I just want to feel

Safe in my own skin

Aya stared down at the little white box on the table, smirking. The box was the kind that come from

the patisserie, the ones with the side flaps. He didn't open it, because he already knew what it was.

I just want to be

Happy again

"Oh, Aya-chan," he sighed, letting one hand drop to the table's surface and at the same time

dropping the smirk off his lips. "Why? Why did you need to do… this? Of all things, you should

have known…" His other hand buried itself in his blood-red hair, and his eyes slitted.

I just want to feel

Deep in my own world

But I'm so lonely I don't even wanna be with myself anymore

 "You should have known, Aya, you baka," he muttered to himself. Violet eyes glanced down

again at the innocent object on the table. One pale, long-fingered hand reached out to grasp

lightly at the edge of the box's top, fingering the smooth, white surface for a few seconds.

On a different take

If I was safe in my own skin

Then I wouldn't feel

Lost and so frightened

Suddenly, Aya jerked it up, hard enough to topple the delicate box over backwards, tumbling

the object inside onto the tabletop.  Aya sank so that he was crouching level with the table,

chin in hand. He regarded the box, its tissue paper falling out in disarray, and the dark brown

of chocolate gleaming almost out of sight. Toying with his hair,  he wondered what to do with

the thing, and pulled the piece of tissue it was lying on towards himself. Soon Ken and Omi

would be finished in the shop, and Youji was already in the shower. Aya-chan had gone out

with some friends that morning, she wouldn't be coming back to the apartment or the shop for

a few more hours. Aya was sure it was she who left the box on his pillow that morning.

But this is today

And I'm lost in my own skin

And I'm so lonely I don't even wanna be with myself anymore

Then Aya planted his gaze on the top of the cast-chocolate heart in front of him. The words,

"I love you," were written in white frosting on top, in handwriting that didn't look like Aya's,

so she must have had the people at the shop do it. The frosting had smeared, and he rubbed

absently at the drying sugariness of it, trying to think of what to do.

I can't just eat it- that would be disrespectful. But what can I do? Those words- they don't

belong in my vocabulary any more. She may love me, but- I can never ever return that, those

words. I'm not fit to be loved by her. It's like there is a hole in my heart, where the words,

"I love you," would come from. Does one become inhuman when one can't say those words?

Do I have any shreds of humanity left, any shreds of my soul left that would be fit to give to

someone? I don't thinks so; I think I've already sullied my existence forever. I really don't

have anything I can give anyone, without staining them, too.  I don't think I will even get another

chance to live- No, I've killed too many for that kind of redemption. My redemption lies in that

I must live within myself. I can't go insane, I never will, no matter to what extents I am pushed.

That is my punishment, my eternal duty to others.

And I'm so lonely I don't even wanna be with myself anymore

Aya reached out, intending to break the heart to pieces, but something stopped him. It wasn't

that he felt that he actually deserved the heart, but-- It was just the words that bothered him.

I have a heart- it's just… shredded and stained," he mused aloud to himself.

And Aya resumed rubbing at the frosting, wearing the white sugar away slowly.

And I feel safe…

Oohhhh….

I feel…

Aya licked his finger and rubbed at the last remnants of the word, "love," the chocolate getting

a bit gooey under the tip of his warm finger. Now there was only the heart. Only the sad remains

of chocolate… A shredded and stained heart too broken by Death to give or receive love.

And I'm so lonely I don't even wanna be with myself anymore

"What happens, I wonder," Aya said to himself, "when one doesn't have any self-respect anymore?

Do you waste away and die? Or is the love of others sufficient to… keep one alive?"

I just want to feel

Safe in my own skin

I just want to feel

Happy again…

Author's Notes: This fic is an ongoing songfic--- the original song, this one, is by Dido. It's called

"Honestly O.K." There will be other songs incorporated--- in the next one, there's part of a song

by an unknown Russian techno group that I call "Robot," and part of Rammstein's "Stripped,"

which is in English. (no, I didn't use a translation! ^^) Also--- this is a repost, because I haven't

written or updated for so long. SO I thought I should update the whole thing, including my author's note! Yay!

Just so you know, ***extreme gratitude to nekojita for getting me up off my ass and writing again! Arigatou!!!!***