"Thou shalt smite the house of Ahab thy master."
2° Book of Kings 9:1 - 10
JEHU AND JEZEBEL
How can you write a story that never happened? Or better, a story that wasn't supposed to happen but happened instead only not in the way one would think it possible or maybe not… Yes?
Confused, are we? Good… Because the simple yet complicated tale I'm about to tell, has refused to follow a conventional logical storyline… It's meant to be chaotic and irrational… Senseless yet, with a precise goal… A precise quest… To write about Chaos.
You see, the simple fact of wanting to tell a story (which is inevitably meant to be a perfectly logical device) about something unpredictable and irrational like Chaos, is an obvious paradox per se… Therefore, in order to create an interesting narration I am forced to have a protagonist… And such protagonist happened to be a self-proclaimed Chaos agent.
Let's begin, shall we?
The time: Some years before the rise of the Eggman Empire…
The set: An old, rotten city in the middle of nowhere…
The players:
??? as Jehu.
??? as Jezebel.
Madhog as the narrator.
Chaos as Itself.
Here we go.
CLICK
Went the old fashioned Smith & Wesson in the echidna's hand. He smiled, he felt already victorious… Even if it was just the first try.
Dmitri the Echidna was very good at this game, he built up a solid reputation out of it… He was seen as a gutsy son of a gun who didn't fear anything… He had never lost.
"Your turn, buddy." Said the confident Mobian.
His guest didn't flinch nor he showed any emotion… He just took the gun and put its reed on his temple…
And he shot three times.
Dmitri was mouth agape and petrified.
The crazy stranger put the pistol back on the round, filthy table… Then he fixed his emotionless gaze on the echidna's own.
"I just thought… This way it should be more interesting… Don't you think?" He said.
What is Courage? The ability to be a better show-off than others? Or perhaps, it's just another way to joke about everything… To joke about others' life and our own? Is Courage a real emotion, in the first place? Or it's just another conventional terminology created by the whom who likes to control everything? Why do I ask myself all these stupid questions and lure people's attention away from the story? I don't know… It's all Chaos, after all.
Dmitri was now like a scared little kid… Therefore he just surrendered.
"You owe me 10 bucks, buddy." Said the victor, still emotionless.
The frightened echidna gave his guest his due…
Then, the mysterious enigma known as Fang the Sniper, just burnt its newly acquired money with a random match.
And now Dimitri was utter bewildered.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!!!?" He cried… He was an echidna alright.
At this, Fang smiled and put a cigarette in his mouth… Then he used his burning money to light up the aforementioned cig.
"I wanted to smoke just like rich decadent people do… Therefore I needed some money." He declared with a matter-of-factly expression.
The echidna couldn't believe his own inexistent ears… He just put his own life on the line like that… For a fancy smoking?
"YOU'RE TOTALLY FUCKING CRAZY!!!" Uttered the shocked rodent.
Fang just shrugged.
"I guess I am… Or maybe not… I still have to decide it. Currently, I am a contract killer and I'm looking for someone…"
Dmitri managed to calm himself down a little bit… All the gazes in the saloon were looking at the two of them.
"So…" Fang continued. "… Are you willing to help or should we do a good old fashioned gun duel?" He proposed.
Naturally, the once "courageous" echidna immediately decided to be helpful.
It was one of Fang's favourite activities… To expose people's weaknesses… To find people's real behavior. Idealistically speaking, his actions would have been able to turn them into better and more self-aware persons… Practically speaking, his game has always ended with someone dyeing…
Fang just loved to improvise… After all, a true Chaos Agent couldn't plan all his actions now, could he?
Calmly, the Sniper took a small picture out of his belt and showed it to his host.
"Do you know this girl?" He asked.
The echidna's eyes widen and one, peculiar name came out from his trembling mouth.
"… Jezebel."
And now Fang's broad smile was giving everybody in the saloon a very good look of his giant namesake.
"Appropriate…" He muttered. "… Then I'll be her 'Jehu'."
"What?"
"The one who came in Jezebel's kingdom, killed everybody and convinced a bunch of eunuchs to defenestrate her and let her be eaten by raving dogs until nothing was left of the body… Except her legs, arms and skull!" Fang responded.
Dmitri gave him a odd look.
"Sorry if I asked…" He then replied.
"Where is her?" The Sniper insisted.
"She's in the nightclub besides this one."
"Oh… That's pretty convenient." With that said, Fang took out HIS handguns and killed everybody in the place… He was Jehu alright.
The former contract killer, now improvised mass murderer on a sacral mission, headed towards the aforementioned nightclub… Its name was "Master Ahab's", the name of Jezebel's husband… Appropriate, indeed.
Jehu was just about to smite the house of Ahab thy master.
After an impressive entrance and the senseless slaughter of a few hundreds whores and whores' clients… Jehu finally met Jezebel.
She was everything a man (human or Mobian) could ever desire… A slender, sexy body with all the curves in the right places, generous breasts and melting deep eyes… Her fur was white and delicate and her black wings only add to her a little bit of a mystery… No one could resist her beauty and charm… That's why she was the perfect queen in a world full of scumbags.
"Jezebel, I presume…" He asked.
"Just call me Rouge… Rouge the Bat." She sweetly replied, putting on the sexiest smile on earth. "Are you here to kill me?"
"Yes… Its my current role, after all." He thought this for a moment. "Then again… I could very well change the rules of the game anytime."
And now… The story is about to end.
I know what are you thinking: "it's already over? What the hell!?" Well, guess what? I don't care… I'm the blasted author here, only Chaos can give orders… Right Chaos?
SHUT UP AND FINISH IT!!!
Ok, ok, gee relax!
Anyway… You're probably wondering how this mess in going to end, right? No? Whatever… There a few interesting possibilities…
Here's the choices:
1) Jehu (Fang) ordered to a bunch of random eunuchs to defenestrate Jezebel (Rouge), then she got eaten by raving dogs until nothing of her was left except her appendages and skull… Lame, lame, lame.
2) Fang changed the rules and made the impromptu decision to marry the girl and escape with her… Until he decided he was gay and joined the Village People as their official cowboy.
3) They both die in a dramatic showdown… "Duel into the sun" style.
4) Rouge, just like the original Jezebel, was a worshipper of Baal… With her mysterious powers she's been able to summon her God in her aid… Such God happened to be a colossal snake like, dragon like creature that came out from the centre of the planet after the Earth got separated in 7 different parts, then Fang turned into a werewolf and… Oh wait! This has been already used… DAMN!!!
And then… number 5:
Fang had sex with Rouge then he simply killed her… No fancy crap. The End.
Choose your favourite ending, reader, for I am too tired and lazy to do it on my own… With that said I shall depart and, once again, disappear into the Nothingness I came from…
Just like a certain Sniper would do, right Fang?
"I don't know… I still have to decide."
Farewell, for now.
"May the Freakiness of this chaotic world be with you. Thy master has spoken."
2° Book of Madhog thy Master 3:16 - 10