Dedicated to my dog, Ruff. d.10/17/2012.

Penny woke to the sound of a bark. Again. She sighed and lay awake for a little while. That would be Bolt barking to be taken out for the second time tonight. She glanced over at her clock. 4:00 AM. Another bark and she rolled out of bed. Normally she would have just let him out in the backyard for the night, but it had rained yesterday and the ground hadn't dried yet. She changed out of her pajamas, grabbed his leash, and made her way to the front door. Bolt was already there, panting and wagging his graying tail at seeing his person. She knelt down and stroked him as she attached the leash. As she did so she felt the strange growth she had found on his neck several weeks ago. Her mom was pretty sure it wasn't cancer or anything like that, but it still worried her. She stood up, opened the door, and started out with her dog. They had moved from their country house several years ago to this suburb, so the sidewalks were pretty well lit by the streetlights. She took him to a nearby fire hydrant to do his business. She wished she could bring him to her bed when they got back, but his joints were too weak for him to get on or off without being carried, and he still tried to get off himself. He always had been a determined dog. When they got back Bolt made his way to his dog bed in the living room, tail still wagging. As Penny made her way down the hall back to her bedroom, her mom stepped out of her own room.

"Penny, I'm sorry, but I've made a decision. We're going to take him to the vet this afternoon and have him put down."

Penny took a sharp breath as her heart seemed to stop. She'd known for around a year that Bolt was getting too old and sick to keep around for much longer, but it still came as a shock.

"Right now," continued her mother with tears in her eyes, "we're just waiting for something terrible to happen to him. The vet says he's in constant pain even though he doesn't act like it, you're always busy at college, and frankly, it just isn't safe for you to take him out by yourself in the middle of the night."

Tears were beginning to flow down Penny's eyes as well. Everything her mom had said made sense, and she knew she couldn't talk her out of it. Even so...

"I know. It's just...I feel like I haven't done enough for him." For nearly five years she had played along with the director's deception of Bolt into thinking he had superpowers. This lie always kept him in the studio, where he never got to see the sun, feel real wind, or play with other dogs. Then he had disappeared, and she let herself be talked into not looking for him. Yet in spite of everything she had done, Bolt had returned just in time to save her from a fire, nearly dying himself in the process. On the other hand, she had always done her best to make Bolt's life the best she could, and tried to convince the studio executives and her agent to let her take Bolt to see the real world and be a real dog. Also, after her mom pulled them out of the show she had done a lot to make up for lost time. Unfortunately, that didn't stop her from feeling guilty.

"I know sweetie, it's hard," said her mom, pulling Penny into a hug. "But it's come to where the best thing you can do for him is to say good-bye before he gets worse." She let go of her daughter. "Don't worry about waking up early, you can sleep in." Without a word Penny went back to her room, changed back into her PJs, and climbed back into bed. She spent the next half-hour wondering if she had the strength to do this.

Bolt woke up several hours later. He yawned, scratched himself, and stretched. A sharp pain in his gut caused him to stop his stretch short, and he barely stopped himself from yelping. Between his liver, his joints, and his nearly constant hunger and thirst, it was a wonder he could make it through the day. Yet wonders he continued to perform, he had to, if he stopped then he wouldn't be able to help Penny. He may no longer be able to protect her like he once did, but he could still keep her company. He lived for seeing her smile, and would continue to do all he could until the day he died.

He started for the kitchen to get his food and water. Penny's mom was already up making cereal. He remembered hearing her talk to Penny last night after his second walk, but in his old age he had also become hard of hearing. He wished he hadn't had to wake Penny up at all, but it was either that or go inside, which would also make Penny unhappy. Although he didn't want to admit it, even to himself, he had enjoyed the time he had gotten to spend with Penny, in spite of waking her up to do so. She was almost always either at the community college, or else doing homework. Today, though, she only had online work, so he could sit in her room with her as she worked.

Just then Penny came in. Her eyes were glistening and her shoulders were sagged. Bolt could tell something was wrong, so he intercepted her and rubbed against her leg. She looked down but didn't smile, instead she seemed to slump more. Had something happened? Penny opened her mouth, but the phone interrupted her.

"I'll get it," said Penny's mom as she left, leaving the dog and his person alone together. Penny sat down on the floor in front of him.

"Bolt," she choked out, "first, I want to tell you that this isn't at all your fault." What wasn't his fault? Now he was really worried. "This afternoon," she continued, "we're going to take you to the vet and...and..." she took a deep breath to calm herself. "You're going to be put down." What? But, what had he...no, she had said it wasn't his fault. But why? He waited a bit, and Penny continued.

"The vet says you're in pain." In spite of himself Bolt glanced away. He'd tried to keep it hidden so Penny wouldn't worry, but it seemed that hadn't worked. "It's not going to get better," she said, "and it would be selfish of me to keep you here until something really bad happened." But he could handle it! Let her be selfish, he didn't mind! "Also," Penny said, seeing Bolt's frustration, "mom thinks it's not safe for me to take you on walks at night." Bolt's eyes widened. He hadn't even considered that he might be putting Penny in danger! He shook himself. He hadn't known, and nothing had happened. He had done all he could do. It was time for him to go.

As the two of them ate their respective breakfasts, Bolt thought about what would happen after he was gone. He was surprised to find that he wasn't concerned at all about whether Penny would be able to take care of herself. Maybe it was because on the show he had always believed that if he died it would be in a way that would save her once and for all, maybe it was just that she was less than a week from turning 19, or maybe it was because he knew now that she was a christian and would be well looked after. Whatever the reason, he felt more anxiety over whether he would be alright than he did for Penny. He knew, obviously, that his body wouldn't survive, but even after so many years to ponder the subject, he still didn't know whether he, as an animal, had an immortal soul like the humans. Would he be able to greet Penny when she got to heaven, or would he fall asleep never to wake up again? He hoped for the former and feared the latter, and by the time he knew for sure it would be too late.

"Now stop it," he told himself. "You've risked worse deaths both on the show and in real life, you are not going to start being afraid now." It didn't really help.

Penny tried to lose herself in her school work, but it was hard when Bolt was lying next to her. She needed to get her work done now since she wouldn't have time this afternoon. She glanced down at Bolt. For a moment he had a look in his eyes that she had never seen before, but it disappeared when he noticed her looking. Was Bolt scared? Even now, as he wagged his tail and gave a little bark of encouragement, his stance seemed a little off, like he was trying to hide how he felt but wasn't quite succeeding. She supposed it was natural under the circumstances, but there was nothing she could do to comfort him. Her heart clenched and she turned back to the computer. Another thing she couldn't do for him.

Late in the morning her mom called her to her bedroom. "Sweetie," she said, "I just wanted to let you know that the vet will ask if you want see Bolt after they finish." Penny thought about it. She didn't know which was worse, seeing him walk off and then never see him again, or seeing his lifeless corpse? She wasn't sure if she could stand that, but with all the things she had neglected to do for Bolt, couldn't she at least honor his body? On the other hand, it wasn't like the dog would care then, but still.

"Also," her mother added, "they will probably ask if you want to watch as they put him down."

"No!" Penny answered immediately. Seeing him dead would be bad enough, but there was no way on Earth she could stand by and do nothing as she watched him die. Every second of it would feel like a betrayal.

"Okay," her mom said, "just wanted to let you know. You don't have to decide whether to see him afterwards yet, I just wanted to let you know now so you would have time to think." Penny nodded and asked to be excused. A thought struck her on her way back to her room. Would Bolt want her to be there as at the end? She pinched the bridge of her nose and leaned against the wall. She knew how she'd feel, but would he handle it better if she were there to comfort him? Or would he view it as a betrayal too? She decided to let it simmer for a while, maybe she would work up the courage to do one of those things by the time they got to the vet.

After lunch she took him for one last walk. They took their time going around the block, partly because Bolt could not walk as fast as he used to, partly because Penny wanted to savor this moment, bittersweet though it was. When they got back Penny's mom told them she would be ready in a few minutes.

"But you can take as long as you like," she added before heading to the bathroom. Penny sat down and gestured for Bolt to get on her lap, which he did. Penny softly stroked his thinning fur, trying to memorize his feel. They sat enjoying each other's company like this for several minutes, until Bolt suddenly rolled off her lap and trotted to the corner. He bent down and picked something up in his mouth before coming back and rolling over onto his back, grinning up at her. It was Mister Carrot, the squeaky toy Bolt had been playing with the day she had got him. It looked if possible more worn down than Bolt, having been chewed on for years and lost for a while within the burnt studio before the firemen found it and returned it to them. Penny knew what he wanted and started rubbing his belly which sent his tail wagging faster than it had done in weeks. She smiled at the sight and gave a small laugh. It didn't matter how old he was, he still acted like a puppy. There was no doubt about it, she loved her dog. She glanced up to see her mother smiling nearby. She then turned her attention back to Bolt, gnawing on his carrot and giving the cute look he had started using after he had disappeared. She tried to get a read on his emotions, and was glad to find that Bolt didn't seem to be trying to make Penny or her mom change their minds, he was just having fun and trying to lift her spirits. Finally though, they had to stop. Penny reattached his leash and stood up, Bolt following suit with a trace of worry in his face.

"Come on boy," she said taking a deep breath to hold back the returning sadness, "it's time to go."

With Mr. Carrot in his mouth, Bolt let Penny lift him into the car. He hadn't been able to stick his head out the window in years, ever since he had fallen off the seat when the car had made a sudden stop and he dislocated his hip. So he lay down at Penny's feet as she gripped his collar to keep him steady and stuck his face in the air vent instead. Penny stroked and petted him the whole way, but she never spoke, giving him time to think. He still hadn't quite settled in his mind whether or not he had a soul.

"What if I have one and these doubts show my lack of faith?" he thought. "What if I don't and I'm just deluding myself again? Although, come to think of it, if that's the case then it doesn't really matter what I think, does it?" He figured there were only two possibilities, either he had a soul or he didn't. If he didn't, like he had just said to himself, it wouldn't matter either way. If he did have one, then if he believed that he had one and gave it to Him he would go to heaven. If he doubted, he would spend eternity apart from Him. It would seem that believing would be the obvious choice, since it always led to an even outcome at worst to disbelief, but if only there was a way he could find out. There was one thing Penny did when she had questions of this sort...

"Lord," he whispered, "I don't know if You are listening to me but if you are, I need Your help. I'm afraid, and I'm not used to it. I want to believe that You will take me to heaven, yet I keep imagining what will happen if You don't. Could You help me with my faith in you?"

Just then the car pulled up to the vet's office. Penny got out of the car and then helped Bolt down. She reattached his leash and led him to the door. They stepped into the lobby as her mom talked with the woman at the counter. Penny sat down on a bench and pet Bolt as they waited. After a few minutes the one of the vets stepped over to the side.

"Have him step onto the scale," she said, gesturing at a metal platform on the ground.

"Why do," began Penny before her eyes widened for a moment and she turned her head aside. "Oh, right. You need to know the right dosage."

"Yes." Slowly the two walked over. Bolt had been here before and knew what to do, although he wasn't sure what they meant by dosage. "Do you want to watch?" the vet asked.

"No," said Penny throwing an apologetic look at Bolt. He couldn't blame her, the sight of her almost dying in the studio fire all those years ago had nearly torn his heart in two, and the only way he could ease it was by staying with her, but he had expected to save her or die trying. Dying with him wasn't an option for Penny, and he was to old to save. Besides, if he couldn't ease his own fears, what right would he have to want Penny to do so? Right now he couldn't care less where he ended up so long as he could at least die bravely for Penny. Yet if God hadn't given him a soul...

He stopped his thought halfway. If the Lord had seen fit to not give him a soul, then who was he to argue? It wasn't like He didn't care for animals, he distinctly remembered Penny reading about how he watches the sparrows, and by extension, the other creatures. Hope surged in his heart. He realized his fears had stemmed from believing that if God didn't send him to heaven it would mean he had never been cared about, but that wasn't true. Slowly his fear drained away to be replaced by, to his surprise, excitement. He no longer saw death as something to be feared, but as an adventure to go on, a leap over the edge which would either bring him to paradise or lead to an eternal fall, but in either case it would be a hero's ending.

Done being weighed, Bolt walked to the side of the lobby with Penny, and the two sat down on the ground. Bolt looked up at his person's face. While he no longer feared for himself, he still felt sad that he had to leave her behind. Penny pulled him into a firm embrace. He could feel that this would be the last one.

"It's okay," he whispered, even though he knew she couldn't understand him. "Don't let memories of me hold you back. I'm not saying you should forget me, but you have an amazing life ahead of you. Let me be a reason to live up to your potential."

Although it was unlikely that it had anything to do with what he said, Penny slowly let go of him and gave him a kiss on the forehead.

"You're my good boy," she said one last time. Without getting up from her spot she handed the leash to the vet and Bolt followed her, his tail wagging till he had passed through the door and out of Penny's sight, ready for his last adventure.

Penny sat without moving in the same spot for several minutes, staring at the floor where Bolt had been a short time before. At least she had made her decision irrevocably now, small comfort though it was. Finally she got up onto a nearby bench near her mother. She sat thinking about all the things she and her dog had done over the years. After a while she began to wonder what was taking so long, then she hung her head in shame. How could she want Bolt to die sooner? She pushed those thoughts from her head and forced herself to be patient. Eventually she felt calm enough to talk and turned to face her mom.

"Have you ever lost a pet?" she asked.

The older woman sighed, looking back at her daughter with an expression nearly as sad as her own. "I had some gerbils when I was a kid, but I never had one who had been in my life for as long as Bolt has."

Penny turned away. So she couldn't get advice for how to handle this from her like she had hoped. The disappointment drove her deeper into her mostly bitter bittersweet thoughts. After what seemed like an eternity, another vet walked out of the door Bolt had gone through.

"It's done. Would you like to see him now?"

The confirmation that her best friend was dead struck like a blow, but she still gave an affirmative nod. She stepped through into the next room. In the middle of the floor was a quilt-like blanket. Poking out from under the side of the blanket were four white paws, and out of the side nearest to her lay Bolt's head. She hadn't expected the blanket, yet she was thankful for it, it helped create the illusion that he was merely asleep, easing the hurt. She knelt down beside him. Although she knew it would be in vain, she watched him for any sign of breath. Yet try as she might, she could find no movement in his body. Gingerly, she stroked his lifeless muzzle, shuddering slightly as she did. She leaned in closer and realized his eyes were still half open. She hadn't truly realized before what it was like to gaze into the unseeing eyes of someone you knew so well. She had hoped to find them closed in rest, but it looked as if he had been struggling to stay alive.

"No," she thought, "not struggling, just trying to squeeze as much as he could out of life. He always had been stubborn." Even with this reassuring thought, she could not stand to look at those eyes for long. She pushed herself to her feet and walked out with as much composure as she could muster. Outside the first vet held several items out to her. One was Mr. Carrot, perhaps he had been looking at that in his last moments. The second was the leash she had used, but he had had plenty of those over the years, but the third somewhat surprised her as she had not noticed it missing before, his collar. She had given it to him the day she got him, they had always loosened it rather than replace it. She took them with a soft thank you and walked out the door, her mother following close behind. She sat in the passenger seat of the car and gazed at the items in her hand as they drove away. Silent tears flowed down her cheeks. How would she ever recover? When she had tried when he had gone missing she had been unable to go for an hour at a time without thinking of him. Suddenly, the thought of that difficult time brought up a memory of what Mindy Parker, the network representative, had told her.

"...the last thing we want is for a little girl to make a grown-up decision, but its come to that. We need you to move on. We need you to let Bolt go."

And now she was a grown-up. Letting go wasn't really easier than before, although now it truly was impossible to get him back.

"What would Bolt want me to do?" she wondered. "Let me be a reason to live up to your potential." She didn't know whether that was her own thoughts or something else, but when she thought about it, it was good advice. She would never forget him, but she could use those memories to her advantage. She could help others going through similar tough times, she could live as someone Bolt would be proud of, and she could use her happier memories to bring joy to her heart when she was sad. She glanced down at the precious items in her hands. Yes, she could do all that. Her vision blurred as more tears came.

"After I finish crying."