Let Me Tell You How Much I Love You

Chapter One

Kelly Severide did not feel fully recovered until both he and Shay walked through the doors at 51. The doctors had said it would be twelve months and even then he shouldn't expect to go back to the job at full capacity. But he took a chance on a risky procedure, hey what was his life anyway, but one big risk, and blew the scores off the board retaking his physicals. He owed his survival to Shay. Renee and Madrid hadn't worked out. Deep down he had always known it wouldn't have lasted. They had nothing common, so he stayed in Chicago and the only home he knew with Shay.

He was there when Shay's life fell apart after Clarice decided to go back to her lawyer husband, her wine rack, and her lawyer husband's six figure salary. Instead of Shay seeing him through a difficult recovery, he supported her through the worst depression of her life. But it seemed right for him to finally be giving back to her after all she had done for him. So for nearly seven months he had been a ghost at the fire station. He did what he had to maintain his standing, but concentrated most of his time on Shay who had therapy appointments she had to be forced to keep at first and who didn't need to spend long period alone for months after that. It was only gradually, gradually, that Shay integrated back into the world. Sometimes, Kelly fantasized about watching Clarice scream for help out of the upper windows of a burning building. He never shared that fantasy with Shay, and he knew he would never act on it if it ever came to pass, but damn it felt good on nights when every tear Shay shed felt like a nail pounded into his chest to think about that bitch burning.

Only a few things had really changed over the last months. Peter Mills was less of a candidate and more of member of the house, maybe even potentially a member of Squad 3. Otis had a fiancée. Cruz was still more than a little bit crazy and the rumors swirling around were scary, but he chose to ignore them. Maybe Cruz was just bucking up his nerve to put in a squad application. And Matt Casey was on the edge of his life's dream. He knocked Dawson up with triplets no less according to the latest ultrasound.

"Sorry, I missed the wedding," he told Casey when they had some down time.

"You were busy with Shay. Besides it was pretty low-keyed just family and close friends." Casey said.

"Did your sister come?" Severide asked.

Casey shook his head. "She's still not talking to me."

"Dawson's people say anything about that?" Severide asked.

"Too busy staring at me with daggers in their eyes. I don't think her brother was joking in the wedding toast when he said if I made Gaby miserable, my body would never be found." Casey said.

Tough break about Dawson's family, but Severide could see their reasons. It wasn't obvious that Casey was over Hallie. Casey tapped him on the shoulder. "Don't worry. You'll have plenty of opportunities to chase bridesmaids at Otis's wedding.'

Otis's wedding was a surprise. His family was so damn nice it was like walking into a Disney movie. Half a dozen little kids scattered flower petals up the nave of the church without screaming, running or picking at each other. People made toasts full of love and good luck and congratulations at the reception. There weren't any drunken fights. Every single relative Otis had was a non-criminal, non-substance abusing solid citizen with a job and probably a good credit rating. No wonder the guy was the way he was.

He found Shay parked on a bench in the foyer of the banquet hall. "Wow! That is Mayberry in there."

"Maybe not entirely. Otis's sister wants to introduce me to girls' volleyball coach at her school." Shay replied.

He handed Shay a beer and sat down. "Nobody wants to introduce their female relatives to me."

They both laughed. He looked over Shay's outfit. When they left the apartment she had been wrapped up in a coat, scarf, and hat, but all that had been shed once they were indoors. Since Shay had spent last few months depressed to the point of catatonic and she didn't get dress up often anyway, he had nearly forgot how beautiful she was. Lesbian Barbie? Nah, she deserved a better description in his head than that. Her skin reminded him of those fancy, limited edition dolls FAO Schwartz sold that weren't for kids. Pretty eyes and her body was perfect. She really should wear slinky green more often. Or maybe, not at least around him. It wasn't going to be easy for him not to think about her as a woman tonight. He took a long swallow from his bottle. "Ms. Volleyball Coach would be lucky."

He meant to kiss her forehead like he had often enough as a supportive friend. Instead his mouth slipped into a place much too soft for friendship. For a moment it was a lover's kiss, white-hot brilliance, but sweet enough to send a diabetic into shock; then, he remembered exactly whom he was with.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't trying anything." Please don't let her think I was trying to make a pass. He didn't have any qualms about sex with a woman that also had sex with other women, but Shay was his best friend. Best friends didn't proposition each other.

Her expression was unreadable to him. "It's okay. It was just accident." She reached for his hand and intertwined their fingers. Buddies again. "You should go back into the reception and hit on that red-headed bridesmaid. She's been eyeing you all night and she's not one of Otis's cousins."

She was probably right. Between his surgery and Shay's breakdown he had been celibate, at least with a partner, nearly eight months. Except parts of him, mostly above the waist, didn't want to trade hanging out with Shay for a cheap ejaculation. The part of him below the waist that was intrigued by the way she looked, he could keep that under control. At least he always had been able to keep that under control. Except they touched more now than they ever had before. Shay and him had always been rather physically affectionate friends and after Clarice left she needed a lot of human contact to keep her mind focused on this world. But lately things had been getting messed up in his head. Impulses he thought had been banished years ago flared up and his subconscious was no longer a friend. It had been years since he dreamed about Shay. Now she floated through his involuntary spank bank every night. Yeah, she was right. He needed to go hook up with somebody except the watching the lights bouncing off her eyes seemed more interesting than even a three-way with twin super models. He stood up, but their fingers were still intertwined. "Come dance with me. I've never seen you dance."

Shay shook her head, but she was still smiling. "I don't like dancing." She dropped her hand away. "Go, chase bridesmaids," she ordered.

Later he asked her to grab a ride home with Casey and Dawson, so she would think he found someone when all he really did was drive around the city for a few hours. Lately he did that a lot, so Shay wouldn't notice how his social life had dwindled. Most of the guys he knew were married and actually spent time with their wives and kids. Strip clubs had lost a lot of their thrill especially as he started realizing some of the girls had been born after he lost his virginity. Most of his old bars had either become too depressing or too gentrified. The only places he really felt comfortable anymore were the fire station and home with Shay.

. . . . . . .

By the time Kelly got to the peephole the idiots banging on his front door had been going at for several minutes longer than remotely necessary. He was tempted to ignore the old man and the teenage boy in the hallway, but he noticed the teenager was wearing an LSU cap and they were shivering from what was only mild Chicago cold. Maybe they were relatives of Shay. This was wordlessly confirmed for him by their expressions when he opened the door.

"Sorry to trouble you, mister." The old man said and then he turned to the teenager. "I told you we was in the wrong place."

"Are you looking for Leslie Shay?" Kelly asked.

The men stopped in their tracks and walked back to him. Kelly held out his hand. "Kelly Severide."

"Whoa! We were sure Kelly was a chick.'' the kid exclaimed, but the old man enthusiastically shook his hand. "Don't be minding this boy. He never had no manners. I'm Leslie's Uncle Etienne." He pointed to the teenager. "And this is Raymond, littlest of the Shay boys. Leslie, she always say we should feel free to look her up whenever we come round. We just brought a load of Voodoo beer up and they got to work on truck before we head back."

Kelly and Raymond shook hands. "Does Dad know about you?"

Etienne smacked the side of Raymond's head, but not very hard. "Hush up. She can tell her papa when she feels like it."

"He's not going to be mad that you're living with my sister. Trust me." Raymond said.

"Shay's not here now, but she should be back soon. You want to wait inside for her?" Kelly said.

Shay's relatives didn't have to be asked twice to come inside. "Now this is a nice apartment. It's not cramped and dark like everyone imagines Chicago apartments to be." Etienne said following Kelly into the kitchen.

"We try. How do you take your coffee?" Kelly said. He knew he probably should point out that he and Shay were really platonic roommates, but the old guy seemed so absolutely delighted to find a man sharing living space with his niece, it was almost a shame to ruin it for him.

"Black as the devil's ass," Etienne said. Unfortunately, while they waited for the coffee to brew the old man's folksy charm dropped. "Leslie tell you much about her past?"

"We have a mutual one-night stand," Kelly said hoping to head Etienne away from the topic of his and Shay's personal lives.

"It's good you know about that. Couples shouldn't have any secrets. But I tell you one thing, if I was a young man today, I would consider it a lot better deal to have some old girlfriends rather than some old boyfriends in my woman's past. Women with women, they can't get pregnant and they don't get those diseases the men with men do."

He had to stop the old guy soon. This was getting ridiculous.

"And you want the truth, I think if Leslie had gotten good help after she was attacked, she wouldn't have had all those girlfriends." Etienne said.

Attacked! Shay had told him growing up gay in the South was hell, but she never mentioned being attacked over it. "Shay was attacked?"

"She never told you?" Etienne said. "Maybe it's not my place. No, it is. It's better you know, so you really understand her. She was with this boy from around fourteen to sixteen and we all thought he was nice. We was all wrong because right after her seventeenth birthday he forced himself on her. Beat her up something awful and after she didn't want anything to do with men."

Shay as a rape victim was a brass knuckle punch to gut he hadn't expected. He wasn't one of those guys that thought all a lesbian needed was a good romp in the sack to change her either, but rape added a dimension to Shay's sexual choices that bothered him. It also made him want to go wrap his arms around her this instant and swear to her that he would never let anyone hurt her. For a few dark moments he contemplated what she must have overcome to reach the point where they could touch each other the way they did because Shay didn't act like a victim around him.

He ended up buying dinner for four at Ronny's Chop House because he wanted to make Shay's people happy, he wanted to make Shay happy, and he wanted to find out more about her life before Chicago. Luckily, Etienne had plenty of stories to make Shay smile and blush a little. He wasn't used to seeing her blush. It tinted her checks with rose petals and he didn't think of fancy dolls, but of angels when he looked at her. Of course, it got him into trouble later.

"I see how you watching Leslie during dinner, how your eyes can't keep rolling over her every chance you get." Etienne said when he dropped them off at the warehouse. Without warning the old man hugged him. "You a nice young man, even if you aren't from Louisiana. Rescue Squad Three, Leslie say, you are the best in Chicago."

"Yes, sir," Kelly said.

"You promise, you take care of Leslie. She hadn't had somebody to take care her for a long time." Etienne said.

"Absolutely," Kelly replied. For emphasis he held up his right hand. "I swear on the record of my squad." Another hug. It nearly knocked the wind out of him. The Cajun hugged like an Irishman fought.

"Thanks for being nice to my Uncle Etienne," Shay said when they were back at the apartment.

"He was your family," Kelly said. He hesitated about telling her everything that had been said between him and Etienne that night.

Shay nodded, but worry crossed her face. "I shouldn't have lied to him."

"We didn't lie to him," Kelly reminded her. That was the truth.

"Lied by omission. He thinks we're living together, not just roommates."

So Shay had been aware of at least some of what had been going on. He told me to take care of you and I promised I would. No way would she not react badly to that. Instead, Kelly shrugged. "He's not the first to make that assumption and he lives a thousand miles away at least."

"Except he'll tell every relative I have and they'll want to know more about you. And my mother would probably try to visit and I would rather handle a ten car pile-up in the middle of a gang turf war." She said.

"So I guess I shouldn't plan going gator hunting with your Uncle Etienne?" He hoped she would think that was funny.

Instead her nostrils flared. "Go if you want. I wouldn't set foot in Louisiana if Chicago got nuked."

He had finally found that bitter, painful band that he had always guessed lay deep in Shay. "Is that because of the attack?"

Venom filled her gaze.

"Your Uncle Etienne told me. Did you ever go to counseling?" he said.

"I'm not a lesbian because of what happened when I was seventeen." Her eyes were frightening.

'That's not what I meant. Straight or gay being a rape survivor is tough. You know that from the job." The urge to wrap her in his arms was nearly overwhelming. He jammed both fists into his pockets.

"I haven't failed any psych tests, yet," she responded.

He could tell pressing the matter was dangerous. "He was a nice old man. I'm glad I met him."

This seemed to appease Shay. "Yeah, he's the only thing about Louisiana I miss."

"Not even the gator hunting?" he asked.

She smiled. "Alligator hunting is the most idiotic macho sport hunting on the North American continent. They run around a fetid swamp chasing an animal that hasn't evolved since the dinosaurs."

"Sounds awesome!" he said.