Notes
The dialogues between Severus' "I thought we were supposed to be friends" and Lily's two "let me?" are taken from JKR's book word for word.
You know the drill: not mine, no beta.
Looking around him, Severus silently closed the door to his room and activated the wards surrounding it. Not for the first time, he sent a grateful thought to his House Founder for his desire to make sure each of his students could be able to preserve some measure of privacy while at Hogwarts.
He was later than usual this morning and the Common Room was mostly empty, the majority of the students having decided to wake up early to get as much studying time as they could before the beginning of the end of year exams. A glance at his watch made him quicken his pace: he had promised Lily to meet her in the unused classroom they had claimed as their own in first year for some last minute Charms practice in less than an hour. If he wasn't interrupted, he should be able to get a decent breakfast before that.
Right before he could activate the mechanism, the smooth brick wall that marked the entrance of the Common Room melted away in front of his eyes to reveal Amycus Carrow. Severus' joyful anticipation turned to dread. He ducked his head in what could pass as a respectful nod to give himself time to school his features into an appropriately blank expression.
It wouldn't do to anger the James Potter of Slytherin who, with his twin, strove to make sure Severus' non-adherence to the tenets of blood purity was never forgotten, depriving him of most of the protection Slytherin offered its members against the other Houses as a result.
"So the Half-Muggle is still polluting our House. Finally finished hiding in the infirmary Snape?" he taunted and made a show of looking around him.
Severus didn't need the reminder that none of the onlookers would intervene if things degenerated and kept his eyes firmly trained on Carrow, whose smile was widening into a familiar grin. Severus knew from experience this particular expression, so eerily reminiscent of the smile Black arbored when he knew Severus was trapped and at the Marauders' mercy, on any of the Carrow twins' face didn't bode well for him.
He couldn't help but take an instinctive step back.
If only he'd been just a few seconds earlier, he'd have been out of there. Slytherins never made a move on their housemates outside of the confines of their dormitory. Judging from the yellow sparks emanating from Carrow's now out and twirling wand, he was well aware of his own luck too.
"Going to help your Mudblood cheat to get decent grades again? How much longer do you think she'll keep you around?"
He leaned forward, placing the tip of his wand under Severus' chin to force him to look the older boy in the eye to whisper conspiratorially, "I heard she was on speaking terms with Potter now. I would seize the chance too if I were her: he's rich, popular, and has plenty of connections. Everything you don't have. Alecto bet she'll ditch you for him as soon as the OWLs are over but I think you can still be of use to her 'till the end of summer. What d'you think?"
"Amycus," a deep voice interrupted before Severus could force his mouth open, which was just as well. Fighting back against Gryffindor blood traitors the likes of the Marauders was one thing. Fighting against a Slytherin purist who was the heir to one of the Major Sacred Twenty Eight was suicide.
Carrow turned to shift his focus to Avery who was sedately entering the common room. He reached around Carrow to grab Severus by the arm and drag him to his side.
"You know Lucius won't be happy if you damage his protégé."
Carrow snorted. "He's still hoping the boy will overcome his base instincts? Look at him, ready to grovel at his Mudlbood's feet! You and I both know we could make do with his parentage if he behaved like the half Prince he is. Not my fault he's a blood traitor."
Avery's hand tightened painfully around Severus' wrist before giving him a shove, propelling him through the still open Common Room gate which closed behind him. Massaging his numb jaw – those sparks had completely anaesthetized it – he hesitated to open it again to hear the rest of the conversation but ultimately decided not to try his luck further. Severus adjusted the strap of his bag on his shoulder and hurried away. He didn't care about what they thought: he'd en entire morning with Lily to look forward to.
His renewed good mood soured again: he wondered for how much longer Lucius' protection would shield him. Even though he'd left Hogwarts three years ago, his influence still held strong. He knew he had Avery and Mulciber to thank for this: their Houses had been vassals to the Malfoys for hundreds of years and if there was one good thing to say about the two, it was that they were loyal to a fault.
He hoped it would last until he passed his NEWTs, but he feared the Malfoy heir's patience wouldn't last for much longer. His letters had become more pressing lately, hinting at a coming ultimatum. He didn't want to lose Lucius' regard: his help and care had been invaluable over the years, but he didn't want it to happen at Lily's expanse.
.
The Hall was starting to empty itself from its students when he arrived. Severus took a place next to Mulciber who was finishing his own meal with a silent nod in his direction. After filling his plate with food, he looked around and spotted Lily's bright red hair easily. After a few attempts, he managed to catch her eyes and gave her a little wave. She spared him a tiny nod of acknowledgement in return before she turned her attention back to her friend.
Severus squinted a little, trying to place her. Gryffindor, short curly brown hair, freckles, thin bluish lines poking from her collar and climbing on her cheekbones up to her temples... A small noise of recognition escaped him. It seemed the Macdonald girl had finally been released from the infirmary. She looked awful, he thought with satisfaction. Worse than he had when he'd been released from Madam Pomfrey's care himself.
"Four days. Not bad, right? I heard the scars will never fully go away," Mulciber murmured proudly.
A commotion at the entrance of the Hall distracted Severus before he could answer. A cold weight crashed on his shoulders, freezing him all the way to his bones. He barely felt the pain of his hand dropping on the table, and distantly hear the clatter of his fork falling on the ground.
The Marauders had arrived.
How could they still be so happy, so carefree after what had happened not even a month ago? How could such people be ever be considered good? Knowing the self proclaimed 'light side' endorsed considered them the epitome of goodness was enough to make his blood run cold. He had heard the Dark Lord was cruel. But he had also heard he never punished his people without a good reason. If he had to make a choice, he would rather bow to him who would value his skills and intelligence over Dumbledore and his minions who would forever hold his sorting against him.
Dark spots danced at the edge of his vision yet his focus remained locked on his would-be assassins.
His unblinking stare was broken when strong hands gripped his shoulders to turn him to the side and shook them vigorously. A voice came through a buzzing in his ears he hadn't realized was there.
"... breathe with me. Snape. With me. Slower. Inhale… exhale… that's good. Do it again. In… out… in… out… in..."
Severus managed to get his frantic panting back under control. He lifted a heavy hand to swipe at his brow only to realise he was drenched in cold sweat.
"What was that Snape? What did the Muggle lovers do this time?"
Severus blinked unresponsively, staring through Mulciber with unseeing eyes.
The hands shook his shoulders again.
"Answer the question. I have been patient Snape: it's not the first time you've done that the past weeks. So talk. What. Did. They. Do."
He was going to tell Lucius of his weakness. He would stop being interested in Severus and he would have to say goodbye to the little peace he had in his House.
The thought brought Severus' world back into focus. He jumped on his feet, tripping on the bench in his precipitation and blindly grabbed for his bag.
"Nothing," he forced out.
Looking wildly around him, he was reassured to see no one else seemed to have noticed his panic attack and even better, the Marauders appeared not to have caught sight of him yet. "It's nothing I can't solve myself. I'm late. I need to go."
Without giving Mulciber the time to answer and without even looking at him, he finally managed to get both of his feet over the bench and fled the Hall.
.
He had nearly reached his destination when he heard running sounds coming up from behind him.
Instincts honed by years of evading the Marauders' traps kicked in and he threw himself to the side, placing his back to the corridor's wall. He made to take his wand out of his robe pocket but stopped short.
"Sev, wait!" Lily cried, out of breath.
Her smile slipped off her face and the corners of her mouth turned downwards when she noticed his pose. She sighed long-sufferingly.
"Not everyone is out to get you, you know?"
Severus crossed his arms and lifted his chin.
"I know that."
"Really? What would you've done if it hadn't been me following you? Or if you hadn't recognised me fast enough? You looked ready to curse me!"
Severus gritted his teeth and didn't answer, choosing instead to resume walking towards their classroom. He'd never managed to make her empathise with how difficult it was for him to balance their friendship and its consequences. There was the resulting hostility of his house for one. But more importantly, there was the Gryffindors' bullying which had escalated this year with Lupin having become both a Marauder and a Prefect, and as such having become an example to follow for his Housemates.
Fortunately, she wasn't expecting an answer since she changed the topic, a gleeful edge entering her voice.
"Did you have a row with Avery? Is that why you left the Hall like a Werewolf was chasing after you on a full moon night?"
"Don't!" Severus whirled around to face her. "Don't say that." His clothes were still soaked with sweat from his earlier reminder of what exactly had nearly happened and he shivered, fighting the urge to wrap his arms around his middle.
"Say what? Oh you so did have a row with him!" she laughed. "What was it about?"
"It was a minor disagreement, that's all."
Her face lost her smile once more and she increased her pace, her bearing projecting the same cold haughtiness he usually associated with his housemates.
"So you're still getting along with him?"
"He's my housemate and one of the few who's always civil towards me. And he values my skills."
"Because I don't?"
"They're my housemates Lily I need to be on speaking terms with at least some of them. I live with them, remember? Do I ask you to stop talking with your dorm-mates just because they're Gryffindors?" he pleaded.
"No," she answered petulantly after a pause. "But my housemates a different sort from yours. They are frequentable people for one, and –"
"And all the Slytherins are evil and future Death Eaters who want anyone who isn't a Pureblood tortured to death even when they're just eleven years old kids. I get it. I'm a Half-Blood remember?" he interrupted her harshly. He knew her discourse. He had heard it plenty of times over the past few years.
He sighed. The day had just started and he wanted nothing more than to go back to bed. He had anticipated his morning alone with Lily all week and things hadn't stopped going downhill since he'd awoken.
"Do you really think I'd ever buy into their purity thing when it's used against me almost every day, just like you? Do you know me that little? I thought we were supposed to be friends, best friends," he said in a near toneless voice, dragging his feet and failing to keep up with her fast paced, rigid strides.
One day, perhaps today, something would have to give. He looked at her, really looked at her, at her red hair trailing behind her while her back moved out of his reach and wondered when they had started drifting away from each other. He couldn't go on like this. He loved Lily, but the warm and soft feelings of their friendship had hardened into hard and sharp ridges that were hurting them into becoming strangers.
"We are Sev, but I don't like some of the people you're hanging 'round with! I'm sorry but I detest Avery and Mulciber! Mulciber! What do you see in him, Sev, he's creepy! D'you know what he tried to do to Mary Macdonald the other day?"
He watched her intently as she whirled around to lean on one of the deserted corridor's pillars, her entire posture radiating clear challenge.
Yes, he knew what he had done. Mulciber had heard that girl laugh about the Marauder's latest public humiliation of him and had shown her what exactly they had made him endure. How he had managed to recreate the nightmarish bubble of ice cold fog perfectly, he didn't know. But just like him, Amy or Mary or whatever had found herself surrounded by tiny droplets of water, frozen just enough to glitter prettily in the light while still tearing one's throat raw with each inspiration, every single one of them linked to the other by burning indigo lightning. Her screams, so similar to his own once the pain had been too much for him to endure silently, had been music to his ears.
He fought back a smile and let his hair drop so it would hide his face. It wouldn't do for him to let Lily know he still felt the girl, whom he knew kept putting him down every time she could around Lily, had gotten her just comeuppance. All of Madam Pomfrey's considerable healing skills hadn't been enough to make his own burn marks fade completely. The reminder that the girl's perfect porcelain skin would be forever marred just like his made pleasant tingles course through his body.
Mulciber wasn't a friend of his by any means, he was well aware of that. But though he, like Avery, left him to fend for himself when he was stupid enough to get caught by the Marauders, they always kept the pictures the laughing bystanders took from propagating and put a stop to many rumors. That was something even Lily never did.
He composed himself. Once he was certain his face was appropriately devoid of emotions, he flicked his hair back with a toss of the head and faced her anew.
"That was nothing."
Because if it was just a 'harmless prank' when it was done to him, a 'formidable display of beautiful charm work' that warranted the Marauders a rare 20 points each from Flitwick, the same should be said of Macdonald's plight.
"It was a laugh, that's all –"
Lily clenched her fists and red spread over her face in a flash, "it was Dark Magic, and if you think that's funny –"
"What about the stuff Potter and his mates get up to?" he demanded, his tone harsher than he had intended it to be.
Why was it always more important when it concerned her housemates? Did she really think he never saw how she was more and more reluctant and ashamed to associate with him? How she sometimes had to stop herself from smiling in the face of his pain and humiliation simply because she had the hots for Potter?
Lily sighed exasperatedly, "what's Potter Potter got to do with anything?"
He bit his lip hard enough to draw blood. The pain helped him calm down. He swiped his tongue over the cut and the taste of iron flooded his mouth. If only Dumbledore hadn't sworn him to silence...
"They sneak out at night. There's something weird about that Lupin. Where does he keep going?"
If Lily could let go of her assumption and try to look at things from his perspective for once, he would be able to make her understand and their friendship would be saved forever, he was sure of it.
But she frowned and Severus' hopes fell.
"He's ill. They say he's ill –"
"Every night at the full moon?" he interrupted her.
The sinking feeling that had been building exponentially in the pit of his stomach since the beginning of their conversation seemed to have reached its apex. If he didn't make her understand this time, they were never going to be able to overcome this new dissension.
The urgency was making him feel nauseous, like that one time Potter and his cronies had held him down because they had thought it would be hilarious to force-feed him a dozen of kidney pie they had charmed to look and move like prancing lions, like he was a goose in need of stuffing 'because he was too thin'. A year later and he still couldn't smell it without having to run to the toilets.
She waved a dismissive hand, "I know your theory."
Severus turned his eyes to the ceiling and pressed his lips together. He wanted to scream at her he knew for a fact it was the truth but her voice had gained that imperiously glacial quality it always had when she decided to blind herself to anything she didn't want to hear. So he held his tongue despite his growing despair and tried to plan for a way to reach her.
He wouldn't let it go, not this time. He would tear her blinders away from her eyes no matter what it took. They had gone beyond their usual humiliating tortures and had straight up tried to murder him. How long would it be before they tried this tactic on her too if she kept refusing Potter?
A nagging voice resembling Amycus Carrow's sniggered at the back of his mind that she had already started to prefer Potter's company over his anyway so he didn't need to worry about that.
He pushed the thought away. He wouldn't let his friend vulnerable to be utterly destroyed by those monsters in sheep's clothing.
"Why are you so obsessed with them anyway? Why do you care what they're doing at night?"
He opened his mouth to answer her but clicked his jaw shut.
What could he answer her? Because night-time was when they laid their traps for him and for the lone first and second year Slytherins who didn't have enough relations to protect them? It went far beyond that.
Those brain-dead bullies were so bereft of common sense they couldn't fathom they weren't the only ones who could disregard curfew. The prefects for one had their rounds to do. Yet every full moon, they let out a Werewolf on Hogwarts' grounds, not caring about all the couples who loved sneaking out for a walk under the moonlight, simply because they couldn't stand being denied their fun.
He gritted his teeth and forced his voice to stay calm and low when answering, "I'm just trying to show you they're not as wonderful as everyone seems to think they are."
"They don't use Dark Magic, though," she sneered and he wanted to scoff.
He often wondered what exactly she put behind the term. A Slytherin could use a Levitating Charm and the Gryffindors, her included, would label it Dark Magic and lead a campaign to forbid its use.
"And you're being really ungrateful. I heard about what happened the other night. You went sneaking down that tunnel by the Whomping Willow, and James Potter saved you from whatever's down there –"
"Saved? Saved?" he spluttered. "You think he was playing the hero? He was saving his neck and his friends' too!"
He took a few steps back from her and his head smacked against the wall. It did nothing to contain the hot wave of fury sweeping through him. He couldn't even bear to look at her anymore.
"You're not going to – I won't let you –"
"Let me? Let me?" she hissed, advancing towards him, her brilliant green eyes narrowed at him like an angry snake ready to strike.
"YES!" he screamed, all composure gone.
This was one lie too many. One injustice too many. Dumbledore could expulse him, he wasn't going to keep silent any longer. Wizards were just the same as Muggles in the end, especially Gryffindors. And Lily had just proven she was fully one of them.
"I won't let you tell me how to feel about the Marauders nearly killing me when you didn't even care enough to ask me about what happened that night!"
Breathing felt like inhaling water and drowning. He waited for her to say something. She always had a comeback ready. But for once, Lily was silent. She had stopped midstride in the middle of the corridor and was staring at him, eyes wide and mouth open on a word that remained stuck in her throat. It was the first time he'd ever screamed at her.
"What best friend you are, taking his word without question when you have heard him twist the truth to suit his needs before. So you knew something bad'd happened for two weeks and you didn't even deign to ask me about it? Didn't care enough to see if I was alright?" his voice was shrill and rising to heights he hadn't believed it capable of.
"I –"
"No! No, I've listened to you, I'm always listening to you telling me how bad I am, how good you and your friends are, how better than me and my housemates just because when you were eleven, a hat placed you in a dormitory in a tower instead of in the dungeons!"
He couldn't stop the onslaught of words from pouring out of his mouth. He didn't even want to. He was clenching his fists so hard his short, fingernails were managing to dig painfully into his palms.
"Black and Lupin tried to kill me that night. Kill me! And they thought it was fun! So did your perfect heroic Potter! 'A prank' he said," he scoffed. He felt tears gather at the edge of his eyes and angrily swiped a sleeve over his eyes to dispel them.
"And Dumbledore –" he choked, "Dumbledore took their side, like everyone always do. Like you always do since you started fancying him. Forced me stay silent but didn't exact the same promise from them."
He closed his eyes and did his best to force the new wave of tears back. He would not show his weaknesses to her anymore. Not to this stranger the precious girl he had taught everything he knew of magic to had become. She had openly decided to side with the Marauders over him. She was as good as an enemy now. What had she told them about him already? What secrets were they going to use against him?
He heard a choking sound and opened his eyes. Gone were her hostility and condescension. For the first time since the middle of their second year, she was being open and insecure with him.
"I'm sorry. I'm asking you now. What happened that night?"
Despite her trembling voice, her question only served to bring the enormity of her betrayal back to the fore.
"Now you want to know? A bit late isn't it?"
"Sev, please," her voice broke on the last word, but he didn't care anymore.
He felt a surge of vindication sweep through him. He had endured so much for so long for the sake of their friendship when in return, she had believed every lie she'd heard about him. He was tired of this one-sided relation. Tired of giving with his whole being and having to be happy with what little scraps of affection she threw his way in return. He should have listened to his housemates long ago and broke things off when Lucius had asked him to back in first year.
"They were right you know?"
"Who?" Lily's voice was uncharacteristically small and her eyes had become overly bright.
"My housemates. You're just like them in the end. Like the Marauders and the Muggles. You never cared about me, just about what I could give you. But you don't need me anymore, do you? You have found better tools like Potter and the other Gryffindors."
She flinched. The hurtful power of the truth.
"That's not true," she mouthed.
He laughed. It was loud and broken and beautifully freeing.
"You know it is. At least, the Slytherins are honest enough to tell me openly they think I'm beneath them," he gasped between two gusts of laughter. They were wracking his whole frame, it was becoming painful. Or was the pain only in his mind? Her useless denials were so amusing though.
"I know you think I'm dragging you down. But did you ever stop to consider how it was for me in Slytherin?" his smile was vicious and showing far too many teeth. "News flash Lils. The only reason none of my housemates ever stand up for me when they defend every other Slytherin is because we're friends."
She shook her head mutely to each of his fast paced accusations, slowly backing away until she tripped on her bag and her back hit the stone wall of the corridor she had originally leant against.
In contrast, Severus felt light, as though gravity had stopped affecting him. It was unexpectedly empowering to see her rendered mute while he was the one telling her the truth as he saw it. Finally, their roles were reversed.
"Did you realize this Dark Magic you say Avery and Mulciber cast on Macdonald was exactly what your precious Potter cursed me with last week?" he hissed, pressing his advantage and advancing on her.
Again, she shook her head, silent tears starting to trail down her cheeks.
"It's only a prank when it's directed at me, right? Otherwise, it's Dark Magic!" he laughed again, high pitched and sounding manic even to his own ears.
It struck him that it was the first time he had truly laughed in her company for months. When was the last time they had a positive interaction?
The thought shocked him into silence and he took a step back, drained. Observing Lily, he was struck by the realization she had stopped attempting to reason with him and was huddling against the wall.
He had never meant to scare her. He had never meant to say any of this. Not that he didn't believe every word he had just said, but he knew he had gone too far today.
He braced himself. He wouldn't give her the chance to retaliate. He had the upper hand right now. He had to make use of it. He had always thought the end of their friendship was something to be dreaded. But now, with the clarity only emotional exhaustion could give someone, he realized separation would free them both. They weren't meant to be anymore.
He took a slow breath through clenched teeth.
"I thought we were best friends, but perhaps we never were," his voice was lacking any inflection. "Perhaps it's for the best. It'll make Slytherin accept me so my life will become so much easier."
"Severus –"
"Don't pretend you haven't desperately wished for this," she flinched away from him, confirming he had struck a chord.
Without giving her time to gather herself, he continued, "you should be happy, you'll be the poor victim and your precious Potter would kill for a chance to console you. And I –" he choked. "I'll be expelled because Dumbledore swore he would throw me out if I ever told anyone about that night when your precious Marauders tricked me into going face to face with a Werewolf on a full moon!"
He giggled. The blessed numbness was gone and fear was crushing him, yet he felt light. The thought that he was laughing in the face of the unknown and the consequences of his actions like a Gryffindor made him laugh even harder.
"I was so stupid, I thought if I could catch them red-handed, the professors would finally have to punish them. I was so blind I walked right into their trap!"
He felt her hand reach for his but he batted it away, taking a step back in the process.
From the corner of his eye, he spied the edge of a green robe disappearing behind a suit of armor. He spared half a second to let the surprise register: no one bar some Ravenclaws ever favoured this part of the Castle.
He sighed, all feelings of amusement gone. They had both made their bed a long time ago. It was high time they lay in them.
"You've been the centre of my world ever since I met you," he forced himself to say though a clogged throat. "But I can see now it was never the same for you. No matter what I did, it was never enough."
"Good bye Lily," he murmured and walked away. He wanted to be alone when the heartbreak would bring him to his knees.
.
He distantly heard her sobbing but he didn't turn back. He couldn't turn back.
Lucius had been waiting for this letter for too long. Hopefully, he would manage to step in and help him stay at Hogwarts for the next two years or he would be able to help him deal with the fallout of his expulsion.
He could only hope the Malfoy Heir's expectations wouldn't be as impossible to meet as Lily's had been.
End notes
If you've read this until the end, thank you.
If you have the time and/or the inclination, I would love to know what you thought of this, if you liked it or not, or if you noticed things I could improve.
08/30/2018 edit
Since I posted this story, some of you have asked me if I intended to continue it. When writing it, I had intended for this fanfic to be a oneshot. Since then, I've tried to see if I could continue it (the many drafts and more or less complete outlines I have on my computer can attest to this). Unfortunately, none of my attempts satisfied me, so I've decided to let 'I won't let you' remain a oneshot.
My thanks and my apologies to all of you who inquired after other chapters: I'm happy and flattered you desired to read more, but this story feels complete to me, so it shall remain in its current state.
Thank you for your understanding.