A/N: I am newly obssessed with BSG and its Fandom, most notably Lee/Kara. I've also posted this to LiveJournal in "Beyond Insane," but I wanted to share it here as well. I hope you enjoy!
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Kara's hand flew to her face, covering the lingering sting of Lee's hit before his arm was even back at his side.
Wide-eyed, she stared at him, the automatic tears of pain blinking out of her eyes as she held his hard glare.
Then without a word, Kara turned on her heel and left the rec room.
He'd hit her before. And she had hit him. One too many times actually if someone stopped to think about it. It seemed to be their last line of defense; when things got too heated or too honest or too hard one of them would strike out. The difference was Kara always hit first.
Today, Lee had.
Too many memories Kara had fought too long to hide came roaring back at his look of anger and the ferocity of his hit. She knew it was Lee, knew she had pushed him by saying some fool thing, but her mother's voice was now echoing through her head, reminding Kara once again of how worthless she was. Lee striking her first had been confirmation that her mother was right.
Quickening her pace, Kara blindly headed away from him and the nightmares that were rushing through her mind.
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Lee stood tense and shocked as Kara fled. He knew he should go after her. Knew that whatever had just transpired between them was not their typical banter and bite. But he found his feet rooted to the floor – in disgust.
Lee Adama was a gentleman. It had been drummed into him from a very early age that there was a proper way to treat a woman; a way that involved opening doors and holding out chairs and offering his jacket on a cold night. But Kara Thrace, while decidedly a woman, had never quite inspired Lee's chivalry.
But he had never actually hit her first. He didn't like the fact that he hit her at all. It wasn't right. Forgetting the fact that he was physically stronger, Lee knew he should not strike her. She was a woman and that made it wrong. But more importantly, she was his friend, maybe his best friend. So why, when she got too close or too sarcastic or too damn proud did he feel the need to physically shut her up?
Of course it was a natural reaction to hit back when someone slapped him, but Lee didn't even have that excuse right now. Today, she had not hit him first. But he had had no problem striking her.
And over what? The Old Man, of course. Kara protected his father with all the tenacity of a rabid animal. It was something Lee could never quite get used to and he doubted he ever would.
Today her defense of the Commander had just been too much to bear. She had just kept going on and on about how he deserved Lee's respect and Lee was lucky to have a father as strong and loving as Bill Adama. And the fact that she had once again thrown Zak's death in his face had been the final straw.
So, he'd hit her.
His face flushed hot with shame, the color spilling down his neck and across his bare arms. He wanted to apologize. To tell Kara he was sorry and it would never happen again. With that purpose in mind, Lee headed for the door.
And stopped.
Why hadn't she hit him back?
It was typical for some of their really good fights to resort to blows, but Kara always hit first – in short, she always hit, but not today. Today, he had struck out, landing a solid punch to her face and she had done … nothing. She'd taken it.
Kara Thrace, Starbuck, the best pilot in the fleet didn't take anything.
Concern now warring with shame for dominance in his heart, Lee headed in search of her.
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"Do you know why I hit you, Kara?"
The frightened five-year-old stood stock still, her wide hazel eyes refusing to spill the tears that had pooled in them. Only her lower lip, trembling of its own will, hinted at how scared she was. Only the line of blood sliding down her cheek from the gash in her forehead telegraphed her pain.
"Because suffering is good for the soul." A backhanded slap punctuated her mother's explanation. "Because little girls are evil and they have to be taught how to be good." Another crack rang through the house. "Because you're not worth loving."
Kara wanted to pretend she wasn't crying, but she could no longer avoid it. She had made her way to the hangar deck unimpeded. It was the night shift on Galactica and only a few people were milling about. She'd found her way to her Viper intent on crawling under its belly and getting some repairs done. But the minute she'd slid under on the dolly, hot tears had fallen down her cheeks and they would not stop.
Rolling onto her side, Kara curled up into the tightest ball she could manage, using her feet to push her just a bit further into shadow. She didn't want anyone to see her, she just wanted to disappear.
She had prayed for invisibility as child as well. She had prayed she had the ability to disappear every time she'd heard her mother came at her with a belt. Every time she'd sat at the dinner table and forgotten to keep her hands folded in her lap until she was told she could eat. Every time she'd been awakened in the middle of the night, her mother yanking on her blonde ponytail and dragging her from bed.
Kara had cut her hair the minute she'd entered the academy.
Childhood memories did not often haunt Kara Thrace. It had been almost a lifetime ago that she had lived with her crazy mother and her warped ideas of Gods' Will. But tonight, as she'd watched the anger in Lee's eyes flare and staggered back from the hard hit, something had come unglued.
Maybe it was just a delayed reaction to the worlds' ending. Kara was sure she could blame it on stress. They were still running from toasters, trying to find resources and fuel and water and everything else they were bound to run out of. She was averaging maybe six hours of sleep a night and subsisting on rations that did nothing to stymie her appetite.
If anyone asked, that's what she'd say – she was exhausted, so they could all just leave her the frak alone.
But Kara knew that wasn't it. She knew that Lee hitting her meant she had finally pushed him too far. Lee had finally realized that, just as her mother had explained, she wasn't worth loving. The punch had only been to prove the point.
Curled into the fetal position, Kara wrapped her arms tight around her torso, trying to hold herself together. She felt like one wrong move might cause her to shatter. She could not shatter. Ace Viper pilots did not shatter.
With her chin tucked in tight to the top of her chest and her eyes squeezed shut against the steady torrent of tears, she didn't see booted feet circle the other Vipers in the bay before circling her own. If she'd opened her eyes for even a second, she might have recognized Lee's nervous pace and managed to collect herself in time.
But she didn't.
Lee could swear he'd heard something. He circled Kara's Viper again, looking for the tell-tale sign of her booted feet as she rested beneath the ship, but there was nothing.
A sick feeling consuming his stomach, Lee sat down the few provisions he'd brought on the Viper's nose, before bending at the waist and peering into the dark shadow of the ship's underbelly.
The sight before him caused his heart to constrict painfully. Kara's back was too him, curved so acutely he was certain her chin was touching her knees. She was shaking too and he knew it was tears, not the cold of the bay that had gotten to her.
He had done this. Lee Adama had caused his friend to go running, to hide under her ship and sob. That meant he had to fix it.
Afraid of spooking her, Lee took a few extra steps around the ship, finding the point she was closest to, before getting down on his hands and knees and crawling forward. Reaching out a tentative hand, he gently brushed her calf. "Kara?"
Jerking suddenly, Kara's head came within inches of banging on the underside of the ship. "Gods, Lee," she spat, wiping fiercely at her damp cheeks and averting his gaze. "What the frak do you want?"
"Are you okay?" He didn't react to her vitriol.
"Fine. Get lost."
Lee bit the inside of his cheek uncertainly as he watched Kara again curl in on herself. This behavior was decidedly un-Starbuck. His concern from earlier spiked once more. "How's your cheek?"
Kara snorted, grimacing as the movement reminded her of how fraked up her cheek actually was. "You should know. You certainly hit it hard enough."
She was turned away from him so she didn't see him wince with regret. "I'm sorry. It was uncalled for."
Shrugging, Kara's voice was hollow. "I've hit you for less." Pausing, she added, "Come to think of it, so have you."
If possible, Lee felt more shame flush his cheeks. "Kara, I'm sorry. There's no excuse. I should never have hit you."
"I'm not made of glass, Lee." Gods, how she wanted him to go away. If he kept talking to her like that, like he was actually concerned, she might do something really stupid. Like tell him why she was cowering under a Viper. "It takes a hell of a lot more than that to break me."
"Then why are you under there?"
He didn't want to be confrontational, but if she wasn't going to pull any punches than neither would he. When she didn't answer, he touched her leg again. "Come on. Come on out so I can take a look."
"Its fine," she sighed, her exasperated tone losing a bit of its effectiveness as her exhaustion became evident.
"Humor me."
Frak, he really wasn't going to go away until she came out. Sighing heavily, Kara straightened on the dolly, stretching tight muscles before rolling herself out and into the brightly lit bay. Wiping quickly at her cheeks again, she sat up and gave him her best withering glare. Turning the offending cheek towards him, she sniped, "See? Fine. Now go."
Inhaling a sharp hiss between his teeth, Lee stilled her chin cupping it gently in his hand. Getting a better look at the damage he'd done, he breathed, "Gods, Kara. I'm so sorry."
The bruise was a fine one. It was already turning purple, climbing up the edge of her cheekbone and towards her ear like a flowering vine. With his free hand, he reached his fingers to the blemish and winced again as she flinched from his touch. "Trust me, it's real. And it hurts like a bitch." Twisting her lip into a wicked grin, she added, "I always thought you hit like a girl, Adama. Good to see you put some muscle behind it."
"Don't." His voice was harsher than he'd anticipated, but he didn't back down as she stared at him challengingly. Keeping a firm hold of her chin, he forced her eyes to his and repeated evenly, "I was wrong. I should never have hit you first." Sighing, he dropped his gaze and added, "Frak, I should never have hit you at all."
Kara felt more tears coming at the true amount of regret in his tone. Decidedly uncomfortable, she shrugged away from him and hurried to stand. "Forget it, Lee. It's not a big deal."
Separated from him, Kara felt the chill of the bay slide over her skin and she shivered. Hands rubbing at her bare arms to conserve some heat, she looked for an escape. "It's late. We should hit our racks."
She tried to step past him. Considering how big the hangar deck was it should have been easy to stay out of his reach, but moving swiftly, Lee managed to snag her closest elbow. His hold was firm, but not tight and Kara could feel the hesitation in his grasp, as if he were afraid he might bruise her again.
Sighing, she dropped her eyes to the deck, shoulders falling forward in defeat. He wasn't going to let it go. Lee Adama – the human version of a dog with a bone.
"Why didn't you hit me back?"
Wide eyes snapping to his face, Kara felt her stomach drop. She'd had no idea Lee even realized her failure to retaliate. She had thought for sure his appearance in the bay was simply to assuage his guilt. Or rather, she had hoped it was; Kara should have known that Lee was far too perceptive for his own good.
And, apparently, hers.
Shrugging out of his hold, she stepped back, arms again fortified around her waist. "I didn't feel like it." As Lee's lips pursed into a decidedly frustrated expression, she challenged, "What? You wanted me too? 'Cause it can still be arranged."
"Kara." Perceptive and sensitive. Some days, Lee's intuition and insight stopped her in her tracks, while others she had a deep desire to rip open his chest and understand what made him tick. She didn't get it. Zak had been the same, always understanding more than she said, always seeing more than she showed, always knowing more than she did.
The only difference was with Zak she had let her guard down and he had died. She refused to make the same mistake twice.
"You always fight back." He was still hammering the point home and Kara wondered what excuse she could give him that would be acceptable. Obviously "not tonight dear, I have a headache," wasn't working.
Scrubbing her cheeks roughly, Kara yelped in pain as the motion aggravated the bruise. Glaring at Lee, she told him hotly, "Look, I really don't want to do this right now, okay? Just consider yourself lucky that you got a shot in. It won't happen again."
She attempted to stalk past him again and this time Lee caught her hand in his, twining their fingers together tightly. "Let me put something on that. Otherwise your cheek will be double its size by morning."
Willing to admit temporary defeat, Kara allowed Lee to pull her towards the Viper's wing where he'd sent down the cold pack and towel. Figuring he might actually leave her alone if he tended to her wounds, Kara rolled her eyes, but didn't complain as he gently set her on a crate, breaking the cold pack to activate it before wrapping it in the towel.
"Here." Lee pressed it gently to her abused cheek, and Kara covered his hand with hers, steadying it in place. Lee didn't move his hand right away and Kara watched him closely. He was staring at their joined hands, his blue eyes intense. And calculating – he was thinking in that overly bright brain of his. Kara guessed whatever he came up with she wasn't going to like.
Sitting heavily on the crate beside her, Lee let out a sigh. They sat in silence for a minute. "Better?"
Nodding, she didn't speak. Now that she'd closed her jaw and the cold was seeping into her skin, the pain was getting worse before it got better. She shivered again and Lee noticed.
Without a word, he took off his sweatshirt, placing it around her shoulders. His hands lingered a second too long on her shoulders and the familiarity of the gesture coupled with Lee's gentle touch, dislodged something sharp in her chest.
"Zak never told you about my mom." Her voice was hoarse and low, but as Lee's hands dropped to his lap, she knew he'd heard her.
"No." Lee studied her profile, most of it obscured by the cold pack. "I thought your parents were dead."
"They are now." Kara felt emotion roiling in her gut and wished she'd kept her mouth shut.
"I'm sorry," he said softly, with such sincerity that for a split second Kara was too. Then she remembered.
"Don't be. I don't remember much about dad. He left around the time I was four. And my mother …" She trembled again, but this time it wasn't from the cold. Lee seemed to know that.
Reaching up, he covered the hand she held to her face once again and slowly lowered the ice pack. Kara let him, resting it on the crate at her side. His hand closed over her now chilled fingers and held tight.
He kept studying her and Kara finally let the words come. "She hit me. Believed it was the will of the Gods that people should suffer." Trying to muster a bit of levity, she added darkly, "And trust me, I suffered."
Lee's jaw clenched tightly, his teeth grinding together uncomfortably. Zak had never told him Kara was the result of an abusive childhood. He was instantly angry at his brother for keeping something that important from him. Kara was his friend too, damn it, he should have known. He should have-
"You can't fix it, Lee." Kara was reading his mind. Some days she could be perceptive too. Turning to face him, she smiled wryly and added, "It's long in the past."
Squeezing the hand he held tighter, Lee insisted, "You should have told me."
"Why? So you can feel guilty every time you hit me?" Kara knew it wasn't funny, but morbid humor was really the only vestige of control she had at the moment. "It's not like I don't deserve it."
"Kara." Lee's voice was firm, but gentle and she found herself unable to ignore it. Meeting his gaze, she felt her breath catch in her throat as she saw the raw emotion reflected in those deep blue pools. "No one deserves to be hit, regardless of what they've done." Clasping her hand between his own, he added softly, "Especially not a child."
She nodded out of politeness. That's what everyone said. Anyone she had ever told about her mother's abuse had always explained that it wasn't her fault. That her mother had been unbalanced or just plain evil and that was why she hit her daughter multiple times per day.
Zak had told her it wasn't her fault too. She had believed him. Then, he'd died and that had been her fault, so she considered pretty much all of it null and void.
Lee knew Kara. He could tell she was placating him. Reaching back into some reserve of intro psych from his first year at War College, Lee also knew her reaction was common – a standard result of abuse. But this was Kara and Kara wasn't standard or common. She was his friend. And she was hurting.
Squeezing her hand even more firmly, Lee turned towards her, facing his knees to hers. Reaching for her chin, he lifted it up so that he could again see her eyes and repeated. "Kara, I mean it. You didn't deserve to be hit. Not then and not now."
Smirking, she again tried to lighten the mood. "How do you know? I'm a pretty big pain in the ass. You think I got this way overnight?"
Lee bit his tongue to keep from lashing out at her. He wanted to tell her how stupid she was being, that making excuses for her mother was just downright dumb. But that wasn't what Kara needed. "Is that why she did it?" he asked instead. "Because you were a pain the ass?"
Uncomfortable once more, Kara shifted, pulling her chin from Lee's grasp so she wouldn't have to look at him anymore. "No, she had other reasons."
"The Gods," Lee breathed, for once unashamed to admit he didn't believe.
Nodding, Kara gave him a bit more, her voice even and dead. "Because little girls are evil and not worth loving." She repeated it almost as a mantra, it was certainly the litany her mother had beat into over and over again.
Lee's heart pounded sharply against his rib cage. "Kara," he breathed, her name almost a prayer on his lips.
"It's okay. I knew one day I'd push you too far and you'd figure out what a screw-up I am." Her voice was still dead and Lee found it chilled him. "Didn't think it'd be today, but I guess that's what makes life interesting."
Unable to hear any more, Lee did the only thing he wanted to. He wrapped his arms tightly around her, pulling her into his side for a hug. A hug she fought him on.
"Frak, Adama. Let me go. What's your problem?"
He heard the anger in her voice and ignored it. "You are not a screw-up, Kara," he whispered, his lips brushing her scalp. "You are my friend and I love you."
"Lee. I mean it. Let. Me. Go." There was more than just anger in her tone now, there was desperation, a plea for him to back-off so she wouldn't have to confront this, not now, not today. She struggled some more, trying to pull out of his grasp, but his hold was firm and he refused to give her up.
"No, Kara." Holding her tighter, if that were possible, he pressed a kiss into her hair and told her, "I love you."
Her eyes stung as those three little words, spilling from Lee's lips registered. She wanted to keep fighting him, get him to let her go so she could wallow alone, but he would not release her. Sagging against his chest just slightly, she murmured, "Can't love a screw-up."
Lee felt a real need to hit something, and while he still stood by his gentlemanly code, he knew that should Mrs. Thrace waltz by he would gladly strike out at her. Smiling tightly, he tried to curb his anger lest Kara think she was mad at him. "No, you can't. Good thing you're not a screw-up."
Kara wanted to fight. She didn't want to give into this. But her defenses were already weakened, months of little sleep, constant stress and bad food taking their toll. The world had ended and she was still here and Kara didn't quite know what to make of it.
But Lee was here too. Not just here, on Galactica, but here, with her. Kara knew the flare of happiness she felt at his closeness was wrong on so many levels. Zak not withstanding, there was no way a girl like Kara Thrace should even be friends, let alone best friends, with a guy like Lee Adama. But again, despite all the odds, they were friends, maybe even closer. Flying on a person's wing, day in and day out bred a level of familiarity that could not be replicated. Kara had always been a good pilot, but flying with Lee made her more than good. It made her integral, not only to the fleet, but to him.
And if she allowed herself to think about it, that closeness was precious to her. Almost as precious as the man who offered it.
"Lee, I can't do this." The words stuttered past her lips as she found it hard to take a full breath. Her heart was pounding ferociously and she was amazed she couldn't see it beating through her tanks. "Don't, please. I … can't."
Lee had no response for that. He knew what it meant for Kara to be weak. Knew how fiercely she valued her bravado. But he would not leave her now, not when he had inadvertently caused her to break.
One hand moved from her shoulder, cupping the back of her head. Gently he guided her face to his shoulder, as he turned towards her more. It was hard to do and not relinquish his hold, but Lee knew the minute he let go, she'd bolt, and he couldn't take that.
Kara readjusted against him, one of her arms reluctantly moving around his waist. Pressing her forehead into his neck, she soaked up his warmth, releasing a shuddering breath in the process. She wanted to run, but the comfort of Lee's embrace was intoxicating and she found all of her excuses to escape dying on her lips.
"You don't have to do anything." Lee's breath tickled her scalp, and she felt the lightest pressure of his lips on her forehead. He paused for a moment and Kara closed her eyes wondering what exactly he would do next. She knew that the wrong words, well, actually the right words, from him could send her over the edge and she was not prepared for the fall-out.
Rubbing a hand gently down her back, Lee hesitated for split second more before throwing caution to the Gods. "You're safe, Kara. All right? You're safe."
She felt tears come at his words and easily swallowed them back. She had been vulnerable enough for one night. However, that didn't mean she had any intention of leaving Lee's embrace any time soon.
Because he was right; this was the one place she felt truly safe and that was a rare gift for Kara Thrace.
Sighing once more, Kara burrowed into him just a bit closer, eyes closing as she gave into his warmth. "I know."
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