Once upon a time there was a completely grown-up young woman who lived in a small rural village in the northernmost section of New York State. Everyone she knew called her Red Riding Hood because of the riding hood of deepest red which she invariably wore wherever she went. So, as the story opens on one fine summer's day, she once again had on her eponymous garment which partially covered her long, curly, chestnut-brown hair. She was also dressed in a blouse of a lighter shade of red, and a black miniskirt cinched with a broad black belt.
She was traipsing through the forest, a small wicker basket held in one hand, on her way to visit her grandmother, who lived in an isolated house all by herself. Red Riding Hood had packed a picnic lunch for the two of them, consisting of some antipasto salad, baked beans, dill pickle spears, shaved cold cuts of honey turkey and corned beef, slices of sharp cheddar cheese, Dijon mustard, a loaf of pumpernickel bread, and an apple pie. One item she made it a point not to pack was a bottle of wine. "For," she had reasoned, somewhat sadly, "one thing the old girl is sure to have plenty of at home is liquor!"
A shadowy face peered at her from around the thick bole of a maple tree. It was The Wolf, and he, seeing that Red Riding Hood was by herself, boldly strode forward onto the path just as she stepped over a large tree branch which had fallen on the ground.
"Where are you heading, Red?" he asked, blocking her way.
"Oh, Wolfy, you startled me!" she replied with a gasp, clutching the picnic basket tightly against her chest.
"Whatcha got in there?" he inquired.
"They're some goodies for my grandmother," she explained.
"Let's have a look," he suggested.
"You know, if I give a loud scream right now the loggers who are working nearby will hear me, and since they pretty much run to burly, oversized guys they probably wouldn't have much trouble beating you up," she informed him.
"Okay, go ahead and call for help," he countered.
"I'll really do it!" she promised.
"Here, I'll start," The Wolf offered. He cupped his paws to his mouth. "Help, help!" he hollered. "Someone save me from this wolf! Help, help!"
Red Riding Hood's eyes narrowed. "What is it you want, anyways?"
"All these paths belong to me," said The Wolf. "If you come around here then you need to pay me the toll!"
"Oh, and to think I left home without bringing any money with me!"
"The toll ain't money," The Wolf told her. "It's one kiss!"
"Oh, is that all?" asked Red Riding Hood innocently. "Just close your eyes, and pucker up, then!"
"R-really?" The Wolf looked astonished for a second, but then complied, and leant forward. "I'm ready whenever you are!" he announced.
"Just a second," she told him. She unhurriedly placed her basket on the forest floor, reached behind for the fallen tree branch, and soundly whacked The Wolf on the head, causing him to drop unconscious to the ground.
"That was unexpectedly easy," she reflected. She tossed the shattered remnants of the tree branch aside, picked up her basket, carefully walked around the prostrate form of the Wolf, and then blithely continued along her way.
The thick skull of The Wolf caused the blow to merely incapacitate him for a couple minutes, and soon he was on his feet once again, none the worse for the experience, except for a slight pain in his head. "And what's a headache or two," he reasoned, "compared to the bliss I'll eventually find in those lips of strawberry wine?"
He quickly wandered off into the trees. "Red's sure to stay on the path," he thought, "so it'll take her some time to get to her grandmother's house, whereas I can zip right along here, and get there before she does. And here it is now!"
He pounded on the door of the small cabin. "Grandma, are you in there?" he shouted, and, receiving no reply, carefully pushed the door open. "Anybody home?" he called out.
There was no reply. "She must've taken the bus over to Hogansburg to play the slots," he said, realizing the house was empty. "Well, that makes things easier for me!"
He might have been less confident of matters had he taken a moment to consider that it was unlikely that Red Riding Hood would be carrying a picnic lunch to her grandmother without being expected. But The Wolf gave no thought to that, and instead hurried into the master bedroom, and stepped inside the spacious walk-in closet.
"I'll just slip on a nightgown, and then crawl into her bed," he planned out. "Now, let's see, where would she keep something like that, anyhow? Ah, this should, um, whew!" he exclaimed as he picked up a pastel-blue silk chemise. "If I'm going to disguise myself as her grandmother then I need something that's going to cover me up a lot more then this!" He rummaged about some more. "Doesn't this old bat have anything that wasn't purchased at Honoria's Mystery?" he fumed in frustration, flinging a rose ruffle slip on top of a translucent black romper teddy.
"Grandma! I'm here!" called out Red Riding Hood.
"It's Red!" thought The Wolf in alarm, deciding to forgo the nightgown. He jumped into bed, and pulled the covers up to his neck. "I'm in my bedroom, dear!" he announced in a falsetto voice.
"Grandma! You look simply awful!" exclaimed Red Riding Hood as she walked in.
"I… had a few too many martinis last night," he explained, knowing somewhat of the grandmother's habits. "And now I'm feeling under the weather. Oh, and I'm so cold! Why don't you hop on in here, and warm me up?"
"Wolfy!" admonished Red Riding Hood, looking shocked. "This story doesn't have a Mature rating! You can't say things like that here!"
"What do you mean, er, I mean, why are you calling me Wolfy when I'm really your sweet old grandmother?"
"Of course you are," agreed Red Riding Hood as she demurely seated herself on a small wooden chair by the side of the bed, and gazed somberly at The Wolf where he lay. "Oh, grandmother, what big lips you have!"
"The better to kiss you, my dear!"
"And grandmother," continued Red Riding Hood, not taking the hint, and pulling one of The Wolf's paws out from under the covers, "what big arms you have!"
"The better to hug you, my dear!"
"And grandmother, what big hands you have!"
"The better to tie you up, my dear!" announced The Wolf, recognizing his cue. He leapt from the bed, and grabbed a length of rope which quite conveniently happened to be lying on the night table, right by the latest issue of Cosmo.
"Eek!" exclaimed Red Riding Hood, but before she could do anything else, whisk, whisk, whisk, The Wolf had her tied to the chair where she sat.
Several loops of rope ran around Red Riding Hood's stomach, pinning her lower arms against her sides. This rope continued around the narrow back of the chair, keeping her from being able to lean too far forward. More loops held her thighs against the seat of the chair, and, finally, her ankles were tied together, and drawn back by a strand of rope which connected them to one of the rear legs of the chair.
"Let me go!" ordered Red Riding Hood as she started jerking herself about.
"Careful!" cautioned the Wolf, as he held out a hand and steadied her. "The way I've got you tied you need to keep still, or else the chair will topple over!"
Red Riding Hood, realizing the truth of his statement, ceased her struggles. "Why are you doing this?" she demanded.
Before he could reply a high-pitched voice interrupted. "Red Riding Home, I'm home!" called out her grandmother.
"Grandma! I'm in your bedroom, and The Wolf has me all tied up!" Red Riding Hood shouted back.
"What do you mean, a wolf has you all tied up?" the grandmother demanded querulously as she entered the bedroom. She was wearing a bright-yellow sundress which showed the excellent figure she still retained despite her advanced years.
"Er, hi Red's grandmother," said The Wolf a bit sheepishly.
"Wolfy!" she exclaimed in delight. "Come here and give granny a great big kiss!"
"Granny, please, control yourself!" he begged as he backed into a corner.
"Ha, ha," laughed Red Riding Hood as she watched her grandmother advance on The Wolf. "How do you like it now that the shoe's on the other foot?" she taunted as one of her high-heels slipped off and clattered onto the floor.
Grandmother grabbed The Wolf in a tight embrace, locking his arms in position, and then leaned forward, pressing her lips against his.
"Woooooooooo-hoooooooooo!" he exclaimed twenty seconds later when Grandmother finally broke the embrace. "Lady, you sure do know how to please a man!"
"I have had some experience," she admitted proudly.
"Hey, um, listen, granny…"
"Oh, please, call me Scarlet," she interrupted.
"Right, Scarlet, hey listen, I heard that those guys, you know, the ones who do that magic act with those albino lions will be performing at the casino tonight. What do you say the two of us head over there for dinner, and catch their show afterwards?"
"I'd say, let's get going!" she replied as she linked his arm around hers.
"I don't believe this!" exclaimed Red Riding Hood. "Here's my own grandmother stealing my boyfriend!"
"What's that dear?" asked Scarlet as she blinked in confusion. "I got the idea from the way you were carrying on that you weren't interested in this fellow."
"Sheesh, grandma, haven't you ever heard of a little thing called 'playing hard to get?'" demanded Red Riding Hood.
"Yes, I have heard of it, but I've never really understood why anyone would do it," confessed Scarlet, being a great believer in the direct approach herself. She found herself in an awkward position, but, as this was her granddaughter, she realized she had to give in. "Very well," she sighed, "I'll just go into the living room, and let the two of you get back to whatever it is you're doing."
"Wait Scarlet, it's not like that," The Wolf tried to explain as he followed her out. "I've been chasing after her for years now, and she's always rejected my advances. I was as surprised as you were when she said that bit about you stealing her boyfriend."
"Perhaps you'd better go back in there, and straighten things out with her," suggested Scarlet.
"I'll do that," he agreed.
"There you are!" exclaimed Red Riding Hood angrily when The Wolf returned. "The first thing you're going to do now is untie me. Then we're going to talk all about our relationship, and why it is that you're so easily distracted by another woman; I mean, I don't see how I can trust you if you're always going to mpfff!"
Her speech suddenly shut off when The Wolf rudely thrust an off-white pillowcase partially into her mouth. "Mpfff, mpfff!" she continued as he pushed more material inside, until her mouth was completely full, and her mpfffing became extremely subdued. Most of the pillowcase was still outside her mouth, so The Wolf tied a large yellow bandana over her mouth and nose to keep it in place, and then tied a red one as well, just in case.
"Mpfff!" said Red Riding Hood as loudly as she could, but even she could hardly hear her effort.
The Wolf quietly closed the bedroom door behind him, and walked back towards Scarlet. "Finished already?" she asked him in surprise.
"Er, well, you see, what happened is," he explained, "while I was in here with you, it seems that one of those lumberjacks passed by, and saw Red all tied up, so he climbed through the open window, and untied her! Then when I came back in there the two of them dashed back out that way together!"
"So Red got rescued from being tied up," murmured Scarlet. "How romantic! I've always wondered what that would be like!"
"And now, how about us going to see those lion tamers?" hinted The Wolf.
"Yes, but perhaps I'd better leave Red a note," said Scarlet, as she hastily scribbled a message on a small piece of paper which she placed on a nail on her front door. "There that's all set."
Dear Red, Am stepping out with The Wolf. Don't expect me back anytime soon. Love, Grandma.
"Oh, um, about that note," started The Wolf, looking concerned.
"Is there something wrong?" asked Scarlet as she planted another of her kisses on him.
"No, it's nothing," he replied. "Let's go!"