Doctor Aloysius James Animo rose with the warm sun on his face and several half eaten taco shells gathered at his midsection. He threw off the covers and groaned before realizing he had a severe case of morning wood. And flatulence. Not a comfortable combo at all. "How drunk was I last night," he said, before tripping over his new cat, Doctor Fuzzy Muffins. "Fucking shit, you lazy whore. Leave my presence," he seethed. Dr. Fuzzy Muffins took heed and scampered off into the adjoining boudoir, leaving Animo to peace while he retched up the remnants of last night's brunch into the open toilet bowl.
Without flushing, he lumbered over to the bathroom sink. There, he stared into the mirror at his own miserable reflection. The abyss stared back. It winked. Those sinful bedroom eyes called to him.
"I'd look hot without a skull," he concluded. "And nine inch heels."
And so he did.
He removed part of his skull and replaced it with a plexiglass dome, over which he placed a stylish wig of the cheeriest auburn curls. A trashy low cut green dress replaced his lab coat. He settled for seven inch stilettos because he couldn't find a nine inch pair he liked, or could walk in. Shit's harder than the TV box makes it look, don'tcha know. The finishing touch to his devout new womanhood rested between his fingertips. Trembling, he brought the jet black ebony lipstick to his puckered old man lips, and pressed. A hoarse moan left him, the sensation of waxy animal carcass gliding across them nearly unbearable in its ecstasy. The dress's crotch began to rise steadily. Tumescence exploded his new womanly feelz, acquired through 25 years of humiliation porn consumption. He finished, stepping back, and admired himself in the mirror.
"Would you fuck me?" he questioned the temptress's reflection in the sultriest of tones. "I'd fuck me."
She totally would. The filthy little whore.
Animo bit his quivering lip. A scheme hit him like the El Taco Gestapo around lunch hour. Parked on the corner of fifth and main. So delicious. But admittedly overpriced. Juan said he was putting his kids through college.
He needed rabbits. Lots and lots of rabbits.
"I'm going to kill Ben Tennyson for retroactively misgendering me all these years," he said.
Five hours and several unreported pet store heists later, Ben Tennyson leisurely strolled into the plot.
"God, I love my straight white male privilege," he said.
Somewhere, Gwen Tennyson flinched. Somewhere, being right next to him. "Ben, stop being ignorant."
Kevin rolled his dark eyes. Gwen glared in his direction. She knew he had that "I'm imagining you angrily sucking my dick right now" look on his face.
"Kevin, stop being ignorant!"
Secretly, it turned her on.
Kevin lolled his head and sighed. "We can't help it, remember? We're men. It's biology."
Gwen's ovaries were exploding with need. She was forced to disregard them in lieu of her deep feminist ethics. "No sex for a week!"
Kevin burst into tears. He looked at Ben who looked away. Not this time, buddy, written all over his cherubic face. Kevin shuddered with regret. Now he was going to have to fuck Argit on the side.
Or maybe he could apologize.
He got down on his knees and assumed his most pleading puppy eyes. "Not all men, Gwen!"
"Holy shit, giant rabbits!" Ben announced, thereby breaking the magical cocktease moment of two nubile teenage heterosexuals contemplating furious make-up sex.
"What?" Gwen turned with a gasp to see something she'd never seen until that very second. "Is that Doctor Animo? Leading an army of mutant rabbits? While wearing slut heels?" Her panicked brain attempted to escape her head through her nostrils. She quickly plugged them with her fingers and hoped no one would think ill of her.
"I've got the weirdest boner right now," Kevin said, with some visibly present inner turmoil.
"Get rid of it!" Gwen's eyes began to glow a threateningly bright purple. They called the hue Offended Anodite.
Kevin thought of Argit naked, bent over the couch, presenting anal glands. Instant dick-wilter. He suppressed a gag as his boner melted and attempted to invert itself into his bowels.
"HOT BITCH, COMING THROUGH!" Doctor Animo shouted in falsetto whilst snapping his fingers in a sassy Z formation.
"It's Hero Time!" Ben cried triumphantly while dialing the Omnitrix to something not lame.
He turned into Portaler and became instantly suicidal.
"Why must this exist?" Portaler curled into a fetal position, where he remained gripped within a massive existential crisis.
With Ben out of commission, it was up to Gwen and Kevin to save the day. Too bad they'd reconciled their discrepancies two seconds prior and were locked within sweaty, hormonally fueled embrace.
The rabbits, spurred on by floating microscopic lust particles in the air, began to mate furiously and reproduce in a cartoonishly rapid rate. Their ranks rose from ten to twenty, then forty. Then seventy. Then one hundred.
"How dare you ignore Doctor Enema!" the doctor chastised. "I require constant validation to sustain my existence."
Kevin looked up from his deep orifice boning and wrinkled his nose. "Someone's got a sissy fetish. And for once, it isn't me."
Gwen bit into Kevin's left nut to remind him who wore the skirt in the relationship. It was her. If she wore pants then she'd be legally required to change her birth certificate and she didn't want to go through the hassle. "Ben, just get the fuck up and kick his ass already!" She wanted to devour cock in peace for once.
And Ben realized he was a hero no matter which form he assumed. But mostly because he was white, male, and presumed heterosexual and of an Abrahamic religious denomination.
Portaler walked straight up to the demon rabbit and kicked it in the shin. It squealed. The doctor fell from his prized perch, scuffing his new heels. Scandalized, he trotted forward with an unruly, aggressive, distinct male gait, and slapped Ben's smarmy alien face. Portaler responded by headbutting him in the sausage and eggs.
"Didn't splurge on the surgery, huh?"
"I blame the wage gap which I now experience," Enema screamed tearfully and collapsed to the pavement.
"No you don't, you rancid cunt!"
Before Ben could administer further justice, a Taco truck came barreling down the street, hitting two humping rabbits and clipping Doctor Analicious Jane Enema before crashing into a light pole.
"Well, that took care of that," said Ben. He had no idea he just got on twenty-seven TERF watchlists and his reputation was now ruined forever.
Smiling, he laid down next to his cousin and her boyfriend and gazed longingly until he was accepted into an illicit threesome. Many unspeakable fluids were exchanged in the process. You'll never know which ones.
Good night, children. Sleep well with the knowledge that you do in fact shit yourself when you expire.