Better Beer Slimy

Chapter 1

As Slimy Snail gets out of the water he takes off the inflatable rings around his arms that help him stay afloat and his shark fin goggles. He touches his bellybutton to ring up his codec and talks to Low Mane:

"Low Mane, I have an idea. I'll just ask them if we can apologize."

"Snail….you're an idiot. I say we go with Campbell's plan and sneak in to disarm their capabilities of launching the nuke."

"Campbell's…mmm better. What is Campbell doing?"

"He's having some soup"

"Chicken Noodle?"

"Tomato"

"Campbell's creamy tomato?"

"Yeah. Here is Imoan. She'll brief you on the special forces unit Wombat Shih-Tzu."

"Hi Snail. Wombat Shit Tzu is made of six members: Dana Carvey, a master of disguise, Piper Waffle, a beautiful musician and is also a chef at IHOP on her free time, Vulcan Ostrich, a 700 lb. fat Star Trek fan that is constantly cold because he doesn't wear a shirt, Skinny Grasshopper, a skinny guy that uses mind control and ESP to find out who celebrities have crushes on and then sells that info to tabloids, Super Soaker Old Guy, an old guy that's a master with….well…super soakers, and their leader, the person with the same code name as you Limy Snail. They are tough so you're gonna have to do your best."

"You don't have to tell me twice."

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 2

As Snail thinks to himself how he is going to get into base he comes up with a brilliant idea. He decides to knock out one of the two guards patrolling the docks and take his clothes.

He sneaks up behind one of the guards, gives him a wet willy and the guard falls unconscious to the ground. As Snail undresses the guard another one walks by and sees Snail taking off the pants of his squad mate. The guard smiles, gives a wink, and starts unbuttoning his fly. Snail lets out a scream:

"OH MY GOD. I don't like blades but in your case I'll make an exception."

Snail picks up the knife from the belt of the unconscious man on the ground and chases after the guard standing up.

After about an hour of running in circles, Snail catches up to him and stabs him a total of 500 times. Satisfied, Snails finishes getting dressed and goes up the elevator.

As Snail gets out of the elevator, he sees a giant robot and whispers to himself: "Metal Gear."

He calls Campbell on Codec: "Campbell, what is a nuclear equipped walking battle tank doing here?"

"Uhhh… I think its here to launch the nuke."

"Campbell, can I ask you something?"

"What?"

"Is your first name really Roy?"

"Yeah"

"So can I call you Roy Rogers?"

"No"

"But they have good burgers."

"Snail, stay focused!"

Just as he said that, Metal Gear collapses into a million pieces. A solider on the side raises his hand: "My bad. Left a screw out. Sorry."

Limy, standing in front of the pile of rubble shoots the solider, walks inside and asks what has he missed so far of "The Bachelorette".

Snail continues the talk: "So my missions over?"

"Wrong. You still have to find the PARKA chief and Legs-tech president."

"Got it."

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 3

Snail slips past all the guards and as he crawls through the vent he gets a codec call from Master Miller: "Hey Snail."

"Wazzzup."

"Wazzup"

"So what's up wit you?"

"Nothing. Watchin the dog races. Having a Miller."

"Why not a bud?"

"Because everyone likes their own brand."

Campbell chimes in: "You can say that again."

Miller asks: "Who's there?"

Snail responds: "Yo Campbell, pick up the Codec."

"Wazzup."

"Wazzup."

"Wazzup."

This goes on for about a minute. Then Campbell hangs up and Miller continues on: "Well I just want to let you know, Snake, if you need any help I'll be right here. I'm not an enemy."

"I never said you were."

"I'm not the leader of the terrorist group."

"I never said you were."

"I didn't kill the real Master Miller that lives about 20 miles away and buy this bad wig and sunglasses at the nearby 7-11 just to impersonate him in order to get the codes to launch the nuke from you."

"….."

"Uhhh….Gotta go. And by the way, the PARKA chief is in Cell 1 on the first basement of the building you're in."

"Thanks."

"See ya."

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 4

Snail reaches the first basement, gets in the vent above the cells and starts crawling around until he comes across an opening. Inside, someone is in a handstand position and doing one handed pushups.

"A woman?….No. Some guy dressed in drag."

Snail continues along until he comes to the PARKA chief's cell. He drops down and the chief hides under the bed.

"I'm not here to hurt you. Get up."

"Who are you?"

"Name's Slimy Snail."

"You look more like a Snake to me. Are you here to rescue me?"

"Yeah but to get intel first. What is this place?"

"It's supposed to be a storage facility for ice pops and ice cream, but it hides a deep dark secret."

"What is it?"

"It's an R&D site for….. Better Beer."

"What?"

"Throughout history the world has only been able to make beers with one trait: tastes great, less filling, cheap, etc. Even though they say it, not one beer company has been able to create an alcoholic beverage with all the qualities of a good beer. Better Beer will change that. We will create the beer and put it in place of the old beer at all the factories."

"Why not just market it as its own beer?"

"The truth is that everybody in the Middle East is right. All people do in this country is sit around and drink beer. Everyone thinks our economy is around oil. They're wrong. It's beer. Commercials too. Beer companies are the only ones who make commercials good enough to watch. Super Bowl is proof of that. If we market the perfect beer on its own, all the other beer companies will go out of business and this country will be launched into an ultimate depression. That is what the terrorists plan to do."

"Oh my God. Where is the Legs-tech president?"

"Second basement. Uhhh."

"What's going on?"

"I have to peeeeeeee?"

The PARKA chief grabs his groan in utter pain and hops around. He then falls to the ground.

"Campbell, the PARKA chief is dead. Looks like a hernia."

"Damn. The only black guy in this story and he is the first to die. Anyway go find the Legs-tech president right away."

"Got it."

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 5

Snail can't open the cell door. So he sits down and starts poking the PARKA chief's body with a stick. After about an hour the door opens. Snail walks outside and a gun is pointed at him. He sees the woman from before.

"Oh. It's the drag queen."

"Drag queen? How dare you say that?"

"Don't deny it. You're a guy. Your bicep is bigger than my whole body."

"I work out. Trust me. I'm a woman."

A sign of relief flows over Snail's face: "Hooo. Good. Because I got a good glimpse of your ass and I was beginning to question my sexuality for a second there. Your eyes. They're The Rookie's eyes."

"I'm no rookie."

"No. Not a rookie, the rookie. You know. The Disney movie with Dennis Quad."

"…?"

"Come on. You've seen it. Old guy is a pitcher and tries to play baseball. I cried three times. Good movie. You really don't know? Forget it."

"Who are you?"

"Snail, Slimy Snail."

"THE Slimy Snail. I've had sex drea…..I mean, dreams about you since I was a kid. You're a hero. A legend."

"No. I'm no hero….I'm a super hero!"

The door opens and 7 guards stand in the way. Snail screams and dives behind a desk. The woman shoots the guards without hesitation. Snail is surprised:

"Damn. You got mad squabbles, boy…..urgh…I mean girl. You got mad squabbles, girl. There you go, Snail."

"Good talking to you, Snail."

As the woman runs out of the room and to the elevator Snail chases after her. He tries to yell at her but just stares at her and has a little accident. Then a figure in a trench coat appears above the floor:

"That's it. Be a good boy…urgh…I mean girl. Come to daddy. We are gonna do a little dance, make a little love and get down tonight."

Snail calls Imoan on the Codec: "What was that?"

"Skinny Grasshopper. Watch out he's got mind control."

"Where's Campbell?"

"Eating Soup."

"Tomato?"

"Chicken Noodle."

"Campbell's soup?"

"Actually it's Chunky."

"Traitor. He's not supposed to be eating that. His name is Campbell. And besides, Donnovan McNabb lost in the NFC championship. Why is he eating his soup?"

"I don't know. He says to find the Legs-tech president."

"Got it."

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 6

Snail makes his was to the Second Basement and enters a room where the Legs-tech president is strapped to a wall. Snails walks over to the president and a voice speaks from the shadows:

"I wouldn't do that if I were you. There is fishing line around him and the slightest touch will set off the C4 that's attached to it."

"Hey, that's not C4. It's Play Doe."

"No. It's C4, you moron."

"Why wouldn't you open perfectly good Play Doe?"

"I can see you're an idiot. You must be Slimy Snail. The boss has told me about you. Allow myself to introduce….myself. I am Super Soaker Old Guy: the best water fighter in the world."

"And you're calling me an idiot. It's like 10 below zero outside and you want to have a water fight? Water fights are for the summer with girls and white t-shirts. You're going to catch a cold. Especially at your age."

"Silence. Do you know what this is? This is the Super Soaker XP 800. The greatest water gun ever made. Now you will find out why they call me Water Gun. Draw."

Old Guy runs right up to Snail pumping his water gun. He stops right in front and points his gun at Snail with one hand on the pump and one on the trigger. Snail doesn't flinch.

"Eat this."

Old Guy rapidly pumps and opens fire nailing Snail in the chest. Snail looks down at the water hitting his chest, looks up at Old Guy and just shakes his head in disgust.

But then an invisible figure drops from the ceiling. He cuts off Old Guy's hand and cuts the wire to the C4. Everyone is blown back. The invisible dude leaves, Old Guy runs away and Snail comforts the Legs-tech president:

"Are you okay?"

"Beer is being sold all over the black market."

"What?"

"Any small country can have a couple dozen beer factories."

"Huh?"

"BUF, or beer unaccounted for, is tripled every year."

"What are you talking about?"

"Hey, I have to say something at least somewhat similar to what my alternate self says in the game."

"True."

"Just find the hot man-chick, Cheryl, and have her tell you about Pal Limerick."

"Pal Limerick?"

"Yeah. He's the head developer of the Better Beer project."

"What was that thing back there?"

"Wombat Shih-Tzu's dirty little secret."

"The porno stacked behind the computers at HQ?"

"No. Not that. He's….you know what, I'm dying so I want to make my death scene pretty cool. Peace, I'm outta here."

He dies in Snail's arms. There is no reason to call Campbell.

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.

Chapter 6.5

Snail turns the corner and sees a man dressed in all black trying to pick a lock. On the man's head is a unique pair of goggles. Snail steps up to him:

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Owww. Oh gosh darn. Got a splinter. Oh well. Hello there. I'm trying to pick this lock."

"I know that, dumbass. What they hell are you doing here, you Solid Snake wannabe?"

"I'm here to stop the production of Better Beer."

"What's your name and please tell me what in God's name is on your head?"

"My name is Sam Fisher, CIA. And this is a night vision/thermal goggles headset."

"I don't believe I saw that in Radio Shack nor did I see Shaq advertising those things on one of his 50 commercials during the Super Bowl. I looked all through the Sharper Image and Best Buy catalogs but I still didn't see them. Please tell me how I get to 'turn on the fun' with those sh*ts."

"I got them specially made from CIA headquarters in Langley."

"I guess somebody really does beat the WIZ."

"If you excuse me now, I have work to do."

"Where are you from again?"

"Splinter Cell."

Snail takes out a gun, points it at Fisher's head and pulls the trigger. Snail then taunts Fisher's corpse lying on the ground:

"Now what? Huh? I don't see you getting X-Box Magazine's highest rating now, bitch. So how does it feel to swim with the fishes, Fisher? Maybe you'll make some friends. I mean, you do have the same name; fish, Fisher. What kind of name is Sam Fisher anyway? You sound like kindergarten teacher, you concept stealing, Syphon Filter wannabe."

Snail opens the door that Fisher was trying to unlock:

"Some Central Intelligence Agency, you are. I guess you couldn't get the intelligence that this door was already unlocked, you retard."

Snail pops some candy from his Snoopy PEZ dispenser in his mouth, lights a blunt and gets ready for action.