Walking into the Barn I was less than excited to start yet another shift with Sam. Things have been off between Sam and I since telling him that I was moving in with Luke last week. When I told him he said, "That's great I'm happy for you. But McNally…ahh never mind."
"No Sam tell me."
He sighed but caved and continued speaking. "Are you sure about moving in with Luke; it's a big step and I know how you are with change. I think your making a huge mistake."
I got defensive, "Sam, I don't know what to say to that. I'm moving in with Luke, why do you care anyway, you have been pushing me towards that relationship since day one."
He shut down after I said that. "You know what McNally, your right. I have been pushing you into that relationship, but only because I thought that's what you wanted. But I know you, and I know you are scared of commitment and I know this is going way too fast for you. You are doing what you think you are supposed to do in a relationship, and if Luke doesn't see that, then he obviously isn't right for you. And, don't ever insinuate that I don't care." The rest of the shift was silent; well the rest of the week was silent.
That conversation has been re-playing in my mind since. Sam was right. When Luke asked me to move in, I thought it was what I was supposed to do. I was following the steps people take in a relationship in hopes that one day I'll just fall in love with him.
Since that conversation with Sam, I have realized that I can't move in with Luke, but now I'm stuck. I can't just say "Luke, I can't move in with you. I don't and never will love you, sorry." Yeah, that would go over real well.
I miss Sam; his laugh; his million dollar smile; his horrible but equally funny attempts at making jokes; his sarcasm; I miss his everything. I guess it true what people say, you don't miss something or someone until they aren't there.
Sam acts distant towards me now. He only talks to me when he tells me to do something or answers a question. I want things back to the way they were, I want, no, I need Sam to tell me what to do, help me get out of this. I want Sam. Wait, what am I talking about? Sam is just a friend. I don't like him that way. When he said he cared he just meant as a friend. Right?
I reached the locker room without any disturbances other than my thoughts. I'm so happy to see that the only one there was Tracy. "Hey trace."
She looks up from tying her police boots and smiled. "Hey Andy, excited for another fun filled shift with Swarek."
I groaned in frustration. "Trace, you know how it's been. I can't stand another shift of awkward silence. I still don't understand why he's so mad at me. I mean, I know that he and Luke are far from friends, but he has been pushing me into the relationship since the beginning. So why is he mad at me now?" Tracy didn't respond to my question, and honestly what could she say. If I don't know, how the hell would she.
Tracy finished getting ready, and headed for the door. "I'll see you in parade," and with that she left me to my thoughts that are currently consumed by Sam.
I got ready and made it to parade a few minutes early. As I was taking my seat next to Tracy, I quickly glanced at Sam who like always sat next to Oliver. I caught Sam's eye, but he quickly diverted his attention to the conversation him and Oliver were apparently having.
I turned my attention back to Tracy who looked like she was going to say something. She was cut off when Staff Sgt. Best walked in. We were debriefed and given our assignment. When Best partnered me with Chris instead of Sam, I was confused. What was even more confusing was when Best didn't assign a partner for Sam. Which either means he's riding solo or he's on an Op. Best ended parade with "Serve, Protect, and don't do anything stupid."