(Edited 24/2/2012- mostly cosmetics and grammar. Anything glaring, let me know.)
Oh god. I am (not) sorry. Cracky, hopefully humorous, dialogue-heavy oneshot.
Disclaimer- Yeah, I wish.
Post series- Yugi aged 19, magical 'bodies for everyone!' unexplained plot-fairy device, no real spoilers, discussed Yugi/Tea, Yami/Seto and Malik/Marik, vaguest references to sex. English spelling.
Enjoy.
"... So."
Yami raised an eyebrow.
"Er... I kinda, saw... you in the park. You and Kaiba." Yugi's posture screamed mortification, but he prepared to soldier on with this painful speech. It was something only the insight of sharing a body with Yami had allowed him to catch.
Right now, he kinda-sorta wished he'd not been granted said insight.
"You saw my duel with Kaiba?" Yami's tone was amused. Yugi hoped it was him the former spirit was laughing at; otherwise it was a tone reserved for fond reminiscence and with the image stuck in his head he did not need further speculation on what his darker half could be thinking about.
"Part of it." Yugi swallowed, and perched on the arm of the couch Yami had sprawled over. "You were waiting for him to make a move... and, well... it wasn't his cards you were staring at, Yami."
Yugi needed a drink strong enough to delete the sight, and the last hour not-speculating on what had led up said sight, from his brain permanently.
Yami was unfazed, the bastard. "I was studying his body language- it's useful for indicating his next possible moves."
He heard Yugi mutter, "It wasn't the language you were studyi- oh god."
Yugi added this conversation to the list of Things Better Left Forgotten.
Yami continued blithely on, ignoring the teen. "You see it in modern games all the time- most commonly in poker, to judge if an opponent is bluffing." He smirked, and Yugi whimpered- rather, coughed in a manly manner to clear his throat. "Kaiba was."
At least that explained the ridiculously good mood and levels of evil in the smirk.
"You won, then?"
Yami faked an affronted look. "You expected differently? How you betray me, my partner-brother."
Partner-brother. Right there was one of the best things to come out of the last few years. It had been moderately disturbing to discover how many people had waited for them to jump into bed together since Yami gained his own body (thank god Tea hadn't been one of them- hang on, hadn't Kaiba been one of the few sane ones, too... oh god, even then?). A few hasty explanations to his friends of the 'two halves of the same soul' thing- meaning that even if Yami was up for it, Yugi wasn't narcissistic enough to essentially sleep with himself- and most of those suggestions had died down.
Of course, in the last six months, Marik and Malik had been outed, and the King of Games and his darker half had been subjected to the sidelong looks again. Yugi had protested that seeing as both blonds were psychos (as opposed to just one one of them), it was an isolated incident and not the start of a pattern.
He had Ryou backing him up on this. They e-mailed each other regularly- the British teen was enjoying his studies at Oxford and his freedom from Psycho Number One, who they only knew was alive due to the notable absence of a culprit in many recently missing items' news reports.
As far as he was aware, Ryou had seen his darker half once when the thief needed a place to crash for the night- he'd picked the lock on the door, disabled the pin on the burglar alarm, modified Ryou's laptop so that even now it received the college CCTV feeds- and then broken the microwave when he'd tried to cook dinner. Ryou had tactfully ignored the college-wide panic over their missing saint's relic and the smouldering remains of his appliance, and decided it was too much of a hassle to kick the thief out when he'd be gone the next day anyway.
So they still had a two-to-one majority on the 'sleeping with each other' thing (as in, never happening) - and now there was this.
Six months ago, the return of the Suggestions From Hell had prompted him to 'man up' (Joey's words) and finally ask Tea out properly. Although he was still working on the 'man up' phase of the plan (a part of him was resigned to being the shortest person in the group forever), the asking out bit had gone off without a hitch; he and Tea had been steady for three months now.
The whole 'sleeping with each other' thing wasn't even a blip on Yugi's radar anymore- now there was this.
(and once he was done screaming hysterically about it, he was so taking brat-brother privileges)
"You have a thing for Seto Kaiba," Yugi announced to a smirking ex-spirit and an otherwise empty house. "There is no therapy in the world for this situation."
"You don't get to moan for a lack of therapy- you didn't exist for two years in someone's head and suffer a front seat view to their dreams about Tea Gardner." Yami shook his head sadly. "Really, Yugi? I thought we had better taste than that."
It was an old tease, and no longer caused a reaction.
"Though it has allowed me to finally explain why you refused to sleep with me." Yami's face morphed into the supreme 'You have been a most satisfying opponent and there is no greater ego-boost than that from beating you' smirk. "We definitely have a thing for blue-eyed brunets."
Yugi... had no idea how to respond to that.
"After all, excepting the obvious gender difference, both Tea and Seto are tall, slim, lithely-muscled, blue-eyed and brunet." He cocked his head, thinking deeper. "And if I remember rightly, even Atem had a fondness for one slave in particular- I think her name was Teana? Tall, slim, blue eyes, brunette? Are you seeing the pattern here?"
"You just put Seto Kaiba and Tea Gardner in the same group," Yugi whispered. "There is not enough alcohol in the kitchen to make that make sense." He blinked, and reconsidered Yami's conclusion. "You called Kaiba Seto. There isn't enough alcohol in the world to make this make sense."
Yugi abruptly stood and fled to the sanctuary of that kitchen. By the time Yami joined him at the table, there was an empty bottle of beer by the sink and one well on its way to the same fate in Yugi's hand. A third bottle, already open, sat waiting for him.
"I expected you to be more 'isn't it wonderful I've found somebody' about this," Yami admitted, taking a sip and leaning back against the counter.
Bottle number two was set down next to the first, and a fourth opened. "Seto. Kaiba," Yugi enunciated very clearly. "I am going to be drunk and hysterical, then I am going to be drunk and insufferable, and you are going to shut up and smirk and put up with it." Yugi took a deep calming breath to get the last bit out. "And tomorrow, I'm going to be hung-over and terrified, easing into hung-over and accepting, then hopefully by the evening, after a long talk with Tea, I'm going to be mostly fine, mostly accepting, and completely bratty and insufferable about the whole thing."
"Terrified?" Yami questioned idly, playing with the bottle in his hands.
"Seto. Kaiba," Yugi repeated. "And you aren't shutting up and smirking."
The ex-spirit put up his hands in the 'I surrender' fashion. Yugi was surprised he even knew it.
The King of Games finished his third beer, opened the fifth of the night, and looked Yami squarely in the eyes.
"So... how 'bout them brunets?"
Yami smirked, and drank his beer.