So, this began as writing a quick summary of SGU for a friend because I wanted her to listen to "Force Over Distance" by cleanwhiteroom and elementals. It became something else entirely…
I'm not sure how this fits in with the fanfic universe, but I thought "what the hell?"
I don't own SGU or a spaceship.
—-Part 1—-
(SOMEWHERE IN SPACE ON AN ANCIENT STARSHIP)
—CHAOS—
(FLASHBACK to SOMEWHERE on EARTH)
Eli: I was playing World of Warcraft, and you guys hid a puzzle in there hoping that Matthew Broderick would solve it and you could recruit him to help you. Instead, you got me.
Dr. Nicholas Rush: We'll take what we can get. Want to come to another planet to play World of Warcraft in real life?
Eli: Wait, what…?
Rush: Ok, then.
(on ANOTHER PLANET - ELI, RUSH, CHLOE, & HER DAD who is a senator APPEAR)
Col. Young: Welcome, Mr. Senator, to our top secret base.
Audience: Why does HE get to know about the top secret base?
Director: He's Senator of California. It's the biggest.
Col. Young: Meet the staff.
Senator Dad: Hey - Are you Lou Diamond Phillips?
Telford: No. My name is Colonel Telford.
Rush: Our objective is to dial a mystery gate address that we found. We are now going to fail to do so in front of all our financial backers because we didn't try this out before we called them from 20 light years away. This is an example of what NOT to do. Eli, I blame you.
Eli: What!?
Audience: We thought you were nice at first, but now we are beginning to think you are an asshole.
Rush: Allow me to convince you otherwise (Holds picture of a woman and listens to OPERA while CRYING)
Audience: Hmm… perhaps.
Col. Telford: Well… I guess I'd better get going. No reason. (leaves)
(THE PLANET IS ATTACKED)
Audience: Why?!
Col. Young: It doesn't matter! Move move move move move!
Eli: I'm a genius. I can help you figure out how to dial this mystery address.
Rush: Wonderful. Just in time for me to screw everyone over.
Eli: Oops.
Stargate: So, Will you take what's behind gate #1, #2, or do you want the MYSTERY GATE?
Rush: Mystery Gate!
Stargate: Done!
Rush: Brilliant.
(PLANET BEGINS TO BLOW UP)
Everyone else: OMG WHAT IS HAPPENING
(Col. Young finds TJ, the MEDICAL ASSISTANT in the hallway trying to revive the dead DOCTOR)
Col. Young: He's dead, Jim.
TJ: My name is TJ.
Col. Young: Oh, right. I should be able to remember that, especially since we slept together.
TJ: ….
Col. Young: It's too late for him, we have to go.
(EVERYONE escapes by going through the MYSTERY GATE)
(FLASHFORWARD to CHAOS on ANCIENT SHIP seen earlier)
Everyone: We need food, we need water, we need air, we need to figure out where we are. THIS SHIP IS WRECKED.
Rush: We are about 5 trillion billion light years from home. Don't even try to imagine how many otters that is, your pea minds couldn't even fathom it.
Audience: We knew it. You ARE an asshole.
Rush: Surprise!
—-Part 2—
(COL YOUNG is SEVERELY INJURED, SENATOR DAD is also SEVERELY INJURED. AIR is running out.)
Rush: I have to go to the bathroom.
Eli: Ok…
Rush: On Earth (leaves)
Eli: What!?
(RUSH uses MAGIC ROCKS to take a brief TELEPATHIC FIELD TRIP to EARTH)
(Later, back in GATE ROOM)
Rush: Hello, everybody!
Everybody: H-hello…
Rush: I went to Earth.
Everybody: HOW?
Rush: In my mind. Telepathically.
Everybody: …
Rush: So I'm in charge now.
Everybody: Oh HELL no.
Lt Scott: Everybody - I know you think Dr. Rush is an insane, overbearing asshole…
Rush: Hey!
Lt Scott: But he does have more knowledge about these systems than anyone else, so we should listen to him.
Everybody: (grumbles) Fine.
—-
Rush: Our Air must be running out because damaged portions of the ship are leaking it out into space. Also, the mechanism that is meant to scrub CO2 from the air is not functioning properly.
Scott: How do you know all this?
Rush: I found the CPU and translated the Ancient databases and figured out how to interface with the system.
Scott: We've only been here five minutes.
Rush: Yes, well.
Scott: Anything else you want to tell me?
Rush: Nope.
Scott: How do we find the leaks without endangering our lives?
Eli: I found a small floating camera machine. I call it a KINO.
Audience: Why?
Scott: Perfect. Let's use it.
Audience: WHY DO YOU CALL IT A KINO!?
(They use the KINO to search the ship and find the LEAK in a SHUTTLECRAFT attached to the ship. The windshield is cracked but the door will only stay closed from the inside)
Eli: Well, this sucks.
Rush: Someone is going to have to volunteer to suffocate to death to close the door from the inside. NOT IT.
Eli: Not it.
Scott: Not it.
Chloe: Not it.
TJ: Not it.
Col. Young: I'd like to, but, you know…
Senator Dad: …..
Chloe: Psst - Dad. You have to say 'Not it'
Senator Dad: What? Why?
Rush: Too late, you have to do it now.
Senator Dad: Fine. I'm a semi big name actor. I didn't want to be on your show, Anyways! (DIES)
Chloe: Dad! Nooo! RUSH! YOU KILLED MY DAD!
(CHLOE beats the SHIT out of DR RUSH)
Audience: Wooo! Yeah!
Rush: I didn't! I'm fairly certain the change in atmospheric pressure and lack of oxygen killed… ahh!
(CHLOE continues to BEAT him UP)
Eli: Is anyone going to stop this…?
TJ: Not it.
Scott: Not it.
—-
Col. Young: So, now that we've taken care of the problem with the air… how about that problem with the air?
Rush: We need to refill the CO2 filtration system on the ship. With rocks.
Sgt. Greer: Well, I've got…
Rush: NO. We need limestone. I told the ship what we needed and she should be dialing a gate to a planet with it right… about…. now.
(STARGATE OPENS)
Col. Young: So, you and the ship are talking now, are you?
Rush: Her name is Destiny.
Col. Young: I knew a stripper by that name once.
Rush: How dare you.
—PART 3—-
(ELI, RUSH, SCOTT, GREER, FRANKLIN, and some OTHER PEOPLE go through the Stargate to a DESERT PLANET)
Rush: The ship will jump to FTL again in 12 hours, so we have to find the limestone we need and get back before then.
Audience: What a random number. This is a like a mission in a video game. Is that a PSP you're using to dial the Stargate?
Rush: The sand near the stargate doesn't have enough lime in it. We have to explore the endless landscape with only a tiny hope of success.
Audience: Surprise.
—-
Col. Young: I need to report to Earth about what is going on.
(Uses MAGIC ROCKS aka COMMUNICATION STONES to teleport his consciousness to Earth. He materializes in Col. Telford's body)
Col. Young: (looks down at hands) This is weird. It's been a long time since I was inside another man.
Audience: Wait, what?
General O'Neill: What is going on, Young? The last person who came in front of me inside another man was Dr. Rush.
Audience: WAIT, WHAT!?
Col. Young: I'm sorry, Sir. I've been tied up.
Audience: ::grumbles::
—-
(ON DESERT PLANET)
Scott: We need to cover more ground. So we should probably split up.
Eli: No way! This violates the rules of every horror movie I've ever seen.
Scott: We aren't in a horror movie, Eli. This is a science fiction drama.
Eli: Oh, right. Whew.
(Scott, Greer, and Rush go One Direction, while Eli, Franklin and Other People go a different direction)
Scott: (takes a swig of red liquid) This Kool-aide is Awful.
Rush: That's the testing solution for the lime!
Scott: Oh! (spits it out). (looks over and sees a dust devil) Do you guys see that?
Greer: No. Think it might have something to do with those chemicals you just drank?
Rush: (sigh) This is hopeless. I can't go on. Just leave me here to die.
Greer: Ok.
Scott: We've only been walking five minutes, Rush.
Rush: I know, but walking is Hard. I didn't Realize.
Scott: Greer, take him back to the gate, ok? I'm going to go chase down the ghost I saw. Bye!
(Rush lays down in the sand)
Greer: And they locked ME up…
—-
Other People and Franklin: We give up. Let's completely abandon everyone and go to a different planet using the only possible means to leave.
Eli: I think that's a bad idea.
OP&F: Nah.
(Other People dial gate to other mystery world and step through)
Audience: We'll probably never see them again.
Franklin: Well, see you Eli… (walks towards gate then gets SHOT in the shoulder) What the HELL? Who SHOT me?
Rush: Greer did it!
Greer: You told me to!
Rush: You still did it.
Eli: He probably saved your life.
Rush: It's what I do.
—-
(Everyone except ELI & GREER go through the gate back to DESTINY. ELI waits at gate for GREER to find SCOTT)
(Greer finds Scott laying in the desert)
Greer: This is no time for sleeping!
Scott: Five minutes, Mom.
Greer: No!
Scott: I found the limestone! The ghosts showed me where they were!
Greer: Ok, man, listen - we have exactly 30 seconds to get back to the gate.
Scott: (sigh) Ok.
(They head towards the STARGATE)
Eli: I see them coming, but I don't think they are going to make it in time!
Rush: Eli, stick your right arm through the gate.
Eli: Ok (does)
Rush: Now, take your right arm out.
Eli: Ok…
Rush: Now, put your right arm in.
Eli: ….
Rush: And shake it all about.
Eli: Rush!
Rush: Do it, Eli - there might be a safeguard to keep the gate open even when the timeclock runs out if there is a person partway through it.
Eli: I don't want to lose my arm!
Rush: At least stick your hand in - if you do lose it just think about how you'll be just like Luke Skywalker. Before you die of dehydration and heat stroke and possibly blood loss.
Eli: You're always looking on the bright side.
Rush: Eli!
Eli: Ok! (does it)
(They watch the CLOCK count down to what is probably ZERO written in ANCIENT, but one assumes it's ZERO because it stops. The gate stays open)
Eli:Hurry up!
(SCOTT, GREER, then ELI come through the GATE, which then closes and the ship jumps to FTL)
Audience: Horray! They made it. What about those Other People…?
(They use the limestone on the filtration system, and the AIR begins to become clean)
Audience: Guys…? What happened to them?
(Chloe and Scott SHARE a MOMENT)
Audience: We'd just kinda like to know. I mean… can't you at least discuss the abstract possibilities of what happened?
(CREDITS)
Audience: Fine.