This is a crack fic. It will contain some bashing, a lot of AU, some very interesting developments, and my awful attempt at humor. Please note that this is not a serious fanfiction.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or this idea. This idea comes from Concept101's fanfiction: The 101 Guide to Writing the Ultimate Fanfiction, which I really recommend you read. I laughed. Lots. Thanks to him for letting me use this idea. This is my attempt at writing the Ultimate Fanfiction. I'll skip step 10.
"God Damnit! Would Mother Magic just fucking end it all already!?"
An ethereal voice come from somewhere up above, 'Are you sure that you'd like me to do that, Harry, my sweet? I assure you, it wouldn't be so hard.'
"I was only kidding… I don't need that yet." Harry sighed and plopped back into his bed in Privet Drive.
Why couldn't he do anything right? Seriously, Mother Magic did it hurt to think of the word, it was all his fault. He was to blame for everything. If he wasn't so magic damned honorable, he might not have gotten Cedric killed. He would have listened to Hermione and not just walk to his possible death in the ministry. He was so magic damned stupid. He was being sent obvious visions by Voldemort all year. It was so obvious. How could he have fallen for it?
His only excuse was that it had looked too real.
Even that sounded horrible to himself.
He really only had himself to blame for Sirius' death and all the injuries that everyone had suffered.
Maybe he should just take up Mother Magic's offer…
Vernon, the blithering whale, was already trying to starve him.
Harry angrily screamed into his pillow as he kicked his bed.
But didn't anybody really understand?
He was the Boy-Who-Lived. He had the weight of the whole world on his shoulders because of some stupid prophecy. He was the Chosen One. Maybe he should get a little more credit. Seriously, he cringed as he thought the word, he pretty much did everything for everyone. He had saved the philosopher's stone in his first year, killed the basilisk in his second, saved Sirius in his third, won the Triwizard tournament in fourth year, and got Umbridge kicked out of Hogwarts. He deserved something more than being a pariah every now and then right?
Mother Magic's offer was tempting him more and more…
Dumbledore was feeling great.
He was always feeling great.
He'd felt great since that day when he was 13 and had starting taking God-cocaine.
Everything had been great ever since.
Mother Magic had always been his benefactor. He'd seen it appear on his desk one day and he never knew who gave it to him. He just thanked Mother Magic for it. She had a thing for being thanked.
He'd put his God-cocaine in his lemon drops.
Couldn't let anyone know about him taking God-cocaine now, could they?
Ah, the good times.
He remembered being as high as kites with Gellert the first time he had taken his God-cocaine.
It was beautiful.
He had offered some to Gellert and after Gellert saw how euphoric Albus felt, he decided that he needed some too.
Albus had remembered what happened after that vividly.
FLASHBACK to the "good times"
"Oh yes Gellert, you know I like it there…" Gellert fiddled with Albus' nipple.
When had his shirt come off?
It didn't matter anymore. Albus moaned. Gellert smirked. "You know you want it…"
"You know I know that I want it, so just give me what you know I know that I want!" Albus cried.
Gellert proceeded to unbuckle his panties.
FLASHBACK of the "good times" end.
Albus had always wondered why Gellert wanted Death's gifts. Could Gellert had gone insane on the God-cocaine? Gellert had always had a weaker magical core than he had. Albus had wanted them because he wanted to be high on God-cocaine forever.
He popped a lemon drop in his mouth and instantly revelled in the feeling.
Fuck, there was nothing better than this.
Harry Potter's first year suddenly came to mind. Oh yes, that was a good time. He had, of course, known who was trying to steal the stone. Quirrel wasn't better than Gellert at pleasurable acts, but who knew that Quirinus was so tight? Albus' magical core just slid in and out, and in and out.
He especially remembered the one time when he had been dabbing furiously with one hand while giving Ronald Weasley money to spy on Harry Potter while shoving his magical core into Quirrelmort's butt and having Ronald lick his big weights. He had never heard someone scream like Quirrel had. Or, for that matter, moan as loudly as Ronald had.
He had imperiused Quirrel to go to Voldemort in Albania. It worked out both ways. The students got to learn Defense against the Dark Arts from a Dark Lord and he got to keep an eye on Tom. Wasn't it perfect?
He popped another lemon drop in his mouth.
Oh he had never had a better idea than lacing his lemon drops with his God-cocaine.
Fuck, nothing was better than this.
Harry Potter's second year suddenly came to mind. Oh yes, that was a good time. He had, of course, known who had opened the chamber of secrets. Being Headmaster of Hogwarts meant that he had control of the wards. Hogwarts wasn't the safest place for nothing. The wards placed by the Founders and the Headmasters who had continued to guide the students after them had gained exponential amounts of power from the various magic that was cast by the students over the millenia. Hogwarts wards let him know of everything that had happened in this school. He knew every place that Draco Malfoy kissed Theodore Nott. Every place where Susan Bones had boned Hannah Abbott. Every place where Moaning Myrtle had been sent moaning by Nearly-Headless Nick. Every place where Filius had bent over Pomona. Every place Minerva got it on with Rolanda. Every place that Severus had used Sinistra. Every time that Lockhart raped the students.
Every entrance to the Chamber of Secrets. Every place where the Basilisk had slithered in the walls.
If Tom had known exactly what the wards of Hogwarts had entailed, he was sure that he wouldn't have tried to put a horcrux in the room of requirement or opened the Chamber of Secrets and released Sam.
Samuella the basilisk, of course.
Of course, everything had been to get rid of that stupid horcrux. Albus had been trying to get rid of that pesky horcrux in his head for years. He had performed a ritual on him when he was asleep after that horrible business with Quirinus in his first year. He had told Sam to bite him on purpose so that the poison venom might get rid of the horcrux but Fawkes, the dumbass that the phoenix sometimes was, had decided to cry onto the wound, neutralizing the venom. Even Gryffindor's sword was planned. He needed for Harry to really believe he was brave and would become more powerful.
Ginny Weasley was, of course, of no concern. She could have died and it really wouldn't have mattered. She was unimportant to the master plan he had come up with when he was on his God-cocaine—which he had been on since he was 12.
Ah, the good times.
Albus threw another lemon drop in the air and caught it with his mouth.
Oh. Oh yes.
Nothing was better than this.
Harry Potter's third year suddenly came to mind. Oh yes, that was a good time. He had, of course, known that Sirius Black was innocent all along. He was the one that cast the fidelius charm on Peter for the Potters. He had imperiused Peter to tell him the secret after he cast the charm on the Potters and their house. He had even imperiused Sirius to convince the Potters that Peter was a better choice. Oh, Lily had been a bit difficult to convince, she was always stronger than James had been, but he had won in the end thanks to the power of his God-cocaine.
Nobody could beat him when he was on his God-cocaine, after all.
Where was he again? Oh yes! Sirius had been innocent all along, of course. He had known that Peter was in the castle since Percy Weasley had been here. Oh what a good Headboy Percy had been.
Albus had of course given Hermione Granger a time-turner in hopes that she would fry her brain. Pesky mudblood trying to start up stupid things and thinking she would one day be smarter than he was.
She didn't have his God-cocaine.
He had of course been in control of the dementors the whole time. Apparently, they couldn't stand being around people who used God-cocaine. That was how Master Magician Lightningshade had controlled them in the beginning. 700 years ago, Mother Magic had gifted another being with God-cocaine…
Oh how blessed was he!
He had thought that getting the dementors to suck the horcrux part of Harry out of him would work, but it sadly did not.
He had, of course, controlled the dementors to sabotage Sirius' attempt at becoming a free man. He couldn't let him run free. This was all part of his God-cocaine concocted plan, after all.
Albus sighed. Oh how he wished he had some more God-cocaine…
Oh! Look at those enticing lemon drops that suddenly appeared in front of him!
He picked one up and put it in his mouth, wrapper and all.
He had the sudden urge to go see Ronald.
Fuck, nothing was better than this.
Harry Potter's fourth year suddenly come to mind. Oh yes, that was a good time. He had, of course, known that Bartemius Jr. was polyjuicing as dear Alastor. He had known Alastor for far too long to not realize the subtle differences, and that was without the wards assistance. He had needed for this to happen so that Harry would be entered into the Triwizard Tournament. He had, of course, known of Tommie-boy's plan after completely reading Bartemius' mind. This was all a part of his master God-cocaine, Mother Magic blessed, plan, after all.
There was no need to mention that the attack during the Quidditch World Cup was because of him too. He had gotten just a bit too high on his magical God-cocaine and thought that a small scare would get the Auror's to actually do something.
Bah, he didn't need to give excuses. He just wanted some of those mudbloods offed.
Back to Harry's horrible horcrux, he had been hoping that Harry might get burned by a bit of dragonfyre in the first task because it was known that dragons' fire had magical properties. Unfortunately, it was not to be and Harry still had that Magic damnable horcrux. He had hoped that the power of love would get rid of the horcrux and that was the main reason why he reintroduced the Yule Ball, but Harry, the stupid, dumb, annoying, pubescent boy, had no idea how to talk to females. Eventually, Albus had just started hoping that the horcrux would take little Harry over; he would be much easier to predict that way. The second task was in hopes of getting Harry angry enough to use the gifts that Tomathon's soul had given him. That very well could have been the reason for Harry's talent in Defense.
The third exam was crucial in Toe's resurrection. He needed to have poor Cedric go with Harrython to the graveyard in order for Harry to gain the "Survivor's Guilt" status. It would make him feel horrible about Cedric's death and would, in turn, allow the horcrux to take control of Harry much faster. This also had the bonus effect of Harry standing against the ministry when they were sure to disbelieve his claims that Shordemortz had been resurrected. While the ministry was under Fudge's rule, Harry wouldn't ever be believed.
Having Harry get hit by one of Tommison's Killing curse was also not a part of his plan to get rid of the horcrux during the third task. No sirree it wasn't. You can be 100% sure that Albus Dumbledore, Leader of the Light and God-cocaine specialist did not want an innocent 14 year old boy to be hit by the killing curse in order to get rid of the horcrux inside of him.
Albus sighed. Why had everything suddenly become so hard?
At least he still had his God-cocaine.
Shoving three of those disgustingly sweet, sour, and slimy balls into his mouth, he shivered.
Nothing could go wrong when he was on his God-cocaine.
Fuck, nothing was better than this.
Harry Potter's fifth year suddenly came to mind. Oh yes, that was a good time. He had, of course, known that Umbridge was torturing multiple students with her blood quill. He had, of course, known that Umbridge had been sent by the ministry. He had, of course, known that she had been fucking Fudge for quite a while. He had, of course, known about the abysmal Occlumency lessons that Harrisonion was going to. He had, of course, known about Harlem's visions from Tomifern.
Albus knew many things. He hadn't expected Sirius' death, but quickly realized that it was for the best. With Sirius being kicked out of the Black family, he could easily control young Draco in the future.
He had also been very satisfied with the results of the evening two days ago. Whorry would again go through survivor's guilt and the pure destruction that he had caused had helped Dumbledore make sure that he was well on the path to being controlled by one of Tommie dearest's horcrux.
The possession of Hairy was only helpful to that end.
After that session of contemplation that served no reason other than to be enjoyed by anybody who wouldn't be using legilimency on his thoughts, he stared at the lemon drops.
"I love you, my dearest Magic blessed Lemon God-cocaine drugs."
Harry suddenly had an epiphany. He knew what would help get him out of this depression! He remembered that someone had once said that exercise releases endorphins, which made people happy.
Maybe he should take a run.
It would help him get fit.
This lead to Harry being in oversized clothes, jogging in Privet Drive.
It was easy to tell who was tailing him today with all of the tripping coming from behind him.
"Wotcher, Nymphadora!" he heard more tripping behind him.
"H-How'd you know it was me?"
Harry released a chuckle that wasn't suspicious at all. Or, it wouldn't have been if it didn't look like he was chuckling to himself in the middle of the street.
"You're the only person that would make so much noise tripping."
"Oi! I resent that!" She exclaimed. "I knew I shoulda' put a silencing charm on my shoes… so why have you started exercising all of a sudden?"
"I suddenly remembered that exercising makes you feel happy. Some kind of stupid science junk."
She shivered. She hadn't touched science since she was 10. "And is it working? You feeling any better after…"
He heard her trail off and decided to save her, after choking down a sob. "Yeah. Yeah. I'm feeling a lot better," he gave her a strained smile, "or I'm trying to at least. It's just… hard, y'know?"
She gave him a pained smile. "Yeah. I do know. My old partner, Janus Greengrass, got killed off the job last year. He was in Sanguina Alley in France, have you heard of it? Anyway, he was there with his family when he was attacked by some upstart Dark Lord in France who was immediately put down by their Ministry of Magic. Delacour has some good aurors there, Bonesie respects him more than just about anyone."
Harry startled a bit. "I-I-I didn't know. I'm so-"
"Don't say that you're sorry, punk," Tonks commented and Harry felt her put an invisible arm around him, "you didn't do it, did you? You didn't cast the blood draining curse that killed him, did you? Because if you did, we're going to have problems. You hear?"
He imagined Tonks grinning at him right now, even though they were talking about something so serious. "Yeah. Thanks for that, Tonks. I think I'm gonna' head home now. Talk to you later, maybe."
"Alright. Have fun doing… whatever it is you do in there. Later!"
And he was inside.
That was funny. He didn't have any recollection of going up the stairs and back into what the Dursleys called a room.
Whatever.
He chose to take that time to plop into his bed once more, contemplating Tonks' words.
She was right, of course. Her advice was sound and did a great deal to help him through the pain. It was good advice, even if she never knew that she had given it to him.
He hadn't been the one who cast the curse which caused Sirius to topple through the veil.
Bellatrix cast the flipendo on Sirius.
He hadn't cast the killing curse on Cedric.
Pettigrew cast the killing curse on Cedric.
It all lead back to Voldemort in the end. They were death eaters, and they wouldn't stop killing the people he cared about unless he killed them. He couldn't just play with stunners like he had in the ministry. That was stupid. He would stun one of those animals and then another, smarter animal would suddenly gain enough insight and revive their fallen comrade.
Voldemort was to be defeated. Harry couldn't just stare at the green light travelling towards him when he was fighting him. He couldn't just use tickling, cheering, flipping, and stunning charms as Voldemort was throwing torture curses, killing curses, and a large variety of other dark curses.
Suddenly, Harry decided that he needed to write a list. He needed to create a list of things that would help him become strong enough to defeat Voldemort.
And Harry suddenly fainted.
"W-Where am I?" Dream Harry asked out loud to nobody in particular.
You, Harry dearest, are in the realm of Magic.
"The realm of Magic?" He repeated questioningly.
There seems to suddenly be an echo here. I wonder where it has come from.
That is indeed what I said, Harry. You are in the realm of magic.
"What exactly does that mean? Wait! Who's talking to me right now!?" Harry was suddenly a bit scared. Dreams usually never meant anything good for him.
You have no need to fear, my dear Harry. Let's allow you to make a logical assumption, alright? If a mystical, mysterious and absolutely enchanting voice is talking to you in a dream when you are a sleep, a sleep that was not of your own volition, and you are in the realm of Magic, who would you logically guess is speaking to you?
Harry gasped.
Indeed. It is I-
"Mother Magic!" Harry exclaimed.
Indeed. It is I, Mother Magic. I am here to assist you, Harry. You have been greatly wronged in your life and I am afraid that I am partly to blame.
"What did you do?"
I've been giving God-cocaine to the wrong person for the past century.
"God-cocaine? What in your name is God-cocaine?"
God-cocaine is a magical substance that I created long ago. My sister made a ritual the same day that Albus Dumbledore's mother did a different ritual in an attempt to cure her daughter's squib status and this caused all of my God-cocaine to be sent to Albus Dumbledore instead of my sister, Fate.
"Is it really that bad that you sent the Godly version of cocaine to Dumbledore instead of Fate? Wouldn't she get up to some really crazy shit if she was on cocaine? The world would literally flip!"
Harry heard Mother Magic hum in thought.
I suppose you're right. Sister would get up to some, as you said, "crazy shit" if she was on cocaine. Dumbledore, however, isn't much better. He's been using you all his life.
Harry melodramatically gasped once more. "It all makes sense now! The stone, the chamber, Sirius, the tournament, Umbridge! How did I never see this? I bet he was paying Ron with money and Hermione with books the whole time too!"
He did. Back to how you never saw everything, Lily accidentally dropped you on your head was a child. Did you never wonder from where that bump on the back of your head was? You might be able to hide it away with your Metamorphmagus abilities, but you can't hide it away from me. I created the magic you use.
"M-Mum dropped me?"
Harry almost felt the magic around him dance amusedly.
Your father also accidentally flung you off a balcony when he was tossing you in the air.
Harry was just about to cry.
Sirius also sat and farted on you as a dog once.
Harry really did start crying.
Peter also tried to bash your head in with a rubber duck to impress Voldyshorts.
Harry fell to his knees, still crying.
Remus also bit you when he was a werewolf as a child, but your extremely-super-mega-awesome massive magical core completely assimilated the entire werewolf curse, turning you much stronger than you would have been, but in exchange for the massive loss of around 75% of your IQ.
Harry went into a fetal position and held his knobbly knees to his chest. Tears silently streamed down his face as he contemplated whether his parents and pseudo-uncles really loved him as a baby.
Now that you have made a single logical conclusion, however, your IQ is back to what it should have normally been. Your stupidity immediately disappeared after deciding to use common sense, something that I had unfortunately not predicted to disappear after giving some humans magic. You are now only one of very few wizards and witches that have the title: Common Sense (You aren't really as retarded as everyone else thinks you are anymore!).
It all makes sense now, doesn't it?
Harry nodded, still wondering whether his parents and pseudo-uncles had truly ever loved him.
I also have a super important mission for you, dearie.
"A super important mission?" Harry echoed.
Interesting. I swear there wasn't an echo in here before you came in. Harry felt the magic around him shrug confusedly. Oh well. I need you to take all of Dumbledore's God-cocaine away from him, and I need you to take it.
"What!? You want me to take it? Won't that make me as sane as Dumbledore?"
It would, but I'm going to flush it all out of your system and I'm going to give to sister. Don't worry about how I'm going to do it. Just trust me. I'm Mother Magic, after all.
"Okay. I'll be sure to complete your mission, Mother Magic!"
Good. You're going to wake up now. Don't forget to work on that list! Your IQ might not all be back yet, so be sure to write everything you want to down, just in case your fuckheadedness comes back!
And Harry popped out.
Thank myself for him being so fuckheaded sometimes. Does he really think I'm going to flush it all out of his system? I need to have some fun.
Harry suddenly gasped for air, waking up from the very unreal dream that he had just had.
Unfortunately, it seemed that Mother Magic was right. Only most of his IQ would ever come back and he would forever have the occasional moment of fuckheadedness.
He started off with Mother Magic's advice.
The List.
So what did he need to defeat Voldemort?
1) I need to get out of Dumbledore's thumb.
2) I need to learn how to use more advanced magic.
3) I need to get more allies.
4) I need to get more knowledge about Moldyshorts's fighting style and what he did during the last war.
5) Eat a snickers bar with a side dish of soap everyday for breakfast. Nothing like a good way to start the day!
6) I need to get help from other people. I can't beat Vandalwarts alone.
7) I need to get in shape and learn how to fight. I can't learn how to duel. Duelling has too many rules and not enough freedom.
8) I need to travel to get experience. I won't be able to stay here in Britain and just magically learn everything I need to or something.
9) I need to learn about the Potter family history. That way, I can really become myself and learn more about who I am on my journey to defeating Zoldymort.
10) Turn Dudley into a pig, butcher Pigley, then feed him to Ron and Hermione as bacon.
11) Get one or more girlfriends because the more the merrier.
And with the list done, he decided that he needed to get to Gringotts for Sirius' will reading. He had gotten a letter about that from the goblins the day he got to the Dursleys and had given up on getting there.
He felt confident now.
Wasn't it just hilarious how the timing of everything works out so perfectly? He had practically gotten rid of all his problems in less than two hours!