dear cas
i never really knew what love was
or what it could mean
because it was the reason why
everything fell out of place
i never had time to look at somebody in the eye
and tell them that i loved them
why would i tell somebody something
i never understood
in fact something
that i never felt
i hear it all the time
on television
mom in my head
dad when he's sober
(i never felt complete)
and even when i did
it still wouldn't be enough
to stop myself from chugging liquor
down my throat
besides that was the closest thing to love
i could find
(and then it just got darker)
although i didn't know what it meant
love was the one thing that
kept me going
saving lives
seeing the smiles on peoples faces knowing i did something
and it got so dark to the point
i couldn't even see it anymore
i lost every will to live
i made up excuses
pretended i wasn't dying as much
lived a little more for every inch the gun came closer to my neck
went to hell for doing what was right
went to hell because i didn't know where else to go
but then just when i was about to give up
and surrender the last strip of humanity
that i had
you came
you know when people say
that there is light at the end of the tunnel?
i saw that for the first time
and for the first time it wasn't hellfire
it was hope
and grace
(and everything i could never be)
my mother's myth
forged into one being
who believed in the force of love
and yet you tried
and you tried
to show me the galaxies
to show me the scale of the world from the darkest pit
you were the first flicker of light
i have ever laid my eyes on
i used to think love
was the one thing i could never grasp
but when i saw you in hell that day
i finally understood