Sacrifices

by Living in a fantasy

I had known from an early age that I was going to be something great. I was going to be the best I could be, but to do that I was going to have to make sacrifices. I just wish Matt hadn't died with me...I wish we'd had more time.

AN: Today is a sad day. On this day, Matt and Mello die. After today they are just gone. It is a sad truth. These two have been a huge influence on my life. They are what really got me into writing again. I have put a lot into these characters, so much that they honestly feel real to me now. This is a tribute to them, to two characters that have inspired so many people. They played a very important part in taking Kira down, and should never forget that. To Matt and Mello, may you happily rest in peace.

Disclaimer: If I owned Death Note, this tribute would not be necessary.

/…/…/…/

When I was seven, my life changed forever. My parents were very strict, but they were caring. They only wanted me to be the best I could be. They pushed me, but only because they knew I could be something great. They knew I could be one of the greats, but to do that I had to make sacrifices. To them, this meant not going out to play very often, and not watching television, and studying instead of playing video games. These are the kind of sacrifices they taught me to make. They never could have imagined the sacrifices I would end up making. Maybe if they had they would have pushed me less. Maybe if they had I would have spent more time playing with them than studying.

If they hadn't died I wouldn't have had to make that ultimate sacrifice, but it needed to be made. It was the only way to stop Kira. I won't say I regret my decision because I don't. I knew it needed to be done. But at the same time I couldn't help but question it. Why me? Why did I have to be the one to die?

Why did Matt have to be the one to die with me?

/…/…/…/

It was a cold day when I entered Wammy House. I didn't want to speak to anyone. I went through the motions of the exams, of being placed in a room, and of learning the rules. I didn't yet care about being number one; all I cared about was the fact that I would never see my parents in this life again.

I healed, over time. I realized that my parents had pushed me for a reason. They had wanted me to be the best that I could be, so I would be the best for them. I would be number one and become one of the greats and make them proud in Heaven.

I didn't want any friends; they would only distract me from my goal. I wasn't particularly interested in the other children. None of them could keep up with me academically. The older students resented me for passing them up at such a young age, and my peers and the younger children did not capture my interest. I just studied and worked, not caring that I didn't have any friends. I didn't want any friends.

That was, until he came along.

"Mello, this is Matt. He is going to be your roommate."

The red-haired boy glanced up at me shyly. I spared him a glance before turning on Roger. "I don't want a roommate! He'll distract me from my studies! Can't you put him with someone else?"

"Everyone has a roommate except for you Mello, and I think it is high time you got one. You have not developed well socially and you need to learn to get along with others," he said firmly.

"Don't tell me I haven't developed socially! This place is to raise detectives, someone to take over for L! Not to make friends," I sneered.

"You are nine years old Mello. You should have recreational activities besides reading. You need interaction if you want to learn about the world properly and you will start interaction by having a roommate. Now take Matt to your room and help him settle in."

Roger's voice was unwavering so I turned towards the boy and glared at him. "Well come on!" I snapped. He nodded meekly and followed me to my…our…room.

I nearly slammed the door behind me before remembering Matt had been following me. I barely caught it in time and stormed into the room, throwing myself into my chair and pulling out my homework. There was silence for a few blessed minutes before he spoke.

"Mello?" he asked quietly.

"What?!" I growled, turning to look at him. He was still standing hesitantly by the door, small backpack clutched in his hands. He flinched slightly and I sighed to myself, trying not to let my anger show. "What is it?" I asked, noting with satisfaction that my voice was a lot calmer.

"Um…which side is mine?"

I pointed disinterestedly to his side of the room. I suppose he couldn't be blamed for not being able to tell. I had not really added anything personal to my half. I heard him rummaging through his bag and couldn't help but turn to watch. He pulled two shirts and two pairs of jeans from his bag and put them in his dresser. A beaten up Gameboy and weird pair of goggles followed. He put the goggles over his eyes then sat on his bed, turning on the Gameboy. He glanced at me and turned the volume down so I could barely hear it.

"Are those all the clothes you have?" I asked, surprised. I had brought a large bag with me, full of clothes and some books my parents had bought me.

He nodded mutely. I glanced back at my homework but couldn't seem to make myself concentrate. "Did you talk to Roger about getting more?" I asked finally. He shook his head and I sighed, closing my book and standing. He just looked at me. "Well come on, they're your clothes! Let's go talk to Roger."

By the time we had talked to Roger and more clothing had been ordered for him, it was time for dinner. I led him to the dining hall, ignoring people's stares. Wasn't I allowed to walk around with anyone? Seriously?

"There are a couple options at each station," I said as we grabbed trays. "Just take what you want."

"I can get something from…all these stations?" he asked in awe.

I frowned. "Yeah."

He ate quickly, as if he hadn't had a decent meal in weeks. Maybe he hadn't, he was very thin. I knew not everyone who came to Wammy's had loving parents like mine had been but it was one thing to see it from a distance and another to witness it firsthand.

I didn't realize it then, but these were our first steps towards becoming friends. I hadn't fully admitted to myself that I cared at all. I figured after I showed him around I could get back to normal. He'd find his own routine; I needed to focus on being the best.

To my annoyance, his routine seemed to be focused on me. The first couple of days he followed me around. He went with me to most of my classes and to meals. He stayed in the room while I studied, playing his stupid game. He did his homework but didn't study like I did, which really bothered me. I even told him there were consoles in the common room but he didn't seem eager to leave the room, and I wasn't sure why.

I found out several nights later.

Matt had gone to sleep hours ago and I had just laid down when I heard shifting from his bed. I didn't pay much attention to it until I heard him whimpering in his sleep. I looked over, my eyes finally adjusting to the dark. His face was drawn in distress. "No," he cried quietly. I watched him several more minutes but it didn't seem like the nightmare was going to get any better.

'Why me?' I asked myself and stood, slowly walking over to his bed. I placed a hand on his quaking shoulder and gave a little shake.

He jumped and sat up abruptly. I jerked back in surprise as he scrambled away from me, fear shining in his eyes. "No, I'm sorry! Please!" He curled up against the wall, his entire body shaking.

"Matt," I said as gently as I could. "It's Mello. You're safe here."

His eyes slowly faded back into awareness. "Mello?" he questioned, voice so soft I had to strain to hear it.

"Yeah. I know it's hard to lose them, but it gets easier," I said, hoping it would calm him down.

He shook his head. "No…I'm not upset."

I was about to tell him not to lie to me when it suddenly hit me. His cautiousness, his thin frame, his nightmare; all of them fit into a clearer scenario. I wasn't first for no reason, and I was surprised I hadn't worked it out sooner. "You were abused," I said bluntly. He flinched but hesitantly nodded, relaxing slightly. "You were dreaming about them?"

He nodded, biting his lip. "He…he drank a lot. When he got angry…I was there. And he always said it was my fault. He blamed it all on me." His voiced grew choked and his eyes filled with tears. "It…it wasn't my fault right?" he asked, voice breaking. "It wasn't my fault we didn't have money right? I didn't want to make my mother angry and leave us. I…" He stopped talking and a sob tore through him. He hid his face in his arms and I couldn't help but feel sympathy for him. How could anyone not? He was so small and defenseless. How could someone hurt their own child?

I crawled onto his bed and hesitantly wrapped an arm around him. He tensed so I tried to reassure him. "It wasn't your fault. It'll be okay."

He cried harder now and I looked at him, panicked. What had I said? I was just trying to make him feel better! I was about to pull away when he turned into my half-embrace, sobbing against my chest. Slowly I put another arm around him, letting him cry.

"Sorry," he said some time later, once the tears had dried up. "You don't even know me and I just…acted like that."

"It's okay," I said quietly. "I didn't…upset you more, did I?"

"No. It's just…you're the first person to say it wasn't my fault." He looked up at me then, eyes so tormented, but so hopeful, that from that moment on I vowed, if only to myself, to protect him.

So somehow, Roger's plan worked. I became friends with Matt. I got him to open up, and he got me to interact. He wouldn't let me study all the time anymore. People got used to seeing us together. He became my best friend. Schoolwork began to be sacrificed so I could spend time with Matt. I'm sure my parents wouldn't have approved.

Then Near came along, and everything changed. I was no longer the best. I felt inferior. I began to ignore Matt, to focus more on my schoolwork again. I had to be number one. I had to be the best. It wasn't only what my parents had wanted, but it was what I wanted. I didn't want to be second.

Matt told me I was obsessed, that I needed to relax, but I didn't listen. I stopped sleeping and started skipping meals. Near was younger than me and he was beating me! I couldn't take it! I needed to be number one.

I got angrier much easier then. The smallest thing would set me off. Matt started muting all of his games. The other orphans wouldn't even look at me half the time. I didn't care though, I was consumed. I wanted to win. I had to win.

"Mello you need to stop this. You're obsessed!"

I didn't spare him a glance, continuing to read my textbook. I sensed Matt come up behind me but said nothing.

"What are you even reading?" he asked.

"Psychology."

"That's twelve chapters ahead of where we are! You're stressing out, you need to relax."

"I don't have time to relax," I muttered, brushing him off.

"Obviously you do if you're reading twelve chapters ahead. Just stop. It's a Saturday, let's go sit outside. I'll even play football with you."

"I don't have time for that."

Matt snapped. "You're only twelve years old! You need to relax! You're killing yourself! You've lost tons of weight…you skip meals and eat chocolate instead! You haven't gone outside in weeks. You loved going outside. We don't have finals for a month, taking an hour long break isn't going to kill you!"

"I need to beat Near Matt. Just go play your game," I told him, still not looking up.

He snatched the book from my desk and threw it behind him. Without thinking about it I turned around and punched him squarely in the jaw. He stumbled back and fell to the floor, eyes widening in shock. I stared at him, frozen. Why had I done that? How could I hit him like that, especially knowing about his life before he came to Wammy House?

"I'm so sorry Matt," I said, getting up so fast my chair fell over. I knelt beside him, inspecting his jaw. It would probably bruise but it wasn't serious. I looked into his eyes, which were still widened in disbelief. "Really, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have hit you. I don't know what I was thinking." We were silent for a few moments, just watching each other. "Still want to go outside with an asshole like me?" I asked sheepishly.

He nodded slowly, and we went outside. It was then that I realized I did need to relax a little. I was sacrificing too much, so much that I was doing reckless things. I couldn't lose touch with myself that much again. For a while after that, everything was good.

Then L died.

Matt begged me not to go, literally begged. He held me back, crying, telling me he needed me, that it wasn't safe.

But I had to go.

That didn't stop the guilt I felt for leaving him behind. I sacrificed a lot of things to get higher in the mafia. I killed, became a criminal, the very thing I had been raised to catch. I needed the resources though, and though I still regret having to kill, even though I can remember every single person I killed, I don't regret it as much as the sacrifice I made with Matt. I wanted him to be safe, but I knew it hurt him. Nothing hurt more than leaving him there, knowing he was in pain. But he was safe, so I kept going.

I had more motivation now though. I was trying to catch Kira. I was trying to beat Near, to help the world. I wanted to be something great, and I was on m way to being something great. But I also wanted to keep going because if I didn't, leaving Matt was pointless. I had to keep going, for him. So someday I could go get him and bring him with me. Without him there, something important was missing.

After years I couldn't wait anymore. I had been watching him, and finally I contacted him. I couldn't see him much, but I saw him once in a while. I could bounce ideas off of him, and it took some of the pressure off. I had someone on my side. Someone was helping me now.

When I pushed that detonator I thought I was going to die. I hadn't had a choice, but afterwards I couldn't move. The pain was excruciating. I called Matt, hands shaking. I needed to talk to him one last time. I needed to hear his voice.

"Matt…Matty." I coughed harshly, a pained sob tearing itself from my throat. It hurt too much to cry anymore.

"Mello? Mello what's going on?!"

"I…I'm sorry," I managed, curling in on myself. I couldn't think, it hurt so much.

"Sorry for what? Mello? Mello answer me!" He was panicking.

"Everything," I whispered, voice hoarse. I coughed again, desperately trying to catch my breath.

"Where are you?"

"It hurts," I sobbed. "It hurts Matty."

"Give me an address Mello, please. I'll come and get you, just tell me where you are." Matt sounded near tears too.

"D…don't come. You'll…g-get hurt too."

"Just tell me the fucking address!" he screamed.

I told him, selfishly hoping I would get to see him one last time. It was then, through that haze of pain and, that I realized I loved him. I laughed humorously to myself. All of these years and I hadn't realized it. It took me until the moment I was going to die to realize it.

Some fucking genius I was.

But I didn't die. What felt like an eternity later I heard coughing coming from far away, and suddenly Matt was there. I think he was crying, but I wasn't sure, already near blacking out. I was so sure it was the end, and I tried to tell him I had loved him. He deserved to hear it, but all that I could manage was a small croak. I clutched his shirt in my hands, desperately trying to get the words out, but darkness came first.

I was in pain for days, never awake more than a few minutes at a time. Sometime around the third day I realized I may actually survive.

By the fifth day I woke up without the pain being excruciating. Matt was curled up in a chair at my bedside, asleep. He had dark circles under his eyes, and his hands were bandaged. Why were his hands bandaged?

I coughed, gasping at the pain it sent through my whole body, and he woke with a start. "Mello," he said, leaning closer. He held a glass of water to my lips. "Here, drink it."

I did, sipping slowly until I had finished the entire glass. "How do you feel?" he asked before I could speak. "Are you in pain? I can give you more painkillers soon. You might even be able to eat more solid food now. I can go get-"

I reached out, grabbing his wrist as he tried to leave. He turned to face me, eyes full of questions.

"I love you," I said quietly. His eyes grew wide at that, but he didn't pull away. I didn't care if he didn't feel the same. Of course I'd rather he did, but I wanted him to know. I didn't want to die without him knowing, and with the way the case was going, an early death seemed likely. I could sacrifice my pride to tell him this.

Suddenly he was on his knees beside me, and he lifted my hand to his lips, kissing my fingers gently. "I love you too," he said breathlessly.

He leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on my lips, careful not to touch my injuries. I pulled him closer, even though it was painful. I wanted all of him. I couldn't believe I hadn't realized my feelings sooner.

Matt got me food and water, and kept me company for an hour before I started to get tired again. I didn't want to sleep anymore, I was tired of sleeping. Matt took my hand in his, smiling gently. "Sleep."

"What happened to your hands?" I asked.

He looked away. "Nothing…nothing really. I just burned them a bit when I was getting you out of there. It's a small price to pay for saving you. I don't know what I'd do without you Mels." He leaned down and kissed me again.

I had never been happier.

/…/…/…/

We didn't have a perfect fairytale romance. I didn't bring him flowers and tell him that I loved him every day. Things really weren't that different at first, except for the sex. I definitely enjoyed that.

We still argued. He started making subtle remarks about quitting the Kira case. I wasn't going to do that. It was something I had to do. I know he realized that, because he didn't try very hard or very often.

Settling down in a house with Matt…it did sound kind of nice. I'd like to do it, after Kira. We could have a home and a yard. Maybe I could buy him flowers once in a while, and we could go on vacation somewhere nice. Proposition 8 was on trial in California, so we could even get…married someday. I'd rather live in California than Massachusetts. I didn't need to marry him; I'd rather live someone I liked than living somewhere I didn't just to get married. But of it was legalized in California I wouldn't mind and…

…marrying Matt did sound nice.

It was so domestic, but after the Kira case I figured I could use a break.

I wasn't delusional though. I doubted I was going to make it out of this alive.

Matt shifted in my arms. I felt his lips press gently against my throat, drifting up to meet my lips. I accepted him eagerly, deepening it quickly. He pressed closer, and I tightened my grip around him. I could never get enough of him, as cheesy as it sounds. I always wanted him to be closer, to be touching him in some way…it was ridiculously sappy.

"Morning Mels," he murmured against my lips.

"Morning," I said, smiling. I wanted to wake up this way for the rest of my life.

January continued like this. I couldn't get enough of him. I didn't mind when he distracted me, coming up behind me to kiss my neck or cuddle against my side while I was working. I loved to thread my fingers through his hair, and it always seemed to help him relax. It didn't matter what either of us were doing, we were almost always touching in some way. Holding hands, leaning against each other, him laying back, head in my lap; all these or a variation of them always seemed to be happening.

I wanted to make up for all the years I hadn't been with him, but I also had a terrible feeling of dread in my heart. We didn't have much time left…I could feel it. I couldn't tell if it was our lives or us together, but I could just feel it.

And sure enough, days later, I got a phone call signing my death warrant.

"We don't have to do this Mello," Matt pleaded once I told him the plan.

"You're right Matt, we don't. I do. You don't have to…I don't want you to."

"If you do it then I am too," he stated, and I knew I couldn't change his mind, just like he couldn't change my mind about this.

If I didn't do it, no one would. It had to be me.

"Please Mels, we can run away. We can go to…I don't know, Russia! Or back to California, or even Wammy house. We could go back! We can be safe Mello! Let Near handle it! We can be safe!" Even as he said it I knew he didn't believe the words, because suddenly he was crying. I rushed forward and pulled him into a crushing embrace. "We can be happy Mello. Please. Please," he begged.

I just held him closer, stroking his hair gently. I bit my lip, fighting back the burning in my own eyes.

I had born to be great. I had been born to do this. This was what I was supposed to do. I knew from an early age that I had to make sacrifices. This…was the biggest sacrifice of all.

"You won't die Matt," I swore, pulling him closer, if that were possible. "You should make it, and when you do, don't you dare stop living. Go out there and live your life. Find someone else if it makes you happy," I said, even if the words sent a flame of jealousy through me.

"Never," he growled vehemently. "No one but you Mels. I never want anyone but you."

I pulled away just enough to press my lips against his. The kiss was full of desperation and regret. I'd never regret falling in love with him, but I did regret that I couldn't give him a house and a yard and flowers every day. I regretted that I couldn't give him all of me, my life. My life wasn't meant for that. My life was meant to help rid the world of Kira.

"You're going to make it Matt," I whispered, not so much because I believed it, but because he had to make it. "You'll make it."

"You're going to make it too," he whispered, but I could tell from his tone that he didn't believe it, and it was killing him.

It was killing me too. I never wanted to leave him again. I wasn't ready to die. Unfortunately, I had no choice.

/…/…/…/

I was only seven years old when my life changed forever. Seven years old. If my parents hadn't died, I wouldn't have to make such sacrifices. They knew I was destined to be one of the greats, so I was pushed. I made sacrifices as a child, and they grew greater and greater the older I got.

This sacrifice would be the biggest. I didn't want to die. Who really wants to die? I was willing to give my life to stop Kira…I was the only one who could do it.

But my biggest sacrifice wasn't giving up my own life.

It was letting Matt give up his life.

We were standing by the door. This was the moment. It was time to go.

I was going to die. I was going to die.

I was going to leave Matt.

I pulled him to me fiercely, and we molded together. We clutched each other close, as if it was the last time we would ever hold each other.

It was the last time we would ever hold each other.

Our lips met with fiery passion. I poured everything I had into that last kiss; all my love, my regret, my longing, everything. I loved him more than anything.

When we separated it felt too soon, and I pulled him against me again. "I love you Mello," he said fiercely.

"I love you too Matt," I said, allowing only one tear to fall. One tear for us, for the life we could have had.

Everything went by so fast after that. He was speeding off, then I was on my motorcycle. I had Takada, then I escaped, then she was in the truck, then Matt was dead, dead, dead. He was on the television, sprawled across his car, blood leaking from him onto the cold hard cement beneath him.

I had to focus, I had to finish the job.

But I didn't want to finish the job. What was the point, without Matt in the world? My world was him, he was everything. Why had I let him do this? Why had I done this? Why couldn't I have let go, gotten us away from all of this? Suddenly I regretted everything. It was all my fault. Everything was my fault. He was dead because of me. He was dead. Matt was DEAD.

I would have started sobbing if it wasn't for the sudden pain in my heart, and I knew with a stunning clarity that I was going to die.

It wasn't so bad though. There was nothing left for me here without him.

I had killed him. I never wanted him to die.

I wish I had taken as away from here. I wish I had never left Wammy house. I wish I had never sacrificed everything in my life. I wish I had been selfish. I wish Matt was alive, more than anything. I wish I could see him again, one last ti-

And then I was gone.

/…/…/…/

I had known, from an early age that I was going to be something great. I was going to do great things. I was going to be the best I could be, but to do that I was going to have to make sacrifices.

I said I didn't regret those choices…that I did not regret giving up my life. I know it was for a good cause, but part of me does regret it. I regret that I didn't have more time with Matt, and I regret that he had to die because of me.

I don't know how long it's been since that day we died. January 26th, 2010…that's the day that we died. That was the last time I held Matt against me, while we were both still living.

But wherever we are now, it feels like Heaven. I don't remember how we got here, or where here even is. There's this big blank…it feels like a long blank, full of nothing, devoid of light or sound. It makes me feel empty to think of it. But suddenly Matt had been there, and I had felt hope, and every emotion rushed back to me, and then we were here…wherever here was.

Maybe it was heaven. Maybe it was somewhere else. Wherever it was, I was happy.

"What are you thinking about Mels?" Arms slipped around my waist and Matt's head rested against my shoulder. I smiled, turning to face him and wrap my arms around him.

"Nothing important," I said, kissing him.

The past was in the past. There was nothing I could do about my decisions now…and really it didn't matter. I had Matt, and that was all I really needed.