"Oh you've got to be kidding me!" Clint groaned, flinging popcorn at the TV, the kernel bouncing off the forehead of one of the characters on the screen. "What kind of assassin are you? You can't hit the broad side of a barn!"
"He's a terrible shot," Natasha agreed with disdain. "If anyone deserves to be eaten, it's him. Stark how can you be entertained by this?" She turned to Tony with a mildly perplexed expression, neither annoyed nor repulsed. The billionaire never met her eye, his attention fixated on the TV screen, his legs folded in front of him as he sat in the middle of the sofa, his hand wandering into Bruce's popcorn bowl. The scientist's attention shifted from the TV to his friend and back again, almost like a pendulum, his expression giving the vaguest indication that he was worried for Tony's sanity.
"Are you kidding me?" Tony demanded, flapping a hand at the screen. "This is cinema gold, they should be covering this shit in college film classes!" On screen the would-be assassin finally got off a clean shot at the truck driver and the truck immediately rolled, sliding down the embankment.
"I'm not a physicist but I don't think incapacitating the driver will automatically roll a vehicle," Steve observed with a bewildered frown, looking distinctly baffled on Tony's other side. Granted, confused discomfort seemed to be a regular fixture of his personality most days. He cringed, pressing deeper into the sofa and pulling his own popcorn bowl tighter to his chest.
"I am a physicist," Bruce shrugged. "I can say with confidence; it's scientifically inaccurate."
"Of course it's scientifically inaccurate!" Tony fumed in frustration. "It's a kaiju movie!" Steve bit back a laugh, making amused eye contact with Bruce over Tony's head. Banner only shook his head, trying to focus on the movie.
Movie nights had become a fixture of Avengers tower. They never adhered to any set schedule but they happened often enough to be considered regular occurrences. They'd begun as Clint's attempt to drag Steve into the twenty first century and had, mercifully, extended to Tony valiantly trying to make him feel less disconnected from his new reality by digging up Stark's favorite old movies under the guise of a pop culture history lesson. Tony loved old movies and Steve was really kind of grateful for the taste of the familiar. Sometimes, however, even he struggled with the films Tony picked.
"Psychic roses and Nuclear Bacteria. None of this makes sense," Clint whined from his spot on the floor at Natasha's feet. Everyone ignored him, Natasha included. She didn't appear to be making any more sense of it than he was but she seemed more willing to tolerate it.
"I find it a most compelling tale of adventure," Thor declared from his spot in the middle of the rug. Clint let out an exasperated sigh. Thor was just like that, it never mattered to him how bad the special effects or how unbelievable the premise, he'd simply lose himself in the story.
"This is going to be just like Toy Story 3," Natasha shook her head, looking at Thor with a pitying expression. "He cried for days." Bruce sighed, nodding in agreement. They'd had to institute a three week ban on Pixar titles to give the Asgardian time to recover.
"These films are a touchstone of Japanese culture," Phil insisted, his attention seemingly riveted to the TV.
"Have you never seen this one before, Phil?" Bruce asked curiously.
"A half dozen times at least, probably," Phil answered, never looking up. "It's a classic."
"Thank you, Agent!" Tony declared smugly.
"It's painful," Clint insisted, dragging his hands through his hair.
"The films are probably more popular in Japan than Star Wars is here," Phil continued, his attention never straying from the movie. "There are statues and monuments of Godzilla all over the country."
"That's where you disappeared off to when we were in Ginza, wasn't it?" Clint demanded, a teasing expression momentarily lighting his face. Phil blushed faintly.
"I don't understand what Godzilla was doing in the volcano in the first place," Natasha stated finally.
"That's the only thing you don't understand?" Clint demanded.
"They stuck him there in an earlier movie," Tony replied dismissively.
"Which makes about as much sense as the fact that there are more of these movies," Bruce observed, half under his breath. Natasha stifled a laugh.
"Guys, we shouldn't be making fun of Tony and Phil's movie," Steve admonished, though his expression said he would dearly like to offer a slightly more scathing opinion.
"Yeah but everything about this movie is kind of awful," Bruce pointed out apologetically.
"You're supposed to mock it," Tony rolled his eyes. "That's the whole point. The effects are lousy and the monsters look fake, that's part of the charm. The whole fandom is basically built on derision."
"My own world is replete with such tales of strange beasts and desperate struggles," Thor declared watching with thinly veiled glee. "It reminds me much of the great dragon Fafnir."
"And it spits blue fire," Natasha observed, rolling her eyes to hide her smile.
"Radiation," Tony corrected, stealing Steve's popcorn.
"It's back is... lighting up," Steve observed.
"Yeah that's the radiation spike before discharge," Tony explained.
"That makes sense," Bruce stated, his expression declaring the exact opposite.
"I should like to meet this magnificent creature in battle!" Thor insisted enthusiastically.
"I'll be staying clear of the radiation," Bruce informed.
"You should think about learning the whole blue fire move," Natasha advised with a smirk. Bruce winced.
"Yeah, because we really need the Other Guy spewing radiation into our next battle," he countered.
"How's it walking across the ocean?" Clint demanded. "With that much open sea around them, the Continental Shelf shouldn't be anywhere near that shallow. It should be over his head."
"Shhhhh," Tony admonished, waving Clint down. "You're going to miss the really bad explosion." Clint sighed, sprawling out on the floor and staring at the ceiling, shaking his head. Natasha nudged a kick to his arm and he swatted her in reply.
"I don't understand," Steve frowned as an arsenal of military hardware rolled toward the bay. "Why are they going to shoot the giant plant? It hasn't done anything, it's just sitting there!"
"He has a point. When someone sneaks into my home I'm completely justified in throttling the life out of them," Natasha shrugged. "What's Rosey done other than bust up a few guys for breaking and entering and then take a relaxing walk along the coast?"
"Humanity fears what it doesn't understand," Phil declared sagely. "It's the underlying commentary of the genre. All classic monster films explore how fear drives us to make the wrong choices."
"It's a movie about a giant radiation monster fighting another giant radiation monster," Tony insisted. "Both of which are played by guys in foam suits."
"When you describe it like that, you make it sound way more fascinating," Clint teased. "I could totally get into this now. Why didn't you say so earlier?"
"You really do not get this, do you?" Tony gave him a pitying look. He jerked a thumb in Steve's direction. "I expect it from the old man, but you? Did you never watch Mystery Science Theater 3000?"
"Why's He trying to kill the flower?" Steve demanded, horrified. "I thought they were... related or something." Tony held out his hands as if Steve were only illustrating his point.
"Looks normal to me," Bruce shrugged.
"Same old family shit," Clint nodded in agreement, holding out his hand for Bruce to slap.
"I could be wrong, but roses don't bleed," Natasha pointed out, making a face.
"But this underwater scene is brilliant," Phil insisted seriously. "They filmed this with lighting and smoke effects, it's not even water. For its period it's an extraordinary use of visual effects."
"Will you please stop enjoying this, professor?" Tony demanded. "You're taking all the fun out of it."
"This is disgusting," Steve's lips curled in distaste. "It's a flower, why does everyone want to destroy it?"
"It's a psychic flower made out of giant lizard DNA and the ashes of a dead girl," Clint rolled his eyes. "Because nothing about that seems like a bad idea."
"Hey! it's better than The Deadly Mantis!" Stark protested.
"The Deadly Mantis is a work of art," Phil insisted.
"Ok, now you're just too into this even for me," Tony admitted with a concerned frown in Phil's direction.
The Assemble Alarm went off.
"Oh you have got to be kidding me!" Tony groaned, letting his head fall back against the sofa.
"JARVIS, kill the movie," Steve ordered, scrambling to parade rest as Phil moved to stand at his shoulder.
"Avengers, we have a situation," Fury's image flickered to life on the screen.
"In the middle of movie night?" Tony demanded as Clint, Natasha and Bruce giggled. Thor just looked keenly disappointed.
"Sorry to interfere with your social life, Stark," Fury mocked. "We're picking up something in the East China Sea about five hundred clicks North East of Taiwan. It's been moving that direction for the last three hours."
"What sort of intel do we have?" Steve asked curiously. "is it mechanical, alien?"
"From what our scans are showing us it's biological," Fury shook his head.
"Really big fish?" Natasha suggested drily.
"I'll fire up the grill," Clint grinned.
"The best guess they can give us is something reptilian," Fury shrugged. Tony snapped up, his eyes wide with horror.
"Hell no," he whispered. Steve turned slowly to stare at him with a terrified expression.
"You don't think," his voice trailed off unsteadily.
"No," Tony shook his head emphatically, looking around at the others who look equally alarmed, his eye finally landing on Thor.
"Fuck no!" he insisted, pointing an accusing finger at the grinning Asgardian, but Thor was already on his feet before the words were completely out of his mouth.
"Come my brothers!" Thor crowed in delight. "We go forth to do battle with the great beast of legend!"
"Like hell!" Tony protested, climbing over the back of the sofa to hurry after him, Natasha hot on his heels as Bruce let out a pained groan. Clint merely lay on the floor, staring at the ceiling as if in shock.
"Did I miss something?" Fury asked, his expression clearly unamused.
"No, sir," Steve gulped. "we're on it."
"Let me know when you're in position," Fury ordered, Phil nodded in acknowledgment as the feed died.
"This really can't be happening," Clint insisted. His eyes grew to twice their normal size as Bruce manhandled him to his feet, shoving him toward the door. "We didn't see the end! How does it end?"
"You okay, Cap?" Phil asked hesitantly, the pair of them still unmoving as if frozen to the floor. Steve nodded slowly.
"Phil?"
"Yeah?"
"How is this my life?"
Note:
The film the Avengers are watching is called Godzilla vs. Biollante (1989) and it's a classic of the kaiju genre. The effects are, in fact, horrible, and the story makes absolutely no sense and the monsters are all played by guys in foam rubber suits. It's fantastic.
This story is part of a series called "Coulson Lives but the Avengers Might be the Death of him." The full list of stories and their chronological order can be found on my profile page