Gryffindor Common Room, 1977.

'Padfoot, I'm not so sure about this, that doesn't look the least bit healthy...' Remus Lupin's face appeared over the book he was immersed in, staring at his roommate, friend and fellow Marauder with apprehension etched across his face.

'Nonsense, Moony my boy! You are talking to a first rate scholar, a top Potions master, a certified genius, I daresay! Now, where's that Flobberworm Mucus?'

'Okay seriously, don't get that mucus anywhere near those bee-'

'Moony, your negative attitude is not conducive to a productive atmosphere. Now kindly remove thy stick from thy arse and shut up.' Sirius had donned an old pair of James' glasses (one had to properly assume the role of mad genius, you see) and was now looking down at Remus over them, a mockingly condescending expression on his face.

It must have been near Remus' time of the month, for he took the insult to heart. He stood up abruptly, knocking his book to the floor and proceeded to rub his hands together in a rather odd fashion. 'This,' exclaimed an irate Remus, 'is me washing my hands of you, Sirius Black! I refuse to die at your hands for the sake of one of your fatuous ideas!'

'Moony, please. You're embarrassing me. Come on, be cool.'

At that, Remus harrumphed, swiftly picked up his book and flounced off, muttering something that sounded something like '10 O.W.L.s, I ask you... bloody terrorist, going to blow us all to bits...'

He joined Lily on a squishy sofa, a look of anguish marking his tired features. Lily glanced at him amusedly, half-mockingly patting his knee and kissing his head before turning back to her conversation with Alice. Somewhere nearby, James Potter accidentally incinerated his Transfiguration textbook. He remained oblivious to the fact, maintaining a death grip on his wand as he glared at his lycanthrope friend. How dare the furry bastard betray him in such a manner.

With all this going on, and Peter gazing adoringly at Sirius in a rather love struck fashion, no one noticed anything amiss until Alice turned her head at Sirius' mad cackling, just in time to witness him positively beside himself with glee as he dumped a load of valerian roots into the cauldron, cackling 'BEHOLD, AS I MAKE HISTORY' as he did so. Rolling her eyes, she turned back to Lily and Remus when out of the corner of her eye she saw him reaching for... no, Merlin's saggy bum, he wouldn't be that stupid...

'SIRIUS, NO!' Alice shrieked, as she leapt off the sofa and lunged at the dark haired youth. Said youth was startled out of his wits at the sudden display of ferociousness from the mild-mannered Alice, and in his surprise, dropped the uncorked vial of Erumpent pee he was holding into the doomed cauldron.

BOOM!

Darkness and silence befell the Common Room, though the blessed silence only lasted an infinitesimal moment, as screams erupted all over the room. The darkness would not go away, the Common Room was now pitch black.

'Okay, everyone calm down!' Lily was in responsible Head Girl mode now. 'We all know how to use our wands, let's just all use 'Lumos' and see what we're dealing wit- oh dear Remus, I think I dropped my wand into your lap, hang on...' Hearing this, James lost all sense and lunged at where he had heard Remus' voice coming from moments before. He fortunately knocked into the werewolf, bringing him down to the floor before proceeding to attempt to find his neck to try and strangle him. A scandalized Lily blindly tried to stop the ruckus, to little avail. Hearing all this, the younger Gryffindors resumed their wailing, though to a lesser degree - they were rather interested in the scuffle occurring just then.

'James Leland Potter! What do you think you're doing? Get off him!' She reached for him, finding an arm belonging to said Potter, and pulling with all her might.

'Defending my pride, my territory! No one has the right to touch you but I!' exclaimed a crazed James loudly as he struggled with the diminutive redhead. 'Now let me go and allow me to make this right!'

Smack.

'YOUR TERRITORY? I don't belong to you, you miserable excuse for a human being!' (she secretly wished otherwise) 'Now stop trying to kill poor Remus, he didn't lay a hand on me, you baboon!'

'WELL I MIGHT AS WELL MAKE YOU MINE, THEN!' James suddenly lunged at Lily, attacking her lips (lunging was quickly turning into a popular alternative to walking that night). The redhead's muffled and outraged protests soon died down, giving way to new, sickening noises which sounded as though the pair were thoroughly enjoying themselves (Lily later denied any of this, pleading temporary insanity).

The Gryffindor's daily quota of drama satisfied, the screams started back up yet again as the students realized that Lumos had no effect on the darkness. Upon hearing of this, Alice lunged a second time at the perpetrator, punching him with all her might, as Sirius let out some uncharacteristically high-pitched screams (which he would later attribute to Peter - one had a reputation to protect, after all).

'What is wrong with you, you festering dung heap? Are you trying to be intentionally thick? Didn't you listen in class when Slughorn warned us about this?' screamed Alice, accentuating her words with a variety of punches, slaps and kicks, leaving Sirius whimpering in fear and pain. 'Where the fuck did you even get Erumpent urine, you miserable oaf?' Sirius merely thrashed, trying to escape. Alice scared him witless sometimes, and this time was no exception. Alice, enraged at the lack of response, raised her arm, prepared to deliver a particularly painful blow to his gut, when all of a sudden the portrait banged shut.

Light, glorious light enveloped the Common Room.

Standing at the portrait hole was Minerva McGonagall, who, for the first time anyone could remember, seemed to be at a loss for words, as she took in the scene. The Head Boy and Girl, one on top of each other, both parties looking decidedly dishevelled; Remus Lupin curled up on the floor in the foetal position, muttering something under his breathing and nursing a red neck; a fuming Alice Blishwick on top of a battered-looking Sirius Black, who had horror in his eyes, as though he'd just experienced something incredibly traumatic; the first years all huddled together in a corner; the second and third years in various positions all over the Room, bearing expressions of fear and confusion.

Minerva surveyed the sight over her glasses. After what seemed like an eternity, she cleared her throat.

'I... I don't even want to know.' With that, she turned and slowly left through the portrait hole. There are some things she would really rather prefer not to know. Good Godric.