A/N: This was the original first chapter of my ongoing KOTOR fic, "Heart of a Padawan". I decided to replace it, as it didn't fit in with the overall mood of the fic, and noticeably put some readers off, judging from the amount of reviews, favorites and alerts I got for my other KOTOR story, "Torn". Consequently, I've decided to shift this here as a oneshot.
Please leave your reviews for this story, but more importantly, head over to my profile to find the above two aforementioned main KOTOR fics I've been working on, and read and review them, please. Readers' feedback is much appreciated.
DISCLAIMER: Star Wars, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic and all characters and other items within it, are the sole property of LucasArts and LucasFilm Ltd.
Choices
Mission, in another one of her tedious strolls, decided to have a short walk around the Ebon Hawk, walking rather aimlessly room to room. Her boredom had been temporarily suppressed after Jaden had found the young girl Sasha, upon which she usually stayed aboard the ship while the others accompanied Jaden on the quest for the Star Maps, and (attempted to) speak with the young stowaway girl. Despite the obvious language barrier, they soon became close friends as they continuously talked to one another, and Sasha soon became something of a younger sister to Mission. After Sasha's departure, Mission became rather lonely again, and made up for her boredom by either playing Pazaak alone, or doing what she was doing at present – wandering aimlessly on board the Ebon Hawk.
'Sheesh…I wonder if those two ever give it a rest,' she thought as she passed by the garage, where HK-47 and Canderous were once again augmenting their weapons.
"Now why would I want to attach a scope to my heavy repeater, when I can attach this power cell which allows me to double my firepower and firing rate, huh?" Canderous asked HK.
"Statement: My assassination protocol compels me to resort to measures which are more discrete than the ostentatious method which you suggest. It would defeat my own purpose as an assassination droid, if I were to leave body parts and metallic bolts suspiciously lying everywhere, would it not?"
"Aah, shut it. It's my repeater, so I can do with it whatever I want, droid," Canderous grunted. "And besides, assassination is not the way of a true Mandalorian. We expect the best out of our opponents in open battle, and in turn, we meet them with our best, in a test of true valor and might."
"Derogatory concession: As you wish, numskull meatbag."
Mission silently grinned to herself as Canderous glared at HK, before the two of them continued their work. Looking to her left as she was just about to pass by the medical bay, she saw Jolee touching up on some medpacs and life support packs, and silently looked over his shoulder.
"Can't you ever sit still for just five minutes, girl?" Jolee grumbled, and mumbled to himself as Mission backed away and walked into the main hold. "Young whippersnappers these days…"
Stretching her arms up in the air, Mission gave a yawn as she walked to the port dormitory, where she usually hung around. Turning into the room, she was surprised – yet equally unsurprised – as she saw Bastila meditating on her knees, facing in her direction.
Then, a cheeky idea came to Mission's mind. She walked silently over to her bed, and then proceeded to twist and turn about as if she was uncomfortable. After a few seconds' wait, Bastila, clearly annoyed, broke her meditation and gruffly complained to the young twi'lek.
"Mission, what in the Force's name are you doing? Can't you see that I'm trying to meditate?"
"Geez, chill out a bit, Bastila, I was just uncomfortable in bed, is all!" Mission cheekily lied, before starting to tease her. "And besides, why are you meditating so much lately? You never meditated this much barely a week ago!"
"There's…too many disturbances and conflicts lately. I need time to refocus myself on the mission, as well as what lies ahead," Bastila answered, lowering her head and closing her eyes again.
"…Disturbances and conflicts?" Mission giggled, purposely adding emphasis to the end of the two words. "As much as I know, there's probably only one such thing in your mind at the moment. And guess what? I think it's Jaden!"
Bastila's face flushed a pale red as her head jerked slightly towards Mission, but she then refocused herself – or at least tried to – on her meditation.
Mission simply burst out in laughter. "So it is about Jaden!"
"Mission, no! Remember – I'm a Jedi. Our minds are meant to be disciplined, so that we don't think about such-" Bastila nervously insisted, before Mission cut her off.
"'Meant to be'? I don't know about you, Bas, but I can take a pretty good guess that your mind isn't that much disciplined as you make it seem!" Mission grinned. "Come on – I know you like him. I could tell that you've been ogling him ever since we first came across you on Taris, and you do it all the time since then."
"No, Mission! I'm simply…simply observing his progress as a Jedi! Whatever feelings I have for him is my own business! …Wait, no, no! Whatever I think of him is…Never mind what I just said! Just go back to your own bed, in the other sleeping chamber!" Bastila insisted, swiftly looking away in embarrassment.
"But Bas, you know this is my sleeping chamber, and that I always sleep in this bed, only. I may have lived most of my life down in the lower city in Taris, but personal hygiene is still important to me, you know. Just the thought of sleeping in the same bed that Big Z was in at any point in time just creeps me out."
Bastila sighed. "Very well then, Mission. Do as you please. But could you please just keep still and silent? I'm trying to meditate."
"…Sure you don't wanna talk about it? I'm all ears, y'know," Mission smiled cheekily.
"No. No, I'm certain. I definitely don't want to talk about-"
"Aah, don't be that way! I know you like him, and it's obvious that he likes you! I mean, you'd have to be blind not to see that," the young Twi'lek teased, lying on her stomach on the bed as she playfully swung her legs up and down on the bed and held her chin up with her hands while she looked at the older Jedi, whose face was smeared with embarrassment.
"What do you mean, Mission?" Bastila turned to her, breaking off her meditation.
"He cares for you, y'know. A lot. He always leaps in front of you with his lightsaber whenever danger is about, and you're almost always slower to react than him. The way he talks – no, flirts – with you whenever the two of you talk to each other is just a dead giveaway. I mean, you start talking to him about the mission and his general progress and all, and he's always saying the same thing: "You've been watching me? Glad you see something you like.'"
Bastila blushed furiously, causing Mission to gently chuckle before she continued on. "But then again, you're definitely aware of that, given the way you act whenever he's around you. That alone should be enough proof that he actually loves you…besides the fact that he's constantly checking you out when you're not looking."
"Mission! What do you mean…he's…what?!" Bastila gasped as her left hand went up to her lips and her right hand covered her heart.
"Aww, so cute…so he does have a special place in your heart, after all!" Mission laughed.
"Mission, no. This isn't…this can't…I'm a Jedi. I can't be misled by such petty feelings! I…"
"Bas, I know I'm teasing you a bit right now…ok, I'll admit it, a lot. But I'm being serious, as well!" Mission insisted, getting out of the bed and crouching next to Bastila. "I actually think that Jaden loves you. Sure, he might be a flirty asshole trying to get with you whenever he's around you, but you've gotta admit that he wouldn't lunge head-first in the face of danger for you, especially when you're the one at greatest risk, if he doesn't truly love and care for you."
"I…I guess you're right about that, Mission," Bastila spoke softly in concession. "Maybe he does truly love me. But me…well…I've devoted myself to the teachings of the Order, whereas Jaden…" she trailed off, not wanting to reveal his true past to the young twi'lek, "…well, let's just say that it's a different story for him."
The thought of herself falling in love with the former Dark Lord of the Sith was something which unnerved her more than the knowledge that doing so would break the Code of the Jedi. And yet, in her heart, she knew it was the case and couldn't deny it, which only caused her even more unrest and inner turmoil.
"Bastila, let me ask you, then, and please give me an honest response. I promise you that I'll keep it a secret, between just the two of us. Now, I know that even though you're bossy and can be a real pain in the backside at times, you're the closest thing I have to a real sister who cares and looks out for me. I'll never betray that trust. So let me ask you one question." Mission placed her hand on Bastila's shoulder and waited until her pearl-like grey eyes met hers. "Do you love him?"
"I…," Bastila exhaled, lost for words. At that moment, she felt as if she was being engulfed in the conflict between her head, which compelled her to stay true to the teachings Jedi Order, and her heart, which cried out to her to admit her undeniable love for Revan. Unable to give Mission a proper response, she began to weep, the tears falling slowly at first, but then intensified into a waterfall as Mission hugged her to comfort her.
"So you do love him," Mission whispered into Bastila's ear as she patted her back. Bastila wrapped her arms around Mission for emotional comfort, simply overwhelmed by her admission of loving Revan.
"Mission…what am I to do? I'm…this makes me not a Jedi anymore…I…I don't even know what I am, now…" Bastila cried further after breaking contact with Mission, holding her face in her hands as she hung her head in shame.
"Oh, come on, Bas, surely it can't be that bad? I mean, you're definitely not the only Jedi in history to have ever fallen in love. And just how many of those relationships have resulted in such terrible tragedies like you make it sound?" Mission smiled, gently pulling down Bastila's hands from her face.
"So…what am I to do, Mission?" Bastila looked up, her face stained with tears.
"Just tell him what you truly feel, Bas. You know that Jaden will continue to love and protect you regardless, so what could you possibly have to lose? Come to think of it, it might actually make the two of you stronger!" Mission smiled, wiping Bastila's tears away with her glove.
"You…you really think so?" Bastila asked, her eyes twinkling with hope.
"Positive. Just make sure not to take things too quickly, though. You don't wanna have to be carrying any excess baggage during this little quest of ours, if you know what I mean, and it might as well lead you into deep trouble with your Order, and all," Mission joked, grinning cheekily once again.
"Mission! How could you possibly think of such things! And at your age!" Bastila drew back in outrage, her face distorted with disgust.
"Hahaha, just kidding, Bas! You know me!" Mission giggled, nudging her on the shoulder. "Well, I'm glad we got that sorted out, at least. So…you're definitely going to tell him, right? Promise?"
Bastila gave Mission a confident smile. "I promise."
The two young women then gave each other a warm hug, before breaking apart and standing up in shocked surprise as Jaden spoke from around the corner. "Tell me what?"
Bastila instantly became frustrated as she glared at the man who came into the room, leaning casually against the side of Mission's bed. "Now, just for how long have you been standing outside, listening in on our conversation?!"
"Huh? What do you mean, darling? I just came by right now, after I was woken up from my blissful nap in the other dorm because Mission suddenly cried out my name!" he grinned with the immaturity of a child, calling her by his nickname for her, which he knew embarrassed her every time.
"Why you…stuck up…half witted…scruffy looking…nerf herder!" Bastila growled at him as he chuckled at her.
"For your information, one, I am clearly not half witted, otherwise I'd never have managed to make so many improvements to HK-47," Jaden smugly shot back. "Two, if I were scruffy looking, then why would the masseuses in Davik's estate have looked squarely at me with such lust in their eyes? Three, I admit I was a bantha herder for about fifteen minutes on Tatooine, but you should be grateful to me, as we would never have recovered your father's holocron if I didn't lure that dragon out. Still, being a bantha herder sure beats being a nerf herder, any day. And four…umm…To be honest, I actually don't have anything to rebut against you saying that I'm stuck up. I'll admit that. For now. But wow, that sure was loud, Mission. The whole crew probably heard."
Bastila looked up to him in shock. "You…you heard that?"
"Of course! Thank the Force for Mission and her loud mouth," Jaden winked.
"Hey! Who said I was ever a loudmouth, mister? You've got some nerve!" Mission pouted at him, placing her hands on her hips.
"Hehehe…sorry, I guess, Mission. But Bastila, did you say you had something to say to me?" Jaden raised an eyebrow at her.
"Huh? I…uhh…yes, I do, Jaden. But not here. Elsewhere, alone. In private," Bastila replied, flustered.
"Private…I like the sound of that," Jaden winked at her. "I'll be looking forward to it."
"You, sir, are the greatest pig in the galaxy I have ever known!" Bastila scowled at him, looking straight in the eye. But then, her eyes widened as he suddenly rushed towards her, cupping her face in his hands.
"Ohh…baby! What's the matter? Have you been crying?" he said, wiping her cheeks with the sleeves of his Jedi robes while she blushed pure crimson. "Just why were you crying, Bastila?"
"I…err…" Bastila looked at him nervously, feeling extremely eerie as he looked into her eyes with his face barely inches away while his hand was around her waist. "I lost my balance, and…I fell! Yes, that was it."
"I see…Although I fail to see the connection between that, and you and Mission mentioning me, and then you saying to her that you'll tell me something. Were you going to tell me that your sense of balance has become so poor, that you always need me by your side to protect you from falls? Just where has your Jedi training gone, Bastila?" Jaden continued to irk her.
"Why you…oh, why must you always be so impossibly infuriating?!" Bastila raged, removing his hold around her.
"Hahaha…just kidding…well, I guess that's my cue to leave, then. Farewell, my princess. And you, Mission," Jaden smiled as he left the dorm. Bastila let out a heavy sigh of relief, and Mission gave a small puff of frustration at the fact that Jaden blandly called her by her name, contrary to Bastila.
"Well, I guess I'll see what Big Z's up to, then. Carth said to me a few minutes ago that we'll arrive at Korriban in a few hours' time. You can carry on with your meditation for now, Bastila," Mission smiled at her.
"No, it's alright, Mission. I think I'll just lie down for a moment," Bastila smiled back, moving to one of the beds.
"Ok, then. Have a nice rest, princess," Mission grinned as she proceeded to walk out of the dorm.
"Oh, shut up, Mission. Take care, now," Bastila blushed, giving Mission a wave as she disappeared down the corridor.
At first, the thought of going to Korriban unnerved Bastila considerably: it was also one of the reasons behind her recent meditation. But now, after opening up to Mission about her feelings for Revan, all her doubts and fears seemed to disappear altogether. She now felt safe.
Secure.
At peace.
Falling on her back on the surface of the bed and letting her head sink into the pillow, Bastila smiled – something which she never thought possible, given the dangers which lay ahead. She knew that the day they would have to face Malak and end things once and for all drew nearer by the second, and that there was always the possibility that they could fail in their quest to save the galaxy from the tyrannical Sith. She also knew that her newfound love meant that she had broken the Jedi Code, which she had tried her whole life to uphold.
But she didn't care.
For nothing could ever make her feel safer than to be loved by Revan. Despite his blatant immaturity at times and his tendency to constantly irritate her, she didn't want to change a thing about him. He had always been her protector ever since they met again at Taris – something she would be eternally grateful for. Deep inside, Bastila knew that Revan would never seek to cause any harm to her, and would gladly give up his own life in an instant to save hers. And in return, she was determined to give him something which she knew she could entrust to him for eternity, even after both of them became one with the Force.
Her heart.