?" he asks her after a time, unable to take the silence that's descended upon the room.
Shrugging, she tells him, "I suppose."
Frowning softly, Lee drapes one her hands gently through his bent arm, and guides her towards the door. "Hmm, I wonder if that would change if I told you of this great place to get blueberry pancakes."
Kara can't help the small smile that quirks the corners of her mouth. "Those are my favorite," she admits, and she can feel her stomach agree.
Lee also tries to hide a grin. "I know. A little birdie told me."
The mention of Zak causes both of them to pause, but only for a second. "I miss him," she finally murmurs, her eyes cast to the floor.
Leaning towards her, Lee presses a kiss to her temple and says, "Me too."
As they make there way out of the hospital, Kara feels the sun on her face and for the first time in twenty-four days she doesn't hate it. For the first time in twenty-four days she actually thinks she may survive life without Zak.