Black Light Constellations
Summary: She loves them both. But she thinks maybe they just love each other.
Pairing: James/Camille/Logan
Rating: M
AN: This is my first fan fiction in over a year and the first venture into writing Big Time Rush. I hope you'll welcome me to the fandom even if Jagan is not the most popular pairing. Currently looking for a beta if anyone would be so kind please PM me.
Chapter One
"I don't want to catch you with some other guy's face under your eyelids."
-Coquet Coquette, Of Montreal
The sixth (or is it seventh?) time Logan breaks up with her, Camille ends up losing her virginity to James in the back seat of the Big Time mobile hours later. Camille has always been one for dramatics, often times blurring reality and fiction but there's no sense of comfort in reenacting a Gossip Girl plot. James Diamond is no Chuck Bass and the Big Time mobile is no limo. She slept with her ex-boyfriend's best friend and that's that.
She's sure she will die from the guilt. Perfect as James Diamond may be, Camille has only ever loved the boy who's left her.
She keeps quiet as James zips up his jeans. He leans back into the seat and rests his legs on the center console. Camille has one hand in her hair and the other across her stomach. She lies across the back seat with her feet over James' lap. Neither has said a word since it began and she's afraid to say anything now. Her bra is still on but she's naked from the waist down. James run his hands up and down her leg but he's still not looking at her.
It's hot as the summer nights wind down. She feels James lean down above her. His fingers graze her cheeks before she feels the tears. She didn't even know she had started crying. He traces the raw bruises on her neck and she's still looking anywhere but at him.
"Sorry," he sighs. He sounds defeated. She's thrown by surprise. This is not the James Diamond she knows. This is not the boastful voice of smugness she expected.
"Not your fault," she replies. Really, she is every part responsible. She's always run to James when Logan breaks her heart; counts on him to kiss the pain away and make her forget for however temporary. James cares about his friendship with Logan enough to not say anything. It's not like they're cheating. This is different though. Despite the unstable nature of her relationship with Logan she always imagined her first time to be with the brown-eyed boy.
She's not angry with James. She's only angry at herself. She didn't exactly think straight when his hand moved up her dress. She didn't exactly say no when he removed her underwear. And she didn't exactly keep quiet with his tongue between her legs. She even remembers the slight nod when James looked into her eyes for consent.
"I'm sorry about you and Logan," he mumbles.
"Logan can't know about this," she all but pleads, "I have to have him back, James."
He doesn't reply. He continues tracing patterns on her neck and just nods.
"I'm sorry," she offers. She's not sure if an apology is necessary. It's not like this meant anything. Still, she's not entirely comfortable lying naked next to James and thinking of Logan.
"He's still leaving, you know." James brushes the hair out of her face.
"I know."
And she does. Logan is probably packing his bags as they speak. He's about to move halfway across the country. Harvard Med awaits. Her heart clenches at the thought.
"We should get back," he grabs her dress from the floor and lays it on her stomach.
She feels him lean forward and switch on the dim light in the car. He freezes.
"Camille", he chokes out, "I didn't know."
She follows his line of sight. Her eyes flicker to the stain on her thighs. She quickly tries to cover his come mixed with her blood on her pale skin. She was impure now. Fair from deserving of Logan Mitchell.
"It doesn't matter," she whispers. Her dress is back on and she's moved as far away from James as physically possible.
"I thought…"
"You should take me home." She mumbles.
"I thought you and Logan have…"
"We haven't." she corrects. She really does not want to have this conversation and especially with James of all people.
It's not that she hasn't tried. Every time she's been willing to give it up to Logan something always interferes. Every time they get one step closer to having sex one thing or another causes them to break up.
James asks no more questions and for that she's grateful.
She crawls into bed when she gets home and plans to never leave. She misses her audition the next morning. Logan doesn't call. She had intended to help him finish packing and see him off to the airport. Instead she watches 8 straight hours of Gossip Girl. She prays her life won't be as complicated as a teenage drama. All she wants is to love and to be loved in return. Surely that can't be too much to ask.
She's almost asleep when her phone buzzes. She frowns. It's not Logan.
Are you okay? – James
She doesn't reply.
Before she can set it down her phone buzzes again.
Just dropped Logan off at the airport. Thought you should know. – James
That's when Camille turns off her phone and begins to cry.