Warnings:
Discussion of death, death anxiety, self-blame, angst.
I looked up at the ceiling – darkness and silence filled the room. Tears pricked my eyes as I recall how much time has flown by and will continue to do so. Old friends and old memories haunt my thoughts as I remember how much I do miss the good days of just being Y/N. Tears cascaded down my cheeks as I remembered what life was like before their deaths – peaceful, happy, and special. My death will come eventually, and my friends will be no more. Responsibility will choke the life out of me, placing the pressures of everyday life upon my shoulders for only me to carry. A year seems like only a day ago as I watched her die slowly, painfully, as the life in her once vibrant eyes faded. Death is apart of life, which is scary enough, but life is scarier than death. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either.
These endless emotions of fear, anger, and sadness always flood my whole being without end in sight. Days fly by in a blur as fear overcomes everything in my body, reminding me of how my end is coming soon. I curled up in a ball, whispering "I don't want to die," over and over again – pleading to Hel to not pull me down. "Y/N, stop. Breathe, please." Loki begged, pulling me into his arms. My eyes met Loki's concerned one, knowing that he has known about my episodes for too long now.
"I'm sorry, Loki, but they always come back – the demons in my head. They're telling me everything again, Loki." I mumbled, hearing the whispers from my own mind numb me to the core. "Hush, Dove. You are not going anywhere for a long time." "They're right, you know? I killed her, and I promised her I'd save her. I promised, Loki. She died knowing that I had failed her, Loki! Do you know how that feels?!" I sobbed, barely being able to breathe. "I want everything to go back to how it was – peaceful, happy, a lie. The truth hurts, Loki." I choked out grabbing ahold of Loki's clothes. "You want to go back to living sheltered from the world? From the real monsters out there that need to be stopped? From me?" Loki asked, hurt flickered in his eyes. "Loki..." "You need to ignore that fear, Y/N. Take hold of it and live it, because we all only have one shot in this wretched universe, so don't spend it fearing about it."