Chasing Dreams
Wesley spends his snatched moments chasing dreams. Now that Buffy and her friends have left for Cleveland, he has more time on his hands. He no longer has to entertain Dawn and Andrew or discuss the new Slayers in LA with Buffy. He misses it, but he's grateful for the time to spend deciphering his dreams.
At least he thinks they're dreams.
Sometimes, there's a flash of a memory. A baby, a teenage boy and the cold sea. But they have to be dreams because Wesley doesn't know any babies and the only teenager he knows is Dawn, and Andrew bears no resemblance to the angry teenage boy in his mind. Sometimes, when he's thinking, he traces his finger along his neck and with a jolt of déjà vu, he remembers cold steel, pain and hot blood. But it can't be a memory - he has never had a neck injury.
Angel saw him doing it once and Wesley thought there was fear in his eyes. So he wonders if these memories are just snatched moments from almost forgotten dreams. But he thinks they could be something more.
And he's positive that Lilah Morgan knows something. He rarely sees her. Occasionally she'll drop by to hand him some new file of information, but there's never any real conversation. Wesley doesn't see the point, he barely knew her when she was alive, there's not much to say now that she's dead.
But there's something in her eyes that he can't place. Something that says he knew her, there's some feeling there in those eyes. There's a faint smile on her lips when she sees him. But he can't for the life of him think why and he doesn't know why he thinks it's something to do with the dreams.
Some days he considers asking her and trawls the building for her. He's not entirely sure what she is, she's not a ghost, he's quite sure of that. She's also not a zombie or vampire. So he has no idea where she may spend her days. He wants to know how she got that angry wound on her neck; he wants to know what she remembers that he can't.
But he always gives up, knowing - though not sure how - that she wouldn't give him a straight answer and he would be left frustrated and furious.
He does know that all of this has something to do with Angel.
He has known the vampire long enough to realise when Angel is just brooding and when there's more to it. He knows that whatever is going through Angel's mind these days has more to do with events of a recent past instead of things he did centuries ago. At first, Wes thought Angel was mourning the loss of Cordelia. He thinks that Angel and himself feel her loss more than anyone.
Wes knows he was not one of the original three, but he does know he was part of the original family. He, Angel and Cordelia were more than friends and work colleagues. They were a family and by God, Wes misses those days. He misses Cordelia, for she was the one that held them all together, gave advice, hugs and love and Wes misses her.
So he clings to Angel.
He craves Angel's friendship, some small sign that he is not the only one that spends hours at Cordelia's bedside, begging her to wake up. Angel is the only one left from the good old days and Wes wishes they could go back because he thinks if he could just talk to Cordy, everything would be fine. She would know what's going on.
But Wes doesn't.
He knows why Cordy won't wake up, but he can't seem to remember how it happened. He doubts any of them can. Except Angel. He's sure Angel knows, but Angel isn't talking.
And Wes wishes he would.
Angel regrets his decision. It shows what a bad father he was. He had to give his son up to total strangers for him to be happy. That's Angel's fault. If he could have shown Connor, got through to him… But it was never going to be that way. Everything had been planned, according to Skip; right from Cordy getting the visions in the first place. Everything went the way it was supposed to. Well, except for the part where Jasmine was stopped.
Wes remembers something, Angel's sure of it. He's watched him searching the Wolfram and Hart building for Lilah, looking for answers. He doesn't remember anything about being with Lilah, Angel knows that. But he also knows that Wes remembers something and if there's one thing Wes hates, it's a mystery he can't solve. He won't rest until he knows what's going on.
Angel almost admires that.
Angel tries to avoid him most days. But Wes has always been stubborn. Though Angel thinks that Wes wants something more than answers. He misses Cordelia and Angel knows the feeling. They were the first three. Well, not Wesley, but he was one of the original members of the team, one of the first members of the family. It strikes Angel that they wouldn't call themselves a family if Cordy hadn't said it. Angel cares about Fred and Gunn, but they are different. Fred is a different presence to Cordy, just as Gunn offers the group something different to Wesley.
Angel wishes he could talk to Wes.
He misses the days they would spend chatting, joking and grumbling about Cordy's young and carefree filing system. He misses the days when he felt he could talk to Wes about anything. He wants to talk to Wes, tell him about Connor, about why Cordy's asleep and will probably never wake up.
Lately, Wes has been looking like the old Wesley. A man searching for his place, hurt at being shut out, yet loyal and loving. Angel knows that it's his fault, that if he only stopped avoiding him, Wes wouldn't look like that.
But he can't.
By removing Connor from their lives, he changed people. Fred and Gunn are together again, because in their minds, there was no strain put on their relationship by Angel's absence at Connor's hands. Wes is no longer cold and distant, though the efficiency he cultivated in his time away from Angel Investigations remains. Lorne can't remember why he went to Las Vegas. He calls it a lapse in judgement, but Angel knows he left because of Connor.
So Angel can't tell Wes anything, he can't answer his questions. He knows that Wes might hate him for taking away some part of them all and Angel can't risk that. He can't tell Wes anything.
But Angel wishes he could.
Jasmine grows in the tiny garden of the hotel. Wes can't remember why, but the landlord kicked him out of his apartment. Something about the rent not being paid for weeks while Wes was off gallivanting. So Wes has been staying at the hotel with Angel, Fred, Gunn and Lorne.
There's something about jasmine that makes him happy. Not the kind of happy he's used to. It's a lazy happy, that closes off his mind until he forces himself back to alertness because he's terrified that if he slips into that bliss, he'll never find his way out. He can't think why it scares him so much.
He settles on the bench in the garden and leans back to study the sky. He can't see many stars and it's a shame, he remembers learning the constellations as a young boy and being able to name every one of them. But his father was always far from impressed.
He thinks he's going mad. There's too much in his head, too many contradictions and Wes is finding it hard to tell the difference between what's real and what's not. And he's scared that the gaps, the things he doesn't know are the only places with the answers. Yet, the emptiness where knowing should be feels familiar.
He wonders if this emptiness is a better alternative than the memories. But what could be that bad?
He knows there's only one person who might be able to save him from this wondering madness, but that person is studiously avoiding him.
Except, tonight, he isn't.
Wes looks up and Angel's staring down at him, Wes doesn't say a word, he shifts on the bench, a silent invitation for Angel to sit down and he does so. Wes remains quiet, allowing the vampire to open up in his own time. It takes a while, but open up he does.
Angel tells Wes everything.
About Darla and Connor.
About the prophecy, about the hospital, about Wes's ill-fated relationship with Lilah.
He says that Wesley saved him from his watery grave.
He tells him about the Beast, Jasmine, Cordy's involvement.
He fills him in on Jasmine and the joy, the reason they now have Wolfram and Hart.
It feels like it makes sense. But Wes finds that knowing everything is even harder when you can't remember. He wants details, wishes more than anything he could remember the feelings. What it felt like to be outside of this family, what being with Lilah felt like. He wishes he could remember if he loved Lilah or not. But he can't. He can't remember any of it.
Wes knows he should be angry, Angel took away part of him and all the others. But the vampire looks so dejected, so miserable and lonely, that it echoes inside him, like Wes understands, but can't quite remember how. Angel looks so lost and alone that Wes can't bear to be angry with him.
He's no Cordelia and he's probably very bad at comforting people, but he touches Angel's arm with a smile. He had planned on telling Angel that it was ok. That it was fine. He was the only one suffering any adverse effects from it, the others don't seem to mind, if anything, by removing parts of their memories, Angel has helped Fred and Gunn get back together and be happy.
He wanted to say that Angel did the right thing for his son.
But the words don't come and Angel looks at him. And before Wes knows it, he has leaned across and is softly kissing the vampire in reassurance. It's a chaste kiss, a brief brushing of lips and he's fairly sure that it was a stupid thing to do. But he's also fairly sure Angel liked it because his arm slides around Wes's waist and pulls him closer, kissing him, pushing away the fear Wes felt at ruining a friendship.
And as they kiss, Wes remembers.
Love, adoration, panic, fear, uncertainty, pain, loneliness, hate, loathing, ecstasy, need, strength, joy.
It's all there.
Wes remembers every little thing, all the gory details.
And he knows for certain now that he should hate Angel for taking away events so important in his life.
But he doesn't.
He thinks it might be because despite everything, his betrayals and Angel's, this was all he ever wanted.
And it feels good.
The End.