Please
He could see him running around their little bedroom hunting for his stuff. He just couldn't believe that all this happened. He could see that he was determined. Determined to go, to leave him, to finally cut the bond that had been connecting them for what felt like an eternity.
"Evan..." He starred at the younger man but he didn't even turned around to look at him. He just stayed silent.
"Evan. We need to talk. You can't just do this. You need to give me a chance. To explain, to make it better... I didn't..." He wiped his hand over his face. "I didn't mean it. You know that. I.. I love..."
"Yeah. See. That is the problem. You never mean it. But still you are doing it again and again. I must have been crazy to think that I could change you. That I could be good enough for you. Well but not anymore." He could see him throwing some shirts in his bag before he moved over to the bedside table to through the drawers.
"Evy..." Suddenly the other man turned around.
"Never ever call me that again. You hear me." Randy was shocked when he saw the look in his eyes. Anger, sadness and pain. All this inflicted by him. Why did he do it? Why couldn't he be a better man?
Evan went through his books which were placed next to his side of the bed. Almost every night he drove Randy almost crazy with his reading, almost every night ended up in a play fight for the book and the light being turned off. Almost every night they would end up in each other's arm caressing each other's skin. Just the memory was almost enough for Randy to break down into tears. Should he really never feel the other man in his arms? Did he really destroy everything?
"Evan, please." His voice was pleading, begging. But he didn't care. He knew that he couldn't be without Evan. Not for one night, for one day. He needed him like the air to breath. He just needed him.
Evan sighed heavily and stopped his packing for a minute.
"Please what? Please forgive me? Please stay? Please be my little punching bag for another few months? No Randy. I can't do this anymore." He almost sounded defeated. Randy could see the strain the whole argument had on his lover. He just wanted to go over and kiss it better. But he knew that he didn't have the right to do so anymore.
"Maybe all of it..." He looked to the floor not able to look at Evan any longer. He knew that he asked for much. He knew that he was a coward, an idiot and incredible hard to life with. But Evan knew all that right from the beginning. He could just hope that his love for him hadn't completely died.
"I can't be your punching bag anymore. I can't be the person who gets it everytime you are upset about something or someone. You just can't say all this things to me every time you like. It hurts. It fucking hurts, you know." Evan let himself fall in the bed next to his bag. Absent mindedly he played with the zip of the bag. "You know that I love you but I just can't take it anymore."
"I can change." Carefully he made a few steps towards the smaller man.
"But you can't..." Evan smiled sadly at Randy. "You just can't. I have heard this promise how many times until now? Ten times? Twenty times? You just can't help yourself."
Randy could feel how his whole world started spinning around. His blood rushed out of his head and he felt strangely light headed. He put his head into his hands before slowly sliding to the floor.
"I can change." His voice was low and deep. It was not more than a whisper. "If that's what it takes to keep you in my life than I will change. I would do everything. You know that, Evan. Everything. Tell me what you need me to do and I will do it. Please." He knew he was begging. He knew he was pathetic. Here he was. The great viper on his knees begging another man for forgiveness. But he didn't care. He just couldn't let him walk out of his life.
"Randy, why are you making this so hard for us? We are not good for each other. You can't control your temper and I have no spin to stand up to you. We are a match made in hell. Can't you see that you need someone else in your life?" Evan looked down at the man in front of him. The lump in his throat just grew bigger and bigger with every second and he had the feeling that he could hardly breath anymore.
"Evan. Please. You know that's not true. You stand up to me. Otherwise you wouldn't just do this. And yes, I have a temper but you know that in the end it always comes back to me loving you. I know I am horrible. I know that I push you away but please, stay with me. You can't just leave me. You can't..." His voice got more desperate with every word he was saying. He could feel the tears building up in his chest and he just slumped a bit further down. He was not able to look at Evan anymore. He just starred to the floor, defeated and lost.
"No Randy. I can't..." He choked away the tears and grabbed his bag.
"Evan, don't leave me. Please. Don't leave me. Without you there is nothing left. Please. Don't leave me..." The tears finally found their way to the surface and his body was shaking from all the sobs. Evan stood still and watched his former lover. He could feel his heart break into tiny little pieces and he was sure that no glue in the world would be able to repair it.
"Evan..." The bag slipped out of his hand and hit the floor with a loud thud. He couldn't move. He wanted to. He wanted to leave this house. He wanted to leave this relationship. He wanted to leave this man. But he just couldn't. Instead he was just standing there seeing how the man who was the most important part of his life crumbled to the floor begging for forgiveness.
"Please, please..." He couldn't take it any longer. He fell to the floor next to his lover and wrapped his arms around him. He didn't know if he was right or if he was just doing the biggest mistake of his life but as he could feel the taller man melting into his embrace he hoped that it was the beginning of something better.