Disclaimer: I do not own OHSHC (just copies of the manga for casual reading)

Kaoru's thoughts

"The one who is not me is Hikaru; the one who is not Hikaru is me. We exist together, as individuals, yet we cannot be split apart. We are twins. We are identical. We are completely the same but we are different. No one seems to get this simple contradiction that makes us up. The world must be full of idiots."

This is what Hikaru and I thought for our whole lives, as far back as either of us can remember.. At least, this was the case before we met Milord He changed our world forever, expanding it, growing it, cultivating it until we could no longer recognize what it used to be. He worked at our game while we abused him, and eventually convinced us that his stupid host club might not be such a bad thing to try. Temporarily, of course.

The two of us joined his club, fully intending to get bored and quit after a little while. One week tops is what we figured. Before, when we got tired and gave up on activities, we didn't care who felt bad or got because of our selfish actions. We just didn't care, and Tamaki seemed to be just another naive idiot who believed that we would play along with him forever. That just wasn't our style.

Notice how I said wasn't? That's why was so surprised when I realized just how much Milord had changed us. For the better, of course (not that either of us would ever admit it).

After that, I had gotten to some thinking, where would Hikaru and I be today if Milord hadn't tried to get to know us back in middle school? If he had never met us at all? If he hadn't gotten us to play along with his ideas? Right now, I am happy. I've grown up and become one of the co-directors of the Hitachin fashion line ad floral decorations along with Hikaru. I've met a wonderful woman and have since married her. I'm living a normal rich life.

It almost seems crazy, thinking about how we were back then. Not that we knew it at the time, but we were definitely depressed. We hated the world for being so boring, and we hated ourselves for not fitting in with the it. Contradiction, right?

This thought still troubles me: what if Tamaki had never met us?

Study period. What a boring "class." Hikaru and I were playing an online RPG that we'd found last week. It only took about ten minutes to figure out the game and get good enough to do whatever we wanted. It was easy.

Sadly, when it's that easy, it gets boring far too quickly.

"How about it Kaoru? Should we just quit? This game is getting boring." Hikaru asked.

"Sure Hikaru, You know how we feel about boring things."

"GAME OVER." we said together as we quit and powered off the machine.

Hikaru tucked the laptop away in his bag. We sat in silence, just staring at each other for a while. It might have been thirty seconds, it might have been ten minutes, I don't know, and I didn't really care all that much at the time. I was bored. I was tired. I know now that I was depressed, and I know that HIkaru felt the same. We are twins. We did everything together, at least until after we had known Tamaki for a while. But he doesn't come into this tangent.

Hikaru interrupted my boredom with a question, "This sucks. Now what do we do for the rest of study period?"

It was a very good question, but not one that I had an answer for, "I don't know, brother. Whatever we feel like, I guess?"

That just left us sitting there, isolated from the rest of the class. We lived in our own lonely world of just two, No one could enter, and we couldn't leave. Never could either of us have ever imagined our precious little world breaking or breaking open. No one could ever understand that we wanted recognition. Not just a simple "Oh yeah, that's Hikaru and Kaoru Hitachin. They're people, they're smart, they're fashionable, other meaningless compliments." We wanted people to distinguish between the two of us, but they couldn't just separate us. We are a single unit of two very different people. Those idiots outside our world just didn't get that, so we had to push them away.

We stared at the walls, the floor, the desks, each other, even our own eyelids until the period ended. Saved by the bell? Not just a saying. It's real. And new sound that provided even a second of relief from the endless boredom of our lives was a welcome gift.

Since it was last period, it also meant that school was over. We headed to our limo so that the chauffeur could drive us back to our mansion. The empty mansion. Empty except for us and the occasional staff member cleaning. We would be alone again tonight.

As it happens quite often, Hikaru and I are used to it by now. Hikaru and I do our best to occupy each other's thoughts until Mom and Dad get back from wherever it is they went this time. There was no reason to expect either of them home any time soon. Mom has her business meetings in Europe, and Dad has his electronics companies to manage over in America. They require personal visits sometimes, I hear. Upon arriving at the house, we would walk up the drive and enter the artificially heated house.

The silence in the house might be considered chilling by some, but this sort of atmosphere is almost normal for the two of us. Sometimes, when Mom and Dad had business trips at the same time, they would give all of the staff, save one or two maids, a vacation. If they weren't home, it's not like most of the staff would have jobs to do anyways. Hikaru and I either didn't exist, or they believed that we could take care of ourselves well enough. To this day, I'm still not sure exactly which of those they believed, and I'm not sure that I'll ever have the courage to ask.

I remember that I almost used to find comfort in this silence because I was just so used to being alone with Hikaru. Anything else would be an unwelcome disturbance to our typical lives. We give a simultaneous sigh as we head up the grand staircase, passing stunning flower arrangements that would have had most people staring. I suppose we'll probably e ordering pizza again tonight. Hey, maybe it's a commoner food, but who doesn't at least like some type of pizza? Crazy people, that's who. And people with no taste buds.

We sit alone in our dark and quiet room, neither of us picking up the phone to call. It's still too early for supper anyways.

That's when the familiar feeling stats to take over. The pain begins, creeping up from the diaphragm area, starting as a small tingling feeling. This small tingle quickly grows into an intense anxiety as it rises in my chest, our chests. I notice our breaths start to quicken in a futile attempt to flush out the uncomfortable feelings, but it only accelerates the growth of the pain. It expands into our lungs, making any breath at all a challenge.. I grip my shirt tightly, then cling to Hikaru as he clings himself to me. I hope for his brotherly support as he hopes for mine. We both want the same relief from this crushing pain, now drilling itself into our hearts. These hearts take it and bury it away, two hearts that will never open up to the world to share and release the pain. We won't even open them up to ourselves, for fear of the pain ripping us apart.

Maybe such co-dependence was a mistake, maybe it was unhealthy, but we didn't have any other options at the time. We only had each other, and neither of us wanted to see the other in any worse pain than he already was.

On this night, Hikaru told me something that I had never expected to hear from him.

"Kaoru, I need you to do something for me. You might object, but I promise it won't hurt me."

I was curious, and worried, to say the least, but not as worried as I was when he showed me the object he had been hiding in his hand. I don't know when he picked it up, but it must have been some time after we had gotten back to our room. He slowly opens his palm to reveal a small, thin, and very sharp blade.

"I want you to slice me, Kaoru, small but deep." Hikaru rolls up his sleeve and I can only stare at the single small red line on his arm. At least it didn't look deep, like it had barely drawn blood at all. "Right here, on my arm. You only need to go deep enough to make it bleed."

"Hikaru! I can't do that! It's a terrible idea! We shouldn't have to turn to something like that! You're my brother, and I care about you way too much to ever consider doing something like that." I stated, though not as firmly as I would have liked.

"Just listen to me, Kaoru. I would do the same for you if you asked. You can see, I tried it by myself once. You wouldn't believe it, but it helped. It was like some of the bad feelings flowed away with the blood from my arm. I couldn't go deep enough, though. I just got a few drops out, but even that was enough to feel better for a little while. Will you help me? And will you let me help you too?"

I know that I should have said "no" that day, and I knew then the implications. It was addictive, adrenaline and endorphins, I knew that I couldn't wear short sleeves anymore, and at the time, I was still nervous and unaffected. But I said "yes," and our lives changed that day. Hikaru just looked so desperate for a release, and I couldn't let him suffer any more than he already was. Not when I could do something about it, as much as I was opposed to this idea of hurting him like this.

"Okay Hikaru. Please forgive me." I tuned my head down as I accepted the blade he placed in my hand. I couldn't let him see the tears pooling in my eyes.

I put the blade on his arm just below the elbow so that it would easily be covered by our uniforms. None of that sleeve-tugging crap. I pinched my fingers tightly over the blade and slowly moved it across his arm, marking him with a bleeding red line. It bled slowly, so I mustn't have cut too deep. Thank goodness. Hikaru winced slightly as I started, but relaxed immediately after, even as I was dragging that piece of metal over his skin. He almost seemed to be enjoying the sensation it was providing. Did it really feel that good?

I found out just then when Hikaru took the blade in his hand and marked me the same way. At first, it was a shock. I didn't realize that he had taken my agreement as consent to cut me too. I thought I was only agreeing to help him, but he decided to help me too.

It was a thrilling experience. The first bite of the blade hurt, like getting pinched or getting a shot from the doctor, but it didn't stay painful. In fact, the pain was almost a relief. As the blade tore my skin, the tactile stimulation of the chafing against the side of the split just felt so new, so different. New things are interesting. New things are stimulating. New things are not boring, and anything that removes this boredom is good.

I suppose I was desperate, but can anyone really blame me? Blame either of us? This high was wonderful. A sharp pain accompanied by a consistent pain. It released the pressure building up inside, flowing out as crimson drops on my arm.

I knew then that I was hooked. We would repeat this every time we felt the loneliness start to sink in. We would never have to feel this bad anymore. We had a way to help ourselves, to hep each other.

As if sensing my thoughts, Hikaru leaned over on me and started sucking the blood from my arm.

"Hikaru, what are you doing? I asked.

""I am taking your blood into me, Kaoru. I need you to help me live. You are my brother, and I couldn't imagine my life without you. I'm not sure that I could live without you. You help ease my pain, and I am here to help ease yours. This just brings the physical pain more, releases the emotional pain more. Share your pain with me, I'll share mine with you. It's a promise, if you accept it."

I took Hikaru's arm up to my mouth and drank his blood. "We can't leave any evidence on the floor, now, can we?"

Maybe that was a little sick, but at the time, it just felt right. It was a promise, and it was a physical proof of our bond.

After that, we lay on the floor, huddled together, just enjoying the silent company of the other. After some time, maybe a few minutes, maybe a few hours, I ordered us two pizzas for supper. They arrived, hot, thick, gooey, and dripping with tomato sauce ad cheese. We ate, and we went to bed, feeling just a little bit lighter than we did most other days.

Believe it or not, it was later that week that Tamaki came up to us to ask us to join his club. Hikaru and I only bear a few small scars on each arm. They're barely visible anymore unless you know they're there and are looking for them. We can wear short-sleeved shirts and not feel self-conscious about it. When people ask, we can just say that it was an accident from when we were kids. There isn't enough evidence for them to believe otherwise.

If Tamaki hadn't come to us, though...

I'm sure we would have continued, maybe even gone further.

Over the next few days, we continued. Over the next few months we would have continued, gone deeper. Every day after arriving home from Ouran, we would repeat this ritual. Go upstairs, sit on our chairs, our beds, or the floor, and hold each other until the pain became too much. Then we would release it in a small stream of red.

We would be relying on these cuts to survive. Hikaru and I only made one per day, but maybe we would have gone further. Tried our legs, our stomachs, our shoulders, our backs. Maybe we would have cut multiple times per day so that we could get the same high that we did at the beginning. I wouldn't have even objected if either of us had made a much darker suggestion the next time our parents were gone for business.

"Kaoru, right now this ritual is giving us ecstasy and a temporary relief from this relentless pain that we feel every waking moment of every day. But this is only a temporary solution. I think we should make it permanent." is what Hikaru would say to me, "A final release from this pain would be the best, wouldn't it? Mom and Dad aren't coming back tonight, so how about it? No one at school will notice or care. They're all just idiots anyways, and I have a plan."

I might be uncertain at first, but I know myself and I know Hikaru. I know how our relationships work(ed). I trust my brother, and I trusted him at least as much back then. A final, permanent release from the loneliness that held us as victims would be welcome to me.

"Yes," I would say, "let me hear this plan."

"We need to die."

We would walk into he kitchen and take the pair of large chef knives from their spots in the knife block. Identical blades for identical twins.

We would be clasping our left hands together as we faced each other, holding the knives in our rights. Keeping perfectly calm, maybe a little excited, we would breath together and look each other in the eyes, knowing that what we were about to do would be right. One of us would me the knife to our left hand so that we could hold hands as we walked back upstairs to our room.

Our room was the safest place in the house, where we could always be together.

We found the spots on each other where the knives would slide through the ribcage towards our hearts, and held the knives thee carefully, my blade on his chest, and his on mine.

"When I count to three, we will push these blades through the other's chests. This way, we go together, you helping me, and me helping you. This will be just like the cuts, only bigger, better, and finally ending it all. Game over, right?" Hikaru would say.

"Game over." I would agree.

"1...2...3..." we would count together before we would feel the pain loom in our chests. It would hurt more than anything that we could imagine, but it wouldn't last long, before it would be over.

It would be beyond agony as we went deaf and blind to anything around us. Maybe the silence would e due to the blood loss, maybe it would be due to the lack of people in the ever-empty house, The only thing certain is that we wouldn't have survived and that we wouldn't have been found until the chef started looking for his knives and decided that he should ask us. It might take a few days and a lingering smell for him (or maybe a maid) to finally break down our door and walk in to find us dead on the floor.

Maybe they would have felt guilty for not noticing our downward spiral, our worsening complexions, our ripped up arms, or believing that we were sick and that that was why we couldn't/wouldn't leave our room. That wouldn't matter.

What would have mattered to us while we were alive would be how easy it was to welcome death and embrace it. Together, as brothers, helping each other to our final sanctuary where we no longer had to feel the loneliness that had become our every moment alive.

Thinking back to the day that we met Tamaki, I realize now just how close we were to losing everything. At most, it probably would have been a few months before we would have gone as for as thinking about suicide, if for no other reason than that it would have been something new to experience if cutting became boring.

Just by joining the host club, we gained so much. We began our lives, new, fresh. We lived real lives starting then. We lived. That alone is one huge difference in the outcomes. We became successes in our family's business. Milord really outdid himself, what he was trying to do y just getting us to socialize, open up, act kinder, and join his stupid club.

Yeah, it was just a stupid club, but it was also the best family that I and Hikaru had ever had.

I suppose this means that we owe him our lies, but he'll never know that. As much as I am grateful to him, Milord hasn't changed that much since high school. He can still act like such a little kid. Telling him something like this... Let's just say that it wouldn't end well. His first aid kit would surely suffer as Hikaru and I beat the crap out of him for his hugging and crying.

I am truly grateful to him, especially knowing all of the pain that he endured by coming to live in Japan instead of staying France. Maybe it's selfish of me, but I wouldn't wish for anything to happen any other way.