Walking through the castle was easier. Just walking. He didn't have to focus on the moment and could let his thoughts drift, unfocused, and free. He could distantly feel himself strolling through the twisting halls. He drifts thinking about the day and for moment he feels almost happy. The closest to peaceful he could ever get. He feels himself going through the motions, so familiar.
Then it hits him, and he can't breathe. He tries to bring himself back, to reconnect, and he can't. He just can't.
It reminds him, pulls him back to a time when he was desperate and alone. Back in time, or is it back to awareness? It doesn't matter.
It feels the same.
Everything is out of his reach. Nothing is real. Nothing at all. He can do nothing.
His thoughts still for a moment.
He knows exactly what it is. He has all along really. What else could it be? It has been, all along, it has been an illusion. Th- His trickery, His plan. Just another one of His concoctions, Another one of his realities.
Thor, rescuing him.
Frigga's kind words and loving actions.
Even the Warriors 4, finally accepting him.
Odin's effort.
All of them were false, all a false part of the illusion. To draw him into it. Make it so sweet that he would want to believe, would believe. But Loki knows that every good thing comes with a price. There is nothing given, only earned.
All of them, they being nice. So that they could break him later. It was all a part of the plan. There was no way it could ever be true. None.
In the end. They will be gone. And the pain will be back, like it always is. So much pain. TO the point that he'll think he'll die, and then past that. To the point that he would wish for it. Then even further to where he will die.
Although never permanent. His death always scares him. No matter how many times he dies.
He's going to die
He's going to die. And there's nothing he can do about it, there never is.
He's going to die, again, and again, and again, and again and again, and again, and again.
The neverending, painful cycle.
Thanos, he can barely bare to think the name. He let him come back. Lets him repair his relationship with Thor, with Frigga. Then they die. Right in front of him. Frigga's almost gone. How long until Thor's death? There have been seconds in between their deaths. There have been centuries. How long until the illusion's crumble? How long until he's sent back. Back to that rock of cold and ice. How long till he's back?
Because he's never left, never. He's stuck tere. There is no escape from the cycle.
Round and round and round and round he goes. Just another puppet for Thanos to use.
He can see himself, shaking on the ground. Crumbled against the wall. Sees himself pull at his hair in a way that should be painful. He only feels the faintest tugs.
He's going to die. Loki actually has no real objection to dying. But he never seems to stay dead, not for long. He just keeps coming back.
The cycle, death only throws him back into the throes of this endless war he's fighting. Throws him back into the pain. He will only ever return to the torture and the pain.
This time will be no different.
None of this is real.
He can feel tears tracking their way down his face, wet and cold.
This is not real.
He can taste the salt in his tounge. The cold stone against his back.
It will never be real.
He leans forward, sobbing so much harder. Falling into Thor's arms.
Thor firmly presses his head against Loki's. Mummering meaningless comforts that are easily drowned out by Loki's own sobbing
He wishes he knew what to do. Loki has once again locked himself away. Where Thor cannot reach him, no matter how desperately he tries.
All Thor can do is wrap his arms around his brother and try to calm his sobbing.
By the time Frigga finds them, Loki's crying has petered out. Thor weakly smiles when he sees her. Grateful for her presence, but unsure that she can change anything