Title: Little Blue Riding Hood
Rating: PG
Summary: Little Blue Riding Hood goes to visit his grandmother.
Warnings: Little Red Riding Hood AU. This fic will most likely disturb you in ways you have never been disturbed before, mostly through the insanity and the retardation.
Notes: Implications were made. If you think those implications were implying what you think they were implying, you are most likely right.

Once upon a time there lived in a certain village a young lad, the prettiest creature who was ever seen. He had a little sister who he doted on excessively. He also had a grandmother who loved him greatly, but always ordered him to cook many meals for her. Whenever the boy left his house, he would don a lovely blue riding hood that he had made all by himself. The blue of his riding hood matched his eyes so well, all the villagers called him Little Blue Riding Hood.

One day, Little Blue Riding Hood decided to visit his grandmother. It had been some time since the boy last saw her, and he missed her dearly. Decision made, Little Blue Riding Hood baked a cake and took two bottles of wine from the pantry, because grandmother always drank wine faster than all other people. When the basket was packed, the boy hugged his little sister goodbye.

"Kimihiro-kun," the little sister handed him a piece of paper folded into the shape of a butterfly. "Grandmother sent a message saying when you visit, you should wear that dress she gave you."

Little Blue Riding Hood did not want to wear the horrible dress his grandmother sent him, but he was a sweet and obedient child, so he wore it. After all, it would not do to be subject to his grandmother's wrath.

"Have a good time, Kimihiro-kun," said the little sister. "Tell Grandmother I love her."

Little Blue Riding Hood set out to meet his grandmother, who lived in a house in the forest.

In the forest, Little Blue Riding Hood saw some lovely flowers at the edge of the road, so he picked a little bouquet to decorate his grandmother's dining table with.

Turning around to put his bouquet into the basket, the boy came face to face with a wolf. The wolf thought Little Blue Riding Hood looked quite tasty, but he dared not scare the boy off.

"Oi. Why are you here?" The wolf asked.

Little Blue Riding Hood was quite insulted. "How rude! Did no one teach you to greet others properly? You just felt like bothering me, didn't you? Well for your information, I have to visit my grandmother, so goodbye!"

With that, Little Blue Riding Hood stomped down the path to his grandmother's house, the ruffles of his dress flouncing behind him.

After being distracted by some butterflies, Little Blue Riding Hood arrived an hour late to his grandmother's house. He knocked at the door.

"Who's there?"

Little Blue Riding Hood thought it was strange that his grandmother had such a deep voice, but decided she was probably drunk. "It's Little Blue Riding Hood. I've baked a cake and brought some wine for you."

The wolf answered. "Come in."

Little Blue Riding Hood opened the door and entered.

With one sweep of his eyes, the boy could tell his grandmother had not bothered to clean up in a while. Cups and bowls laid abandoned on the dining table, and several empty wine bottles surrounded the couch.

Little Blue Riding Hood took off his hood and folded it neatly on a chair. The basket was placed on the folded hood and the boy began clearing the table. "Grandmother Yuuko, how many times have I told you to clean up after yourself?" He turned to give the wolf a stern lecture, but started at the sight.

"Grandmother Yuuko, you look different today."

The wolf pulled the blanket up to his chin and spoke, "I drank too much yesterday, and the bed is cold. Come warm the bed for me, child."

Little Blue Riding Hood took off his shoes and climbed into the bed. So close to the wolf, he could see there was definitely something strange.

"Grandmother Yuuko, what short hair you have!"

"All the better to move around in, child."

"Grandmother Yuuko, what big ears you have!"

"All the better to hear with, child."

"Grandmother Yuuko, what small and yellow eyes you have!"

"…I had trouble sleeping, child."

"Grandmother Yuuko, what strong arms you have!"

"All the better to hold you with, child."

"Grandmother Yuuko, what a red tongue you have!"

"All the better to taste you with, child."

Little Blue Riding Hood realized with growing horror that this was not his grandmother, but the wolf he had met out in the forest. He started crawling out of the bed. "Grandmother Yuuko, I must weed the garden, and you need your sleep."

A strong arm looped around his waist and pulled him back. The wolf's deep voice rumbled against his ear and a large hand rested against his thigh. "But I haven't had lunch yet."

Little Blue Riding Hood squeaked.

When Grandmother Yuuko came home from a long walk with her little helpers, she found laundry airing outside and the garden weeded and trimmed to perfection. From inside the house, she could hear her beloved grandson yelling at the top of his lungs. Opening the door, the grandmother found all visible surfaces, and probably some invisible surfaces too, sparkling with cleanliness. And in the middle of that sparkling cleanliness was her grandson, looking quite disheveled. He was waving his arms and berating a wolf in a voice that could be heard all over the forest.

"My dear Kimihiro!" Grandmother Yuuko smiled in delight. Her preparations had not been in vain. "I see you've met Doumeki-kun!"

Little Blue Riding Hood halted his tirade. "Grandmother Yuuko!" He gestured angrily at the wolf. "Grandmother Yuuko! This wolf, he- Doumeki- Doumeki? You mean you know him?"

The wolf pressed his large ears flat against his head. "Too noisy. I told you we were acquaintances." He leaned in close to Little Blue Riding Hood. "You look cute. Blush more. Like when we did that."

Grandmother Yuuko chortled knowingly at Little Blue Riding Hood's indignant shriek. "Oho, was my adorable grandson being naughty, Doumeki-kun?"

"Being naughty, being naughty!" Her little helpers chimed.

Little Blue Riding Hood let out another indignant shriek, and the wolf said, "Yes."

The grandmother sighed melodramatically and petted her grandson's hair. "My dear grandson. You see, yesterday, Doumeki-kun came to me to solve a pressing problem for him." She patted his cheek and grinned. "He was looking for a wife, a wife who was good at cleaning and cooking, a wife who could entertain him and make his days less boring." The grandmother tittered. "My dear Kimihiro, all grown up and married!"

"What? I- What?" Little Blue Riding Hood was quite lost for words.

Grandmother Yuuko laughed in delight and clapped her hands. "Now then, let's celebrate this lovely union with the cake and wine you brought!"

Far away in the village, Little Blue Riding Hood's little sister glanced in the direction of the forest and wondered if someone had screamed.

AN: I can't believe I wrote this. Anyway, apparently FF hates it if I put a question mark and an exclamation mark together, so it forces me to put either one or the other. Which is retarded.

I want to draw accompanying pic and then turn this into doujinshi lol.