Pissing Off a Terrorist

Warnings:

I would like to make everyone aware that this is a complete and total crackload of fandoms. Virtual pastries for anyone that can name them all!

The most graphic it gets in here is damnit, motherpuppet, shuriken, and a rabid genetically altered fangirl attack.

I snuck into his room that night at 11pm, night vision goggles slipped on and glowing, the most high tech thief equipment wither lipped on my belt or attached to one of my limbs. My neon yellow high tops with glow in the dark orange on my feet, my matching neon and glow in the dark hello kitty bag slung on my back, and my ipod blaring so loud that there was a party being thrown down the hall to the music. I was totally invisible. Even Zetsu would have a hard time finding me.

It took me two hours to collect everything I needed. I loaded it all up in my neon pirate booty bag as I found it. Explosive clay, eye scope, ponytail ties, DONE. I walked over to his artistic corner and grabbed a few lumpy, gooey blobs. I carefully tiptoed over to his bed and placed them under his pillow. Next, I went to his bathroom. I grabbed his conditioner, peeled off the sticker, put it on another bottle I had brought and put the new bottle in the old one's place, putting the old bottle in my pirate booty bag. I went back to his artistic corner and pulled a sledgehammer back in my bag and pulled out some eggshell colored play-doh, putting it in all the places I had found explosive clay. I ran over to the closet, pulling out his black cloak and replacing it with my own special design. I put my bags down over by his door.

I walked back over to my hello kitty bag I had placed by the door with my booty bag. I pulled his eye scope out of one of my bags and a can of spray paint and masking tape out of the other. I quickly set to work, when I finished I put his eye scope back where it had been and put away my equipment in my bag. I pulled a mascara and eyeliner set from the hello kitty bag and placed it on his night stand carefully. I glanced around the room, making sure nothing was disturbed before grabbing my bags and bolting back to my room. By now, the pictures I had been printing out were done. I grabbed the massive stack of printed pictures and a equally massive stack of crayon drawings I had prepared with Tobi. I shoved both stacks into my messenger bag and grabbed both my skateboard and my modified glue gun Sasori had helped me with. I went back to Deidara's room, hid my stuff in an alcove next to his door and checked my ipod before pulling out and ear bud and knocking loudly. It was 2:37am when the door opened.

"HI DEIDEI-KUN!" I screamed the second his mouth opened to say something.

"…hey…ChildishDemon, un…why are you here, un?"

"Is it fun to be uke?"

"How the hell would I know that of all things, un? Go ask Tobi that!"

"You know, you had your wedding ring on the wrong finger this entire week."

"I'M NOT MARRIED, un!"

"But Sasori said he loved you!"

"N-Nani, un?"

"And Gaara said he had a crush on you!"

"B-but I tried to- nani, un?" I started humming the mission impossible theme repeatedly for twenty minutes. "Why are you here anyway, un?"

"Huh? Oh yeah! I just wanted to see if you'd answer." He smacked his head against the doorframe. I waited for ten minutes. "Deidara?"

"What, un?"

"You're a lot like an Iraqi suicide bomber, yeah!" Deidara glared at me before slamming the door in my face. I heard him put on his favorite music before he must've flopped on his bed. I stayed at the door for five minutes making sure he wouldn't get up before I checked my ipod. 3:17am, awesome! I picked up my stuff and got myself ready for the next stage and blasting my music.

I took off on my board and started flinging papers everywhere, using my modified glue gun to attach the crayon drawings to the walls and ceiling. It took me over an hour to cover the entire base and finally checked my ipod for the time. 4:56am I made a hand sign and an explosion went off down the hall. Almost immediately, Deidara's voice could be heard cursing and using very vulgar terms. I smirked and took off towards my room, throwing the glue gun and messenger bag at my door before turning the corner to examine Deidara as he swore. His long blonde hair was a dark brown in some places from being singed and had feathers in it from his pillow. His face had black streaks on it and his top had been completely destroyed. I was proud of myself.

"DeiDei-kun!" I crossed my arms and scowled at him as he growled at me. "Now, do you really think your mother would have approved of that?" Deidara snarled at me and went to choke me. "Want breakfast, yeah?"

"Sure, un…"

"Then get in the shower and get ready for the day, yeah!" I hopped back on my skateboard and went to the kitchen. Itachi would be here any second. I went to set up my ipod. Ever since Weallflyhigh and I showed up at the Akatsuki's base, Itachi had been named chef of the Akatsuki due to my cooking skills after the first three days, Itachi had developed a sixth sense for my presence in any kitchen. I grabbed some things out of the fridge as Itachi ran in in nothing but his boxers and a frilly kiss the cook apron. Weallflyhigh would die if she was here. His hair was a mess as he glared daggers at me and whacked me upside the head with a frying pan like Hungary. I felt like Prussia, awesome and in pain. Itachi shoved me towards the kitchen's island. I pulled myself up on the counter and waited for Deidara to come in. This encounter would be hilarious.

"ChildishDemon, un!" Deidara stormed in with pictures from the hall in his hand with bright pink hair and an even brighter pink cloak and eye scope. I tried to look innocent as Boom Boom blared through the kitchen.

"Dei-chan! What happened to you, yeah?" He tossed some of the pictures at me.

"What did you do this morning, un? You don't sleep, so it had to be you, un!" I flung a SasoDei picture over my shoulder followed by a ItaDei picture that Itachi stole from me before glaring a hole through my head silently.

"You have a sick imagination, yeah." He tossed one of the crayon drawings at me.

"What about this?" I glanced at the chibi drawings of me and Deidara.

"This, I do have to admit was my doing, yeah." He glared at me and growled.

"What about these, un?" He threw an X-rated SasoDei picture, crumbled in a ball at my forehead. I ducked and the paper ball hit Sasori in the face. The puppet-man silently picked it up and uncrumpled it. Deidara and I both paled before Sasori turned murderous. Deidara held up the mascara and eyeliner sets. "Uh, are these yours, Demon, un?" Itachi looked up and started growling when he saw his make-up. Deidara paled even further as the two turned to look at me.

"I have done nothing. Ask Tobi or Zetsu. They can tell you that I was with them, helping to take care of the garden." I silently thanked Jashin-sama that those two were so loyal to me. They would be lying if they said they only saw me once, boarding down the hall, flinging and gluing pictures. I started humming the mission impossible theme. Sasori ripped the picture to bits and Itachi's eyes turned red. Weallflyhigh walked in and raised an eyebrow.

"ChildishDemon, can I talk to you out in the hall for a second?" I took my chance to escape the impending battle and hopped off the island. I walked towards my friend. "Please don't destroy the kitchen, Kakuzu will have all of your heads." The two murderous Akatsuki members quickly subdued and drug Deidara outside to do whatever they were going to do to the poor blonde.

"Yeah?" She glanced at the paper covered hall.

"What did you do?"

"Started Operation: Dive Bomb."

"And you didn't include me?"

"I'm pretty sure you try to kill anything that tries to wake you up and isn't Itachi, your brother, or Kakashi. Would you rather I die trying to get your help, or successfully pull this off without you?"

"Good point….think Tobi can save Deidara?"

"Is there anything my good boy can't do? You'll have to find a way to keep Sasori and Itachi busy for a while though."

"I can do that. Good luck with the rest of the mission."

"Thanks. I'm going to need it. Good luck to you too."

"Thank you." Weallflyhigh walked away from me and turned towards the outdoor training grounds. I smiled yet again.

"TOBI-KUN!" The orange masked ninja of epicness appeared moments later, cloak barely on and hair a total mess. I drooled for a little before snapping out of it. "Hey Tobi!"

"Hi ChildishDemon-chan! You called Tobi? Tobi came right here like a good boy!" I patted his shoulder seeing as I'm too short to reach his head.

"Good boy Tobi! You did so well!" I put my hand on Tobi's mask.

"What the hell do you want from me Demon?"

"Hi Madara! First, I want a hug." He pulled me to him hesitantly, then pushed me away after wrapping his arms around me for a second. I pouted. "Why'd you do that?"

"You bite. Hard."

"Fair enough."

"You wanted something else right?"

"Huh? Oh yeah! Operation: Dive Bomb needs you Mada-kun!" He backed away a little and sighed heavily.

"Which part?"

"Um…well, Itachi and Sasori sorta took Deidara outside because of the X-rated picture and the eyeliner and mascara….Rescue him please? Weallflyhigh is going to occupy them once you get Dei away from them."

"Damnit Demon!" Madara sighed before putting one of his hands on my shoulder. "You totally owe me for this, you know that right?"

"….Yeah….Have fun fetching the suicide bomber!" Madara switched back to Tobi and was gone for ten minutes, during which I hunted down Paopuhearts05, who knows nothing of Naruto and was about to say something. There was a sudden crash and then Tobi shoved both of us through a door way as he bolted past us, several play-doh birds after him, failing to explode. Paopuhearts05 turned to me.

"Why am I even here Childish?"

"Oh, I don't know Paopu. Maybe because you guilt tripped me into it during the study hall we share!"

"Oh. That makes sense."

"Go write about Kairi and Sora now you lazy bum!"

"Alright!" I sighed as Paopu walked away to find her escaped muse, aka: Demyx, as I listened for the oncoming Deidara that was bound to be following Tobi through the base. I stuck my foot out to trip him when I heard him coming. It worked wonderfully. Deidara went flying and somehow managed to land on my bed in my room at the end of the hall with a pillow over his head. I walked over to my room and stood in the doorway.

"DeiDei-kun are you depressed, yeah?" He uncovered his head and pushed some of his loose hair out of his face.

"Someone stole all my hair ties…."

"Go take some of Itachi's, yeah."

"He already thinks I stole his make-up, un! I'm not taking his hair ties! That's suicide, un!" I glanced at his neon pink hair. "Oh yeah, un. Do you know who could have done this?" He picked up a stand of his hair to make sure I knew what he meant.

"Sasori makes sense, yeah. He has access to your room because he's your partner, yeah."

"You're right, un! C'mon."

"Why do I have to go too, yeah?"

"You like our artistic arguments, un."

"True, yeah." I hopped on the now pinkette's back and forced him to give me a piggy back ride to the living room.

"Stop adding yeah to the end of your sentences, un."

"Why, yeah?" I started humming the mission impossible theme, again.

"Because it's annoying, un." Just outside of the living room, I hit play on my magical music box of doom and Dude looks like a lady blared out of my ipod. Deidara stopped walking and almost dropped me. "What the hell, un? Demon are you doing that on purpose?"

"You have no proof."

"Like hell I don't, un!"

"It is funny though." I giggled.

"And that song you keep humming is annoying too, un! Stop it!"

"You know, I think you need speech therapy. I know a guy that could-" Deidara growled at me.

"I'm going to turn you into my art!"

"Art is boring." I felt a pang in my chest. That one had physically hurt to say, Damn.

"ART IS A BANG!"

"NO IT'S NOT!" Another pang. Damnit!

"I'll show you, un!" He reached into his pouch and paused. "Why the hell-" He pulled a clump of play-doh out of his pouch and turned murderous. "Play-doh? PLAY-DOH!" A fiery aura surrounded him as he raged about play-doh. I hesitated.

"SHUT UP YOU STUPID BLONDE, YEAH!" Deidara's attention was on me now. I paled. "Mother puppet…" I took off down the hall screaming my lungs out, only hesitating in screaming to continue my now suicidal mission.

"DEMON, UN!"

"That new cloak of yours really sets off your femininity well, yeah!"

"DEMON!" I ran faster.

"You know, I wonder if the name Deidara commands as much respect as, oh, I don't know, Itachi, The Leader, or Sasori."

"Katsu!" I paled. "Damnit! Play-doh, un!"

"Shuriken!" I jumped Kisame and kept running. "Your sculptures suck!" Deidara growled. "I saw your shirt at Limited Too!"

"You're mine now, un!" I paled and sped up.

"TOBI!" I dodged Konan and Pein-sama before rushing to the staircase that wasn't big enough for him to use his art in. "Black nail polish is sooo last year Deidara, yeah!" This time, he almost got my arm, which caused me to jump a few feet in the air and run faster up the stairs, which is never a good idea. I heard some squealing in the background. I reached the top of the staircase and barely managed to avoid the door suddenly opening in front of me as Tobi burst through it. Tobi grabbed me and pulled me through the door before slamming it shut and barricading it. I stood, bent over panting like a dog for a few minutes. "Why -pant- are you- wheeze- doing that -cough-?"

"Tobi found fangirls in your closet and sent them after Deidara-sempai in the stairwell! They were really rabid! Tobi had to block off the stairs so no one can get hurt!"

"Good boy Tobi!" I wheezed as we stood there, listening to Deidara's tortured screams.

"Does Demon-chan want to go get ice cream?"

"Do we have cookie dough ice cream?"

"Tobi thinks so!" I hopped on Tobi's back, getting a piggy back ride from him to the kitchen. There was no way I could make the trip on my own.

"Onward then!" Two hours passed till we went back to get Deidara. We had decked ourselves out in anti-fan girl gear that surprisingly didn't have an effect on the two fan girls wearing them. Must be because of Western Pennsylvanian weather…either that or Pein-sama's mood swings…not that either has anything to do with repelling fan girls…

"Does ChildishDemon-chan think Deidara-sempai is still alive?"

"The fangirls wouldn't kill him. He's their object of passion right now. Destroying him would be suicide for them."

"But-"

"Tobi. Take down the barricade." I lifted my headpiece up and slid it into position before pressing the magical button for communications. "Sub Mission: FangirlLand is a go! I repeat, Sub Mission: FangirlLand is a go!" I released the button for communication and prepared my weapon. Tobi kicked the door down and I could hear the unholy screeching of the fangirls as they got hit with the other team's weapons. Seems like Hidan was right. Lee and Gai's blood was a very effective fangirl repellant. I didn't even ask as to how he knew that…

"Hey, Demon."

"Yeah?"

"How exactly did you manage to get this many fangirls locked in your closet?"

"Kabuto owed me."

"How did you manage that?"

"You don't want to know."

"I'll take you word for it."

"You remember the shut down sequence right?"

"Yeah. Why did you choose that of all things?"

"Paopuhearts05. Needed something to make her laugh."

"Ah. Any sign of Deidara?"

"Not yet." Suddenly, after sliding down a tunnel that the fangirls had somehow managed to create along with the entire replica of a hive ship below the base, Tobi and I were surrounded by fangirls. I hesitantly lifted my hand to my headset and pressed a button. "Weallflyhigh?"

"What?"

"I think we just found them…" I released the button again and hesitantly lifted my weapon. I felt silly holding a water gun full of blood surrounded by fangirls. I then noticed that the fangirls were drooling and holding bits of Deidara's clothes. "They tore off his clothes…that's not cool." I no move to get them until they noticed I had Tobi with me. I pulled out my ipod and hit the play button before blasting the volume. Axel's voice blared through the cave and the nearby tunnels, making the fangirls poof away into nothing. The three master fangirls remained, however, and I used the ultimate Axel phrase to shut them down. "Got it memorized?"

"That was so cool ChildishDemon-chan!" I glanced at Tobi.

"Put these back where you found them. Carefully. We don't need them running around causing another fangirl versus ninja war. It would be the twelfth one this month. And it's only the fifth!" I watched him work for a bit before going to meet Weallflyhigh at the Wraith conference room. The second I got there, she came on over my headset.

"I found him!"

"Where at?"

"Down the tunnel-slide thing to the left of the conference room." I quickly ran out of the room to follow her directions. I slid down the tunnel and made an epic entrance, before tripping on air and falling on my face. I groaned.

"You are such a klutz CD." I pouted again and sat up, glancing at her epicness in a Belarus cosplay before getting up and almost falling again.

"It's nice to see you too, Weallflyhigh."

"This way." I followed my friend to a temple-like cavern, where a pedestal held the object of the fangirl's affection in a cage, in only his boxers. We both drooled for a moment.

"You know, I really underestimated those fangirls. Kabuto did very well." I walked over to the cage and opened the door. I knelt by the shaking pink-haired mess and tapped his eye scope as Weallflyhigh joined me. "excuse me miss, but I-oh! Hey Deidara, yeah!" He moaned and Weallflyhigh left to bug Kisame and Itachi for a while. Deidara glared at me and shakily got up and lunged at me. I jumped up and bolted the other way, up and out of the tunnel system. I paused for a moment and glanced back when I got to the tops of the stairs. I only looked long enough to see Deidara's murderous aura before I was bolting down the hall towards the kitchen.

"CHILDISHDEMON, UN!"

"I should probably tell you that I volunteered you to be a spokesperson at the Rape Victim Center!"

"DEMON!"

"How'd you get your hair so silky smooth?"

"Family secret! Get back here, un!"

"Cool! YOU'LL NEVER GET ME ALIVE!" I rounded a corner into the kitchen and narrowly avoided an encounter with the frying pan Weallflyhigh was getting for Itachi. Deidara wasn't as lucky as I was however. He managed to hit the frying pan with enough force to knock himself out. I noticed the song blaring from Weallflyhigh's ipod and laughed breathlessly before singing along for a little. "I'm a Barbie girl! In a Barbie world!" I laughed again as Kisame looked at me oddly. "Oh! Hey guys, I keep forgetting to tell you! I'm pregnant with Dei-chan's kid in house! He is so totally my bitch because of it!" Weallflyhigh tried to glare at me before she realized I would never do that to her after that one time with the Deatheaters. I went to kneel beside Deidara and Weallflyhigh joined me again.

"How many more?" She started petting his hair. I joined her.

"Four, but I can't do it. I can't cut off his hair. I mean, I already dyed it pink, so cutting it off would just be cruel."

"Like anything else you've done today hasn't been?"

"None of that counts. It's all for the mission."

"True." I enlisted the help of Kisame to get Deidara to the couch, where I hugged him constantly until he awoke.

"Ugh, un. Can you let go, Demon?"

"But hugs make everything better!"

"But I can't breathe, un!" I loosened my grip, but continued to cling to him for the next hour. "Please let go, un."

"Nope." I kept hugging him until Weallflyhigh walked in with Paopuhearts05 in tow, along with a ton of plushies and a huge stack of DVD's. Paopu went to get popcorn and ice cream while Weallflyhigh set up for our marathon. WAFH turned to us.

"So, Deidara. I heard you're Demon's bitch."

"What, un! I am not!" I got teary eyed and let myself cry hysterically on his chest. He sat stunned for a moment before patting my head and trying to calm me down. "Shh, un. It's okay. Please Demon, un! I-I'm your…bitch. Does that make it better?" I immediately stopped crying and sat up.

"Yup!" I let go of Deidara and got up to run around the couch. "I win! I win! My art wins!" I got away with running around shouting that for a while until Deidara tripped me and I fell…again.

"Little brat! Of all the days ChildishDemon, un!" I rolled onto my back.

"Happy birthday Deidara!" He visibly paled.

"Y-you knew, un?"

"Duh!" I watched him pale even more. "Wasn't your birthday fun?"

"Y-you have to be sadistic, un!" I blinked at him. "You have to be, un!"

"That should be obvious Dei-kun!" Deidara promptly ran out of the room screaming something about demons and his art shelf. "Happy Birthday! Don't look at your artistic wonder shelf!" I started laughing hysterically until Weallflyhigh handed me my Flash plushie and popped in a Black Butler DVD. Paopuhearts05 come walking in with Itachi and Kisame, who both had either popcorn or ice cream with them. Weallflyhigh cuddled up to Itachi and I sat on Kisame's lap. The five of us watched Black Butler completely oblivious to Deidara's mournful crying.

I'd like to thank sasodeioctembuary for writing "50 Ways to Piss Off Deidara" on Deviantart, along with Heartaches-by-the-Number for writing "How to Annoy the Akatsuki". They are both awesome like Prussia.

Special thanks goes to my friends, Weallflyhigh and Paopuhearts05 for appearing in this story…I told them they were in it after I was done writing it, so I have to give them special mention for being okay with that and not screwing me over by making me re-write everything, considering that this is the longest thing I've posted.

I own nothing except the Flash plushie, try taking him away from me and I guarantee you will lose some limbs.

Hope you enjoyed! ~ChildishDemon