VENTING (4X20)

23:02 Incoming Message, From: Severide:

ROOF IN 20M?

23:03 Incoming Message, From: Casey:

SURE

..

Casey knows what such an invitation, at this hour, after shift, entails. It means Kelly needs to vent. It means he'd failed to or avoided erasing his condition at Molly's and/or couldn't find or avoided looking for a partner of the opposite sex to the same end. It means he's in pain. It means he needs Casey, in a way he very rarely allows himself to need anyone. And Casey is more than happy to be there, to be that person for Severide, to be allowed to experience Severide in a way that almost no one else got to.

He has a pretty good idea what it is that's paining Kelly, had seen him struggle throughout the day with hiding the truth from JJ, distracting him while his mother was fighting for justice and her life. He could see the weight on Kelly's shoulders, the effort it had taken to support the boy and keep a strong posture and he was astounded at Kelly's composure. Only at one point did it seem Kelly might let something loose, that something might spill out, but with a quick exchange with Casey in Boden's office, he reeled it all back in and held his grip. Now, Matt was guessing, was the time for things to untwine.

When Matt arrives at the roof, he's surprised to find it empty. He was pretty sure Kelly would already be up there taking in the scenery or sprawled on a beach chair downing a beer. The crisp night air, the twinkling lights of the Chicago metropolis and the semi-seclusion of the roof, making this a perfect and private spot to clear their heads and their hearts (not that they'd define it like that. And not that they do it so often. But it's theirs. And they like to think it's only theirs.)

Kelly arrives ten minutes later, bursting through the door, panting, a six-pack in his hand and a worried look in his eyes.

"Sorry, sorry. I stopped to get beer, sorry I'm late, sorry."

"Whoa, okay, Kelly, slow down, it's fine. It's fine."

Matt can feel the fear coming off Kelly as if he was sure Matt would not be there, would have given up and gone by now.

"Come here," Matt says as he approaches Kelly, his arms open slightly to pull Kelly into an embrace.
He wishes to calm Kelly, to ground him, give him back some of the assurance he seems to be missing.
When Kelly reads this as a casual greeting, habitually moving to release from the hold, Matt tightens his arms around him.

"Hey, hey, just wait. Kel, just, stay," he whispers in his ear as he holds him. "You okay?"

Matt asks without releasing his grip, and he can feel Kelly relax into his touch, his hands griping at Matt's shirt.

"Today was shit." Kelly answers into the crook of Matt's shoulder, "from beginning to end. Shit."

"Yes, it was. I'm so sorry, Kelly. You were incredible today. Incredible."

And with the last word he tightens his hold on Kelly, even more, trying to portray the impact Kelly has on him or convince him of his merits.

.

"We weren't even together," Kelly says as he eventually pulls away from Matt, something in the ease of their proximity making him uncomfortable.
"Bianca and I, we weren't together. The chemistry was there, the pull, but we didn't, it never got that far. Why does this keep happening Matt?"

"What do you mean?" Matt says as he takes a beer from Kelly and they settle down on the chairs, their faces away from each other, their eyes to the sky.

"Think about it – Bianca, Alex, Jamie, Renee, Shay. Every woman I'm somehow involved with either dies or moves to the other side of the country.
I just can't seem to get a break. And I know what you're thinking, but it wasn't all one-night stands and passing things. It hasn't been for a while now, but I don't think anyone's even noticed. I gave those women what they wanted – help, comfort, security, a let out, sex too yeah, but, I gave it as much of a chance as I could, and they still left.

"They leave, and it's like they take something from me. It's clear to everybody that I'll be fine, I'll go on, or whatever, but then I need to start over again, and I don't know, I don't know if I have the energy to keep doing it. I just… I look at you and Dawson, the way you're there for each other, the way you support each other, the way you can just… be, with each other, rest, and I just… I haven't had that since, since, Shay. And I don't know why, why don't I deserve that."

"Of course you deserve it, Kelly. And you'll find it, you just need to-"

"Need to what? What, Matt, what am I doing wrong?"

"Nothing Kelly, you're not doing anything wrong. You're doing everything right. But, you're drawn to strong independent women, who won't give up on what they want for you. As much as you won't give up on what you want for them."

"You won't either, and you've made it work,"

"Yeah well, that was luck I guess, and it hasn't all been easy," Matt's tone changes while he speaks.

"I know. Sorry."

They sit in silence for a while, thinking over their conversation.

"I miss Shay." Kelly says suddenly, and Matt can hear the pain in his voice.

"I know you do."

"Everything was easy with Shay."

"No, it wasn't," Matt says lightly, smiling, reminding Kelly not to nostalgically idealize the past and his lost friend, "but maybe that's part of the problem."

"What do you mean?"

"You had the perfect set-up with Shay. You knew you had love and stability with Shay, without the messy scary part of commitment. Then you could go out and have as many flings as you wanted. She gave you the emotional out you're now lacking."

Something in Matt's words rings very accurate in Kelly's ears but something flairs inside him. It's a cheap sum-up of his arrangement with Shay and it makes him angry. He gets up suddenly, walking silently to the edge of the roof, leaning against the low wall, looking at the city. Matt knows to give him time. His analysis might have been too strongly formulated, but he hopes Kelly knows he meant well.

After a couple more minutes, he comes to stand by Kelly. Kelly can feel him by his side but doesn't turn his head.

"I'm not a kid anymore, you know? And it's not about getting married or whatever, I don't care about that, it's just, why am I so easy to leave?"

"You're not Kelly. You know you're not. Each of them is a different story with different circumstances."

"But they all end the same."

"It's not because of you, trust me. People who know you, truly know you, know how dedicated and involved you are, how you can invest yourself in the deepest way.
If things were different, if they could, they would have stayed. Some of them at least. And you'll find it eventually. I have no doubt about it."

They stand in silence for a moment, letting the words sink in, and then Matt turns to stand with his back to the city, his face turned away from Kelly, his eyes to the floor.

"And if I were batting for the other team, Kelly, I'd wouldn't let you out of my sight."

With that he walks away, leaving Kelly with his thoughts. Only when he reaches the door, does Matt turn to look at Kelly, finding Kelly's eyes on him. They hold their gazes for a moment, unspoken prospects running between them before Matt disappears into the building.