HOLBY THE OPERA

A few things you need to know about opera, if you're not a fan. There are various stock situations and characters that occur:

The ice queen who prefers death to dishonour

Her faithful handmaiden who kills herself in grief

The bad guy who's trying to kill the good guy, without realising he's his brother

The clairvoyant who sees the future but is rarely believed

The innocent bystander caught in the crossfire

The character who goes insane with grief

The character who forsakes the world and embraces religion

The lovers. Some survive, some don't, depending on the opera

The dog. Okay I made that up but this opera has a dog.

I've added some X cert, some Freechamp, lots of insanity. If the verse does have a piece of music that fits it, I'll mention it, otherwise feel free to add your own tune.

HOLBY THE OPERA ACT ONE

SCENE - HOLBY RECEPTION

(Lily looks out over a noisy squabbling group of patients queueing in reception and sings.)

LILY: One fine day the patients

Will not fight in reception,

They'll wait without complaining.

And nobody will vomit.

(Somebody does. Lily sighs and goes to get a brush and mop. Connie stalks through followed by her adoring handmaid Rita. Lofty trembles. Zoe and Max get a quick snog behind a curtain. Cal swaggers in.)

CAL: (Singing.) I'm going to murder that Ethan today,

So he'll never know I nicked fifteen hundred k

And spent it on call girls, I'm evil that way.

CHORUS OF NURSES AND PARAMEDICS:

Desist my friend, you'll come to a bad end.

CAL: I can't because:

I had an affair with a woman called Taylor

Who betrayed me one night with a hairy old sailor,

I found her and him snuggled up with his kitbag-

What a sh*tbag!

Oh all women are cruel and heartless,

So I might as well have sex with myself.

Oh all women are cruel and heartless,

So I might as well have sex with myself.

I shall murder Ethan gladly,

Bet your ass he'll take it badly.

Oh… all women are cruel and heartless, heartless, heartless,

So I might as well have sex with myself,

I'll sing it one more time, have sex with myself!

HONEY: Don't hurt Ethan Hardy, he's gentle and kind.

I'm begging you Doctor Knight, please change your mind.

CAL: Sack this gobby fortune teller,

Or lock her in a rat-filled cellar.

CONNIE: (Only half paying attention.) Honey, you're fired.

HONEY: (Dramatically.) Before this shift has passed us by,

People will suffer and people will die.

I'm the clairvoyant, and I know why.

CAL: Sing one more word and I'll spit in your eye.

(Honey runs out, defeated. Big Mac and Charlie dance through to ballet music. They wait for everybody to laugh. Nobody does. They turn their backs in a huff.)