I haven't been watching Hollyoaks long, but was immediately drawn in by the whole Ste/Brendan thing. Hopefully this makes sense because there are probably some major gaps in my knowledge of the plot so far, so if any of it is wrong just tell me, and enjoy!

Warnings: A bit of language and a couple of sentences about some Smiths lyrics that you wont understand if you don't know the songs but it shouldn't matter too much...

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own fangirl tendancies.

Talk

He's being an idiot. He knows he's being an idiot but he just can't convince himself to do anything about it, and that just makes it worse. He's lucky. He has Rae and Rae is... well Rae's lovely isn't she? Lovely. Thing is, he's always had his issues with lovely. 'Cus he's lovely too. Sure he's done some dodgy stuff, God knows he used to be well twisted, but if you were to ask some of his friends/acquaintances to describe him in three words, he was sure lovely would come up sooner rather than later, now days, now he had a proper job and was a proper dad and had a proper girlfriend who he knew better than to hit (sorry Amy, so sorry.) Of course there was the whole secret sort-of-boyfriend thing too, but that was hardly common knowledge and the less said about that the better. He wasn't sure what to think about being lovely, not sure if it was something to be ashamed of or not, like walking around town with your mum or being home by ten, he knows he's too old for it to matter but he still feels slightly like that twat Sam Walker from Year 8 is about to jump out at him and call him queer because he doesn't like beating people up or playing COD. He reckons he's got a bit of a complex about being lovely, and the idea of being in a lovely couple with the lovely Rae and having a lovely domestic set-up is so stifling that he feels the need to scream just thinking about it. It's not that he doesn't want the kid, he's effectively proved the opposite, it's just... lovely. Urgh. It's about now he realises he must have always been a little bit twisted.

He feels a bit of cheat, like he has no right to be the little bit messed up in the head he assumes he is. Sure, his childhood was bollocks, but so is lots of peoples and they don't fall ridiculously hard for violent, emotionally distant, gum chewing and devastatingly magnetic guys, with a smoulder that would put Robert Downy Jr to shame. Or at least he supposed they didn't. 'Cus Brendan... well Brendan's not lovely. Brendan's exciting, Brendan's interesting and Brendan's dangerous. And he's utterly certain he's never fallen this hard this quick for anyone before in his life.

He remembers the first time he kissed another guy. Or rather another guy kissed him. He had been walking through town after school and a pack of those sporty wankers who were never going to like him because he can't score goals and he can't throw to save his life yelled "gayboy" at him from the other side of the road, and he just walked on by because school was over in a month and Johnny Haines would probably be in juvie by then because everybody knew it was him who nicked that TV from Mrs Hobbs' house while she was visiting her grandson in hospital. It was only later when he was walking home again, this time from clearing tables at a greasy spoon, and he met Johnny in the alley that he knew he shouldn't walk down because it was practically a given that you were going to get mugged or raped or murdered if you walked there enough, but five minutes was five minutes when it was drizzling and he just wanted to be home even if that meant walking down the kind of alley you see on Crimewatch. Then he thought he was in trouble, because a whole pack of boys sounded worse but really this was because when there's loads of them there are always a few with a conscience who stop things getting out of hand but when it was just him and this psycho (who everyone also knew put Mrs Hobbs' grandson in the hospital in the first place) that's when he really started to get scared because he quite liked his face how it is thank you very much.

"Alright Ste," Johnny had said and he had given a nervous nod and hoped that would be it. It wasn't. As he tried to walk past Johnny's arm shot out and blocked his path and he leant in far too close and he had been sure he was going to get twatted up, but instead Johnny ran a hand through his hair and pulled painfully hard before kissing him harder. It had been painful. It had been violent. It had been the sexiest thing that had ever happened to him. He had always wondered why it was him getting "queer" yelled at him when there were camper guys him in school, and this he supposed, was the answer.

So after having that as his first gay experience it wasn't really surprising that he was now obsessing over a guy as... difficult as Brendan. And difficult it certainly was, their relationship, if it could even be called a relationship, was.. well it was a bit of a fail really. The gay club incident for example... God. Thinking about it now, he almost found it funny, it was such a stupendously stupid idea. In Morrissey's words "I can smile about it now, but at the time it was terrible..." He'd always liked The Smiths – This Charming Man – how utterly Brendan was that? Then he wondered if that made the jumped up pantry boy who never knew his place and almost laughed again, before thinking again that he was really going a bit mad.

It was just so hard to tell. There were moments, fleeting and hard to spot,and all the more amazing for it, that he was sure, properly sure that Brendan did care.Maybe, possibly and oh God hopefully love him. But they were so outnumbered by emotions ranging from casual indifference to downright hatred, that he didn't know what to think. He hated that Brendan was so hard to read because sometimes it felt like not knowing him, like failing to get to know him, like having no impact on him at all. When Brendan got into that quiet calm mood he ever so occasionally did he felt the need to tell him everything about himself, the good stuff the bad stuff and the mind numbingly boring stuff because the idea of someone asking Brendan What was Ste's first gig? or something else as equally trivial and unlikely and Brendan knowing the answer (Oasis if you were wondering and it was mind blowing) is ridiculously appealing. He wants to tell him about the time he went on the school Spain trip and him and his mate Matt spent a week feigning food sickness so they could sneak down to the beach while the rest of the class had to go look at buildings and stuff, and about how he has an almost unhealthy obsession with CSI except not the Miami one because that Horatio guy creeps him out and how he got an A* in French at GCSE but he doesn't think he could tell Brendan how he feels about him in any language because whenever he tries to put his emotions into words he just feels the need to flail his arms about or cry or both which is not attractive and is certainly not an effective form of communication. And he's not sure if he wants to tell Brendan about being fluent in French because of the wanting-him-to-know-everything-thing or in a desperate attempt to prove he's not stupid because nothing makes him feel as inferior and useless as the fact that he's sure Brendan thinks he's thick.

He doesn't know anything about Brendan, not really. Not anything everyone doesn't know and he thinks that's what bothers him the most because even if he didn't love him he should still be more to him than a general acquaintance and that should mean knowing stuff. He's tried not to let it bother him because it's stupid really when Brendan's beaten him up and done some well illegal stuff that it's the thought of him not talking to him as much as he wished he would that really gets to him but when he told Rae, Rae, who he's never liked and never pretended to, about all that stuff he thought he'd just made up to get her to keep the baby, but it had been true and he'd never told him any of that and it made him so angry he dared a slight PDA and got threatened for his trouble but it barely even registered with him because he'd told fucking Rae...

He picks up his phone on a whim and texts Brendan before he can change his mind:

What are you thinking right now?

He always uses proper English when he texts Brendan, like he thinks he might frown on text speak, which he probably would, which is why he normally rings him when he has the courage to contact him at all – he always spells something wrong when he texts. But he doesn't want to hear the scorn in Brendan's voice if he thinks he's being stupid and if he doesn't get a reply he can tell himself Brendan's phone just isn't charged. However his phone buzzes quicker than he expected it too,

I was wondering whether to get drunk or come and see you.

It sounds more honest than he thought it would be and he cant help the giant teenage girl worthy smile that spreads over his face as he reads it.

Are they your only two options?

He even considers putting a kiss, but he doubts Brendan would return it and then he'd just get depressed again.

Sometimes I reckon they are, yeah.

That sounds strangely honest too, and he can't help but feel like he really likes where this conversation is going.

How about doing both? X

The kiss was probably too far, a lot of things are too far with Brendan but he's feeling cocky and confident but when Brendan takes more than 3 seconds to answer he immediately starts to regret it.

Now why didn't I think of that? Come over. I have whiskey. X

He grins again, even wider this time and the fact that it's more about the kiss than the fact that he's going to be getting his brains fucked out in the near future only makes him slightly embarrassed. He grabs his coat and is out the door in under a minute and really hopes Brendan is up for talking after because God knows he is.

Was it awful? I hope it wasn't awful.