'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
'Twas the night before Christmas, when she set out on a mission, to put two rightful beings together, without raising suspicion… (also known as Crack Fic: Holiday Edition).
ONE
'Twas the night before Christmas, and not a soul was around,
It was abandoned, save for the lights in the background,
And then she appeared, so festive in red.
The festive spirit, by her it was led.
She looked around and looked about,
And knew it was no time to doubt,
It was Christmas, no one should be alone,
Not even her agents, though they were grown.
Her favorite agent – but shh, don't tell!
Her young almost-daughter; no, not Nell.
Neither were in sight, but no one was,
For the night before Christmas it 'twas.
And then her brain grew tired,
And the old Christmas ninja said,
"To hell with all this rhyming,
I'll say what I decide should be said!"
And so she left my evil control,
The old ninja broke out of my hold,
So now you deal with her, ASAP,
Man, I'm too old for this crap.
Henrietta Lange has but one wish this Christmas: to bring together her agents in time for the holidays.
You see, she's been watching Agents G Callen and Kensi Blye for a while now – quite a while - and is convinced that they would be perfect together. They share a sense of sarcasm, and bounce off each other, and are the only members of her team who look good in Christmas attire – the sweaters she had given everyone to herald the coming of winter, of course. Well, the ridiculously oversized sweaters that her second cousin's daughter had knitted for her a few years ago but that's irrelevant. They are perfect for her team, and fit them wonderfully, especially Callen and Kensi.
Hetty knows her plan will work. After all, they both share a profound love of… oh, surely there's something? Well, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that Hetty knows they'll be good together, and so together they'll be.
If she manages to push them together before Christmas, of course. Because what if they were to stand under the mistletoe with someone else over the holidays? What would become of her plan then?
Mistletoe.
Yes, mistletoe!
Hetty knows just what to do now.
And so it is decided that Henrietta will take it upon herself to play Christmas Ninja, the blessed angel of unions in L.A.
Well… certain parts of L.A.
Just one part, really.
For one union.
The devious ninja, she insisted,
That this horrible rhyming persisted,
My brain grows tired but she has candy cane,
Help me, I need a supervisor to complain!
The evil mastermind, a plan she had,
I didn't ask, I knew it was bad,
Then I saw a reindeer, a Santa and mistletoe, too!
Oh, the horror! Someone she was trying to woo!
Ah, but it wasn't for The Gaga and herself,
For today, she was playing helpful elf,
To bring together Callen and Kensi,
For this union had struck her fancy.
The offensive holiday sprig, it was hidden,
So the office and surroundings looked barren,
But under doorways and arches, there they were,
Proof of her dark nature, seen only by her.
And all around she glanced, the little helper,
For this one interference, she would bear their anger,
For she knew eventually they would see,
Together they belonged, Callen and Kensi.
Mistletoe.
Of course!
Hetty is positively dancing with glee. It won't be long now – her plan is set to start in a few more hours. Callen and Kensi have no plans for the holidays and will only be all too happy to help poor, old Hetty solve a special case… won't they?
Well, they have no choice, really, but Hetty isn't going to tell them that. No, she'll give them a choice – they could choose to accept nicely, or be dragged into the office on her authority. She really can be quite nice and reasonable sometimes.
Hetty completes a circuit of the office, checking her surroundings one final time. Mistletoe everywhere; thank God for the little sprigs. Tomorrow, no one will be here but her, Callen, Kensi and Eric. If all goes to plan, she's sure to get them under the mistletoe and they'll have no choice but to partake in the old holiday custom. Well, not Eric – he'll have to sit this one out.
Nothing can stop her now – nothing. By the end of the year, Callen and Kensi will be running around, trying to hide their growing relationship while she fakes ignorance. It will be hard to keep those knowing smiles to herself but that's a small price to pay. Oh, the things she does for her team.
Her little family, actually.
Sparing the office one last glance, Hetty picks up her bowl of candy canes and her phone, setting an alarm for three hours' time. At precisely 3.17 A.M., Callen and Kensi will each be receiving a very nice wake-up call, one they wouldn't possibly dream of resisting.
Not long now…
That evil ninja, she did it again,
Hid her intentions behind innocent snowmen,
And blame it all on the mistletoe, she'll say,
Before she winks and walks away.
Force them to work on Christmas Day,
That's the game she'll play,
And put them under mistletoe,
Where one would have to kiss their beau.
And poor Callen, and poor Kensi,
This will drive them into a frenzy,
For what good are feelings brought to light?
They know only trouble it will invite.
Yes, the little ninja had done it again,
Put dangerous mistletoe in their bullpen,
And on top of doorways and above arches,
Just to ensure that tomorrow, Kensi blushes.
'Twas the night before Christmas, and Hetty had a plan,
To bring together a special woman, and a special man,
In this very office, in fact, but for now she just called,
"Happy holidays and Merry Christmas to all!"
I hate myself for this right now, but it's Christmas so I figured I'd share and let you guys see, first-hand, what happens when you eat too much candy cane, play too many Christmas songs and have a 90-minute flight to will away.
A disaster happens, basically. If you're still here (you are a strong person!) and have somehow enjoyed this insanity, stay tuned for the second (and final, thank the gods!) part tomorrow.
E Salvatore,
December 2011.