Take the Dentist, Not the Rum!

BY: Shy Pirate Lass

"We're devils, we're black sheep, we're really bad eggs, drink up me 'earties yo ho! Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me!" Everyone in the bar chorused. Jack stood on the table, bottle of rum in one hand, two bottles in the other. He was jumping from table to table, drinking madly, singing out of tune, and very tipsy. He was obviously drunk. There were six empty bottles of rum on the floor, four bottles of grog, and one lone bottle of ale.

"COME YOU GUYS, I KNOW YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT! We pillage, and plunder, and rifle, and loot. Drink up me 'earties yo ho! Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me!" Jack got off the table and went to get himself another grog and rum but he was stopped by no one other than his first mate, Anamaria.

"Oye! 'ello, love! Ye 'avin' a good time?" He asked as he tried to go around her, but she kept blocking his way.

"Not really, Jack." She blocked his way again when he tried to go to the left of her. Then, he tried going to the right. She stood in the way.

"Love, ye gotta move. I need…"He tried to go left again. She blocked. "…to get…" He tried to go under her. She closed her legs. "…more rum." He finished, trying to see if pushing her down to go over her would work. It didn't.

"Jack, you've had fifteen drinks. Time to go to the Pearl." She pushed him backwards towards the exit. But just as they were almost there, the door burst open to reveal a short bulky looking man.

"Hey everybody, listen up!" He said. Everyone stopped what he or she was doing so they could see what the man had to say. "The baker just informed me that he has hundreds of pounds of extra dough left. He said we're welcome to have it because he has nowhere else t' store it. SO COME ON AND FOLLOW ME!" Everyone in the bar looked at him for a second but just went back to what they were previously doing. On the other hand Jack's eyes were as wide as saucers.

"Jack?" Ana asked. "What's wrong with you? Your eyes look as wide as the tables in here."

"Jack?" The other man asked, shocked. "Jack Sparrow? 'S that really you?" He walked over to the two pirates.

"Yes, it's me Larry. But I just thought of something we could do with that dough. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

The other man, Larry was his name, looked at Jack with his eyes huge as well. Then at the same time they said, "SUGAR-COATED DOUGHBALLS!" They then ran towards Mickey's Baker Shop. It wasn't that far from where they were. Maybe about one or two blocks away from The Faithful Bride, which they were already nearing. Anamaria was confused. "Wait! Wait! What in blue blazes is a sugar-coated dough ball?" But the two men just continued to speed down the road, not really paying any mind to the confused pirate lass. About twenty minutes later, the three of them arrived at their destination. Mickey's Baker Shop really was a gigantic shop. Ana was surprised that Mickey couldn't find any place to put some good-for-nothing dough. Jack and Larry ran into the huge place without even bothering to close the door.

"We're here."

"Where's that dough?"

"Oh no. Did someone take it?"

"NO! THAT CAN'T BE POSSIBLE!"

"Probable."

"Who cares? WHERE'S THE DOUGH, MICKEY!"

Larry laughed at the two of the two excited pirates. "Guys, calm down. No one took your treasure. Follow me, mates, and lass."

Ana rolled her eyes but followed anyway. The four of them went through a large, brown, concealed door. When they walked into the room, there were about a million bags of dough in there! "Sadly," Mickey said. "I have nowhere to put this wonderful dough but I don't want it to rot, so I need you to get rid of it for me."

"No problem!" Larry and Jack said in unison before diving into the room and tearing open the bags.

"Wait. Why don't you just leave it in here? There's obviously enough space." Ana asked.

"Because, lass, this is my office. Did you not read the sign on the front that read 'Mickey's Office. Keep Out?"

"Oh."

"HEY MICKEY! Do you have any rum and sugar? Me and Jack want to make sugar-coated dough balls."

Mickey smiled. "O' course I do. 'Tis in that cabinet behind you're head."

Larry opened the cabinet and yelled. "SCORE!" He opened the large bucket of sugar and set it in the middle of the room so he and Jack could have access to it. Then, he tossed Jack a bottle of rum and cup. They poured the beverage in the cup, added sugar to it, rolled the dough into balls, smothered it in the sugar from the bucket, and ate it.

Ana stared at them as the two males had themselves a contest to see who could eat the most dough in one minute. Jack could eat eight but Larry could only eat five. Then, once all the dough was eaten and the sugar bucket was halfway gone, the two men drank the sugared rum, screamed the words THAT WAS AWESOME, and then passed out. Ana and Mickey laughed before dragging them both out of the shop so that Mickey could close up for the night.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

The next morning, Jack woke up to the feeling of moving under him, he was obviously on a ship, he had a major headache, and an agonizing toothache. He groaned in pain as he held his left cheek. 'What in blue blazes-' But before Jack could finish his thought, the door opened and revealed Mr. Gibbs.

"Mornin', Cap'n. How ye feelin'?"

"Like someone's-OW-stabbing me in me gums with a bloody-OW-dagger!"

"I see. Ana told me what you and Larry did yesterday. You guys are one o' the childish pair of 30-year-old brothers I've e'er met."

"'S 'at a compliment, Gibbs?" He hissed in pain, still holding his cheek.

Gibbs laughed and left, only to reveal Anamaria a minute later.

"Hello, my dear Captain." She smiled.

"Don't start, Ana."

"What? 'S the poor baby in pain?" She cooed in the babiest voice she could muster. She was rewarded with a glare. So, she smiled and walked over to him. "At least open your mouth so I can see it." Jack looked at her as if he didn't trust her. "Please?" She asked. He just stared at her. She rose her hand to slapped him, which caused him to cower and say, "No n-" Before he could finish, Ana grabbed his mouth, opened it, and took a look. After taking a look in her captain's mouth, she came up with her answer. "Jack, I need to take you to the dentist's office. You have a cavity, love." But before Jack had the chance to answer, Ana grabbed his arm and pushed him down the gangplank and towards the nearby dentist office. And after she had told him that he wouldn't be able to have any rum and decided to take all of it, Jack protested and struggled the whole way.

"I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go!" He yelled trying to pry her strong grip from his forearm.

"JACK! Stop actin' like a baby and come on!"

"NO!" He protested as he tried pulling her towards the Pearl. "YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! I don' wanna! I don' wanna! I don' wanna!" His whining didn't work because they were finally at their destination. "Ana, you don't understand. I've had bad experiences with people in the medical field: doctors, chiropractors, all the octers."

"No way. Even crazoprocters?"

"Yeah! How did you know?"

"A), crazoprocter is not a word and B), if it was, I'd be that you've been there more than once." She said as he glared. They entered a small building that read the words: Dentist Office on the door. Hey, it's Tortuga, what did you expect, a specific name?

"Hello? Doctor McClendon?" Ana called the dentist. A few moments later, a tall gray-haired man with glasses and a dirty beard came into the room.

"Ah. Hello there, Anamaria. What can I do for you today?"

"My friend here-" She said pointing in the direction where Jack should have been.

"What friend?" Dr. McClendon interrupted. Ana turned around only to see that Jack was, indeed, not there. "JACK!" A black haired man's head peaked around from behind the large red couch. He smiled.

"JACK! COME OVER HERE NOW!" Ana commanded. Jack did his famous kicked puppy look, which usually always gets Ana to give in. Unfortunately, that didn't work this time. She walked over to her cowering captain and squatted down to look at him. "Jack, you are the Captain Jack Sparrow. You've killed the unkillable, you've been hung and lived to tell the tale, and you've come face-to-face with death multiple times."

"Well, technically-"

"It doesn't matter. The point is, are ye gonna let some stupid fear of dentists change your title from Captain Jack Sparrow to Captain Coward Chicken?" Jack was about to say that the odd title had a nice ring to it, but he just shook his head no when he saw Ana's piercing glare. "Good. Now come on. Plus, it's your fault. Nobody forced you to eat billions of sugar-covered dough balls and rum. So get yer butt in there 'fore I yank tha' tooth out meself, savvy?" He nodded and went into the office.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

One hour later, Jack came back into the waiting room where Ana was sitting and writing in her journal. "I hope yer happy." Jack's words were accompanied by flying spittle. When Ana looked up at him, she saw why, and it made her laugh. Jack's whole left cheek was swollen to about the size of her fist, he had a white cloth tied around his head, and it made his face look fat and made it look like he could only see out of his right eye.

"Shut-up, Ana."

She continued to laugh. "Jack, hasn't anyone ever told to say it not spray it? Oh, by the way, you look lovely, the cloth really brings out the brown in yer eyes." Jack glared.

"Can we please just leave?" Jack asked.

Ana giggled. "Sure, Captain."

As the captain and first mate headed back to the Black Pearl, Jack said one more thing. "But next time, love, take the dentist, not the rum."

Author's Note: See, this is what happens when you're bored on a Saturday morning. Well, I hope you liked it. Please, please, please leave a review. Oh, for all of you who like this story, I'm not going to continue it. Sorry! It's a one-shot and it's going to stay a one-shot, no matter how much you beg and plead and make Jack's kicked puppy look. See you later, mates! wink