Chapter 1

I am trying to find something to say…but I cant find the words to express myself. Hell I don't even know what I am feeling. Its like I have this rats nest of emotions all tangled and balled in knots. I want to be happy. I want to be happy for you. I want to be happy with you as a friend. Every time I try to just settle my mind on that one feeling it feels as if I want to peel my skin off. I want to rip my flesh with the anger and desperation I feel inside. I hate it. I hate me. You probably wont understand this, because I have not given you any idea what is going on in my head. In my defense I don't even know what's going on in it.

I love you, Regina. I know that this is a horrible way to profess my love for you, but I couldn't take being rejected again. You probably expect me to say "I loved you from the first time I saw you"; well I didn't. Truthfully the first time I actually saw you were at homecoming freshman year. At the time I just want to fuck you, but you turned me down when many girls never would have. While my ego and… well other things, were deflated I respected your will to deny me. The last girl to deny me was Katie Smith in the 4th grade. At that moment I knew you were different, but I didn't love you.

Little did you know your denial just spurred a fire to have you. So I pulled up my big girl pants put all my effort into having you. I flirted. I begged. I pulled out all the tricks in my arsenal to have you. I spent literally $5,000 on trying to make you give in, but still you denied me. Finally I just gave up. You just weren't interested. Internally I was angry like really angry. That's why I started treating you badly for a few months. I hated you for not wanting me, because everybody did, though that is not a good enough reason.

Remember that one day after school I was flirting with some slut. I don't remember who it was, but I know I hit it a few times. You came to me to talk about something in private, but I blew you off. When you kept bugging me to talk I snapped. I told you to basically fuck off and whatever you had to say was un-important. I called you a prude and embarrassed you in front of everyone. You then ran away crying while everyone laughed. I know it hard believe, but I felt bad. I didn't mean to make you cry. If I actually cared I wouldn't have treated you the way I did. For that I am truly sorry. I would literally do anything to make it up to you.

I blame it on myself that whatever friendship we had fell apart. I was too greedy and selfish to see that I would rather have you as a friend than nothing at all. I don't blame you. I cant. You did nothing wrong. From that day on I would look at you from across the quad and lament at the fact that I couldn't just walk across to say hi to you. I think I tried once. I got close and smiled, but before I could do anything the sight of your new boyfriend Robin kissing your cheek…devastated me. I quickly turned around with my tail between my legs. You seemed happy. I couldn't ruin that.

To numb the disappointment I started dating Lilly. She was beautiful, fun, and outgoing. Most of all, she filled the spot I had for you originally designated for you… at least for a moment anyway. As the relationship grew, but I knew she wasn't you. Maybe it was guilt or the notion that if I tried hard enough she would become you. My mind started mind started to wander though and my heart was cheating on her. I started to make her you. I know that sound stalkerish and crazy, but it's the only way I know how to describe what I was thinking. I literally would imaging it was your hand, lips, body I was in love with every day.

Yes it was at this point that I started to realize that I loved the person you were. I loved that you turned me down. I loved that you were stubborn. I loved the way you call me an idiot. I loved the way you smiled. I loved the way I could just be content just looking at you. I remember at Ruby's Party I spent the whole night watching you. You were just so beautiful. You hair was lightly curled and your make up was just perfect. I purposefully ditched Lilly when I saw you head outside. I couldn't just let you go. I had no idea what I was going to say or do, but I had to follow you.

I don't know what I was expecting to happen we hadn't talked in almost a year. So I wasn't surprised when I attempted to talk to you I was met with hostility and you leaving. I don't know what posseted me to, but I followed and grabbed your wrist. I needed us to figure this out. All you wanted to do was yelling and tell me I was a piece of shit, which I deserved. After all this time of just longing I couldn't hold myself back. I kissed you. I put every ounce of passion I could muster into this one kiss. It only came to a shock to me when you kissed me back. Then next thing I know I am in bed with you taking off your clothes. I had never felt so achy in my life. I only hoped you felt the same way and would just let me relieve that ache. It was the best moment of my life.

The next morning you were gone. I was disappoint and heartbroken. I had hoped that something happened. Not in a bad way, but like you had a curfew. When I got to your house and you came to the door I knew. I knew you were going to reject me…again. I meant nothing. I begged and pleaded before, but this time I wanted you to see I cared. That you were more than just a notch in my belt you were the girl I wanted to be with, but you just slammed the door in my face.

I just can't do this anymore. It's been three months. I can officially say I am broken. You have broken me. Every day I find myself becoming more depressed and dull. The company of others is nothing compared to you. I broke up with Lilly, because it wasn't fair to her. I don't eat. I hardly sleep. I just am functioning…to live.

I am not writing this to make you feel bad. I would never want you feel bad. I'm just writing this to tell you that I'm done. I understand you don't want me. I understand that no matter how much I want to love you it will never be enough, because you don't love me. So with this painful realization that I will never have you I am writing to tell you I'm leaving. I can't be here in Storybrooke looking at all the places you have been. It's killing me.

I am moving to Arizona to live with my grandmother. My parents thought it would be a great idea to stay with her and just get away from here. At first I was angry thinking they were trying to get rid of me. Even my close friends agreed with them. Then yesterday at our last assembly they played a video from freshman year with me in it. I was so vibrant and full of life, and then they showed me again of video only taken weeks ago. I looked dead and suicidal. That's not me but yet it is. I can't go on like this Regina I will kill myself. So I am going hopefully I can move on and not dwell on these feelings.

I don't know why I am writing this to you. You have made it clear how you feel about me. Maybe there is a part of me that believes that somewhere in you there is a part that still cares. That if I write this you will chase me like in the sappy movies you love to watch. Maybe it's just for my closer as ways to say good-bye to a life that we have lived.

I mean isn't that what graduating is all about, Change? The people you once knew becoming distance memories. The childish notions that change can't happen if you don't let it. Well it does happen and if I don't change my life will be nothing. And so will yours…

So grow please. Grow into a sophisticated, well-educated woman that can care for herself. Don't become dependent on anyone to take care of you or your own. You are so strong and I've had the privilege to see it. Don't let anyone one dictate your path. But most of all find someone who loves you. Make sure they open doors for you. Make sure they hold your hand. Make sure they tell you how beautiful you are every day. They should take care of you when you're sick, sad, mad, and stressed. Whoever it is must treat you like a queen, because… that's what I would do.

Good-by Regina…

E

Salty hot tears hit the hand written line paper as she red over the words then glanced at the pink plus sign. Regina couldn't hold them back any longer.