Title: I Miss Things – Not Anymore
Author: Kat
Feedback: is always appreciated – so tell me what you think, good or bad...just send it to me.
Rating: G - PG
Category: Fluff, Song-fic, Harm's POV
Summary: Everyone misses chances in their lives, and though we regret some not taken roads, it's still possible to get what we truly want. Could take place after "Hail and Farewell" (season 9, episode 23), or after "Lifeline" (season 6, episode 22) – but doesn't have to. It's not a post-ep story!
Spoiler: "Lifeline" in particular, but everything else that led us to the Mac and Harm we have now
Disclaimer: Let's check…no still don't own them…what a pity – I'm sure I could do something really good with all the JAG stars. eg
The beautiful song "I don't wanna miss a thing" is written by the terrific Diane Warren (a big thank you to Tracy from VOY g) and performed by the fabulous Aerosmith!
Author's notes: I loved this song since I heard it the first time during the credits of "Armageddon" and when I thought about what I'd write next I listened to it again and knew I had to use it for a song. You could say that's my first song-fic, though I used song lyrics in former stories, too. It was a challenge to create the words around the song and I only can hope that I succeeded.
My thank-you goes out to all those wonderful authors who are already "old dogs" in that profession and inspired me in my work.
The second challenge with this story was to write a short one. My betas and friends knew I tried it before, but I never could stop…g
However, this time I made it…so I hope you don't mind reading just a three-pager… ;-)
Cudos to my two wonderful betas Lee Ann and Carrie, as always you're my lifesavers in the hard world of spelling and grammar. ;-)
Thank you to all the readers and friends who sent me all the best for my finals and still enjoyed my story. All the-finger-crossing helped a lot, guys, and I passed the first part with flying colors. g
Special thanks to Jenny for sending me this song and "threatening" me to write another story.
I Miss Things – Not Anymore
(For Jenny)
I can't believe she's really lying here. Here in my arms. Her beautiful eyes, always telling me so much, are now closed and her long lashes create shadows on her soft silk skin.
When I catch a stray lock of her dark hair between my fingers and put it behind her ear, she snuggles even closer. I love having her close to me – so close that I can hear her soft even breaths.
I wonder where her dreams have brought her. It has to be somewhere wonderful and soothing, 'cause the crinkles and dark shadows that had slowly but steadily crept their way into her angelic face over the last few months are less deep chiseled, nearly vanished from her features. She seems to be very relaxed and at ease with herself at the moment.
And there it is…first I think it's imagination, but then the lips of the woman in my never-ending dreams curl into a tiny smile. Oh, yeah, that definitely has to be an amazing dream. I wonder what she's dreaming. Am I part of this dream? Did I cause that smile?
I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
Far away and dreaming
I only can pray that it is the case… If not now – if not in this dream, then I will do whatever I can to make her smile in every other occasion from now on. She deserves to be happy – that's all that is important to me: that my Sarah MacKenzie is truly happy.
At one time I've thought that hiding my feelings, shielding the truth from Sarah and just live with the choices she made in her personal life, as long as she was happy, would be enough for me.
That trying to stay her friend, being there for her whenever she needed me would be enough for me to live my life.
But had I known what it would feel like to be – really be – with Sarah MacKenzie, I'd never have hesitated one more second.
I waited way too long to reach this point of helpless sweet surrender that I feel when she gives me one of her breathtaking, sensual and loving kisses, or when she just takes my hand.
Every time she touches me, every moment I spend with her, it's like a thunderstorm of warm heart-filling emotions and I can't help but simply give into that sensual experience and just feel.
Feel all of her: her warm soft skin, her silken hair, her heartbeat…
It's the most precious treasure to really have and hold the heart of Sarah MacKenzie – to know that I'm the reason that her heartbeat increases, or even skips one beat.
That I'm the man she chose to spend all the moments to come with makes me luckiest and richest man on earth.
And I treasure everything she's willing to give…
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Well, every moment spent with you
Is a moment I treasure
I have to suppress a yawn and when I look at the clock, it tells me it's already 4 o'clock in the morning. Less than two hours left until we have to get ready for work, but I just don't want to close my eyes. I just can't…
I know it would be wiser, knowing that I'll be all tired, rumple and taciturn without catching at least two hours sleep. And I already can see Mac making fun of me, teasing me what a bad morning person I am.
But the moment I take her in my arms I know that all dreams of her can't be as perfect and sweet as the original Sarah MacKenzie. I simply know that dreams of her would miss something. And I swore silently the moment we told each other how we feel about each other that I'd never let anything regarding my beautiful, thickheaded and strong-willed marine slip away, that I'd never miss anything about Sarah MacKenzie.
Though dreaming of her was all I had, and it had to be enough all those years, I knew, the moment I held her in my arms and kissed her for real, without any misunderstandings for the very first time, dreams of her wouldn't satisfy me anymore…
I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
I can't get enough of this woman – she held my heart from the first hello, just that I didn't know it then. But I know it now. And then my life made perfect sense. In the past it felt like something was missing, like something wasn't in its predetermined place. Not anymore – now everything fits. And I realize I don't want to trade my life for anything in the world. That I want to get lost, and simultaneous feel so safe, in this moment forever and for all time.
I bring her closer to me, embrace her in my strong arms and softly stroke her arm with my hand, traveling upwards. My motions turn into tiny circles, and when I reach the point where her heart lies, I stop and just feel her heart beating, slow, strong and permanent beats. I don't know how it happens, but every time I do that, I feel that my heart copies her heartbeat and our hearts create a steady, soothing rhythm. My gaze is mesmerized on the place where my hand makes a connection with her most precious and vulnerable part: her heart.
When I look up again, her sleeping features let me forget to breath. I'm completely and with all that I am under Sarah MacKenzie's spell and I wouldn't want it the other way. Though it would probably be better to not fill her into that information…
I have to smile at that thought. If Mac knew how easy it is for her to get what she wants from me…she just has to give me that soft smile that reaches her eyes, and that I know is only reserved for me, I'd do anything for her. She had twisted me around her finger, and I can't do anything about it. Not that I do want to change that.
It's still a mystery to me that we really 'are' together now, and I thank all the powers above that this is possible and that this amazing and breathtaking woman shares her life with me, lets me in her life, tells me about her feelings, thoughts and fears.
And I bend my head to kiss her forehead, her temples, her eyes, the tip of her nose and finally her soft warm lips. She stirs slightly, but doesn't wake up. That's my marine, all sleepy and caught up in her dreamland. I so hope I can make some of her dreams come true…
Lying close to youFeeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together
And I just wanna stay with you
In this moment forever, forever and ever
I let time run away, let hurt feelings, pride, doubts and lame excuses come between me being together with Mac, but not anymore.
I missed so many occasions to tell her what was locked deeply in my heart.
Missed countless chances to show her unmistakably how important she is to me, how much I respect and treasure her as my partner, fellow officer and best friend. And not only because "I didn't want to break in a new partner."
But I don't want to miss anything anymore: not a smile nor a kiss nor a close embrace.
Just embracing her, holding her close to my heart would be enough for me for the rest of my life.
Then realization dawns and I know that I can settle down. That I'm truly home, that being home means to be with her – with 'my' Sarah MacKenzie.
Suddenly all that I've missed over the years isn't important anymore. The only important thing now, and for the rest of my time on earth, is that I don't miss anything anymore.
I don't wanna miss one smileI don't wanna miss one kiss
Well, I just wanna be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just wanna hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time
The End