Scully entered her partner's office. Mulder looked up.
Unfortunately, Mulder wasn't in his office at the time. He was officially Off-Screen. So, with magical omnipotence, the author will begin this story again.
Scully entered her partner's office. Mulder looked up. This time he was in the office. (Take that, creativity!)
"Hello, Scully," he said. "Nice weather we're having lately."
"Sex!" yelled Scully.
"What the hell?"
"I was just getting our readers' attention," she explained, sitting down on a chair. "Our conversation was getting pretty boring for a while there." She paused and looked around. "Sex!"
"Where?" demanded Mulder.
"Ha ha! Made you look!"
Mulder grimaced and glanced around uncomfortably. "Scully, there's something I should tell you."
"Are you sure you should tell me now?" asked Scully.
"Well –" he began, but she interrupted him.
"You could wait for the FBI Ball."
"There's no such thing."
"Or we could pose as a married couple."
"Did that. That show sucked, remember?"
"Well, then you could almost lose me to a monster-murderer."
Mulder rolled his eyes. "Thank you, Captain Originality."
"Look who's talking, Mr. Drama," Scully shot back. "I was only trying to make this a little more romantic, that's all."
"Well, fine," said Mulder, sticking out his tongue. "Maybe I won't tell you then."
"Fine," said Scully. She folded her arms and turned away sulkily.
"I won't tell you my life-changing message," continued Mulder.
"I don't want to hear it," said Scully, looking over her shoulder. Mulder saw her and she quickly pretended to stare out the window. Except there wasn't one. So she was screwed over.
"If you're sure…" he said, letting the sentence trail deliberately.
"OK!" she exclaimed. "I lied. I'm dying of curiosity. Tell me."
"Nope. You were mean to me, so I'm going to be mean to you."
Scully thought for a minute. "Can I guess?"
"Sure." Mulder shrugged.
"Is it about… a mineral?"
"No."
"A vegetable?"
"No."
Scully frowned in mock-concentration. "An animal?"
"Yeah, yeah!"
"Is it… 'Monkeys fly north'?"
"Wrong!"
"'I hate mice'?"
"You'll never guess."
"OK, Mulder," said Scully. She stood up and put her hands on her hips. "I give up. What is it?"
"I win! I win!" shouted Mulder, jumping up and down. "It was 'I love you'!"
"Made you say it!" yelled Scully, jumping up and down, too. "Made you say it!"
Mulder started to cry. "That's not fair!" he bawled. "Doggett! Scully's being mean to me!"
Doggett rushed in. "What's this all about?"
"She made me tell her I loved her!" whined Mulder, pointing at Scully.
"Wait!" exclaimed Scully. "I love you, too, Mulder!"
"Ew!!!! COOTIES!" yelled Doggett. He tried to escape but missed the door and ran into a wall.
"Really?" asked Mulder. He stopped crying at once. "That's great!"
"Mulder, this is just so terrific!" exclaimed Scully. She swooned. Then she didn't swoon. "I love you more than life itself!"
"Well, I love you more than two lives!"
"Well, I love you more than three."
"I love you more than ten!"
"Fifty!"
"One hundred!"
"A million!"
"A billion!"
"There's no such number as infinity plus one," complained Scully. "You're making it up."
Mulder looked around. The audience seemed to be getting bored. "Sex!"
"Agh! Super-cooties!" exclaimed Doggett, running into the wall again. This time he was knocked out for good.
"Anyone have a pottery wheel?" asked Scully. The theme from "Ghost" started to play.
"As you wish!" shouted Mulder, falling down a hill which magically happened to be in his office at the time. Then he and Scully waltzed around a ballroom to "Beauty and the Beast". "Frankly, Scully, I don't give a damn."
He and Scully flew through the air on a magic carpet. Then Mulder started to sing, "Can You Feel the Love Tonight". Then they both hand-jived at a school dance. Then they road a bicycle down the countryside singing "Raindrops Are Falling On My Head". Then they told each other their ages and danced around a gazebo. Then Scully fell asleep for a thousand years and Mulder kissed her awake. Then Scully ran off at midnight and left her glass shoe behind her. Then Mulder proposed marriage to Scully and swept her off her feet and carried her out the door. And then, like at the end of Romeo and Juliet –
"No 'and then'!" exclaimed Mulder hurriedly.
"What are we going to do, Mulder?" asked Scully. "You know the FBI doesn't want us together."
Just then, Skinner and Reyes entered in a marvellously well-timed, completely coincidental, not at all contrived by the author way. Okay, okay: they were listening outside the door. But the keyhole wasn't big enough for them to peep through. Which is the whole point of keyholes on television, so it was not any damn good to anyone, was it?
Skinner and Reyes took one look at what was going on and blew up into a million tiny pieces.
No, they didn't. But it would have been a lot easier for everyone if they had.
"What are you doing?!" said Skinner.
"I was just… helping Scully with her report…" said Mulder, backing away slowly.
Reyes waggled her eyebrows. "Oooh, 'helping her with her report', nudge nudge, wink wink."
"Right," said Scully. "Sir, this is completely my fault."
"Ooooooh," said Reyes, "so it's your fault, eh? That's the way you like it? Say no more."
"Would you shut up?" Scully snapped.
"Oooooooooh, so you want me to 'shut up', huh? Is that what you wanted from Mulder, too? Nudge nudge, wink wink?"
Skinner sighed. "Agent, are you interpreting everything they say as sexual innuendo?"
"Ooooooooooooh, sexual innuendo, eh? Nudge nudge, wink wi-"
At that point, Doggett, unable to stand even in his unconscious state the cootie-ridden speech going on, rolled over and hit Reyes over the head. She fell to the ground.
"I can't overlook this, Agents," said Skinner. He shifted uncomfortably. "When I walk in the room and find you kiss- um, no, you weren't really doing that… er, holding han- no, this is the X Files… wait a second… got it – when I walk into the room and find you looking at each other with dewy eyes full of shining tears, vowing your eternal love for each other –"
This could have gone on forever. Fortunately, the always quick-witted Doggett and Reyes smelled the smoke and pulled the story alarm. An efficient band of idiocy-fighters came and doused Skinner with a cliché extinguisher. Then they left and Doggett and Reyes got back to being unconscious.
"But, sir," protested Mulder. "We were only looking at each other."
"On the X Files," said Skinner severely, "a significant look or a touch of hand is like a sex scene from another show."
Mulder and Scully thought about this for a moment.
"Can we be on another show?" asked Mulder finally.
Reyes woke up momentarily to shout, "Oooooooooooooooh, another 'show'? Nudge nudge, wink wink?"
Skinner sighed. "I'm sorry, but individuality is forbidden in the Bureau," he said. "There's no 'I' in 'FBI'."
And then Scully found out Mulder was really a handsome frog – I mean prince - and Mulder found out Scully was really his mother and gouged out his eyes – oh, hang on, that's Oedipus, isn't it? – I meant, Mulder also found out Scully was a handsome prince – I mean beautiful prince – I mean beautiful frog whose name was Rumplestiltskin, and then she got really mad because he wouldn't give her his firstborn child – no, that's not right – well, they lived happily ever after, okay? And they called each other "Wookie-snookie-ookie-boodgie-ums" every day.