A/N: Takes place after the end of Endless Eight, when they begin their second year of school. Inspired by the South Park episode of the same name
Disclaimer: I totally own the Haruhi Suzumiya series, Kyoto Animation, and their various affiliates. Actually, I'm part of the shadowy guild that owns the entire media and entertainment industry. I make so much money off of you chumps who bought those figmas that cost me 50 yen a piece to make using slave labor. Feels good putting money in the bank.
"Oi, Haruhi. How the hell did we end up in the same class, again, in the exact same seats as we were last year?"
"Stupid Kyon, the main characters in anime always get these seats so they can look out the window in a pensive manner. Now quit lampshading, and listen up. I have big plans for the Brigade this year!"
It was the beginning of the second year for the SOS Brigade. Everyone was sitting in the clubroom after school, except Nagato, who, after spending 595 years reliving the same two weeks, finally got to go buy Disgaea 4, and understandably skipped school to play it. All seemed well. Mikuru was forced into a new costume for the year, this time a magical girl, Koizumi hit on Kyon all subtle like, Kyon facepalmed, and Haruhi ruled with an iron fist, while wearing a red armband.
"This weekend, we're going somewhere different for our mystery searches. Tsuruya has graciously allowed us to go on a hiking trip on a mountain her family owns. Her family's rich right? We'll probably find something cool, like an ancient treasure haunted by the spirits of cranes. Or maybe a hidden temple where members of the Tsuruya ninja clan train to fight against their mortal enemies. Kyon, bring a shovel. You're digging. Mikuru, dress up as a shrine maiden, to appease the spirits."
"A m-miko outfit? But where am I supposed to get one of those?"
"Don't worry, Mikuru-chan~ I got you covered with that. Oh, any scary spirits will fall over on the floor when they see you in a miko dress….." Haruhi started drooling.
Kyon pointed out flaws in Haruhi's speech like he had a degree in it. "Don't you think that anything interesting would have, I don't know, been found already by looters and grave robbers? And quit using Asahina-san as a tank, you wear the damned thing. Seriously, this plan is even shittier than when you wanted to make that movie."
"Quit complaining so much, Kyon! I'm giving you a penalty for being such a Debbie Downer. You're paying for everyones food when we meet up. It'll be fun, look on the bright side for once. You get to spend time outdoors with three hot girls, and one gay guy. What more could a pervert like you want?"
Half an hour later, Haruhi dragged the moeblob out of the clubroom with her to go find a miko outfit. Kyon was about to leave as well, when he was held back by Koizumi.
"Kyon-kun, you should heed Suzumiya-san's speech about looking on the bright side of things for once. Only seeing the flaws in things isn't good you know."
"What's so good about getting dragged around and having to sell my kidney to pay for everyone else's food? My blood pressure rate was high enough, having to deal with Haruhi when I had two kidneys! You know how many starving African children could be fed with the amount Haruhi eats on our little excursions? Probably like over nine thousand."
"Like Suzumiya-san said, you do get to spend time outdoors with three hot girls."
"And one gay guy. You wouldn't understand how annoying it is to be in the constant company of a girl who constantly treats you like shit, despite how obvious it is to the audience that she's totally hot for you. And another girl a large majority of the audience of the audience wants you to get with, despite the fact that she has the personality of a faulty microwave, which apparently is cute. And another girl the audience hates, and you can't get with anyways because of shitty time travel rules. It's a shitter experience than it would seem from the outside."
"Well, if none of the females interest you, there's always the dark side~" Koizumi had put his hand on Kyon's thigh all subtle like.
A few seconds later, the esper was laid out on the floor by Kyon's anti-rape bat.
"Also, a creepy ass-pirate who way too much of the audience wants me to get with."
And with that, the snarker walked out of the clubroom. Koizumi went home later, and sliced off the bruise that Kyon's anti-rape bat had made, and put it in his shrine dedicated to times he had bodily contact with Kyon.
An attempt at a humorous deconstruction, if that's a thing. Leave your reviews and/or death threats so that I can pay Liam Neeson to rescue my dog from the Japanese Mafia.
Updates coming whenever.