A.N: It's irreverent. And uncontrollably crack. Lily-livered, troll-brained, venom-spitting humans, beware!
"Now wait a minute!" Naruto scrunched up his face. "You mean that all these years I have spent loving you was not love at all?"
Sakura nodded her head in a marionette-like fashion. "Yup. It was only because of your rivalry with Sasuke-kun that you wanted to make me fall for you."
Her teammate made a weird noise, like a toad gagging after eating a particularly disgusting insect.
"But... it makes no sense, Sakura-chan! After flirting with romantic possibilities for over hundreds of chapters, you can't just suddenly say, "Kidding!" That's really, really mean."
"Well, that's the way it is."
"Tell me one thing, Sakura-chan. If my love for you is only platonic love, then how do you know that your love for Teme is let's-make-a-baby-before-you-disappear-again-for-a-decade kind of love? I mean, it just could be as well that your love for Sasuke isn't true love either since it sprung from your competition with Ino-chan."
"No no. You've got it in the wrong order. Our rivalry started because both of us liked Sasuke-kun. It hardly matters though; my love proliferated like Zetsu-clones afterwards. It's true love, one hundred percent guaranteed by the one and only Kami-moto-sama!"
Naruto, however, wasn't one to give up so easily.
"Then the same can be said about my feelings for you. It eventually became so much more than a silly competition."
Sakura frowned. Even though it was Naruto saying all that stuff, it made sense. Trust that baka to open up a can of worms right before they were supposed to tie up the tale with a fucking ribbon!
But Naruto was right. If something wasn't equally applicable to both the parties, then it couldn't be logical, could it? Her eyes couldn't unsee such a humongous fallacy, even with the denouement looming over.
"Naruto?"
Said person was too busy muttering to himself about imaginatively enervated sellouts to notice the blush of irritation on Sakura's face.
"Back to earth, Naruto!"
A bop on the head restored his attention.
"What?"
"You were right. My love for Sasuke-kun is kinda problematic from that point of view. But nevertheless, I'm bound to love him. See, I've been chasing him for a long, long time. So I'm not really allowed to fall out of love now."
Naruto stared, confusion marring his features.
"I don't understand. I thought dramatic action isn't supposed to be, like, static you know? Didn't some Greek geezer say so or something?
Sakura pursed her lips.
"I'm not a hundred percent sure, but I think it's because one's kinda obligated to pledge their heart to their prepubescent crush. Faithfulness and all that jazz, you know. Just like you are supposed to be Hinata-chan's one true love even though you two have had, like, hardly any major scenes together except those awful retcons and her confrontation with that emo dude with piercings and a massive god complex."
"You mean Pein?"
"Yes yes, that one. Somehow I thought it was Hen or something."
Naruto snickered.
"Hey! I was severely traumatized! I'm totally allowed to get shit mixed up."
"Hai hai. But that hardly explains it, Sakura-chan. I've been chasing you for ages as well, even if it's been for the wrong reasons. So why am I allowed to change my mind? Huh?"
Sakura scoffed.
"Isn't it obvious? It's totally different for boys. Anyways, once a girl starts chasing a guy in our world, it's like an irreversible voodoo spell. No take-backs. Even if he can't register your presence when you're copiously emitting pheromones or, you know, tries to kill you because he is angsting like hell."
Naruto was scandalized.
"But--but-- aarghhh! This is such bullshit!"
"There there," Sakura sympathetically patted Naruto's shoulder, somehow feeling the consoling thing was supposed to go rather differently.
Naruto indignantly complained about the rampant sexism of the plot for a length of time then moodily fell quiet.
Sakura had just begun to think he had calmed down when his eyes glittered strangely.
"What?" Sakura became slightly worried. His expression was unfamiliar.
"I just realized that according to your original logic of obsession, we love the one we have been chasing since our childhood. If that's really the case, I'm supposed to be in love with..." Naruto's voice trembled.
Sakura stared uncomprehendingly before it struck her.
She blanched.
"Holy fucking--"
Naruto nodded his head like a wet dog convulsing shaking himself.
It took a while before Sakura could collect herself. Then she began frenziedly muttering to herself.
"How couldn't I see it! Of course. Of course. All this time... It makes complete sense. Obviously..."
Naruto realized something was amiss in her outburst.
There wasn't the slightest note of outrage in her voice.
It was positively jubilant.
Sakura suddenly let out a hearty laugh.
Naruto looked at her incredulously.
"What the hell, Sakura-chan? This isn't funny! My romantic life is careening into one crisis after another and you- "
"Sorry, Naruto," Sakura giggled, "it's just...the plot basically shat on itself then proceeded to lick its own poop clean."
Naruto chuckled despite himself.
"Quite a metaphor you got there, Sakura-chan. Can't argue with that."
Sakura grinned.
"So... What do we do now? I'm pretty sure Teme will chidori my ass to kingdom come if I tell him it's highly possible that he's my heart's true desire."
"That's not an unwelcome prospect at all." Sakura waggled her eyebrows.
"Ew, Sakura-chan! I didn't mean it like that! When did you become such a pervert?"
Sakura waved a nonchalant hand.
"Always have been. I am just owning up to it now. I might be casually reading an Icha Icha next time you see me in the marketplace."
"But seriously, though. Aren't you even a little bit upset about all this?"
Sakura shrugged.
"Why should I? Surprised, sure, but upset? I don't think so. I mean, yeah, I suddenly found out that this whole kishi-meant-o for each other thing's a huge fucking joke. But it's not like I was always a hundred percent sure. Now that I think about it, why the hell would I want my 'brother' to acknowledge my burgeoning womanliness? Or flirt with him in front of his zombie-with-a-twist father? That's just ugh. Red herrings? Misdirection? Yeah, right! Besides, you and Sasuke-kun have already that murderous foreplay thing going on."
"So do you both!"
"Yeah, but it's pretty lackluster. Lying side by side after an apocalyptic duel, each symmetrically divested of one hand versus a one-sided mindfuck. Which one has more erotic subtext do you think? Passivity is never sexy, you baka!"
"This is really fucked up, Sakura-chan! I chase you for ages like a lost puppy then suddenly you tell me I actually want to become Mrs. Sasuke Uchiha!"
"Well, Sasuke-kun can always take your name."
Naruto's lips curved into a sly expression.
"Sasuke Uzumaki has a pretty good ring to it, right? Much better than Naruto Uchi-- wait a minute! Why the hell are we discussing this?"
"Can't help it," Sakura gave an impish smile. "After chapters and chapters of filler, it's only natural to find ourselves digressing all the time."
"Whatever. Back to topic. Do you seriously think that that I might like Teme that way?"
"Considering the justifications for the plot's scramble towards a particular romantic resolution, I'd say most definitely yes."
"Oh. Okay." Naruto suddenly looked a little...lost.
"Hey, what's the matter?"
"It's so confusing, Sakura-chan. One coup after another. First, I'm not really in love with you. Then, I'm supposed to fall in love with Hinata-chan cause she's been stalking me since she was a child. Which is totally harmless by the way, since she's such a sweet babe(in fact she's so lamb-like, they should call her Bimbo... or was it Bambi?)Then it's that I've apparently been in love with Teme, of all people. Who's the next one on Uzumaki Naruto's love-wheel? Killer Bee? Kurotsuchi? Kabuto?"
"Naruto and Kabuto, sitting on a lab-table, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"
"C'mon, Sakura-chan!" Naruto glared. "That's not funny."
"I was joking, baka."
"Whatever. So you love Sasuke. I love Sasuke. And Sasuke loves-"
Naruto stopped abruptly, directing a questioning look at his teammate.
After contemplating a while, Sakura was pretty much confident about her answer. "Itachi, obviously."
"I meant roman--"
"I know what you meant. Just think for a second, Naruto. Wanting to take revenge is totally understandable but that level of obsession with your aniki... That is in no way only fraternal. I mean, just look at the subliminal cues. Us chasing Sasuke-kun like crazy. Sasuke-kun chasing Itachi like crazy. Get it? Parallels, buddy, parallels! Love certainly makes dogs out of people!"
"B-but he's his brother!" Naruto sputtered.
"So?" Sakura raised a pink brow. "Doesn't mean that we can just ignore the erotic overtones of his manic pursuit. Tell me something, Naruto. Have you ever considered why Sasuke-kun has been dressing up like jailbait ever since he left the village?"
"You mean apart from Oto's terrible fashion sense? Not really."
"Neither did I. Until now. Flaunting himself like a peacock, chest bared titillatingly with a purple bow around his waist like a geisha...now why would Sasuke-kun possibly do that?"
"Oh my God!" Naruto looked like he was about to hyperventilate. Sakura was, somehow, strangely unfazed by it all.
"Now that I think about it, aren't you and Sasuke-kun supposed to be some kind of reincarnated brothers or shit See, it only confirms Sasuke-kun's frater-sexual orientation!"
"That's different!" Naruto looked ready to puke. "We're like soul-brothers, not brothers by blood."
"To-may-to, to-mah-to," drawled Sakura. "It's nothing to freak out about. Since ancient times people have found themselves nursing a brother fetish once in a while. Why do you think Tobirama-sama despised Uchiha Madara so much?"
This particular piece of information immediately dispelled Naruto's reservations about incestuous affections.
"No way!"
"Believe it." Sakura wore a Chesire cat smile. "Ain't I on fire, today," she smugly thought to herself.
"So Uchiha Madara had the hots for Hashirama-sama. As did Tobirama-sama! Shodaime-sama must have had some really sexy back hahaha..." Naruto began to cackle like a village crone.
Miraculously aglow with the knowledge of unforeseen revelations, Sakura prattled on, her voice as imperious as an oracle.
"The history of Konoha has been hitherto an unacknowledged cycle of thwarted homoerotic sentiments resulting in tragedies shaking the very foundation of society. Uchiha Madara's unexpressed libido ultimately made him a diabolical supervillain. Well villain, since Kaguya kind of hijacked that title. Anyways, where was I? Yes, the gayless gays... There is Kakashi-sensei who has been obliquely handing out Valentines to Uchiha Obito with his 'worse-than-trash' mantra for years now. You and Sasuke-kun would have been next, I guess."
"Wow, Sakura-chan..." Naruto was awestruck.
"I know." Sakura suddenly had a halo around her head.
"But why would Kami-moto-sama not pair up Teme and me after shipping us subliminally? I don't understand. Wouldn't it bring, you know, closure and all?"
"Ah! That's the thing, see. He doesn't want the series to be done. He basically plans to donate you to Hinata-chan so that you can duly contribute to the making of a spoiled brat or two, probably name the kid something generic like Poruto or Goruto and go on to become an uber shitty Hokage so that the series drags on endlessly. Which is really something since you can't top interstellar antagonists. Same with me and Sasuke-kun. Having you two hook up, on the other hand, does our reverent maker no favours."
Naruto's eyes widened.
"So you mean for the Naruto cow to be milked to its eyes, there have to be next generation Uchihas and Uzumakis? Why, we can always just adopt!"
"Oh Naruto, you are too naive! Where's the drama in that? Adopted kids are not going to have trademark features like a whiskered face or the Sharingan. Unless you manufacture a kid in the lab of a reformed criminal!
"That's just twisted, Sakura-chan."
"Tell me about it."
They lapsed into a resigned silence.
After sometime, Naruto was the first one to speak.
"It's all fucked up, but the way you figured it all out was amazing, Sakura-chan. I hope you know that."
"I think it's been finally bestowed upon me, Naruto."
"What, Sakura-chan?"
"The most forbidden power of all..."
"Yes?"
"The formidable..."
"Cut to the chase, dammit!"
"The Brain!" Sakura concluded with a flourish.
Naruto aaaahed and oooohed.
"What's going on?" A new voice monotonously intoned.
Simultaneous shouts of "Sasuke-kun!" and "Teme!" pierced Sasuke's eardrums.
"Where have you been? Sakura-chan and I have been making some canon-shattering discoveries!"
"Hn. I had some prior commitments."
Naruto eyed him suspiciously. "You're not planning another revolution, are you? Cause it won't work."
Sakura energetically piped in. "It has been established without doubt that this series resolves whatever profound questions it raises in the most facile manner. Don't you set yourself up for another anticlimax, Sasuke-kun!"
Sasuke sighed.
"I think I have been made sufficiently aware of that. But whatever. I was asked to chaperone a date."
A stunned silence followed his revelation.
"Whoa! Why would anyone do that?"
"I will have you know that I have had not negligible experience in babysitting!" Sasuke was indignant.
"You are not good at lies, Sasuke-kun."
"I. Am. Not. Lying." Sasuke had no idea why he felt so compelled to make sure that they believed him. He was supposed to be a vampire-bleached, ultra-sexy, brooding, sparse-tongued kinda-sorta anti-hero!
"Right!"
"Shut up, dobe."
"Fine. Tell us who, then."
"Manda," Sasuke ground out with his teeth.
The declaration was immediately succeeded by unbelieving laughter.
"Manda wooing someone? You're hilarious, Sasuke-kun! "
Sasuke snapped.
"Fine, I'll just summon him. You'll hear it from his own mouth. Manda is head over tails over this Naga-hime he met rather serendipitously and he was concerned that he won't be able to keep his hands er- or his whatever off her. So I relented. Anyways, hope you both know how Manda doesn't take kindly to ridiculous summonings like these."
His teammates finally realized that he was dead serious, their faces contorting with horror.
"The fuck, Sasuke?"
"Ew. Ew. Ew. I can't get the pictures out of my head. Why did you have to say that, Sasuke-kun? It's just... Eww!"
"You idiots asked for it."
Naruto looked too green to respond.
"Oh please," Sasuke huffed defensively. "It's not like mating slugs or toads look like a goddamn painting or shit!"
Different kinds of choking noises answered him.
"Sheesh, dude..." Naruto recovered after a while. "Never took you for a Mama-Snake type."
Sasuke glared as Sakura got back her voice.
"Aww!! Look at you all grown up, Mama-suke-kun..."
There was no missing the vindictive glee to her tone.
Naruto smirked triumphantly in response.
They had apparently forgotten about all their momentous findings.
Sasuke sighed. The redemption thing was going to be excruciating as fuck.
P.S. So... what do you think? Passably crazy? I'd love to know your reactions